Loving Baby Girl Sofia

One of THOSE People

2012-01-11T14:01:00.000-05:00

So I naively thought that I had some sort of super power because I had not become one of those people who talks about their child incessantly. I thought it was a bit curious, though, because I seem like the type of person who would be talking about their child all day long. People ask me how she is and I'll just give a brief response like "She's great, really starting to run these days." or I'll just answer direst questions. I spent some time wondering why I didn't go on and on and on about her all the time. Sure there are some people that I would (and could) gush to, but for the most part I was under control.

WAS.

Here's what I've learned. I didn't talk about her too much because there wasn't a whole lot of stuff to talk about. But now? Man!! She is doing a new cute thing every minute of the day! There is MUCH to report to anyone and everyone within a 10 foot radius of me.

I am one of THOSE people now.

And what do I tell them? Just anything and everything that Sofia does each day. For instance, the other day, I heard her babbling like usual and thought nothing of it. Then I really listen and realize she saying "Un...ooo...ree..." and I look and she's counting the gel window clings we have! One, two, three! What? We've counted before, but always with me as a model. We hadn't counted anything the whole afternoon and now she's counting on her own? Brilliant child. College applications are going out next week.

Do I think I'm getting on any one's nerves yet? No, not yet. But that day is just around the corner.

What am I, 14?

2012-01-09T10:30:00.000-05:00

TMI ALERT! Read with caution.

I have bled through yet again another pair of jammie pants! What is going on with me? Last month I went through TWO PAIR of jammie bottoms! I now have no flannel jammie bottoms left. What is going on in my uterus? The problem seems to be that I'm bleeding inconsistently. There will be barely anything and then a HUGE flow that makes me leak within 2 hours. I haven't had these issues since I was in middle school and learning about the whole period thing. And since I'm putting it all out there, let's call it what it is - clumpy.

YUCK.

And if I'm being honest, I kinda bled through my panties here at work this morning. It's not awful and doesn't warrant a trip home, but ewwwww! Being a girl sucks sometimes. And I'll be honest that early menopause isn't something that I'm afraid of. Bring that bad boy on!

Missing Home

2012-01-06T12:56:00.000-05:00

How did I live without my blog for so long? Maybe I'm just excited to be back and once the freshness wears out, I'll feel differently, but right now I am just loving being back in my bloggy world!

Coming home after spending the holidays at home (Buffalo home, childhood home) is always hard. I start fantasizing about what life would be like if we lived close to my family. It breaks my heart to watch my mom say goodbye to Sofia. I start thinking about how my mom could see her almost every day and the happiness that it would bring her. I feel that it is so important for Sofia to grow up close to family, but then I wonder if it is worth the cost to us both literally ($$, jobs are scarce there) and figuratively (Russ does not want to live there for various reasons: weather, opportunities, lack of diversity, and more). We love our life, though, and I can't imagine how it could get any better. Maybe if they moved here? Which will never happen. It's hard.

Here's what I fear: We move back and their (my family's) world does not stop for us and we don't see them as much as I think we would. The amount of quality time Sofia spends with my mom now is huge. On visits, they are spending 24/7 together. If we lived there, it might be a 6 hours per week? More or less sometimes? It would just be more regular time. The weeks/months apart is really hard.

So my is coming to visit in 2 weeks for my birthday. Very exciting. I'm trying to figure out what fun things we can do. My birthday falls on a Saturday so I want to do something all day with Sofia, my mom, and Russ. I'm a little obsessed with figuring out where I want to eat. Sofia does very well in restaurants so anything is a possibility. I haven't been with my mom for my birthday in years, so I'm happy.

When you guys are writing your blog, does the fact that this is a permanent record that your family (spouses, kids, siblings, possibly parents, friends) will someday read? This thought inhibits what I write. All the time. (strangely enough, I have no problem with these people reading about my personal stuff *think aggressive wiper post*. It's my feelings towards certain people that I don't want down on record. It would most likely just be venting, but I'd hate for one day anyone thinking I didn't love them because I vented about them in a blog once. Hmm...

Here we are!!!

2012-01-04T09:22:00.000-05:00

It's been an embarassingly long time since I've posted. I've got no excuses. But it's SO GREAT to catch up with everyone (though I've barely even gotten started with that!). I have to be honest and say that for some crazy reason, it is still funky when I try to comment on some blogs. It takes forever and then the screen freezes and I have to wait for it to refresh and it frustrates me. So, if I'm not commenting, it's not because I'm not reading...

So, our little Sofia is a big 16and 1/2 months! Here's the latest:

Sleep habits: With one of us every night - right in the bed now! Ha! We recently gave up even trying to get her in the crib. She sleeps a solid 12+ hours with us in bed and we are happy. Nuff said. I'm done making excuses or giving into pressure to sleep train. She's happy. We're happy.

Eating habits: EVERYTHING. Last week she enjoyed butternut ravioli and shrimp. She seems to eat anything we put in front of her, but then will weirdly dismiss simple foods like last night when she refused peanut butter and jelly. She is nothing if not inconsistent here, except with her favorite food - peas!

She is totally off bottles and loves any straw, big or small.

Actvity: She likes to count things, even though doesn't say numbers. She just sort of grunts for "one, two, three!" She is running everywhere and I'm not sure why she feels the need to get places so quickly. She still likes her cuddle time and will spend morning cuddled watching TV with me in bed. She loves to help with everything, like folding laundry and emptying the dishwasher.

Talking: Regularly says "momma", "daddy", "bye", "no", and "yeah". But that's about it. I feel like she should be more advanced with her language, but I know I need to be patient. She understands everything though and follows directions well ("Sofia, please bring these socks into momma and daddy's room and put them on the bed" task complete in seconds! Love it!) Many times I don't know how she could possibly know some of the things she knows, but she demonstrates new knowledge every day.

Health: Excellent. No colds, no fevers, no stomach bugs. She really hasn't been sick at all and we're thankful. She is still measuring in the 95% for height, 94% for weight, and 97% for her head. She is wearing size 2T everything and size 7 shoes.

Everything this baby girl does is amazing and I love her more every minute of every day.

Some pics:

She's 1, she's walking, she's leaving for college

2011-09-12T12:05:00.000-04:00

OK, maybe not quite yet, but it sure feels like it.

I've been gone for a looooooooong time and I'm so sorry. Mostly I'm sorry to myself because I really wanted to use this blog to document Sofia's life and milestones and so far I have sucked at that.

This will be short because I'm needing to actually do some work, but just a few updates:

* Sofia turned one on August 17. We had a wonderful party up in Buffalo and it was perfect. Lesson learned is that making a big huge deal out of the "perfect decorations" and stupid details is expensive and stressful and really doesn't pay off in the end. Next year, it will be all about Sofia and not about impressing party goers.

* Sofia is walking! She can go about 10 steps on her own and is getting better and better every single day.

* Sofia is almost exclusively straw-cup with the exception of one bottle before bed. This explains why she had a bit of a fit this weekend when we were at a baby play group and all of the babies had their bottles and she carried on because she had her straw cup and did not appreciate it one bit! For a baby who never cries, she sure proved me wrong on Saturday!

* She is HUGE! She weighs 25 pounds (95%) and is around 33 inches I think...it's the 97%ile, I just can't remember right now. She sure is consistent. She is growing out of 18 mos clothes but her 24 mos stuff is still a bit big.

* She does not have any real words. Mama comes out but I'm not convinced she's talking to me. Though she does say it when she's upset so maybe....

* I love her!! Oh, that's not news?

I'll post some pics soon!!!!

Lastly, I still can't comment on blogs with my acct so forgive me if I seem absent from your blogs. I'll work on it and post anonymous if I can't resist!!

11 Months!

2011-07-18T08:20:00.000-04:00

Hi!!!!!! I'm here - alive and well! Sorry for the lack of posts lately. (Does anyone actually care?) I've been off work for the summer, but am in a couple days this week so I have the chance to catch up. And soon I'll have the chance to catch up at home. Why you ask? Because....

SOFIA IS SLEEPING IN HER CRIB!!!!!!!!!

That is not a typo. It's the real deal. When we came back from a week in Buffalo last week, we thought it was a good chance to transition her since she'd been sleeping out of our arms for the week (she was still in bed with one of us, but on her own). So we got home, at bedtime I put her in the crib. I put the ottoman from her big chair next to the crib and lied on it so that i was right there and able to stick an arm into the crib. She barely cried, just played games with her pacifier where she kept throwing it onto the floor. A rather passive aggressive move... Anyway, that first night she slept 8 straight hours! And every night since it's been great. One of us is still sleeping in her room. We'll slowly transition out of that too.

I have to say that it's very very strange to be in the house and not have her right there with me. Even stranger for Russ and I to be together and not see that one of us has her. Also, I have to admit that I miss her. I really loved having her right there with me at night. I know that sleeping in a chair sounds awful but it's really not bad when have a precious baby girl in your arms.

Yesterday Sofia was 11 months old! That means that in less than a month she'll be a year! I can hardly believe it! We're planning a party in Buffalo along with my nephews whose birthdays are close to hers so it'll be one big party. I can't decide if I want to do a party in Virginia or not. I'm thinking not. By the time we get back from Buffalo and I'll start back at work, I think I'll be ready to be done.

Eleven month highlights:
* Eating all kinds of things and loving scrambled eggs, chicken, french fries, and ice cream. She's really into yogurt now too and yogurt and cereal is her new breakfast.
* Super active and wanting to walk. She's a great cruiser but hasn't quite taken a step yet.
* Still NO TEETH! Though the two on the bottom are about to pop - they've looked like that for over a month now so who knows when they'll actually come in.
* Skipped the sippy cup, this girl wants a straw. She can use a regular straw and it's so funny to see her take sips of my water when we're in a restaurant. Or they'll bring her her own water in a kiddie cup and lid and she can handle it easily, though I do worry that she could put the straw too far in her mouth so I tend to hold it for her.

Here are some pics

This is one from the photo shoot we did back in April

Fun in the bath!

So cute in her sun hat!

Update

2011-06-20T13:33:00.000-04:00

OK, it's been a month and I'm sooo sorry.

Last you heard from me, I was going to be home alone all weekend with Sofia and we got through it just fine. I wondered if anyone thought it had completely destroyed us and therefore I stopped blogging...

Anyway, it's been a while and baby girl is getting so big!!!

Here's a photo from this morning.

As usual, it's sideways...so sorry.

In Sofia news, she is:

- Cruising like crazy...attempting to take steps all the time with great confidence, but ending up on the ground giggling. She'll walk any day though.
- Eating all sorts of new foods, but I have to admit that I'm still sticking with traditional baby food as her main source of food. I know she can be eating other things, but I'm usually just letting her try things (pasta, veggies, bread) and then giving her baby food and cheerios.
- She's sleeping on her own for 12 hours each night!!!! BIG FAT LIE. She's still sleeping on Russ every night. I'm done with work for the summer soon, so I'll be working on getting her to sleep on her own. I swear, we will work on it!
- She is still toothless. Where are her teeth?
- She is the sweetest, most beautiful child alive. That's a fact. =)

Home Alone!

2011-05-18T11:15:00.000-04:00

Actually it's more like home with Sofia....which is very, very different than being home alone. Point is Russ is away in Kansas until Sunday. I'm on my own! My greatest fear realized =) and I'm going alright. Probably because he just left this morning. Ask me tomorrow. Seriously, I know I'll be fine. My friend Cindy is flying in tomorrow to hang out with us so that I'll have back up just in case I have a break down. You never know...

I am a little concerned about how we'll sleep over the next 4 nights. I'm not as good a chair sleeper as her daddy is....perhaps she'll be forced into the crib. But then again I need to sleep for work. We'll see.

Sofia had her 9 month appt yesterday along with her 9 month birthday. Man! She's getting OLD. She is 22 pounds, 12 ounces (96%tile) and 29 and 3/8 inches (97%tile). Oh my big girl!!! Her growth is consistent and the dr said it will start to slow down now. She had one shot - her final hep B and then they did a blood draw. Ick. Sofia didn't shed one tear, although she definitely got annoyed with the nurse squeezing the blood out of her little finger.

The dr also told us that shoes don't really matter - no sense in buying a $50 pair. She said anything that's soft-soled and not too rigid is fine. She said the point of shoes is to protect feet from pavement and cold. Bare feet learn to walk best, so when inside it's bare feet all the way.

Baby girl is moving!!!! She is standing up almost completely on her own! She has to grab something for a little leverage, but that won't be for long. Once she's up, she thinks she can let go but she quickly falls over. Such confidence she has though!! People keep telling me that she'll walk soon. Yikes. Not ready for that. Her crawling is great, though she mostly crawls so that she can get to things to help her stand. She slips on our hard wood floors sometimes too.

We need to start her on more foods, but I'm so afraid of choking! I love that she's happily eating her stage 2 meats, fruits, and veggies along with her multi-grain cereal. She loves Mum-Mum biscuits and we give her puffs but she isn't crazy about them and can't get them in her mouth - though I'm not sure she's tried. She just throws them on the floor. I gave her a bite of my banana yesterday and she thought it was alright. Dr says to give her pieces of food about the size of a rice crispie - so small! Better safe.

On a different note, does anyone remember my friend that was going through IF with me a couple summers ago? We had our beta tests on the same day in July 2009. We both had BFN and she did one more unsuccessful IUI before calling it quits, deciding she would live child free. And husband free. She made some big changes in her life and decided to leave her comfortable, but unfulfilling marriage to go out on her own and discover happiness. Well, she sure did!! She met the man of her dreams and is happier than almost anyone I know. And guess what else? She's pregnant! Conceived naturally. If that isn't the universe working it's magic, i don't know what is.

New Day, New Way

2011-05-10T13:49:00.000-04:00

Sorry for yesterday... I was a mess. Perhaps it was Blue Monday (the Monday before my period has always been a problem for me). To be honest, I've lost track of my periods. Is it awful to say that I want to become menopausal? I know the process can be a train wreck, but I'm ready to not worry about these things anymore.

I talked out my issues from Mother's Day with a colleague and realized some things and got my perspective back together. A good friend pointed out that many new moms (especially where I grew up) have a huge support system to include their moms, aunts, siblings, cousins, etc. If I lived at home, I'd have that. He pointed out that I have no one except my husband, so I am doing a lot. Great point. I love him (my wise friend).

Yesterday I discovered my first gray hair!! I realize that getting to 37 without experiencing this yet is pretty good, so I'm not complaining, but I kinda liked not having to worry about that. Not that I'm worried yet - and let's be honest, I haven't not-dyed my hair ever in my life, so covering the suckers won't be a problem.

Today I went to the Dr. Did you know that my pesky liver is still giving me trouble? Yep, those enzymes are still high. He is fairly sure that it is due to "fatty liver" (such an attractive sounds ailment) and that losing weight will help. He actually prescribed me to lose 20 pounds. This is the first time that a doctor has actually told me to lose weight. I hope I take it seriously and do it. I'm using the Lose It app on my phone. Russ has been using it for a while and he's lost 18 pounds (well, la-di-da for him, right? =) Why is it so easy for him? ugh...). And I know that losing weight will help hold off diabetes too. Not too mention that I'll become a hot mom which is what I've always wanted to be! =) (sort of..I mean it can't be a bad thing, right?)

Now on to Sofia world. Baby girl is BUSY! All of the sudden, she is all over the place and won't sit still. She is having so much fun!!! She is pulling up like crazy and I'm sure she will walk waaaay before we're ready for her to. Have I mentioned she's wearing mostly 18 month clothes? They are roomy, but I can't stand when her stuff gets small. No offense to other moms/babies out there, but I just think in general people put babies in clothes that are too small. Things generally look nicer when there's room to move. Also, not sure if I've mentioned this before, but we've transitioned to jammies! No more sleepers for our girl. She's in real pajamas and I love it! They're so cute! My friend told me that she preferred PJs over sleepers and I didn't get it, but now I do too. Only issue is cold feet, but since she sleeps with Russ, it's not big deal. If she were on her own in the crib, I'm not sure what I do about it. We haven't had to use her wearable blanket yet, but maybe that's what we'd do.

We're transitioning her formula from all Nutramigen ($33) a can (we go through almost 3 can a week) to generic brand Gentle Ease ($15 a can!!). Let's hope she tolerates it well. Today she got 1/4 Gentle Ease....

In food news, she's eating lots of different things, but not much table food yet. I need to try and give her more stuff, but I get worried that she'll choke even though I give her the smallest possible pieces. She makes the best faces when she tries new things! You'd think we're giving her poison. But then she ends up eating it and loving it. She still has NO TEETH!

In one week, she'll be 9 months old!!!! And she'll have her 9 month check up on the 17th as well... It's been so long since we've been to the pediatrician, so I'm looking forward to that.

Lastly, next week Russ is out of town for 4 nights next week. I'm nervous. My friend is coming to stay with us because I have anxiety. I know, I'm crazy. I just worry that I'll be dead tired and she'll have a fit and I won't be able to handle it because I'm so tired. I know we'll be fine........... =)

No Supermom

2011-05-09T09:28:00.000-04:00

Warning: I think I'm hormonal today. Not sure what's about to come out, but just know that you've been warned.

OK, so it was my first Mother's Day. Let me start by saying that I sort of think holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day are silly. I mean I celebrate them and all, but I realize that they are manufactured holidays and mostly mean that there is a gift obligation in there somewhere. My husband and I had agreed that these days would be gift-free and just about doing whatever the parent of the day wanted to do. Then I decided that what I wanted to do was have Sofia pick out a charm for my Pandora bracelet. So we went to church, had lunch at our favorite Italian restaurant and then went to the Pandora store where I picked out 5 charms that I liked. We then put them out in front of Sofia and she chose the one that we bought. So sweet that she picked out the charm! That was fun and super cute. It was a great day - don't get me wrong. (and side note, I've already gotten Russ his Father's Day gifts from Sofia, so obviously I'm breaking my own imposed rule 2 fold...go figure) It was a lovely day. (Incidentally, past mother's days haven't been horrible for me either...for some reason it never bothered me to think about mother's day and not being a mom. I think it may have to do with being far away from my mom or maybe because it's always been all about my mom so it's not like anything had changed, I don't know. Point is that while other people made a big deal out of it for me, I wasn't all emotional about finally being able to celebrate after all those years of trying. Strange since I get emotional over everything else. I honestly felt more emotional at Christmas and my birthday about being able to spend it with Sofia. Maybe it goes back to me thinking Mother's Day is silly? Am I rambling? Did you not read my warning?)

Here's the thing. I feel like an impostor. I mean I know I'm a mom, but I don't feel like I deserve all of credit. I'm not looking for "yes you do, don't be silly..." encouraging statements here, I'm just trying to figure out how I feel and wondering why yesterday wasn't the greatest day ever (though it was really good!). I think I'm struggling with the fact that I'm not supermom. I'm a great mom, but I certainly don't do it alone. So this day where mom gets pampered and celebrated because of all the hard work she does every day just doesn't seem appropriate for me. And it's not like i couldn't be super mom - maybe I could. I don't have to be, though, and I think that's the thing. I have the greatest (literally) husband ever. I have the BEST day care provider. Without these two loving, caring, dedicated people I don't where I'd be. Russ DEFINITELY does more than I do for Sofia and our household. I do a lot, but he does more. I didn't need a "break" yesterday to sleep in or not do housework. Russ consistently gives me sleep and does a ton around the house, usually more than i do. Doris loves Sofia and cares about her and is helping her grow and learn when I can't be there. I trust that she's doing all of the things that I would do (and probably more). So, please hear me. I'm not giving myself a pity party because I'm not mom of the year according to traditional definitions. I'm recognizing that I'm in a position where I'm not expected to do it all and I don't do it all. And that's OK. I don't feel a bit of guilt about the support I have. I don't have any guilt about not being with Sofia every morning while Russ gets up with her and gets her ready to go. I don't feel a bit of guilt about not being with her all day. I know that I'm the best I can be because of these people in Sofia's life.

And sooooo......I guess I need to accept being celebrated for the mom that I am and not for the mom that society thinks moms should be. And I deserve to be celebrated because I'm a great mom!

Thanks for letting me process all of that here. I kinda wish I had come up with this conclusion yesterday so that I could had a more giddy day. There's always next year...

Lastly, to my IF sisters out there still on their journey.... I know yesterday may have been difficult. Good news is that it's over! And your babies are their way to you. I wish I could tell you when - it's the waiting and not knowing that gets to you. It is going to happen. Know that it will. Much love to you.

Spring Break Catch Up

2011-04-28T09:56:00.000-04:00

I've been back to work for three days and am ready for another break!! I know, summer is coming soon and it will be here before I know it. Still, being off was nice. I got to spend every day with my baby girl and I have to say that leaving her yesterday for the first time in over a week was more difficult than I anticipated. I can't imagine what it'll be like when I have her all summer and then have to go back. At least I'm fortunate enough to be able to spend a lot of time with her on these breaks, a luxury that people out in the real world don't have. (I live in the school world, which is far from reality!)

So here's the run down of my week:

- On Friday (a week and a half ago), my mom flew in. That Saturday we had Sofia's photo shoot. It went so well and I'm so happy that we did it! Once we have all of the proofs, i will be sure to share them. I'm very happy with the pictures. Sofia made it through five outfit changes and was pleasant throughout the whole thing. The hard part now is deciding which pictures we want to make into wall photos...so many decisions!!
Friday night, Russ and I went out on our first date night since Sofia has been here! It was very nice. We went to dinner and saw The Color Purple musical that was in town at the National Theater. It's always nice to go into the city, especially one as pretty as DC. We live only 2 miles outside of the city, but we forget sometimes how close we are to some pretty cool things. Russ, who usually dislikes musicals, really loved it and thanked me for broadening his horizons. I am a huge fan of the movie and was actually a little disappointed in the musical. It didn't move me the way the film does. Oh well... My mom did great at home with Sofia. No surprise there, but I relieved to get home.

- On Sunday, Sofia turned 8 months old!!! Yikes, time is flying. Like really flying. Big time. Have I mentioned lately that baby girl has NO TEETH? Where are those little suckers? More on developmental milestones a bit later...

- On Monday, my mom, Sofia, and I drove to Buffalo (about 8 hours away). Sofia did great in the car with mom sitting back there with her. She was an angel and had no problems at all. I was concerned when we got to my house (well, my parents' house but it's the house I grew up in so it'll always be my house too!) and I didn't have my routine established. It was my first time to be with Sofia overnight by myself (well, without Russ at least) and I was worried about how we would sleep and just not being in our own place with our own things is tough. It all worked out very well. Sofia slept on my bed with me. I had a bed rail on one side and then I was on the other. She slept very, very well. We had the option of putting her in the pack n play, but since she doesn't sleep on her own at home (still sleeping on her daddy!), I thought that expecting her to do it away was asking a bit much. She didn't sleep on me, so I counted that as a small victory. The truth is that she would probably sleep just fine on her own if we allowed her the chance.

- On Friday we visited the Easter bunny!!! So much fun! My nephews (Frankie, 5 and Danny, 3) came with us and even sat there with the bunny too. We got a cousins shot!!! Yay!! It couldn't have worked out better, everyone was in happy spirits and it was a great memory. I'll have that photo coming soon - left the large one up in Buffalo so we can't scan it just yet... We also decorated Easter eggs on Friday...it was more of an activity for me and my nephews - Sofia observed. So fun.

- Easter was fantastic! She loved her pretty dress and going through her basket. It was a perfect day.

So, while we were gone, Sofia started crawling full force! Girlfriend is all over the place! Yikes. And on top of that, she's decided that she'll pull herself up and stand whenever possible. This is all happening too fast! I can't deal with the thought of her walking yet! And now I'm concerned about her shoes. Until now, I didn't care too much about shoe quality because she wasn't standing, but now that she is i need to go out and get her some decent shoes. Everyone says Pedipeds, but some swear by Stride Rite - which I'm most comfortable with since it's so tried and true. We'll see...

We're back in her routine now and she was excited to see her babysitters, Doris and Mirna as well as the other little kids that she spends the day with. On Thursdays I teach a parenting class, so i don't get to see her but tomorrow is Friday and we'll have all weekend to soak her up.

Spring break!

2011-04-15T11:32:00.000-04:00

Spring Break is next week and I'm wondering if I'm going to have time to post (since I'll be away from both my home computer and my work computer), so I thought I'd post a little something now...

My mom is flying in this evening and will stay with us this weekend and then the three ladies (mom, me, and Sofia) will drive up to Buffalo on Monday. I'm a bit worried about the trip. On our two previous journeys home, Sofia was much younger and slept much more and I was in the back seat with her the whole time. This time, I'm driving and mom will be back there with her. She is much more alert now and interested in every single thing that goes by, so I'm worried that she'll be awake more and will become frustrated with being stuck in her big girl car seat all day. I'm sure it'll work out, but not having Russ with me definitely makes me nervous. He'll fly up there Thursday morning and then we'll come back home on the Monday after Easter.

Speaking of big girl car seats...(I haven't told you about this yet, have I?) Sofia is now in her Britax Marathon 70. At first she hated it! But she's getting used to it. I hate that she seems so far away. We had the infant seat in the middle so it was closer to me while I was driving and I could even stick my hand back there and locate her pacifier or just hold her hand. Now she's behind the passenger seat and I can reach her sort of if I'm stopped at a light and really stretch...it's not the same though. Probably better than she outgrows me holding her hand while I'm driving anyway. Like I said, she is getting used to it. A major disadvantage of the new seat is that when she falls asleep, I have to wake her in order to get her out of the car. I used to just crab the infant carrier and plop it in the stroller and we'd go up to our place (remember I live in a high rise condo and park in a large garage). Now I have to wake her up and put her in the stroller. I have sat in the car a few times and just let her sleep while I read or listened to the radio. I can't bear to wake her at times! I'm looking forward to when the seat will be forward-facing, but they're saying now that they should stay rear facing as long as possible! I was hoping that we'd get to that first birthday and then she'd be accessible. We'll see.

Tomorrow we're doing our first professional pictures. We're having a photographer come to our place. She'll set up her studio here and then we'll also take some outside shots - fingers crossed that the rain will hold off! I'm excited about it and have many outfit changes in mind - there will be a tiara involved! It's the tiara I wore when I got married. I'm so excited!

By the way this won't be Sofia's first official photo shoot - she had that last Sunday. Russ's friend creates a catalog for Volkswagen owners - you can order ANYTHING with a VW on it! There's all kinds of stuff like shirts, bags, grills, housewares, and, of course, baby onesies! So Sofia modeled for it and she will be in the catalog! Can't wait to share once I get the pics!

Sofia will be 8 months old on Sunday. Where did that time go? She's literally going to crawl any second, she's loving food, she's coming into her personality more and more, she has NO TEETH to speak of, she is perfection personified. I love her and have appreciated these 8 months so very much. Thank you, universe!

Growing too Fast

2011-04-06T10:55:00.000-04:00

How is it possible that I have an almost 8 month old? Everyone says that it goes by so fast, but you don't realize what that means until you're there. We do a good job of staying present with her and appreciating the moments. The moments are just so fleeting. She'll do a new cute thing, like blowing bubbles, and after a week she's on to something else. It's like we can literally see her grow and learn. I know that if we tried, we could get her to crawl today. She's so close. But honestly? I'm not encouraging it. Once she's mobile, she's gone! Off to explore and learn and grow some more. She'll get there soon enough and it's not like we're preventing her from crawling, we're just not going behind her and helping her do it.

We got our foam tiles for the "play room". We're turning half of our office into a play area for Sofia. We have hardwood floors, so we needed to find a spot that can be a safe place for her to play independently. We're going to gate in the area and let her be free - well, as free as you can be in a small, gated area. The tiles are 100 times nicer than I expected. They're thick! And soft. We'll put it all together this weekend and I'll hopefully b able to share a pic. If anyone needs foam tile flooring, go to http://www.softtiles.com/ Like I said, they are nice!!

I'm excited about a mommy group that some friends and I are starting. At my school where I work, there are tons of babies being born! And with friends of co-workers, we're going to be able to get a pretty large group going. I'm thankful because all the mommy groups in my area are held during the day when I'm working. Stay at home moms defintely need to connect to other moms as to not feel isolated, but working moms needs support too! So I'm glad we're doing this.

Full Circle

2011-03-30T07:27:00.000-04:00

The bill came in the mail the other day for our frozen embryo storage. It costs $360 a year to store our two little embies. 360, full circle. Basically a dollar a day. It's less than I thought it was going to be. It's weird to be paying for a bill like that - as if we're storing our holiday decorations or furniture we can't fit in our place. We're storing potential people. Weird.

And it brings me to what I've been thinking about a lot lately. What are we going to do with those two little guys? At this time, we aren't interested in another baby. I realize that could change, but we're very happy with our one little baby girl and life is very manageable both logistically and financially. Another baby? We can't imagine it.

Then there's those two embryos. What to do? I can't thow them away. Russ says we should donate them to an infertile couple (not even sure if that's an option). But those are OUR babies. It's not like egg or sperm donation. This would be our baby! I'm not sure I can do that. But are they better off in a freezer? The ethical dilema is mounting.

So what to do? Wait. I'm sure that a year from now I'll have more clarity about what I want to do. For now $360 a year to keep our options open is a small price to pay.

7 Months!!!

2011-03-18T12:37:00.000-04:00

Baby girl hit the big 7 month mark yesterday. Oh, my big girl!!! I thought I'd do a rundown on the stuff she is doing these days:

- Movement: Not sure how she does, but she's moving all around without actually crawling or even rolling that much. She just scooches and wiggles and she's all over the place. Yesterday, I left her on the floor for literally 60-90 seconds to go into the kitchen and when I came back I found her under the couch!

(someone explain to me why all my pictures are sideways! Ugh!) Is she cute or what?
I do believe the crawling will happen any day now and I am crazy thinking about the baby-proofing that has not happened (as evidenced by the cords dangling just inches from her throat in the above pic)

She is standing very solidly while holding on to us or the couch or ottoman. She is also slapping her hands/arms on her legs and can even to it to a beat if I lead her. She is sitting up on her own and is not toppling over hardly at all any more. She doesn't get to a sitting position her own yet but she is almost there.

Talking/Noise: Girlfriend likes to shriek! And make all kinds of noises. Sometimes it sounds like she's saying "yeah" at appropriate times and I swear she is! If one to hear some of the noises she makes, they might think she's in distress, but it's just her playing with her voice. I'm hearing all kinds of sounds, though nothing that sounds like an actual word aside from the "yeah".

Eating/Drinking: Sofia is still on her Nutramigen formula and stage 1/2 baby foods. She LOVES mangoes and pears the best. Sweet potatoes is another favorite along with combos that include spinach. She also eats a multi-grain organic cereal twice a day. I haven't tried anything else like pasta or mashed potatoes, but I think we will soon. We tried the puffs recently and at first she HATED them and acted like we were torturing her - literally cried. We tried it again and she's ok with them. I gave her a num-num biscuit and she was leery of it and ate some. She LOVES to drink water from our glass. I think she likes the cold glass against her mouth. She can take a sip pretty easily. She can also use a straw when she feels like it - very inconsistent there. We've given her grits at restaurants and also some ice cream.

Teeth: Not yet, but she's been drooling like a fool for months! When are these teeth coming???

Sleep: Napping on her own at the babysitters. Napping on us at home. Along with sleeping on daddy all night. We're making progress though. She no longer needs any rocking or motion to get to sleep. We go in her room, turn on the white noise, lay in the chair and she is asleep within a minute. It's great! We can then put her in the crib and she'll stay asleep for a while, but once she wakes up she wants us to hold her. I feel optimistic because I believe she has learned to fall asleep herself (as evidenced by her ability to do it at Doris's and no longer needing motion to fall asleep). I think the next step will be her staying in her crib longer and then doing it all on her own. We'll get there!

Personality: She is the funniest baby ever! She laughs and smiles all the time!!! She rarely cries. This week, I think I've seen actual tears once and that was when we accidentally smashed her fingers in the canopy of her stroller. She shouts when she's hungry, but she just doesn't cry. She's never, ever woken up crying. We're really lucky.

Activities: She LOVES to watch TV. I'm embarrassed. I really didn't want her to watch much, but she laughs and loves it. She literally watched all of american idol (on DVR) the other day and didn't make a move or a peep the whole time! Plus she loves everything on Nick Jr. She loves to jump in her jumperoo and she loves to go for walks. I don't love that we now don't get to see her face on walks because she's not in her car seat anymore, she's in the stroller. I miss seeing her face.

Is there anything else? I'm sure there is.... Most important, she is well loved!!!! My baby girl.

How soon they forget...

2011-03-15T14:35:00.000-04:00

People are funny. Didn't I just go through 5 years of infetility? Didn't people witness me being very open about our sturggle and then witness the aftermath of 4 BFN? Did everyone just forget about all that? Because people won't stop asking me if we're ready for another one! I don't mean to be rude, but are these people dumb? They act like I now have some sort of baby making potion. It is as if none of that infertility stuff ever happened.

And so therein lies the struggle between holding on to my IF roots and being treated normal. I don't mind being treated like a normal girl, but it makes for an awkward discussion. I am forced to say "Well.....I'm not really sure how that would happen...you know....since I'm broken and all." True, I have two little babies in the freezer, but more on that later. Clearly, I have exhausted my resources for funding another IVF cycle. But that's when they get really excited and tell me about how every single person they know who went through infertility treatment miraculously became pregnant naturally after they had their first. While I know that these stories exist, I will not be one of them. I basically have no fallopian tubes. This baby would truly be a miracle. And I'm not sure I'm ready for the responsibility that goes along with such a miracle because the divine intervention necessary for it could be a bit intimidating.

So I'm back to smiling and saying "We'll see..." when I don't feel like getting into it. Once an IFer, always an IFer.

Photograph of my mind

2011-03-08T14:06:00.000-05:00

Oh my baby girl! Allow me to gush...

Sofia is the happiest, silliest, most peaceful, loving baby in the world. How did we get so lucky? She is a dream come true that I never even had the audacity to dream of. I get to be her mom forever? What a PRIVILEGE.

Baby girl has just been extra crazy cute lately and it fills me with bursting joy. She literally smiles or laughs every moment she's awake. Gushing will stop now. Or at least I'll try. (Notice I didn't even mention once how BEAUTIFUL she is?)

I've had some new readers on my blog lately (a dear co-worker and family) and they've been going back and reading some of my early posts. This prompted me to go back and read my story from the beginning. In a word - wow. There's comfort in knowing that I was always crazy =) , but man how did you people put up with my ups and downs and doom and gloom? Thanks for hanging in there. What I realized most from rereading my blog is that I'm really writing this for me. What a wonderful way to document a significant time in my life. I realized that not only do I need to blog more, but I have to tell my story - the good, the bad, the beautiful. So hopefully, I'll take the time to write more and to focus on the ways our family is growing and learning. I'd like to think of it of a photograph of my mind that will help me remember this time. Let's hope I follow through.

To be honest, rereading some of my entries made me laugh out loud and cry. I had forgotten some things, particulalry how I described finding out IVF might be our only chance. I said that I "howled" outside the door waiting for the elevator and that is so true. I hate thinking about it, but it was an awful, unexpected moment. It reminded me of how far we've come. It helped me remember that miracles happen. Is there something bigger than a miracle? If there is, I've got it. She's beyond a miracle. She is joy and love personified.

Gushed again. My bad.

Sleep....

2011-02-24T09:46:00.000-05:00

So it's finally happened...we are not surprised at all. After sleeping in our arms for 6 months, Sofia has begun to refuse going into her crib at all. She basically will not be left alone for the past 3 or 4 nights. Again, we knew what we were creating while we were doing and we know what we have to do. Hopefully tonight, I will be able to allow her cry while comforting her with my voice and pats. We'll see how long that lasts, but it'll only be night one and I assume that this process will be easy. We can't blame the little baby girl - of course she's used to sleeping in our cuddling arms. I ..........................

And that's what I wrote yesterday and I can tell you that I let her squirm for all of 45 seconds before picking her up and cuddling her! She did go down in the crib for almost 2 hours so she did get some crib time. Let me explain the process and you'll see why it's so hard to not just love her up!

I got home with her at about 3:30, I fed her some mango and she played in her jumperoo a little bit. She was then obviously tired, so we went for the bath at about 4:30. After her quick bath and post-bath stuff (lotion,etc), I gave her a bottle and then just lay back on the big chair and within 2 minutes she was asleep - no fuss, no rocking, she just feel asleep by 4:50. So now she's asleep on me and I took a nap too! This works out well for both of us. At about 6:00, I get up and put her in the crib where she stays until about 8:00. (in truth, I probably put her down at 6:15 and she stirred at 7:45) At that time, she starts tossing and turning, eventually waking up and moaning. She doesn't cry, she just whines and groans. Her eyes are half closed and she look so distressed. My plan had been to let her stay that way and see what happens. Nope! I picked her up and within 10 seconds, she asleep again and we stayed on her chair until 10. At that time, she woke up, had a bottle and Russ took over...she ended up sleeping until 6 am this morning.(Remember her chair is a huge chair and a half with a huge ottoman and is where Russ has slept every single night since I went back to work, so it's not terrible at all) I didn't even try to put her down again last evening.

The point? I'm not doing a very good job at this. I know I should do what feels right and what I think is best for her, but at this point I really think she needs to learn how to put herself to sleep. I just can't resist the snuggle time. She seems so much more peaceful and content. We'll get there I'm sure.... Just not so sure when!

Six month check up was great. Sofia weighs 19 lbs 3 oz and measures 27.5". I was surprised she doesn't weigh more. She is in the 97th percentile for both measurements which means she is well proportioned. She was trooper through her 3 shots too.

My mom is coming in tonight!!! I'm so excited!

Here is Sofia from this morning...my happy, happy girl! How cute, by the way, that Russ decided she needed to wear 2 flowers in her hair today? Love him.

Six Months!

2011-02-18T14:15:00.000-05:00

How is it possible that Sofia turned 6 months old yesterday? The time has flown by and yet I can't seem to remember when she wasn't here. She is HUGE!!! We go for her 6 month appt next week and I can't wait to find out how much she weighs. My guess is she's at least 20 lb., maybe more. Girlfriend is tall too and solidly wearing 9 month clothes. She is sitting up very well on her own, standing for brief periods of time when holding on to something for balance, and getting ready to crawl at any moment. She is loving her food!! Regularly eating mixed-grain cereal along with fruit (mostly pears and peaches and she LOVES mango) and veggies. I try to buy the organic stuff when I can, but sometimes the variety just isn't there (especially when Gerber is on sale). I send the Gerber tubs to her babysitter and then at home, we those along with some of the squeeze packs from those organic companies. They are more expensive but I love the combinations, especially the one with the spinach. I feel good giving it to her. She's really gotten the hang of eating. We're working on the sippy cup. She loves to chew it, but hasn't quite gotten the hang of sipping from it on her own. I'm using Pampers Cruisers still but am dying to know if any off-brand ones are decent. I've heard Target and WalMart brand are good. I hate to take a chance though since we've been happy with Pampers.

We ordered our convertible car seats this week, so they should be here soon. She can only be in her in fact seat until 22 pounds and that day is coming fast if it hasn't already passed! We decided on the Britax Marathon 70. (on sale on amazon for 25% off right now - HUGE savings!) We ordered two, one for each car since Russ drops off and I pick up. It's a big expense, but obviously worth it for baby girl to be safe and comfortable. We also got a great deal on a Macleran umbrella stroller so that Russ can keep one in his car. It'll be a pain to no longer be able to get her in and out of the car so easily, but frankly I can barely lift the infant seat anymore anyways.

We have not had professional pictures taken, but I think it's time we do. I really want to go to Picture People but I've heard Penney's is decent too and does different shots that I might be interested in. I don't just want a typical background posed shot. I'm not sure what we'll do, but six month pictures sound like a must to me.

Still haven't pierced baby girls ears. I'm going to ask the pediatrician about it and see if they do it there and then maybe we will. I can't stand the thought of doing it, but I think now is the best time. We'll see...

Lastly, my mom is coming next week!! I'm so excited! She'll be here from Thursday to Tuesday and will stay home with baby girl Fri and Mon and she's thrilled about that! The guilt I feel about being so far away from her overwhelms me sometimes, so I'm so happy she'll get to spend time with Sofia.

Here's her happy face from this morning... We really need to upgrade our iPhone so that the pictures come out less fuzzy.

WTF with it being sideways!! I thought I fixed it! .....but she's awfully precious no matter how you look at her.

Homesick

2011-02-10T07:18:00.000-05:00

I'm a terrible blogger, I know. I'm sorry. I thought that once I was back at work and had more access to a computer I would blog more, but no. Maybe it's that I don't have much to say (except for how crazy beautiful and perfect Sofia is and that gets old, no?). Maybe it's that I've been busy at work (oh yeah, work! Sometimes I have to do that here).

Anyway, Sofia is beautiful and perfect. =)

My cousins from Florida flew in on Monday for one day just to meet her. They didn't go up to Buffalo for the holidays so they missed meeting her and couldn't wait until summer. It was sooo nice and made it so clear that there's nothing like family. I have some very, very good friends here who are like family and I'm so lucky to have them but there's just something different about family. It makes me really wish I lived closer to home. But then I think that the fantasy I have in my head of what it would be like to live back home is probably not at all the reality of what it would really be like. When I go home to visit, the whole world stops and revolves around us. That would not be the day to day reality of living there. I know that. But I still miss home. The true reality is that Russ would be miserable living there (weather) and there are no jobs and life would just be different and maybe not good-different. Just feeling a little homesick i guess...

Reflections...

2011-01-20T10:51:00.000-05:00

Just like they say, nothing really prepares you for becoming a parent. I read EVERYTHING I could get my hands on. I know about development, sleep schedules, feeding, and anything else you can think of. I thought I knew it all and was prepared for anything parenthood threw at us. We braced ourselves for our life to change. We knew it would be a ton of work. We knew we wouldn't be sleeping. We knew that getting out of the house would become a chore. We knew that our time would never be just ours every again. We were prepared for that.

What we weren't prepared for was how joyful every single moment would be. When we spend an hour rocking her to sleep, put her down in her crib and sit down to dinner only to find her stirring because her pacifier fell out, it is with joy that I go into her room and replace it and/or spend 20 minutes settling her back down. I have never, not once, huffed or puffed about having to do anything for her. When she has poop up to her NECK, I giggle and wonder how in the world that happened. When I get her all dressed up, tights on, bundled up and out the door only to hear the "squish, squish, squirt!" of a dirty diaper, I happily turn around and undo everything for a diaper change. And love that I get more changing table time (she's especially sweet and playful at diaper change time and we sing songs and smile and laugh). And the traditionally fun times? Like morning wake up, baths, and general playtime? Forget about it - it's better than Disney World.

I did not expect this part of the deal. I thought I'd be at work every day complaining about how exhausted I am. When i went back to work, people asked if I was upset about leaving her. While I'd love to be home with her, I can't help but smile ALL DAMN DAY because I get to go home to the sweetest thing ever created. People comment on how content and happy I am now. I'm not a new mom mess, all disheveled and covered in spit up. My life has been nothing but enhanced in every single way. I was not expecting all that.

This mommy thing? It's good. It's real good. And my heart is full of prayers for all of you mommies-to-be who haven't had their miracle yet. It's coming. Keep the faith that you'll get the privilege of experiencing this too.

Happy Five Months

2011-01-19T10:29:00.000-05:00

How is it possible that Sofia is five months old already? It scares me because I know I'm going to look up and she'll a year old and then it'll just keep flying from there. I think I'm doing a good job of being present when I'm with and appreciating every moment. She literally becomes cuter every single day.

Sleep. I'm getting plenty. Russ? Not so much. He sleeps with Sofia every night, in her room, on her chair. He says he's fine and getting plenty of sleep. I'm selfishly choosing to believe him. I read bloggy friend and mother of quintuplets, Sonja's blog today. She used the term "sleep training" and how "of course babies will cry" during the process. Even thought I've read EVERY book on the subject, I seem to be in denial of this fact. People will ask "Does she cry when she's in her crib?" The answer is that we don't know. The minute she stirs or whines, we swoop in. Our theory is that once she gets to the crying stage, she'll be so worked up she won't be consolable. This is left over thinking from her evening blues stage when she would cry before bedtime. Perhaps she's far over that and we need to just let her figure out how to sleep. I know we do. Russ stated yesterday that he doesn't care if he has to sleep this way until she's 14. While he was exaggerating, I know he means it to a certain degree.

OK, so here's my point. We are fine with the sleeping situation. I am letting outside pressure (from my mom and other new moms) influence me and make me think we're doing something wrong, but it really is working for us. This baby has the most content personality. She never, ever cries. Ever. The other day I was in a public restroom changing her and she cried and screamed and it was so alarming to me because I've never heard her like that. (I think the diaper scratched her slightly raw bum, my fault) She sleeps from 6pm (sometimes earlier) until the morning. She's alone in her crib until 9 or 10 and then Russ picks her up because that way he can sleep better. Otherwise he'd be getting up every 2 minutes to make sure she's OK. My theory is that if we left her in the crib and didn't have a video monitor, she would be just fine.

You've heard all of this before right? So obviously I'm just trying to convince myself.

Anyway, my baby girl ate sweet potatoes yesterday! She seems to love them. Food sure makes feeding time long and messy. Right now she downs 7 oz of formula in 5 minutes tops. Now we have to feed and clean up which takes a while, but it's worth it. And who am I kidding? She's eating food only once a day right now and Doris is doing it during the week, so who am I to complain? (we had a four day weekend this past weekend, so got to feed her a lot)

Did I mention my birthday is Friday? I can't wait. I don't want a thing except to spend time with my baby girl and Russ. Amazing how priorities change...

Doris the Great

2011-01-12T13:44:00.000-05:00

Today is Sofia's 7th day with Doris (AKA the MOST fabulous babysitter ever). This woman is amazing. I love her. Sofia loves her. She loves Sofia.

The following has been accomplished since she began with Doris:
- nails are cut and look professionally manicured (Doris asked if she could do this and I said YES please?)
- Sofia is eating cereal every day and learning how to manage the spoon feeding thing very well. Next week we might move on to sweet potatoes. Woo hoo!
- Sofia FELL ASLEEP ON HER OWN at Doris's house and STAYED ASLEEP for TWO HOURS. My jaw dropped open. This has NEVER happened. Not ever (the falling asleep unassisted part...and staying asleep part at nap time)
- Sofia has started sleeping at home better and has gone 8 hours between feedings at night for 3 nights (not in a row, but it's progress)

In a nutshell? I LOVE DORIS! I'm not anxious during the day at all about her being there. I am grateful every single day that we have her and feel bad that we only pay her the little money that we do. She is worth 5 times the amount ($225 per week if you're curious).

Every day, Russ sends me a picture of Sofia when he drops her off. Here are two from this week:

Why do they come up sideways??? Sorry...

Today was a bad hair day, although when I left the house she was looking cute...not sure what happened. Winter hat maybe?

Off to Doris's: Day 1

2011-01-04T07:52:00.000-05:00

Sofia is starting with her babysitter, Doris, today. We love Doris. Doris took care of our dear friends' children (two of whom have serious food allergies that require a specialized diet and care) and they were like family to her and she is family to them. Doris only has one other baby who is 6 months older than Sofia (though about the same size!) and then there are only one or two other toddlers there during the day (depending on the day) and then some older kids come in the afternoon after school. There is an assistant there also to help. She could not be in better hands and I know this. We are blessed to have her take care of our baby girl.

So then why was I bawling my eyes out last night? I just kept thinking of her all alone, wondering where her Momma and Daddy went. I know she won't ever be alone. I know that these ladies will love her up and give her a ridiculous amount of attention. Russ will drop her off between 8 and 9 and I will be able to get her by 3:15 at the latest. She won't even be there that long. It will be fine. That's what I keep telling myself.

Not sure if I shared this picture. It's one of my favorites, so if I did, you get to see it again. =)

Happy New Year! Merry Christmas!

2011-01-03T12:32:00.000-05:00

Sofia is 4 months and 2 weeks old

Well the holidays sure went by quickly!! It was, by far, the best Christmas ever. It proved that gifts are not required to make the holidays special because all we needed or wanted was our little baby girl. She was showered with gifts and it was a joyful time for everyone.

Not to complain, but the only thing is that everyone bought her clothes. And I know how much fun it is to buy girl clothes, but baby girl has no toys! It's weird that I'm going to have to go out and get her toys - it just seems like something that you usually get too much of. Good thing is that it means I can get what we want and not go overboard. She also got no DVDs and only a couple books. Seems crazy to buy that stuff, but I guess I'm going to have to!

She starts with her babysitter tomorrow. I'm really not that nervous. I might feel differently if I had to drop her off, but i get to pick her up. We couldn't trust Doris more and are confident that Sofia will love her and will love being there.

In her Christmas dress! She didn't even mind the hat. She looked sooo precious! My aunt jumped up and down when she saw her.

New Year's was very low key. In fact I was asleep by 10:30. Russ and I were both fighting terrible colds (thank goodness Sofia hasn't gotten it yet). New Years Day was fun, we visited with lots of friends.

Life sure is good with that little girl around. And i thought life was pretty great before! If things get any better, I might just explode.

4 months!

2010-12-17T11:59:00.000-05:00

Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday to you!
Happy Birthday dear Sofia!!!
Happy Birthday to you!!!

I can't believe it's been 4 months. Like I keep saying, in many ways it feels like she just got here and at the same time it feels like we've always had her.

Miss Sofia is growing and learning new things everyday. She is attempting to eat cereal, but that isn't going quiet so well...

Why can't I get it to sit correctly?? Anyway, this was yesterday's attempt at cereal. NONE got in her mouth. I realize it's a little early but we'll keep trying.

Sofia is becoming VERY grabby. She will pull my hair right out, pull at my face, and even left quite a scratch across my cheek the other day. I honestly think that if my reflexes slow down she will be able to grab my eyeball out because she's gotten pretty close. Man is she strong! I trim her nails but they're still sharp like nails. Maybe I should trim and file...mmm...that makes sense.

She is rolling over but not very often with me because by the time I get home, it's almost time for bed and we use the sleep positioner. Russ says she's rolling over a lot though.

She sleeps A LOT! Is she alone when she does this? Not usually, but that's alright with me. We usually put her down either on her chair or in her crib at around 6. She'll sleep on her own (yes, without us right there!) until 9 or 10 or whenever she needs to eat. Then Russ feeds her and stays with her in her room where she'll sleep until 3 or 4 and then go right back to sleep until 7 or 8. Even though there are interruptions, she sleeps for 12-14 hours every night. And then she'll take good long naps during the day too. She likes her sleep, just like her momma! My mom keeps bugging me that she should be able to go 8 hours without waking up to eat. Well, she doesn't and what does she want me to do?? Most of the time, when she does wake up it's because she has gas. So the gas wakes her and then she's like "Wait...my belly is empty. What's the deal? Feed me, please!" I think she wouldn't wake up hungry if not for the gas. And she HAS slept 8 hours a few times, but it's just not the norm yet. We're getting there. And all three of us are happy with how things are going.

Biggest 4 month event? Well, today (right NOW!), Sofia is at her babysitters house! Alone! Meaning neither her momma or daddy are there with her! Russ brought her by this morning for a little trial run because she's starting there on Jan. 3. He went and hung out for a while and then left! Ahhh!! It's been a little over an hour that she's been on her own. And I know she's fine. But I keep thinking that if she gets upset and we're not there, what will she do? She doesn't cry hardly at all, but what if she does now because she's with strangers?? They'll think it's normal because babies cry...but not OUR baby! I can't remember the last time she cried during the day...sometimes she does at night if we're not fast enough with the bottle.

She's going to be OK. Take a deep breath.

Let's look at some recent pictures of her, shall we? That won't help me take my mind off of it, but who cares? =)

One Year

2010-12-15T08:47:00.000-05:00

Sofia is 17 weeks and 1 day old

One year ago today, Sofia started her morning in a petrie dish up in Rockville, MD. Later that day, she and two of her sibling blastocysts were transferred into me and the rest is history. Sofia has been with us for one year now. I can't believe how much has changed in only a year. I can't believe that the little cell I saw in the picture they gave me has turned in the beautiful baby girl that lights up my world. What did we do before she was here? I don't know and I don't really care to remember. Because she is here. She is ours. We made her. And nothing can ever take that away.

At work with Momma

2010-12-10T13:05:00.000-05:00

Sofia is 16 weeks and 3 days old

So one of my favorite things about Russ staying home with Sofia these days is that they get to com and visit me!! I work in a huge secondary school that houses students in grade 7-12. I only work with the 7th and 8th graders, but all of the students are around. Today they came and visited and we got to walk around to show off Sofia to my teacher friends and students who have heard all about her. It wasn't her first visit here, but it was one where we went out and about a lot and mingled with everyone here, aside from the usuals who see her often. It's so good to see her during my day and everyone is so excited to see her too. She is one loved baby girl.

And this morning, she officially rolled over!!! I think she would have done so already, except we always have her in her sleep positioner, so Russ has been working on letting her on her back without it so that she can roll and she did! She's getting so big!!

The drool situation is CRAZY! It just drips out of her like a faucet. And everything goes into her mouth. Seems early for teething, but I suppose it could be starting now. We are going to try to give her some cereal tomorrow for the first time! I'm so excited. I know we should wait until her 4 month appt but I'm impatient. And plus the amount of cereal she'll actually be eating is like nothing AND it'll be mixed with so much formula, I doubt she'll notice. I'm just excited about using a spoon!! We need to get it on video.

That's all for now....Next Friday is her official 4 month birthday. I can't believe it's been that long. And what they say is true - it just keeps getting better and better.

Santa!

2010-12-07T08:48:00.000-05:00

Sofia is 16 weeks old today.

On Saturday, we visited Santa Claus and it was awesome!! I had asked friends via Facebook where the best Santa was for Sofia's first visit and overwhelmingly, people suggested a garden center nearby where they have the "Real Santa". (It's Merrifield Garden Center in Fairfax if any locals are interested). It lived up to the hype and had me in tears of joy throughout the visit.

Before Santa invited families to visit with him in his sleigh room, he addressed the crowd from a platform above. He spoke of the true meaning of Christmas and took questions from the children. He then explained that toys break and become undesirable over time and what he really wants for all of us is "written in the clouds" and he pointed to the wall where there were clouds hanging that said things like "love", "peace", "wisdom", "kindness", etc. It was beautiful.

After reciting "The Night Before Christmas" and singing Rudolph with us all, he invited the families back, stating that infants go first so that we don't have to wait so long - we were first! We went to the back where he invited the first 6-8 families into his sleigh room. He then did activities with them and finally said "There's a baby waiting..." and I gave him Sofia and he spoke to her for a good 2-3 minutes, saying "Sofia, one day you'll sit on my lap and ask for a new doll or game or book.... Now I want you to remember what Christmas is about..." and he went on about love and joy in our hearts. Russ is trying to take pictures the whole time. Then he invites me to sit with him and for Russ to pose in the back and he gave us, the parents, advice about Christmas. We got that part on video. He must have spent a solid 5 minutes with us and Sofia doesn't even talk back! I can't imagine the time he takes with the children who can interact!

It was a lovely time and we are so glad we went!! (Did I mention it was all FREE?) This is the best picture we got. They all came out blurry for some reason =( but we have the video too so that's good.

Fear

2010-12-02T08:21:00.000-05:00

Sofia is 15 weeks and 2 days today

I teach parenting classes to parents of adolescents. Being a middle school counselor, I have insight on what is going on with teenage boys and girls and my expertise lies in my experience with working with them every day. I've taught hundreds of parents and their issues with their kids almost always come down to one thing: fear. They are afraid their child will fail out of school, they are afraid their child will do drugs, their afraid their child will not become the person they've hoped and dreamed they would become. They are afraid of their child hating them. They are afraid that their child will embarrass them. Fear, fear, fear.

I try to help these parents see that if they become hung up on the fear, they will lose their child. When the parents are only concerned with the "what if", they lose the now. I'll ask them "What is the worst thing that can happen?" when they're scared that their child isn't getting the grades that they could be getting for instance. The worst thing that can happen is that they'll drop out of school and become a homeless drug addict. When I say that, they realize that they know nothing that bad is going to happen and they start to see that what they really are afraid of is the child not living up to their expectations. Or perhaps they're afraid that they'll be embarrassed when all the neighbors kids are going to a good university and they're child is going to community college. Again, I say, if we live in the fear of "what if", we lose the child. If we connect with the child we have, right here, right now, we can create the relationship that will lead to the creation of a whole person. A child who becomes an adult that can make good decisions and live a healthy, prosperous life. I always say "We're making people here!" And that the important thing is who they are - their character. Not their status. There's obviously much more to it, but that's a little overview of some of what I cover.

So yesterday, I realized that my own fears are already at play and I need to get a grip on them. When Sofia cries, my immediate fear of colic arises intensely. I think "Oh my god - what if she has colic?" What if I have to admit to others that she's not perfect? What if the colic makes me think negative thoughts towards her? What if she isn't a pleasant child? What if people don't like her? Now, at this point, I know that we're out of the colic woods and maybe she did/does have it mildly. But the point is, I am in constant fear of this whole baby thing not living up to my hopes and dreams and she's not even 4 months old yet!!!

So I know what I need to do. I need to accept every moment with her as the gift that it is. I need to accept her as she is and love her no matter what. These sound like obvious and easy things. I know that they are not. I know how insidious the thoughts can be and I also know that kids pick up on all that stuff and even if you don't say it, they sense a parent's fear and disappointment.

And so, Sofia, while I realize there is a lot of pressure on you, our "miracle baby", to be perfect, please know that whatever you do, whoever you are, I love and accept you and will try my best to make sure you know that every moment of your life.

So Thankful

2010-11-23T09:57:00.000-05:00

14 weeks

We're getting ready to travel to Buffalo tomorrow for Sofia's big hometown debut! I have never been more excited to travel home. I can't wait to show her the house I grew up in and sleep in my room and just walk through that door with our precious baby girl!

You might recall that last year, the holidays were ROUGH for me. The day after Thanksgiving, I started my fifth and final IVF cycle and my parents had come down to spend the holiday with us. I had a bleak outlook on that cycle because of the teeny tiny statistic (.5%) that it could be successful. Then Christmas hit and I just wanted to forget about the holidays altogether. The thought of traveling home once again childless was too much. Relatives still comment about how depressed I was last year - and here I thought I was doing a good job of faking it!

All of that to say that I heard a Christmas song yesterday and bawled my eyes with joy as I thought about the holidays this year and how incredibly special this year will be. We are so blessed and this Thanksgiving, I will be thankful for the greatest gift I could have ever received.

Here's baby girl looking cute with daddy...

Sorry it's not positioned the correct way - I thought it was...

Mr. Mom

2010-11-18T07:13:00.000-05:00

I'm not trying to brag, but I just have to express how amazing my husband is and how much I wish she could be a stay at home dad. Today is his fourth day home and he is loving it! I come home from work and laundry is done, the house is clean and Sofia is happy. He's a natural. AND? He's letting me get LOTS of sleep. Last night I went to bed at 7! I was up in the night with him because Sofia was crying for some crazy reason from 1:30-2:00 am but then I was sent directly back to bed and slept until I had to get up at 5. So, yes, I got 9 hours of sleep. I could learn to get used to this!!! I know the lack of sleep is going to catch up with him at some point, but he claims he is fine right now. Remember that we don't sleep together right now - one of us (him) is always with Sofia because we're too damn nervous to leave her alone. So his sleep quality is poor - he's sleeping on the chair in her room (a nice big chair, but still) or the couch. He rocks!

In Sofia news, we really have to allow her to learn to fall asleep on her own and to sleep on her back. She'll be sleeping so peacefully with us in our arms and then we put her down in her crib and she squirms and is restless and often wakes up. I've read every book there is and I'm still not sure what to do. The books assume we put her down, walk away and don't realize she's restless. But we watch her (either right there in her room or through the video monitor) so we know when she's thrashing and try to comfort her. Maybe it's ok to get restless sleep? I don't know...

Day One: SUCCESS

2010-11-15T14:34:00.000-05:00

One day down...thousands more to go!

So my first day back to work was really good! Right now it's 2:30 and I'm getting ready to leave (our school day is from 7:25-2:10), go home and see my sweetie pies waiting for me there!

To be perfectly honest, today felt like a day of freedom. It was so strange to not be thinking constantly about feeding Sofia or changing Sofia or being quiet while she sleeps. It's not like those things are difficult or anything - in fact I love them. It's just weird to not feel so totally responsible during these hours. I actually got to shop on-line a little bit (shhh - don't tell!) and in general am having a happy day. Perhaps it's the novelty of being out of the house and maybe it'll wear off, but so far so good.

I spoke to Russ earlier and he put the phone to Sofia's ear while I spoke to her and he said she looked very confused. I can't wait to go home and kiss her!!!!

I'll leave you with a precious picture of my baby girl.

How did we get so lucky to have such a precious beautiful daughter? I keep pinching myself and can't believe it's real.

Coming Clean

2010-11-12T18:15:00.000-05:00

Sofia is 12 weeks and 3 days old

Today was my last day with Sofia. I'm acting like I'm never going to see her again! That's ridiculous. I leave for work so freaking early (6:15 am) and she doesn't even get up until 8 or so and then goes right back for a nap. I'll be home by 3:15 and for the next 6 weeks so will Russ - bonus!! It will be fine. I have no idea how I'd feel if I had the slightest option of staying home. I feel like I'd want to work some, but given the option I'm not sure what I'd do. I keep telling Sofia that I have to go to work Monday because I don't want her to be homeless. =)

I've been thinking a lot and coming to terms with some things and this seems like the appropriate place to discuss it. I'm pretty sure that I'm battling some low-level form of post-partum depression. I've come to this conclusion by listening to interviews that Oprah conducted with both Brooke Shields (and other mothers on that particular episode that I heard on satellite radio) and Marie Osmond today. Since Sofia has come, I have overwhelming feelings of anxiety and isolation. I feel happy, but scared and alone. Sounds like an oxymoron, I know, but that's how I feel. I thought that it was normal, but when I was unable to eat and practically dry heaving every morning, it occurred to me that I may have a problem.

When I went to Dr back in October she suggested I try some anti-anxiety meds. I'm was hesitant and then finally agreed to a low dose of celexa. Why am I so ashamed of this? I work in the mental health field. I'm a huge supporter of friends who need this type of help. I guess I'm just not used to being the one who needs the help. Since I started the meds, I do feel a lot better. The anxiety especially has gone waaaay down and I'm no longer crying for no reason (I always blamed the crying on hormones though). I still feel isolated but I think that's to be expected since I don't see adults most days until Russ comes home and then it's just for a few minutes and then I'm off to bed.

Anyway, I don't know why I didn't reveal this earlier on my blog. Well, I do know why - I was embarrassed that I "couldn't handle it". I know that's not really what's happening. I know that these things have to do with chemicals in the brain, but after everything I've gone through to get here, I just couldn't admit that it wasn't perfect. Sofia? Oh, SHE'S perfect. =) Her mama? Not so much.

And I say all of that to say that I'm not dreading going to work Monday as much as I thought I would. Sure, I let some tears go today thinking about this was our last day together at home, but I'm ready to go back. (Or I'm psyching myself up because I know I don't have a choice!) I'm ready to feel in control again and to interact with the world. I just wish I could bring baby girl with me =).

One Week Left

2010-11-06T18:09:00.000-04:00

I go back to work in a week...November 15 to be exact. And then maternity leave is over. I will never get this time back. I will never have the chance to be with Sofia when my only purpose is to take care of her. Sure I have summers off and holiday breaks, but it won't be the same. I can't believe it's been 12 weeks already! (Total of almost 13 weeks once I go back) Was it everything i hoped it would be?

The first two weeks were such a blur, i barely remember a thing! It seemed like our place was super busy with my parents here and lots of welcomed visitors. The following weekend my best friends from home came to visit. Then the isolation started. Those first few weeks were just lonely. Sofia only slept and ate - there was no play time then. I would sit here just hoping that friends would come by and sometimes they would, but not as often as I had hoped. In retrospect, i should have opened my mouth a little and actually invited friends over more. Why do I expect people to read my mind?

So now i sit here and wonder if I've done enough with my time. Have I read to her enough? Was there enough tummy time? What about the TV? Did i have it on too much? I know it's not late for these things, but now my time with her will be limited and if I didn't get in enough reading now for instance, how can I possibly find the time in the future?

I'm thankful for this time and am going to try to take this next and final week very slowly and appreciate every single happy, laughing, crying, pooping moment.

Catching up

2010-11-03T18:30:00.000-04:00

11 weeks 2 days

WOW - time has flown. I can't believe it's been so long since I posted anything!!! My bad. I go back to work soon (boo!) and will be way more on top of blog world then.

So, what's happening in the world of Sofia? She's as sweet as ever... Her two month check was good. She's in the 95th percentile for height and weight (thank goodness she's proportioned!!), so we will have a big girl! She's wearing 3 month clothes, except for her plain white onsies which are now 6 month. She wears these under her swaddles and, now that it's colder, under some of her outfits. Soon she'll transition to more of her 3-6 or 6 month stuff - seems like she barely got to wear some of her things!

Eating/Digestion: She is currently eating Enfamil Nutramigen formula due to what appeared to be terrible abdominal pain and scaly skin on her face (sign of milk allergy)...I'm not totally convinced that it was the answer except for that her face cleared up beautifully and some of her pain went away. THEN, she began screaming with her bottle and the dr had told us to look out for that because she thought her symptoms sounded like acid reflux (something I think is waaayy over diagnosed in infants). So i called the dr and she prescribed Zantac which almost immediately stopped her writhing in pain symptoms. So between the two, we're in good shape. EXCEPT for that she's started this evening thing where anytime between 5:30 and 7:30 she starts screaming and nothing helps her except sitting in the bathroom with the shower on. She had done it once or twice in the past, but it's become more frequent lately. Not sure if it's connected to the other things or not. She just seems overtired.

Sleeping: She is currently sleeping on our couch in a sleep positioner with me or Russ sitting or laying next to her. I know it sounds crazy, but it works for us right now and I feel it's a good step since she at least isn't sleeping right on top of us. The routine goes like this: Russ takes over when he gets home from work and we eat and then I get sent to bed to sleep soundly for a few hours before I'm on duty. Typically I go to bed between 7 and 8:30 (the earlier the better) and sleep until 1 or 2 am at the latest. Then I take over and Russ goes to bed (he gets up for work at around 8). Some have asked why we don't just have her in our bed and our reason is because we feel it's important to get some really good sleep without interruption. Things will have to change soon since I'll be going back to work and Russ will be staying home, but we'll figure that out then. My suspicion is that Russ will still let me get lots of sleep since I tend to need it more than he does.

Everytyhing is going really well. I still have days when I feel really lonely and isolated, but I suppose that's normal. I wish I had more friends who were home with their kids. In some ways I'm looking forward to going back to work, but mostly I'm sad about it. The good thing is that I can be home by 3:15 pm and every day Russ will be there (until January) and we'll have nice family time.

Here are some pictures from the past few days:

For Halloween she was a daisy! We didn't get a great shot of her awake - probably need to throw the costume on her this weekend and get some better pics!

I love this picture! She always puts her arms up like this when she's sleeping and it's sooo cute!

OK, how crazy cute is this hat??

They gave her a special sticker when we voted yesterday...and another cute hat - this one a nice, warm one.

Two months!!!

2010-10-17T17:44:00.000-04:00

Today our little Sofia is two months old. WOW. We've had her for a long time already and she's getting so big and I feel like she's going to be going to kindergarten before we know it.

She is doing very well... We have her on Nutramigen formula and it seems to be helping the gas issues, although it's still not perfect. She had symptoms of a milk allergy and now many of those are gone (dry skin being a major one). Wednesday we go to the pediatrician so I'll ask more about it. She's getting her first shots (oh no!) where I have to be present to witness them (the very first one was in the hospital, out of my view). Luckily Russ is going with me...

My mom is visiting this week!! Finally. She hasn't seen her since she was 2 weeks old. I feel so guilty about living so far away. I'm thrilled that she'll be here soon.

Thursday night I begin teaching the parenting class that I've been teaching for a few years. It's geared toward parents of teenagers (I'm a middle school counselor) and it's one of my favorite things that I do. Of course now that I've actually been a parent for short amount of time, I have a whole new respect for it!! I'm trying very hard to not judge how others parent because in this short time, i realize that we try our best, but sometimes we just don't know what the heck we're doing!! When I agreed to teach the class, I thought it would be nice to get out of the house while I'm on leave. But now that it's here, i sort of wish i wasn't doing it. I need the money for Christmas gifts though so I need to remember that. It's only for 5 weeks.

Our birth announcements finally went out this week. I LOVE the picture we got. We took it ourselves and I think it turned out beautifully. We put her on the bed and covered our pillows with the sheet. I stuck my hand under the sheet to support her head - you can see my hand to the left of her head. Seriously, she gets cuter every single day. I know I'm not supposed to say stuff like that but if I can't say it YOU (who I'm always brutally honest with), then who can I say it to? =) Here it is, she's 7 weeks old here:

Progress

2010-10-04T18:01:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow Sofia will be 7 weeks old! Time has flown and I'm fearful that in a blink I'll be back at work (I have 6 more weeks left) and I'm not appreciating every moment I have with her now.

We've made great progress over the past few days. Not only is she consistently sleeping in her car seat (remember that this is progress because she was only sleeping in our arms), but today she napped for 2 hours in her bassinet!! (the one on the pack n play) That is HUGE!! I'm hopeful she'll start sleeping in it at night too. At night, we take turns sleeping out in the living room on the couch so that the other person can get restful sleep. The hope is that eventually she sleeps in our bedroom where we have the bassinet set up.

The other great thing is that she seems to be taking a pacifier finally!! I know - why is this good? Well, it's wonderful because up until now the only thing she wanted was my finger! And lately she would take Russ's finger too, but can you imagine how inconvenient that is?? Not only was I holding her the whole time, but much of that time my finger was in her mouth! No wonder I couldn't get anything done. So now she is happy with a pacifier and while that might be starting a new bad habit, at least it helps her soothe and sleep.

We took pictures of her today and finally ordered our birth announcements. She'll be nearly 2 months old before they go out, but that's alright - they're going out at least right??

Here is one of my favorite pictures. It was going to be on the announcement but we went in a different direction so I'll share it here. I'm going to enlarge a copy and give it to my mom - her two girls, sleeping...

Scattered post

2010-09-30T16:35:00.000-04:00

First of all, my apologies to my bloggy friends who I have been neglecting these past few days (weeks?). I usually check my blog from my iphone and for some reason, i can't scroll down to read posts that don't appear on the screen, so I end up missing a lot. And i can't post from my phone either. Anyway, now I think I've caught up, but I may have missed some things.

We are doing well. Poor little Sofia is very congested today though. She's been semi-congested all along, but last night it was obvious she was having trouble breathing out of her nose. She was becoming frustrated and was so upset - who can blame her? She must be so confused, wondering why she can't breath suddenly.

(it's now 3 days later since I started this post)

So Sofia is still congested - poor thing cries in her sleep when she can't breathe and we spray saline drops in her nose and stick her in the bathroom with the hot water running. Ihave a cool mist humidifier but I'm not sure it's doing anything to help. Should I get a vaporizer??

We have her one month check up tomorrow even though she'll be 6 weeks, so we have many questions for the dr.

(it's now 2 days later)

So last night Sofia DID NOT sleep in our arms!!! Woo hoo!!! She didn't sleep in her crib or bassinet either, but she did sleep in the car seat and that is a victory for us. And she's currently napping there right now. Yay!!

Dr visit was great. She's now 10 lb 13 oz which means she gained exactly 3 lbs in 6 weeks. Yikes. She's also 22 and 1/2 inches tall. Everything looks good.

As you can see i have little time to write. Maybe now that we're putting her down more (fingers crossed that it wasn't some fluke last night!) I'll have more time.

I'll leave you with the cutest picture ever! This was her in her birthday suit on her one month birthday. I love her!!!

Brighter Days

2010-09-15T17:44:00.000-04:00

4 weeks old

She's already been here for almost a month?! I can't believe it!!! In so many ways I can't believe it's been that long but at the same time I can't remember our life before her.

We're getting better at putting her down, so she is in our arms for maybe 21 hours a day and that's HUGE progress. Thanks to inspiration from my dear bloggy friends Amber and Priscilla, I got a Moby Wrap...still trying to get the hang of it, but I think it will be a lifesaver! (feel free to give me tips on using it girls!) The wrap is basically a long piece of fabric that you wrap all around yourself and stick the baby in and they're secure. It seems like it wouldn't work, but it really does. I just haven't figured out how to get her in and out easily.

I'm feeling waaaaay better. I"m hopeful that my hormones are leveling off and the crazies are gone for good. I have an appt with my primary care Dr Friday to discuss the pain I've been getting on my hands and wrist (arthritis??) which is so severe at times, I'm afraid I could drop the baby...while I'm there I'm going to to discuss my anxiety and see what she thinks. I don't want to give in to medication so soon, but at the same time I don't have a lot of time to waste wondering if it's all going to go away. Let's face it, I've always been an anxious person (reading any blog entry of mine will tell you that) and these days I don't have the luxury of wallowing in my "what ifs"...I might need more help and I'm open to that. Having great days like today gives me hope, but then the knots in my stomach return quickly and I wonder what the right thing to do is.

Today I took Sofia out by myself for the first time. I use the term "by myself" very loosely because technically Russ was there for almost the whole time, but I didn't know he would be and so when I left for our walk and he joined us I was just thrilled and still pleased that I had made the effort to do it alone, knowing I could. What am I afraid of???

Sofia has been good...earlier in the week she had some vomiting issues but there was no fever and it passed. Still, there are times after eating that she seems soooo terribly uncomfortable - like she's in awful pain. She grunts and turns red and usually doesn't cry, but just seems to be in a lot of pain. We've tried gas drops and gripe water but it still happens sometimes. I can't distract her by sticking my finger in her mouth which she loves, but I can still see the distress in her face. I wish that would go away.

My brother is coming to see us this weekend!! He's never visited without his wife and kids, so this is special. I'm excited for him to meet his only niece. My brother and I have never really spent any time alone together, so it might even be a little weird but it's about time we got together like this, so it'll be great.

OK, I'm off to practice wrapping this baby up in her carrier!

Life with Sofia

2010-09-10T14:34:00.000-04:00

24 days

Today was literally the first day in over a week that I've had the chance to catch up on blog world. Sorry to leave you hanging.

This week has been up and down. Mostly up - I mean I have this precious little girl right here, so what could be wrong? Yeah, that's what I say at THIS moment. But I've had some down moments too.

Some mornings I wake up in a state of irrational anxiety that I can't shake. It's only on workdays when I know I'll be alone with her. And I'm not anxious about her dying or anything awful like that - I thought I'd be obsessed with making sure she was always breathing (and I do watch her and check, but just not as compulsively as I anticipated), but I'm worried about little things like getting bottles cleaned and what if she cries and I can't stop it? So far it's only been about 4 or 5 days that I've been like that, but if it doesn't stop totally soon I'm not too proud to ask the Dr for some drugs to get me through. When it's bad, it's BAD.

Today is a good day though. I'm feeding her mostly formula and am able to pump one bottle of breast milk per day which makes me feel incredibly guilty that I can't give her more, but I just don't have the milk. My body doesn't work and I need to remember that - how could I forget after all?

We basically hold her all day and I know it's a mistake, but I can't help it. Like right now, she's peacefully sleeping in her moses basket and she's been there for almost 30 min. This about her limit. Within minutes, she start crying until I pick her up and get her settled. She sleeps all night in one of our arms, usually for 3-4 hours at a time, but sometimes for 5. We haven't put her in her bassinet once at nighttime. We need to start doing that more, but EVERY book I read says you can't spoil an infant and that bad habits don't begin until 3 months.

I have yet to drive with her which means that I'm stuck inside all day. I could go for a walk outside I suppose, but I'm still scared about being outside my security zone of home. It's being alone that does me in. When Russ is here, I'm fabulous just because I know he's here to back me up if I can't handle something. But I can handle everything - I'm doing it and just need to relax.

Sofia seems to be having trouble with gas. Sometimes after she eats, she grimaces like she's in so much pain. We've tried gas drops and gripe water and sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't. And it's not consistent which is puzzling. If it were the formula (currently Infamil GenteEase) then wouldn't it upset her every time?? I don't get it, but seeing her in pain is tough.

This weekend we're going to get her out and about and feel like a real family who does normal things. Being cooped up has been driving me a little crazy. And hopefully our friend who is doing our pictures will come and I can share them with you!!

Holy Hormones

2010-09-02T19:34:00.000-04:00

16 days

I apologize in advance for how this all may sound. Please know that it's all coming from a place of crazy out of control hormones (at least I pray that's all it is...).

Being in the hospital and those first few days home were pure bliss!! I never knew I could feel so happy and all was well in the world. Then came Tuesday... My parents had been long gone and Russ had to go to work for the first time. I was overcome with panic and all feelings of well-being flew right out of me. The day went by just fine - I handled it very well. But man these past 3 days have been up and down emotionally. I wake up in the morning feeling so sick that I can't eat. I assume it's just nerves, but my appetite is GONE (I'm already down 3 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight! What??? I haven't been eating and when I do it often runs right out of me...). In a word, I'm a MESS.

At this particular moment for example, I am totally fine. I feel like myself. I look over at Russ with Sofia sleeping on his chest and I couldn't be happier. But in a flash, i could start crying about how much I wish my mom was back with us helping me and setting my mind at ease. So far Tuesday was the worst day, so I'm hopeful that this isn't going to last. At my OB appt today, she asked me a lot of questions and made me feel comfortable about reaching out for help if I didn't feel like myself soon. I know the "baby blues" are real and very common, I just didn't expect it to hit to hard and fast - and I thought it would happen immediately after birth. And my thoughts aren't about Sofia at all. I feel totally bonded to her and she makes me so happy. I just feel so unlike myself and maybe a little confused about who I am now.

OK, so here it is. Could I be mourning my pregnancy? And if that isn't crazy enough, could I be mourning my infertility? Over the period of 5 years, I became "the girl who can't get pregnant". I came to terms with that. I wasn't happy with my title, but I learned to live with it. I fought hard to overcome and won. But now what? Who am I? Logic says I'm now "mother", but I feel so ill-prepared to wear that label. I mean I know what a mom is and how to do it (at least I've read every book and article possible to prepare), but what does that mean for my identity? Perhaps this is all crazy hormone talk, but I really think there is something to the fact that infertility made who I am (was? no, AM) and now I'm clearly past that and I'm floundering. I look at Sofia and don't connect that to the victory we've achieved. If I'm not that poor chick who can't have kids and "deserves them soooo much...", then who the heck am I? Sofia's mom. That's clear. So is my identity already lost in motherhood? I don't want that. Even while pregnant, I considered myself "high-risk" (but technically wasn't) and would always say that I'd believe it when i see it (in regards to actually having a baby). Everything turned out perfectly. And yet I can't seem to accept it. When I do look over at her and deliberately connect in my mind that she is here, that she is ours, I just burst into tears. Like I said, I'm a MESS.

Also, no surprise here, I'm petrified that I'll do something to hurt her or I won't know what to do if she's in distress. These are normal worries, I know. But I think these worries are causing me to have diarrhea for 2 weeks. Not good. (and not really total diarrhea either, more like the feeling I might have it - sort of like when you're in line for a roller coaster)

Sorry to ramble...I'm not sure what's going on, but I take comfort in knowing that hormones are playing a huge part.

Also, I have to apologize to my friends who still on their IF journey. Many of my bloggy friends recently gave birth (we all had daughters in the same 2-3 week time frame!) and so I don't mean to offend those still on the journey by not seeming appreciative of everything I have now. I just need to share where my head is since that's why I do this in the first place.

Birth Story

2010-08-31T16:34:00.000-04:00

Day 14

I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since Sofia was born! In many ways, it feels impossible that so much time has passed and yet in other ways, it feels like a million years ago that it all happened.

On August 17 (37 weeks, 5 days) at about 4:45 am, I felt what i thought was a kick/gas combo. It felt like a little explosion down in my belly. I had been awake and I doubt it was strong enough to have woken me if I'd been sleeping. I thought that perhaps I needed to visit the bathroom and as i was walking, I thought I peed (how do you spell that??) myself which was weird because I didn't think I had the urge, but crazier things have happened so I didn't question it. When I sat down in the bathroom, it was very obvious what had occurred. I was WET! And it had a faint pink tinge to it. I couldn't believe my eyes! This was it, it was happening NOW.

I took some deep breaths (but I was already shaking) and called out to Russ. I called his name a couple times and then said "We have something here!" Isn't that the oddest choice of phrases? I don't know where that came from. He came to the bathroom and I told him my water broke. We just sort of looked at each other like "OK, now what???" I called the dr, got the answering service and one of the drs called back within 5 minutes. I told her my water broke and she said I should go to the hospital. I had not experienced any contractions, but she felt there was great evidence that the baby was on the way.

Next step was calling my parents who live 8 hours away. Our hope was that they would get there in time for the birth, but I was worried. I called, waking them up and shocking my mom. They immediately went into pack up and get out mode and were on the road within 45 minutes or so. At this point, I knew I had 24 hours to get her out and I wanted to stall to give my parents more time. I told Russ that while I wanted to get to the hospital, I wasn't in a big hurry.

At this point we started gathering things to bring, although I was already packed and pretty much ready to go. I also jumped in the shower so that I could be clean and shaved for who knew when my next shower would be, right? Russ had to take care of some logistical things like moving my car out into the street so my dad could park in my spot. He also decided that now would be a good time to eat 3 hot dogs. WHAT? Yeah...he knew it was going to be a long day and I was impressed that he thought ahead to eat since some days he eats nothing until 9 pm. I thought 3 hot dogs was a little excessive, but who am I to judge? =)

Have I mentioned that once I had the initial break, it just kept flowing and flowing and flowing? I'd sit on the toilet for 10 minutes and be sure it was done, then get up to get ready to go and within 30 seconds of standing, it would come pouring out again leaving puddles on the floor! It was a lot!!!

Finally it was time to go down to the car. Remember I live on the 7th floor of a high rise condo. Russ was going to meet me in the front of the building so I didn't have to walk too far. I rolled up a wash cloth and stuck it in my panties (was wearing a dress) in an attempt to make it down there dry. No such luck. In the elevator with 2 of my neighbors, I feel it start to drip and by the time I got off, i was leaving a trail through the lobby! Great. We had a waterproof pad ready to go in the car, but I leaving puddles everywhere!

We got the hospital in 10 minutes or less and went right up to labor and delivery. Still no contractions so I was really calm and ready to go. They hooked me up to the monitor and we knew that the baby was doing well. I told them that I was supposed to have a c-section but that maybe I could try laboring (???) and they said they'd wait til the dr came and checked me out. I was honest and said that I really wanted my parents to be there but that top priority went to making sure baby girl came safely.

They checked my fluid to be sure it was amniotic (gosh - what else could it have possibly been???) and reported that my cervix was barely 1 cm. No progress since the Friday before. My dr came in and said her head was up pretty high. She said I could labor and they could try pitocin to get it going. I was not a fan of that idea. In my mind, I felt like we could start labor that way but wouldn't we just end up doing a c-section anyway?? She felt that it would likely be the case - remember they still thought i had a giant baby in me. She said we could wait it out and see if labor would start naturally but that we'd lose our place in the c-section schedule and that could mean we wouldn't get it until really late if we ended up needing that which we probably would. She also told me that it's safer to do a c-section without laboring first so that the uterus doesn't get "tired" and make me bleed too much after.

It seemed pretty clear that we needed to go ahead and just do the c-section. By this time, my parents were about 5 hours away and I thought maybe they would schedule it for the afternoon and just maybe they'd make it. I called my parents and explained the situation and that it was very possibly they would miss but that we'd try. They agreed that getting her out was the way to go and aside from my parents not being there, I wanted her out ASAP. So we told the dr to go ahead with it, not knowing when we would be scheduled for the procedure.

Little by little my nurse starts coming in with things for us. The scrubs for Russ, a cap for me... I see she's now wearing little booties over her shoes. I'm like "Um......are we doing this soon???" In a word: YES. I looked back at my phone and saw that I spoke to my parents at 9:41. Well, I was in the operating room prepping by 10:15!!!! They got us right in! And that was a good thing because it meant I had no time to get nervous.

Except for that I was totally nervous! Shaking like leaf is more like it! I was told we would do a spinal/epidural combo. The spinal provides the major stuff but then the catheter is left in to provide me with continuing pain meds. In case I hadn't mentioned it before, this procedure is what I was most afraid of. And I'm not saying it hurt...it really didn't. Pain isn't the word. But i hated it. I felt like it took forever and I just wanted to cry. I know it was just nerves and it honestly wasn't pain but just an uncomfortable feeling that I never had before. And I thought it would take like 2 minutes and it felt like it would never end. The nurses were so sweet, holding my hand and I kept grabbing them and apologizing.

Once it was in, they layed me back and I literally was shaking so hard you could see my movement. Was it cold? Yeah, but this was more than shivers, I was a wreck. Thankfully the nurse told me that once the spinal hit, I would feel like I couldn't breath but that it shouldn't freak me out, I could still breath even though it felt like a truck sitting on top of me. She was right! All of the sudden, I felt like I couldn't feel myself breathing and had I not known to expect that, I would have hyperventilated for sure. Instead I just took deep breaths that felt shallow and tried to relax.

Then Russ came in the room and the procedure started. They started poking me to see if I could feel things. Some things I felt, but it wasn't pain. They kept asking "Is it PAIN?" and I'd say well...no. But I figured numb is numb and I should feel anything. Regardless I did not feel the cut and that's all that matters right?

There were like 15 people in the room and I really wish someone had thought to tell what they were doing. I would have liked a play by play, but that didn't happen. When the time came, the nurse said OK, lots of pressure now. At this point, they pushed so hard on my abdomen (right below my breast bone), I thought for sure I'd be sore for weeks. They literally squeezed her out like a tube of toothpaste. Lots of pressure and then a "There's a face..." and before I knew it she was out and we heard the cry and they brought her over to the warmer and started cleaning her. I could barely see her out of the corner of my eye, but she was there!!! Safe and sound.

After what seemed like forever, they finally brought her over to me for a 5 second peek and then whisked and her daddy off for tests and stuff. Now it was time to put me back together. They mentioned that a sedative would be given after birth to relax me during this part. I was definitely in and out but it sure felt like it took forever.

Next thing I knew I was in recovery and feeling nauseous. Does anyone remember the one thing I wanted to avoid on this day? Yes, it was feeling sick to my stomach. Well, no such luck. I threw up pretty quickly and that lasted all day. Gotta love dry heaves. Ugh....... But I had my baby girl there and she was healthy (practically perfect APGAR of 9/9 whoot whoot!).

I know there's more to tell, but this has been a long post, don't you think? I'll fill in more details another time. Specifically how awesome the whole hospital experience was. It was like being at a resort. Sort of.

As I sit here (on my first day home alone with Sofia!), she is starting to get restless, so I gotta go be a mama.

Watch for the next post where I must talk about the hormone plummet and how I'm dealing with that! Man, I cry a lot. Until next time....

PURE JOY

2010-08-26T08:43:00.000-04:00

I know...I KNOW! I left you hanging...and I'm sorry. Since this baby girl has been born HEALTHY AND STRONG, I have thought of nothing else. NOTHING else...not french fries or TV or anything. OK, so I thought about you guys, but did not take any time to update you and I'm sorry - don't be too mad.

In a nutshell, Sofia is here. She is PERFECTION. She has brought with her more joy than I could have ever expected. I look at her and weep at least 10 times a day. I can't believe she is ours and get to keep her. Every cliche about motherhood I've ever heard is true...corny, but true =).

I can't believe I can survive on such little sleep and not care one bit. She's a good (I say PERFECT) baby with a happy disposition but she definitely has her days and nights confused so her fussy time (not really that bad but compared to her angelic daytime self but more troublesome) is from 10 pm - 3am but we don't care! Feeding is the hardest part and I'm just saying that I don't like breastfeeding. I don't have a huge milk supply and am feeling pressure to perform for her and that sucks. We are supplementing with formula. They say my milk will increase but it's already 9 days...we'll see. If I can't sustain, i won't be upset. I just want her fed and happy.

I'll give more details another day...for now, here she is...my love.

Here we go!!!

2010-08-17T06:04:00.000-04:00

37w5d

My water broke!!! I got up to pee at around 4:45 am and GUSH! And it hasn't stopped gushing since! It was pink at first but now a nice clear, normal color. We're leaving for the hospital as soon as Russ finishes eating a hot dog - haha!!! He needs to build his strength. I'm trying to stall to wait for my parents but we'll see if that happens or not... Probably won't be able to post for a while, so this is it until after she gets here!!!

10 Days and Counting

2010-08-13T22:58:00.000-04:00

37w1d

Did somebody say FULL TERM?

Oh yeah!!! That's us. We're full term. She can come any day and that's perfectly fine. I really can't believe it. Today it's 10 days away from when she's scheduled to come. That means that she'll be here in ten days at most, could be even shorter. Woo hoo!

Had 3 appts today...you know the drill. Endocrinologist (thyroid and diabetes), specialist for the weekly NST and scan, and my regular OB. Everything looks good. I've made no progress since last week so that means I'm still just fingertip dilated, so I have a feeling she'll stay put until the 23rd.

How do I feel? Like a truck hit me. I literally can't walk. My legs don't work, my butt is killing me, and back pain came on again today in a terrible way. I'm pathetic. Right now as I write this, I'm sitting on a wood chair and I can barely stand to sit another minute because it hurts so bad. What is wrong with me? If anything you'd think my ass would have more padding right now!

Anyway, this weekend we will be getting the house in shape for my parents to come next weekend. They're planning on getting here next Sunday so we can all go to the hospital that Monday morning and have a baby. Yay!!!

OUCH

2010-08-07T09:23:00.000-04:00

36w2d

The word that sums up my week? OUCH.

Everything hurts. Well, not everything. And nothing really baby related (as in nothing that indicates anything could be wrong with her or my parts as they relate to her in that area). However, I feel as if I've been literally hit by a truck.

My BONES hurt.

I can't sit on my fat ass. What's a girl to do? Literally right now, I am sitting on a pillow and I know that when i get up, I will be so sore that it will take all day for me to get over it. The pain is very similar to how you feel when you ride a bike for the first time in a long time and also a lot like doing 1,000 lunges. And yet, I do not believe it is muscular primarily. I believe it is my joints. A butt joint? I don't know...that one's a mystery but I'm thinking maybe the joint where my legs join my butt. At this point in pregnancy, the cartilage becomes very soft so that the pelvis can open wide and let her out. The dr says that while this is unusual, it makes sense that I might have some arthritis-like pain. But in my butt? I also have it bad in my hands (each morning I have to physically bend each finger with my other hand in order to move them) and my knees (hurt so bad to bend them first thing in the morning that I could scream), but what's up with my ass? Driving? Hurts bad and I think when I drove 2 hours the other day I caused what I'm now recovering from now, cause it's bad. Sorry to be such a complainer, but this just sucks.

In other news, baby girl is great. My NST and scan shows that she's healthy and strong. Her fluid level was better this week (last week it was so high they felt my sugar was up and HER kidneys were working overtime to compensate causing excess fluid. GUILT). I am 1/2 cm dilated!! Dr said I could definitely hang on until Aug 23 (c-section is scheduled, 8am!) or I could go into labor tomorrow. So anything is possible.

The nursery is just about 100% done!! I want to add the finishing touches before I share pics (I'm always promising pics and never follow through, sorry. I only know how to upload photos from my phone and even then it's only through email and I copy and paste them, I need to learn - I know!). It turned out to be way more low-key than I thought it would be. We don't want it to be too busy. Once she's here, there's bound to be some clutter so the cleaner we start out, the better it will look once day to day life begins.

I can't believe that she will definitely be here in just over 2 weeks!! WE ARE READY. Bring it on!

Eleven Years...

2010-07-31T09:02:00.000-04:00

35w2d

Happy Anniversary to me and my fabulous husband Russ! It's been 11 years since we had that glorious ceremony and party and while it feels like yesterday, it also seems like it's been forever - in a good way.

One year ago today, we celebrated 10 years of marriage (obviously). The day started out with a trip to the RE to get my blood drawn for my beta on our 3rd IVF attempt. Coincidentally, one of my best friends was getting her beta drawn the same day (CRAZY, huh?) at the same time so we met there and then went to breakfast. Beta days for me were always highly anxiety inducing. This one was both that and exciting because Russ and I were going to go away to NC to a sweet (and as it turned out luxurious) bed and breakfast to celebrate our anniversary, regardless of the phone call we were to receive. I had been apprehensive about making plans on that day, not knowing what my state of mind would be later on when the call came, but we decided that sitting around here, waiting wasn't going to help. (We always took the afternoon off work and literally sat here together staring at the phone, waiting for the call on beta day - perhaps not the most healthful of practices, but we couldn't do it any other way)

So we left for NC and started driving, butterflies in my tummy the whole way down. At about 3 pm, the call came - we were on some highway in NC... My angel nurse Farrah gave us the bad news. I hung up the phone and we quickly realized we had missed our exit. It was a great distraction as we turned the car around and tried to figure out where we were going. I sniffled a little. He might have sighed an expletive (likely "F**k") over the news and we literally moved on. It was by the far the easiest BFN call we had received. I guess it was because we still had so much to celebrate that day. Also because we were going to a new place where we could just pretend that we weren't the infertile couple, we were the married happily for 10 years couple who were going to a romantic weekend together. Of course, we were both but why dwell on the IF part?

At that time, we weren't sure that a 4th attempt was possible ($$$) and we certainly never dreamed that there would be a 5th IVF. But when I think back to that time, a year ago today, I can't help but remember feeling happy that if I had to go through the evils of IF, I was blessed to be able to go through it with Russ. In fact, I dare say, that if anyone has to go through it, let it be a couple like us who can manage it without many of the destructive words and behavior that impact so many couples through no fault of their own. i know it seems easy for me to say considering my current condition, but I remember thinking that no matter what happened in the future, we were going to be OK - better than OK in fact because we had each other.

So, happy anniversary Russ!!! Things are much different this year and yet that sense of peace that you've always provided me has grown knowing that you're by my side as we begin our new adventure together.

BIG GIRL, part 2

2010-07-30T08:08:00.000-04:00

35w1d

I had my regular OB appt yesterday. We chatted about my hospital visit over the weekend (no big deal), we discussed my swelling (ugh!), and then she finally said, "OK, let's talk about this big baby of yours..."

Oh yeah.

That.

She explained to me that Sofia's head measures in the 95 percentile, along with her belly. In case you don't understand what that means, let me break it down for you. She is big AND fat. =) And will be oh, so adorable!

This brings on some pretty serious potential complications. The dr that IF her head can fit through my pelvis, the risk is then that her big, fat shoulders won't. Once her head is out, she isn't getting oxygen and if the shoulders become stuck they have to either yank her out (causing potential structural damage to her) or shove her back in and do an emergency c-section. She said that she highly doubted that her head will fit anyway (to which I thought, "But have you SEEN my hips???"). She said if it were her, she'd schedule a c-section at 38.5 weeks.

OK. Sounds like a plan.

Remember that I was going to be induced at that point anyway. Induction is something I really did not want. My friends who have been through and those on TV seem to get induced only to labor for 25+ hours and end up with a c-section anyway. So hearing that a c-section is being recommended was exactly what I wanted to hear. It's being scheduled for Aug 23 (back up date of Aug 24 if the hospital schedule is full on the 23rd, they're working on that).

SO. No labor for me unless she comes early, which I still hope she does. Only problem with her coming early now is that it won't give my parents enough time to get here. (they live 8 hours away and are prepared to leave within 15 minutes of getting the phone call which would be fine for a regular birth, but won't be enough time to make it for the c section) Aside from that, my hope is that around Aug 19 (38 weeks), I go into labor...labor at home for a little bit and then go into the hospital and have the c-section. She did say that if I went into labor in the next week or so, I should try to do it since she isn't that big yet and I might be able to get her out. As much as I want to meet her, I know that another few weeks is the best thing.

I'll still continue to get weekly NSTs and scans after which they'll either tell me that all is good or "please go have your baby now". I'm getting ready to go now. I love sitting there listening to her heart for 30 minutes! Then they'll measure my fluid.

At this point, all I care about is her being born as safely as possible. So we'll see what happens. There's some comfort in knowing that there is light at the end of this exciting, beautiful tunnel.

False Alarm

2010-07-28T07:01:00.000-04:00

34w6d

Just a quick update about our adventurous Sunday evening...

Around 6 pm, I found that I had some pink spotting that quickly turned into a deeper pink, close to red spot that only showed up upon wiping. I became concerned and called the dr on call who said there was nothing she could do to help figure it out unless we went into Labor and Delivery and had it checked out. And so we were off...

Now just having the birthing class the day before, our minds were focused on the real possibility that this was the beginning of either water breakage (the slow leak kind) or the bloody show. While Russ held it together pretty well, I immediately went into a controlled panic mode just trying to grab anything that I might need just in case this was indeed IT. I threw my robe and flip flops in a bag along with some toiletries.

We arrived at the hospital and they put me on the NST and we found that baby girl was doing very well. Lots of movement that coincided with small contractions that I wasn't able to feel. The resident dr came in and did an internal and didn't see any blood. They cultured a bunch of things and she said that my cervix was tightly closed.

My urine test came back with a trace of blood in it! So that's presumably where it was coming from, though I don't have any infection or anything. Just weird. They had me drink water until the contractions stopped and sent me home. By the time I left, there was no more spotting at all and there hasn't been any since.

So while it was an anti0climatic evening, I enjoyed the experience of knowing what it will be like on the real day. We got to ask the nurse all sorts of things and I feel even more comfortable about it all. Part of me was hoping it was really it!! But I know she's healthier to stay put for just a little while longer...

This experience did kick my butt into high gear and I'm happy to say that my hospital bag is almost all packed and my labor bag is getting there. Also, there has been great progress on the nursery - pics soon!

Big Girl

2010-07-25T17:49:00.000-04:00

34w3d

I haven't been posting much lately and yet I do have things to say...You would think that being off work would give me more time to write/read./respond, but I realize that not being at work, in front of my computer, makes it more difficult. I usually read posts from my iPhone and that means that I can't read anything other than the ones that show up in the window (maybe 2 or 3) because I can't scroll down the page (so I'm missing posts sometimes - sorry if I've missed yours!) and it also means I can't write from my phone. Anyway...here I am!

Over this past week+, we've visited 3 day care centers, taken a breastfeeding class, birthing class, and I've had my first NST and another ultrasound. I've had no more painful Braxton Hicks (woo hoo! It's been over 2 weeks since I've had any!) and am just plain TIRED.

The breastfeeding class was great, though the room they put us in was so hot, it made me sleepy and irritable. I believe that I will be able to do it, but I'm just not sure how long. Once I go back to work, I can't see me keeping up with it for too long. We shall see. The birthing class was OK. The Lamaze class we took was waaay better. This class was at our hospital though so we learned a little about how they do things and got to tour the labor rooms and all that stuff.

I'll post about day care some other time...point is that it's crazy expensive and there aren't wait lists that have less than 50 babies on it. I feel discouraged and scared that we won't find something, but I know that the right situation will come around. The place we really love is $1700 a month and it's not even that great, compared to other centers I've seen in my hometown that cost almost half. On to the fun stuff...

Due to the gestational diabetes, I now have to have a fetal non-stress test (NST) each week along with a scan to measure my amniotic fluid every week. On Friday I had my first one along with a real ultrasound that my dr ordered, though from now on the ultrasound will just be a quick scan. The NST was awesome! They put 2 belts on and measure baby's heartbeat and her movements (once in labor and delivery, this same system measures HB and contractions). Healthy babies have a rise in HB when they move. So I sat there for 30 minutes or so and just listened to her HB. The cool thing was, I would feel her move and then see that her HB would rise from 138 to 160 or so. Then it would go back into the 140s or even as low as 130. They were happy that she responded the way a healthy baby should and I just loved feeling like I was so in touch with exactly what she was doing in there. Of course my mind went into crazy-land and a couple times I worried that her HB seemed too low or that it accelerated too much, but I know I'm crazy and her report was excellent.

Then I had an ultrasound, pretty routine. I got the tech that I LOVE, so I was happy about that. I was also curious to get a measurement because with the diabetes they're concerned about her getting too big. As it is they want to induce me at 38.5 weeks... So she's measuring everything and comments on how big her head is! It's at least 8 or 9 cm already! It's huge and that's funny because Russ and I both have big heads and we've always said how our baby is doomed to follow suit. Then she commented on how long her thigh bone is and said she was going to be a tall one. Then she gave me her approximate weight...Are you ready? At 34 weeks, she already weighs 6 pounds 7 ounces! Yikes. It seems that these estimates tend to be high (based on other people who say "they told me it would be 9 pounds and it was only 7.5, etc...) so maybe it's wrong. The dr came in to discuss it and was very concerned about the diabetes and controlling, feeling my endocrinologist should be more aggressive with my insulin doses (this is the fetal maternal specialist, not my OB). Then he looked at the measurements and concluded that while diabetes may have some part, her bones are measuring very high and bones aren't impacted by diabetes (diabetes just makes babies fat). So he feels like this might be more because she's just genetically large. BIG GIRL =)

Getting back to the ultrasound, all of the sudden I look up on the screen and see a FACE! It was Sofia's face!!! I had no idea that regular machines could produce a 3D/4D image!!! And I had no clue that the tech was going to turn it on, but there she was staring back at me! So crazy and so beautiful! She has super chubby cheeks and is just adorable. She was able to get one good shot for me to take home and here it is!

That's our baby girl!! Her right hand is on the right side of her face...ahhh, I could look at her all day!

Reality Freak Out

2010-07-15T17:54:00.000-04:00

33w

I had my two-week appt today. Everything looks great. My OB (the one in practice that I know the best even though she's not officially mine - they have me see them all) filled me in on some things that I didn't know and that are making me panic just a little bit.

Due to the diabetes, they won't let her stay in me longer than 38 and 1/2 weeks. That means that I'll be scheduled for an induction sometime around August 23. THAT means that most likely I'll need pitocin and THAT means that I'll have to get an epidural because I'm not superwoman. Of course she could come on her own sometime before then and that's what I'm hoping for, though I hope it's not too soon. She said that at 36 weeks they wouldn't stop labor should I go into it. Also I will start seeing the high risk doctor each week (in addition to the regular OB) for ultrasounds and measurements of the baby and fluid. I'm loving that idea as it means I'll get to really check in with her every week. If they find she's getting too large, they may schedule a c-section, though not before 37 weeks.

So then she starts asking me, "Is the nursery done?" and I'm like umm....kinda? Not really. Then she says "You have a car seat??" and I'm like well, yeah, but does it need to be in now??? She said I had a couple weeks but the sooner the better, she could come anytime. YIKES. Then she asks about day care and I tell her that's the most stressful thing right now and she encouraged me to get on it. She didn't mean to make me freak out - really, she didn't. She was very matter-of-fact about it all. But now? I'm freaking out just a little bit. There is MUCH to be done. On the top of the list is day care. What are we going to do?? There just aren't places around (weird, considering I'm in a major metropolitan area) and the in-home care I've contacted all seem to be full or unwilling to call me back which indicates to me that they don't need my business. There just aren't day care centers around like there are out in the more distant suburbs (I'm just a mile outside of DC, but still technically the "suburbs"). I guess it has to do with property value and places being unable to operate where it's so costly. We've thought about nanny sharing but still there's much to be researched and considered.

Luckily, we're trying to work it out so that we don't need day care until January 2011. I'll go back to work in mid November and then Russ will take off until I have winter break and then we'll start the new year with our new routine.

I know it will get done - what option is there? I just feel very overwhelmed with the clear fact that this is all happening SOON. And even though I feel I'm not ready logistically speaking, I am so ready to meet Sofia!

Also, last night we had pediatrician orientation and we love the practice! They were warm and have awesome hours (they are open on Christmas day!?) and I don't think we're going to meet with any other doctors. This practice was recommended highly by friends so I feel comfortable.

Our infant care class with CPR training is on Saturday. I'm already CPR certified but I need a brush up and Russ has not training. Should be interesting... Next week is breastfeeding class and then the birthing class at the hospital along with the tour of the labor and delivery wing. Exciting! And scary.

We're having a BABY!

Catch Up

2010-07-12T18:47:00.001-04:00

33w4d

I realize that I am not using this blog for the one of its main purposes which is to document this pregnancy in detail. Oh, I tell you guys all kinds of stuff, but I don't think I'm doing a good job of documenting things for me to have a history of what all happened. And the reason why I think it's important for me to do that is because once I get over some little bump (like horribly painful contractions), I forget all about them. And I want to have everything documented - good, bad, whatever. So I will try to be more detailed in the things that I want to remember but I can tell already that it's not going to happen today.

So I've been in Buffalo all last week and am not home and feeling quite overwhelmed with everything. We have a BABY coming really soon and we are so not ready - logistically speaking. With the third (beautiful, fabulous!) shower over with, we finally have just about everything we need but now the nursery is full of stuff and if there's one thing I'm bad at, it's organizing. I'm pretty good at most things that I put mind to (reproducing is an exception), but I become easily overwhelmed about where to put "stuff" and so I tend to have some clutter. I don't know where to begin, but considering that I'm not working all summer I know it's my responsibility to figure it out and get it done.

I'm suddenly feeling really scared about everything baby. It's not the baby coming home part, it's everything that leads up to that. We have our birthing class at the hospital next week so I hope that helps me feel more comfortable. It's just becoming all too real that I could easily go into labor VERY SOON. In less than a month I'm considered full term? Unimaginable.

I believe that if you're reading this and you're currently expecting, you passed your glucose test and let me just tell that you really need to be thankful for that. Because gestational diabetes SUCKS. I can live with it - only a few more weeks left after all - but it's starting to get to me and my positive attitude is fading fast. This regimented schedule is the worst and I'm just tired of it. For instance right now I need to be thinking about what I'm going to eat for dinner and I'M NOT HUNGRY. But I have to eat. And not just eat anything; I have to eat a good, well-balanced meal. Normally on a night like tonight I'd have some fruit and maybe popcorn. Can't do that. I realize that I'm not a big protein person, no surprise there I guess. And before bed i have to have a snack??? Man oh man.

This week I have my regular OB appt and my diabetes/thyroid appt. Do I get any more ultrasounds? I'm not sure. I think I gained 2 pounds finally, so I feel good about that. It brings my total weight gain to around 20-21 pounds, but I'll know for sure Thursday at the dr - you know how all scales seem to be different? That's the one that I'm counting.

OK, time for me to force feed myself. What will it be? Salad and chicken? That's new. Read: blech! =)

Catching Up

2010-07-04T09:04:00.000-04:00

31w3d

I'm up in Buffalo for my family shower on Wednesday. It's the final shower, which is good because we really can't fit any more stuff in our little condo!! Not that I don't appreciate everything but it is getting tight. The shower on Wednesday will be my aunts and cousins and friends that I grew up with along with some of my mom's friends from work. It seems everyone is really interesting in "showering" us with love and good wishes - my mom's work people actually asked if they could come (mom was going to invite them but then it's getting awkward if they don't want to come and they feel obligated to buy a gift). The shower is at some fancy country club with a sit down dinner and all kinds of crazy stuff. Where I live now, no one does it like that but up here that's how showers always are. I had never been to a shower at someones house until I moved to Virginia. From what I understand though, that's the norm whereas spending all this money at fancy venues is more of thing just up here. Who knows. But I appreciate everything everyone is doing for us!

I felt pretty good all week up until Thursday night when those terrible contractions happened again. they became regular, though only 45 min - an hour apart. I know that can be normal, but it's the pain and intensity that throws me. When I read about Braxton Hicks, it describes them and then says to call your doctor if they are painful (check!), feel like menstrual cramps (check!), involve pain down the legs (check!), and include back pain (check!). So I don't think I'm a paranoid nut for being concerned. Luckily I had an OB appt Friday anyway, so I was glad to go especially knowing that I was going to be out of town all week this week. They checked me and my cervix is all good, they did that test again (why do I always forget the name???) to see if I'm out of the woods for going into labor in the next 2 weeks (no results yet unless no news is good news, with the holiday weekend, I'm not surprised I haven't heard). I read one article that said since the baby is putting pressure on all of my internal organs, normal functioning can at times become painful. I so feel this is the case for me. When I eat, I'll get terrible cramping (sort of like you have to run to the bathroom before it's too late, though bathroom use is not needed at all - I know this because I run to the bathroom and just sit there like a dummy thinking it'll help). It makes sense to me that food going through my system is putting pressure on my uterus and may be causing it to cramp/contract. Just my theory.

I'm all done with work for the summer (and hopefully until after Sofia is here!). We're spending this first week up here and then I'm home til the end getting the nursery ready and waiting. Waiting. I'm really happy to be done with work, but I'm a little worried that having nothing to do might make the waiting seem soooo long. NOT that I'm complaining =).

My eating is a pain with this diabetes thing. I have to check my blood, inject insulin, eat breakfast, wait 2 hours, check my blood, have a snack, wait 2 hours, eat lunch, wait 2 hours, check my blood, have a snack, wait 2 hours, inject insulin, eat dinner, wait 2 hours, check blood, eat a snack and inject more insulin before bed. It's not the needles that bother me - I'm the needle pro after all!!! (5 IVFs with 4 injections a day makes you that. It's official.) It's the meal planning that killing me. I can fit almost anything i want to eat into my diet, but I have to always make sure I'm getting the right ratio of protein to my carbs and adding milk and all kinds of stuff that I just don't want to think about. It's just a pain and all I think about is food all day and it's becoming obsessive because when I finish one meal, I start thinking about what I have to eat at the next. And it's not like when I used to obsessed with food and think about all the great things I'll eat later. This feels more like work. Only 60 days left! And the good part is that while baby girl is growing healthily, the rest of me is definitely losing weight. My legs are back (to not being so big and swollen looking) and my parents who saw me just 2 weeks ago say that while my belly looks bigger, I look smaller. So that's a good thing, right? I'm still stalled at the 18-19 pound weight gain mark and I'm just fine with that.

So we're off to the beach today! Hope everyone enjoys a fun holiday!!!

Amazing Lamaze

2010-06-27T17:15:00.001-04:00

30w3d

So we spent ALL DAY yesterday in Lamaze class. We arrived at about 8:45 am and left at about 5:30 pm. Looooong day. But very well worth it. The class was held in a Lamaze.org trainer's home. Her whole basement was dedicated to the teaching of the class. In one room we set up our mats and pillows for breathing practice and in the other there were chairs and couches for the classroom portion where we watched a power point presentation and she lectured, with a birthing film at the very end.

I'm SO GLAD we went. When she first started, it became very clear that she was going to cover the entire child birth process beginning to end. I started wondering if the birthing class at the hospital is going to be redundant, but now I figure another perspective won't be bad and also that they will speak specifically to our experience at our hospital.

In a nutshell, Lamaze is NOT breathing like a crazy person. I thought it was. I thought we'd feel ridiculous and I wondered if I'd be too embarrassed to actually do the techniques during labor. In reality, it's much closer to the breathing and relaxation that I do in yoga and meditation. It was so ME. Very, very simple breathing techniques geared toward relaxing the mind and body so that we are not focusing on the pain. The instructor created a most peaceful environment and the day was full of practicing how we're going to manage when the time comes. Russ practiced rubbing my back (um, yeah, it was FULL of massage for me all day - bonus!) and we talked about what I liked and what I didn't. It was very bonding. We practiced getting know my signals so that he knows when to do what. We tried different laboring positions - some of which look like he's trying to keep me up when I'm drunk!

Surprisingly, most of the people there planned to have an epidural but wanted some tools to use during early labor. While the instructor definitely led us to believe that an unmedicated birth is very, very doable, she never ever made anyone feel judged about their choices. She went into great detail about how an unmedicated birth could potentially be. She then explained the narcotic option (I had no idea that one was used so often!) and epidurals. I left feeling that whatever option we choose, our baby will alright. I definitely left feeling like I can totally do it all without anything, but I am worried about it going on for 20+ hours and how well I'll hang in there. I can't say enough about how she made us feel that the experience can be a calm and beautiful one and nothing like the crazy scenes we see in movies and on TV.

One thing she advised which I hadn't thought about is having 2 different bags. One for labor and delivery and one for postpartum. I obviously knew about the one bag with my robe and baby clothes in it, but it hadn't occurred to me to have one for all the things we'll need during labor. One thing I'm going to bring is a little, cheap hand-held fan. I hate being hot and sweaty and I think it'll help me feel good. Also , I need to find out if I can have dim lights and candles (maybe battery operated ones if real ones aren't allowed?). Pillows from home are a big one too. My mind is full of possibility and I'm glad she got me thinking.

All day, I kept thinking that I couldn't believe we were actually sitting there learning about all this stuff. I don't know when reality is going to set in, but to think that we could safely go into labor in a few weeks is more than I can wrap my mind around. And then she'll be here!!! Keeping my eye on the prize is the thing that I know will get me through any amount of pain and unease. Bring it on.

Doctors and Diabetes

2010-06-24T21:07:00.001-04:00

30w

I hit the 30 week mark YAY!!! There's something about being in the 30s that makes me all at once excited and scared. This baby is coming and she's coming fast. Whoa. Am I ready? Sure I am.

Monday was a day of doctors. I started at the pediatric cardiologist where they were finally able to tell me that Sofia's heart look normal, so no worries there. I then went up to the endocrinologist where I learned that I would have to start insulin shots 3 times a day!!! Not what I expected at all.

Then I had my OB appt. My dr was hoping that I hadn't experienced any more painful contractions but I had to tell that I had. She was very close to putting me on bed rest but I told her that I only had a week or so more of work, so I'm off that hook. She just said I can't walk around and I need to take it "very easy". I'm supposed to call/go in any time I feel at all concerned. Her exact words were to have a "low threshold for contacting" them. I'm so glad they don't think I'm crazy. I've read that Braxton Hicks can sometimes feel crampy, but it's definitely not the norm. I haven't had them too badly this week, so I hope they're gone for good. I'm trying my best to stay hydrated so I hope that's helping. Also, I was concerned because it seems I haven't gained weight in about a month but they weren't concerned at all. I have some "reserve" as they say, so it's all good. Baby girl is growing quite nicely and that's what matters. I'm stuck here at about a 19 pound weight gain and I'm fine with that!

Today I had a 3 hour class about how to eat with GD. It was only me and the dietitian and it still took forever!! I learned a lot, but am overwhelmed by how regimented I have to be! I have to eat at exact times and have very specific food groupings at each meal. I'm glad I went because I learned a lot, mostly that this could really be impacted baby girl which is motivation enough to be strict about it. I'm just not used to having to force feed myself. NOT that I'm not hungry...it's just that I usually eat small snacks all day long and now I have to eat 3 small meals and 3 snacks which sounds fine until I put it into practice. Once I'm done with a meal or snack, I can't have anything until the next one and that's going to be a challenge. Also I have to have milk or yogurt 4 times a day!! That's so much! And getting in my protein might be tough too. But I can do it!

Russ has put the nursery back together and I can't believe how much STUFF we have!! And I still another shower! I had to add more things to our registry because it was becoming depleted. And it's like Christmas everyday with all of the gifts coming in the mail. This part is FUN.

Saturday is our Lamaze class!! It should be interesting to say the least...it's all day from 9-5, how am I supposed to do that without a nap??? Yikes. Next month we have the birthing class at the hospital but we wanted to learn this method specifically, so I'm excited but a little weary as the class is at some lady's house and I just hope it's a comfortable environment. And I hope I don't feel silly about all that practice breathing!! I'll let you all know...

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T19:14:00.000-04:00

29w3d

Our big shower was last night and was sooo amazing!! (Can't find my camera so no pics yet, hopefully it will turn up soon...)

I was mostly overwhelmed and overjoyed by the outpouring of love that our friends showed us. My close friends got there early, set up the entire room while my mom was upstairs working on the food. I was on the couch having more painful contractions like the ones I had earlier in the week. I was a little stressed about not being available but it was a good lesson in letting go of control. When I walked down to the party room, everything was perfect!!! We received so many wonderful things and afterward (close to midnight!) my friends were like troops who all picked everything up from gifts to food trays and carried it up to our condo. I swear if they weren't there, we would still be making trips up and down today! I'm so grateful for these wonderful people in my life. Can't wait to share the pics!!

So it's Father's Day. I gave Russ a card and I loved the words. It spoke to all the hard work he puts in for our family and after he read he said "I'm not a father yet..." and I had to disagree. He is already the best dad there could be.

I've been reading magazine articles lately and chapters in some baby books that talk about how to deal with getting dad acclimated to his new role. I find these articles so condescending! Like men are clueless, bumbling idiots who might kill the baby if not properly supervised. I realize that there are many men who are not as naturally skilled at the whole fatherhood thing as others might be, but in my opinion if we treat men like idiots (or anyone for that matter), that's exactly how they'll behave.

I feel so fortunate to have a husband who is not only already co-parenting (in terms of making decisions and taking on responsibilities) but in many cases, he plans to be the lead. Isn't that how it should be? I guess that not everyone is so fortunate, so I need to be grateful for him every second of every day. Happy Father's to Russ and all the other dads out there who are equal parents to their babies and babies to be!

One shower down, two to go...

2010-06-17T17:57:00.000-04:00

29w

First of all, happy 29 weeks to us! Next week will be 30 and that is just too darn close to 37 (full term) that it's starting to me anxious. Not my normal what-if-somethings-wrong-with-the-baby anxious, but a more holy-crap-we're-having-a-baby(!) anxious. It's very exciting.

Yesterday my work threw me a phenomenal shower!!! Lots of beautiful decorations, great food, and wonderful people! The prettiest cupcakes I've ever seen and super yummy too. And they got Chik-fil-a chicken just for me cause it's my favorite. Russ was a little uncomfortable at first because while he's met many of my co-workers (and is even good friends with a lot), there were a lot of strangers and it's just a little weird to be accepting gifts from strangers.

We got so many nice things!!! Our little place is filling up very quickly with stuff and it's only the beginning. Gifts keep arriving in the mail and our next shower is Saturday so there will be even more stuff! I have no pictures yet because the picture person hasn't gotten them to me, but soon! I promise!

I've started checking my blood sugar 4TIMES A DAY! I'll tell you what - this is the best way to lose weight ever! Not that I'm trying, but I know I will. I actually have to force myself to eat at the times I need to and once I eat, a 2 hour countdown begins and I can't have anything else until I check my sugar. So for instance, I just ate a frozen lean cuisine and while I can't say I'm full, I can't think of what else to eat so I'm done for now. Normally I would have had the dinner, then maybe in a half hour or hour had something else like some popcorn or cereal but now I can't have anything until my bedtime snack. I'm certain that I'm eating enough for the baby, so I'm not worried about that. So far I'm really enjoying seeing where my blood sugar is and trying to get it in the right range. I go back Monday to check in and I'm pretty sure they'll give me insulin shots to take because my morning numbers are pretty high, but that's OK. I need to eat a low-carb high protein breakfast and I'm just not sure what to eat! Suggestions?

Eventful Day

2010-06-15T18:09:00.002-04:00

28w5d

What a day!! Long story short, everything is fine BUT I spent my morning in the Labor and Delivery ward. Allow me to explain.

I woke up at midnight with a sharp pain in my lower uterus. I thought that maybe I needed to use the bathroom and that I was just going to have a big 'ol bowel movement, but that wasn't the case. It went away and I went back to sleep only to be awoken again an hour later. It felt like the worst menstrual cramps ever, but nothing that I had ever actually felt before. And in addition to the abdominal pain, there was radiating pain down my legs (which I sometimes get with my period) and radiating back pain. The pain came in a wave that lasted maybe a minute and then was gone. It came back an hour later and then 4 more times, about 60-90 minutes apart and it was pretty clear that they were contractions.

So I called my OB as soon as the office opened and they wanted to see me ASAP. At this point I hadn't had any pain for almost 3 hours and was relieved but as I was walking into the hospital (where my OB is), it came again and then lingered. I felt like I had my period - mildly crampy and just icky in general. They checked me out and my cervix was perfectly tight. They did that test (can't remember what it's called) where they check your level to see if you are going into labor anytime soon - it's just a vaginal culture.

THEN she says she wants to send me to labor and delivery just to be sure! I have to say that I was a little freaked out. I was alone and this is the first time Russ didn't come with me to an appt. I was so sure that it was nothing... So I'm walking through the hospital trying to find where I need to go and I'm trying not to cry. And then I get there and realize they basically have to admit me! I get a wristband and a room and have to wear a gown and everything! They could tell I was anxious and were really good at calming me down.

They hooked me up to monitors for baby's heart and contractions. I sat there for a a couple hours and they let me go. The test came back negative which means there's a 99% chance that I WON'T go into labor in the next 2 weeks (thank goodness!). Russ was on the way into the hospital when they released me so he didn't get to see the whole thing, but I have to say I am impressed with the rooms and the nurses and am glad I'm delivering there.

So basically I'm fine and they chalked it up to maybe I was dehydrated or maybe it was for no good reason at all. I'm supposed to "take it easy" for the next few days. I wonder if that means host a shower for 75 people? =)

What did I learn? Well.......if the pain I felt last night is anything like labor pain, my whole unmedicated birth plan might be out the window. I have to remember thought that when I'm really in labor, the pain will be purposeful and I won't be scared like I was last night so maybe I can make it through. We shall see.

My day ended at the endocrinologist (same building as my OB/hospital) where I got my glucose monitoring kit so I get to start poking tomorrow. Fun, wow.

Exciting Week Ahead

2010-06-14T14:16:00.000-04:00

28w4d

I'm so excited about this week, I had to stop myself from crying on the way to work today.

On Wednesday, my work family is throwing me a shower. It will be right after school (you know I work in a middle school, right?) and Russ will come and lots of people will be there. In fact I can't believe how many people! I think it's close to 50 (and, yes, it could be because everyone loves free cake, but I like believing it's for me!).

At work, I was very, very (sometimes too) open about my IF journey. My department and teachers always knew why I was out at appts and home on bed rest. Their prayers and support were probably the most important thing to me during that time. They understood when I couldn't fulfill commitments and never (not once!) made me feel guilty about any of it. They jumped to help cover my responsibilities, asking for nothing in return. They truly are a family and I'm so thankful that I have them. How could I have gone through 5 cycles without this amazingly generous support system? I swear I want to throw them a party to say thank you.

On Saturday we're having our big shower bash! My parents will be in town for it and we're expecting 50-60 people Saturday night. There has been much planning and I'm so thankful to the friends who have helped me out (Shelley, Katie, Cheryl, and Emily ROCK!). The fun begins at 7:30 and we have our bartenders booked til midnight so I hope everyone stays and has a great time. I wish everyone reading this could come!!!

Bottom line is that I can't believe I'm having a shower. A BABY shower. Me.

There was a time this past fall when I came to terms with the realistic possibility that we'd never have a child. Maybe we would adopt, but where on earth would we get the $$ for that? I'm not saying I was OK with it, but I was processing my reality and choosing to accept what I couldn't change. I know I've reminded you of this before, but remember that cycle 5 was a bonus for us. Insurance approved it, so we went for it knowing that the statistics were not in our favor. My Dr. said "I've had it happen once or twice before, but by the 5th try your chances are minimal..." So we went for it because we could and we were determined to exhaust our resources. I truly never thought it would work. And as you know, I HATE the fact that once I gave into it and (dare I say?) relaxed about it all, we hit the jackpot (mind you I LOVE that we hit the jackpot, but just hate that I proved so many people right who gave me annoying advice along the way).

And now baby Sofia is in there. She's growing and kicking and tumbling and getting ready to make her appearance in this world. And I get to celebrate her all week long!!! To anyone reading this who happens to be attending one of these events, I just need to warn you to expect many joyful tears. I am going to be one hot mess! ...but in a good way.

Party's Over

2010-06-11T07:25:00.001-04:00

28w

It's official. I have gestational diabetes. BOO!

Bright side is I now have to eat well (though I wasn't eating too terribly before...). I had already made an appt with the endocrinologist in anticipation of the news, so I'll see her on Tuesday. I think they'll send me to a class to learn how to manage this over the next 2+ months. This really means that I need to plan my meals much better. I do far too much eating on the run which most often leads to eating poorly (I am a fan of the drive-thru window). Luckily I'll be done with work in a couple weeks so I won't be as tempted to eat badly since I eat less in the summer (cause I'm not up at the crack of dawn!) and I'm home more and I don't keep bad food in the house. It'll be good, but I was really was hoping to have dodged this bullet.

So here's the weird thing. On Monday, my test results from last week come back (they had done a throat culture to see if I had strep or not because I was so sick all week). Turns out that it was positive, but I'm positive for Group B Strep. If you google that, you'll see that all of the information about it is written in terms of how group B strep impacts delivery and the infant. If the baby contracts it during delivery, there can be dire consequences. It says that many (most?) women are given a screening around 3 weeks to check. The screening is via vaginal swab since that's one of the main ways it's carried.

So I get all that and understand that if one is a carrier of group B strep, they give you antibiotics during delivery and it significantly cuts down risks for baby. What confuses me is that I had it in my throat and there's nothing that says "when found in the throat, it can cause the following symptoms..." I'm not questioning whether or not they actually found it, but I do question whether or not it's what made me sick. Regardless, I'm on antibiotics and life is good because I'm feeling a zillion times better.

Lastly, they have me starting kick counts. I knew this was going to be a major source of anxiety for me and so far it has been on and and off. Yesterday for instance, she was so active all day that I didn't worry at all. The day before, however, I was nervous because although she definitely kicked enough, I felt the quality of her kicks weren't up to par. Really? Now I'm evaluating her kick quality???? I AM CRAZY. I feel like her weak kicks are signs that she's, well....weak. I need to stop over analyzing it all. I know. Just one more thing to worry about...

Brown sugar

2010-06-06T09:30:00.001-04:00

27w3d

The changing table is ready to go which mean all nursery furniture is up and ready to be placed in its final destination.

That chair.

That chair we got is just so BIG.

The idea was to get a chair and a half so that we could be the adorable family sitting together in a chair. Also, to have one that could be suitable for sleeping in as that's inevitable. (please recall that rockers/gliders make me motion sick, no good for anyone) But it's BIG and takes up a lot of space. Some nursery fantasies might have to take a back seat, but it'll be alright. I'm sure we can figure it out. If I can get pregnant, certainly there's a solution for this, right? Can't wait until it's all done!!

So I failed my glucose tolerance test MISERABLY. Yeah, my level went to 179. I've read that if it's 180, you have to get treated right away (whatever that means). So now I get to go tomorrow and do the 3 hour test. I know that failing the one-hour doesn't necessarily mean that I have gestational diabetes, but with that super high number, I sort of assume the worst. Bright side is that at least it will force me to eat well. Sitting there for 3 hours (they won't let me leave the office for any reason! And then they take blood once per hour) is going to suck. And it means another day off work. Every day I take off, I think about how it's one less day I'll have with Sofia in the fall and that's depressing. I only worked on half-day last week because I was so sick. And now I'm missing tomorrow because of this test and my appt with the thyroid doc. It'll all work out, right?

Russ is trying to figure out his leave for the fall. He originally wanted to take 3-4 weeks when she first comes, but now is thinking that maybe he'll take more time off on the back end when I have to go back to work so that we can delay her day care (not that we have any yet) as much as possible). His boss (who is also a dear friend, more like family) offered to give him some of his sick time so he could be gone longer. Is that the sweetest thing ever? We're blessed.

I hate that it all comes down to money and I find myself seriously praying that we win the lottery. I know there are more important things to pray for (like my mantra "healthy baby girl Sofia" which I repeat to myself day and night), but I'm not saying I want to be crazy rich. I just don't want to have to worry about her care. All I'm asking for is enough so that I can take all of next year off and then when she's 1, she can go someplace for day care. Who am I kidding? If we win the lottery, it'd be great if I could be home the first few years, I know. It's just a dream though. And for people who think we could do it if we really sacrificed? No way. We need my income just as much as his.

Lastly, I went back to brunette yesterday. If you only know me from here, you're probably thinking that I've always been brunette because my profile pic is one of me with dark hair. While I am a natural brunette, I've been on and off blond for about 15 years. Up until yesterday afternoon, I was pretty gosh darn blond. But now I'm back to my roots and really like it. The choice was made because once she's here, I really can't afford my highlights (see? I am sacrificing!), at least not ones that I'll be happy with. As it is, I've been cutting corners and walking around looking in ways that I'd never thought I'd allow myself to be seen. No more of those half-ass dye jobs.

The bigger picture reason is because when I learned we'd be having a baby girl, I decided that it meant I had to go back to brown. As you know (if you've been paying attention), baby girl Sofia is biracial. I have no idea what her hair texture will be like, but am quite certain that it won't be straight and silky. As hard as I'll try to prevent it, she'll likely have negative feelings about her hair and will wish it were more like mine. (I, on the other hand, will likely be envious of her hair - you know how that goes...) So, the least I can do is make it darker so that it will resemble her's at least a little. I've also considered getting a perm, but I don't think that's going to happen. I know it might sound ridiculous, but having many black and mixed friends/family, I know this is a probable issue and it's the least i can do to try and remedy it. I'm not naive enough to think it will solve the problem, but it's a little step that I can take now. She needs to learn that her hair (and hair color) is beautiful and I plan to do everything I can to help her know that. Her hair is perfect, her skin is perfect, her mind is perfect.

(Incidentally, even if i had married a white dude, I still know that this little girl will define beauty in terms of what I look like, so I would still want my hair to be close to hers, asssuming she'd inherit my natural brown hair. None of this is to say that if baby girl comes out with unlikely red or blond hair, I'd dye it to match, it's just that I'm trying to send the message that whatever she comes out with is beautiful and doesn't that start with modeling that myself?)

I'm seeing spots (more like polka dots)

2010-06-01T20:21:00.001-04:00

26w5d

It's been a weird weekend...Friday started with my emotional breakdown...things in that area didn't really improve until yesterday. Sunday was an adventure. Allow me to explain...

My friend came over and we lay by the pool for a little bit, with my shower coming up in a few weeks, I need some sun to go with my dress!! So after, we cooked out and sat at the picnic tables on the condo property where I live. The benches are coated metal that have holes cut out of them. The holes are about the size of a dime. Can you picture what I mean here? I should taken a photo. Well, I sat pretty much bare-butt on the bench for an hour or so (bare because I had on my little skirt from the pool, but not like naked coochie bare or anything!).

I had been feeling kinda icky (more on that later) so i take a nap after. I'm laying on my side when Russ comes into the bedroom and asks "what's that?". He doesn't seem too alarmed, but just takes my phone and takes a picture of my butt (which was sticking out from under my shirt). It looks like someone had taken a dark purple bingo stamper and stamped dots all over my ass!! It was quite disturbing looking and NO, I am not posting the picture!

It seemed pretty obvious that it was marks from the bench I was sitting on earlier because the purple marks were not only the same size as the holes in the bench, but they were exactly where my lower butt/upper thighs would have been sitting.

WTF?

These "bruises" showed up only 45 minutes after I got up off the bench. Weird. Google helped me see that there's another pregnant woman someplace that this happened to and her doc told her it was the larger amount of blood in her system pooling. Eek. Another post said it could be lack of iron. Another said it could be a blood clotting issue (now it's looking more scary) and another said it could be a preeclampsia-like condition (super scary). So i call mom and she thinks I need to call the dr. so I do.

The dr is like "ugh...that's weird." She doesn't seem too alarmed but does want me to call first thing Tues morning (love having issues over the holiday weekend, right?) to come in. So today I did and they think it was just the pressure of my fat ass on the bench breaking capillaries and pooling blood and no one's worried. OK. If they say so. Incidentally, the marks have totally faded and you can barely see them today.

Sorry if that story was a bit anti-climatic for you. But i had to document that one!

So at least I got to see the dr a couple days early (my regular 4 week appt was supposed to be Thurs). I did my glucose test so we'll see about that. I had stayed home from work today because I am fighting a terrible cold, but she wasn't too concerned about that. Baby girl seems to be perfectly fine. Starting next week, she wants me to count kicks, but that doesn't sound as stress inducing as I thought it would be.

In other baby news....
Yesterday, Russ put the crib together!! There's going to be a baby in there! Whoa.
My first shower, the one at work, is in 3 weeks! Followed by the big one here 3 days later, followed by the Buffalo one in July. All invitations have officially gone out. Between you and me, I'm having fun checking out my registry and seeing what people have bought. Is that tacky? A little, right? It's so exciting though!!!

Did someone say MOODY?

2010-05-29T08:10:00.001-04:00

26w2d

To say that I've been a bit emotional lately isn't really accurate. To say that I've been a complete mess characterizes it much better.

I thought that earlier in the week when i cried for over an hour upon thinking Russ was dying in bed only to find out he was having a nightmare was a bit excessive, but I blamed it on it being the middle of the night and a truly terrifying moment. Then there was yesterday.

I'm happy to report that my emotional ups and downs are not limited to just crying. When my nail place gave me a hard time about being 10 minutes late for my appointment, I became so angry that I was shaking and told the nail girl on the phone I could not possibly come in as I was far too upset. (It was a ridiculous situation over which I will NEVER return to the salon, but how angry I was seemed excessive.)

Then last night after dinner...

All Russ asked is what I ate for the day. I have to admit it was a particularly bad eating day for me. It had started with my usual yogurt, but went downhill fast. At work when my friend offered to get me McDonald's breakfast, I had to go for it. I did have my V-8 Fusion drink and an apple but then the nail place situation caused me to find comfort in Wendy's fries and a shake (did you know they have shakes? And they come with whip cream and a cherry?). And although I know it's wrong, I have to declare that those fries completely altered my mood back to happy pregnant girl. For a couple hours.

So I tell him what I ate (may have "forgotten" to mention the shake) and he says "Baby, you need to eat vegetables every day." Like I don't know this? The conversation went on and I asked him to help me eat vegetables and he didn't understand how to do that and it went on and on for about 15 minutes and then I started crying, said "I want to go home now!" (we were in our favorite kabob restaurant), went to the car where I sobbed and howled for 15 minutes. I'm pretty sure Russ felt confused. I felt he could have been more supportive and helped me figure out how to eat more veggies, his stance was "just eat them, what's the big deal? We all do things we don't want to do". So I cried and said how I'm sure he wishes he could be proud of me and the way I've been taking care of myself and the baby by eating immaculately (did someone say projection?) and that I'm sure he wished he could tell everyone that I work out every day and am in better shape now than ever (more projection?) but that it just wasn't the case.

It doesn't take a genius to figure out that it was my guilt that came pouring out in the car last night. I don't feel proud of the way I'm handling the whole eating thing. Yesterday was particularly terrible and not typical of what I eat every day, but still. I know I need to do better and Russ putting that mirror up to me threw me over the edge. But to cry that hard about it? Ugh. I felt like such a girl...you know stereotypically hormonal and sensitive. Hate that. There was a moment when he looked at me with pure pity.

Pathetic.

A new kind of crazy

2010-05-25T10:02:00.001-04:00

25w5d

The 100 day countdown begins...100 days sounds like a lot, but man it seems like it will be here in no time!!

The past couple of days have been crazy!! Yesterday, I was wearing my Old Navy maternity pants that I love, but am obviously growing out of. They are the ones that have a natural waist with a button and zipper and elastic panels on the side that you can tighten/loosen as you need to. These have been one of my favorites because they feel like real pants and are really comfortable.

Well, yesterday may have been their last day because all day they were really digging into my bellly and I would have to pull them up high in order to be comfortable. So when I left the grocery store and got in the car, I decided to unbutton AND unzip them so that I would be more comfortable.

Silly me thinks that since I've been sitting so long, the pants will just automatically stick to my body when I get out of the car??? Really don't know what I was thinking. What I do know is that I had my hands full of grocery bags and as I'm walking through my parking garage (remember I live in a high rise condo with a parking garage underneath), I can feel my pants slipping...but i'm thinking that they must be ok because, really. How much could they go down? Well I'll tell you. They can go down A LOT. I reach up with my hand (loaded with a grocery bag mind you) and discover that my pants are down below my butt and I'm showing everyone my (BRIGHT ORANGE) underwear! How luck am I that they didn't go down to my ankles? I tried my best to cover myself up, but just tried to get into the elevator as fast as I could (which was not very fast). I don't know if anyone actually saw me, but if they did, I hope they were able to have a good laugh!

Then? Last night? Russ has a nightmare in the middle of the night. Except I think he's literally dying! He has terrible allergies and uses a rescue inhaler when his lungs become congested. So in his sleep he starts making a terrifying noise, stops breathing, and taps me in distress as if to say "HELP ME!!" So I shoot up out of bed and turn on the light and search for his inhaler screaming "Where is it? Where is it??" He quickly woke up and told me he was OK, it was just a dream he was having. Upon hearing that he's alive and well, I burst into tears. And not just a little wimper. I was howling. For almost an hour. At 2 am. I really thought he was dying - this boy DOES NOT ever ask for my help or make me think he's in distress unless he really is (which has honestly never happened before). It was the single scariest moment I've ever experienced. It took me so long to calm down...I can't imagine what our neighbors think. And then I'm thinking that the baby must be stressed with all my carrying on.

So here's the thing.

I am so tired of being anxious. Last night really put me over the edge. I can't worry about something bad happening to the baby or Russ anymore and yet and I can't stop worrying! I know it's not good for me or for her, but UGH!!! I can't help it! And to think that in 100 days she'll be here and then what?? The worrying really begins. I am so going to need to be medicated...

Stress and stretchmarks

2010-05-21T07:39:00.001-04:00

25w1d

I guess it's been a crazy week. I've been stressed at work (in Virginia, we have standardized testing that takes place next week and I'm one of the people at my school responsible for making sure it all goes off without a hitch...stressful), my friend is here to visit (good stress, but still a change in routine), and I have the two upcoming showers to worry about.

My family shower is in Buffalo in July and my mom wants to make sure it's everything that I want it to be so she asks me about every detail. Plus I'm the person she talks to about all that kind of stuff so even if she was planning a shower for someone else, she'd be discussing all the details with me. And I appreciate that she wants it to be perfect, but I have so many decisions to make right now, I would prefer if everything just got done without my input. I'm sure it will be lovely no matter what. The problem is that the restaurant that it was supposed to be at is closing so she's scrambling to find a new venue. So she's stressed and I get it. It'll all work out though...

My other shower is here and we're sort of throwing it ourselves with the help of some dear friends. The reason we decided to go this route is because we really want to have a huge celebration and I can't ask my friends to do everything that we want to do. The shower will be on a Saturday night and it's for couples. Invitations went out this week (THANK YOU Katie!! They're awesome!!) and it turned out that we invited 80 people! I hadn't anticipated that the list would get that long, but it did. And, quite honestly, every person on that list is near and dear to us. I didn't even invite people because I felt obligated (you know how if you invite one person, it means you have to invite a few others from that "crew" of friends?)...everyone has truly been there throughout either our marriage and mostly our IF journey and now it's time to PARTY!!! We've hired bartenders and I'm working on the menu. (I haven't told my dear, dear friends (are you reading this Cher and Emily???) that the list is up to 80 people...they've offered to make the cupcakes and I can't possibly ask them to make 80 so I think we'll do some cupcakes and supplement with another desert...) So my whole point is that how could I have possibly asked friends to do all this stuff for us? When people offer to throw you a shower, they are thinking 20 girls on a Sunday afternoon. We've waited too long for this and it will be a blow out! I'm so excited! (We live in a high rise condo that has a beautiful posh club room where we'll hold the event) I wish everyone reading this could come!!! Wouldn't that be the BEST?!

And now onto me and the baby girl I've got growing in here. Craziness has come over me this past 24 hours...she just doesn't seem as active as usual. I feel her from time to time, but she had had a few days of crazy movement and there's a contrast now. I keep thinking that she must have moved positions and is facing my back which would mean I don't feel her as much. I'm not getting too nervous but if she doesn't start dancing around like usual soon, I might panic.

I've been having contractions on and off. I'll go a couple days without one and then I'll have 3 or 4 the next day. They don't hurt and only last about 10 seconds where I have trouble breathing and just sort try to breath slowly until it's over.

And here's something new. Remember last week when i wrote that I hadn't discovered any stretch marks??? Well....they've arrived. I don't know how it literally happened overnight but it so did. They are purple and plentiful. And I wonder if some had been there all along and I just thought it was marks from my waistband because a lot of them are right there, where you have marks anyway from your pants. And usually I look at night when I'm changing my clothes. Russ says he doesn't remember seeing them at all, so the instant appearance theory seems the most accurate. My bikini days were over anyway, so I'm not too concerned. I just didn't think they'd be so purple! I know they'll change as time goes on.

Viability Achieved

2010-05-13T14:14:00.001-04:00

24w

WARNING: This turned out to be a loooooong post...hopefully worth your time though.

First things first. For those of you who remember, my bloggy friend Jo (at MoJo Working) and I were on the exact same cycle and both were thrilled to get BFPs back in December. We even had the exact same due date! I was so happy to have someone to go through the whole journey with day by day, week by week. Sadly, she lost her pregnancy at 6 weeks. It was a devastating loss for her, but she got right back up on that horse for another cycle that resulted in a BFP!!! Her second beta numbers doubled beautifully and she awaiting her ultrasound in two weeks when she'll get to see that heartbeat. Congratulations Jo!!!

So here I am at 24 weeks which is exciting because it's when baby girl is considered "viable" which means that she has a decent shot of making it outside the womb should I go into preterm labor or if anything else bad were to happen. Not that we want her coming early, but it's comforting to know that should something happen, there's a decent chance (like 50%, a stat that keeps going up and up as the weeks pass) that she'll survive.

I've been looking in the mirror lately and thinking "Man, I look pregnant!" And it honestly surprises me. I can't believe this all happening. It truly feels like a dream - and I don't mean that in a fluffy way. I mean that in a "I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up to my childless reality soon" way. It brings tears to my eyes every time I think of it in a real way.

So anyway, it's occurred to me that I've been sucking at giving the details of this pregnancy. I know I talk about all that crazy stuff in my head, but I need to document my physical changes too. So here's a little update...Thanks for Priscilla and Emily for the template (Amber, do you do this too? I can't remember...)

How far along:
24 weeks (that's about 6 months - people keep asking me to tell them in months because they're math skills are weak I guess...)
Total Weight Gain:
Umm....it would probably be good if I weighed myself. I meant to do it every Thursday but I forget all the time. At last count (2 weeks ago), it was 18 pounds. Seems like a lot to me and I'm sure it's much more by now...Who's surprised? The weird thing is (at least my mom thinks it's weird) the doctor has not once mentioned my weight or weight gain in general or said one thing about anything having to do with weight. Is that strange? I came into this already overweight (I mean not crazy big, but I had a goooood 30-40 pounds to lose...that might be a lie but I don't feel like doing the math...suffice it to say that I can tell you how many weight watcher points are in almost anything) so you'd think they'd tell me to not gain too much. Huh.
Symptoms:
Swelling of my feet!! Oh my. Over the weekend, I got them back to normal and then they were OK Monday and Tuesday but by yesterday my feet blew up again. I'm trying to keep them elevated (OK, I just lied. I'm not trying at all really) and avoiding salty food helps, but I think it's just sitting at my desk and not having those feet up that's doing it.

Also, I am definitely having contractions. And naturally I'm obsessing about them. They seem to come in the evening, but aren't too frequent and definitely don't hurt or anything. It just feel like I'm blowing up for a few seconds (maybe 10-20 seconds) and then it's done. They say it's normal and I'm trying (really I am) to not obsess with worry too much.
And the kicking! Girlfriend is all over the place! The week started out a little less active (and, yes, I worried) but not she's back in full force!

Stretch Marks:
I honestly haven't seen any, but I haven't inspected closely either. I already had belly issue, so I guess I'm not that concerned.
Sleep:
I'm up every 60-90 minutes...maybe once per night I can go 2 hours without a bathroom break. Some nights, when I get up near 3 am, I can't get back to sleep and banish myself to the couch. Last night this happened at 4 am. But I go to the couch and manage to fall asleep for a little bit. I wish I were sleeping more soundly but it just ain't happening...
Best Moment Last Week:
This one is really, really hard! It would have to be getting our chair, while not in the nursery yet (because we still need to clean it out and paint), I'm loving that I can sit there and imagine nursing baby girl Sofia on it. We opted to not get a glider. It's a chair and a half with a huge ottoman to match. Russ wanted to be able to sit on it with us and bond. Oh, that might be the other best moment. Last night Russ was excited when I told him I might teach parenting classes in October while on maternity leave. It would be one night per week and will be a good way to make some bucks to help get me some more leave time. (I usually teach parenting classes all year long) So when I asked him about it, he said "Do it! Then I get to have her to myself for a whole night and we can bond!" So cute. He's worried he won't bond because he won't be feeding her for a while.
Movement:
See above. Also, I notice she's super active at night - and like all night long! It doesn't wake me, but it could keep me up when I get up for bathroom visits. I just sit there and feel here and don't go to sleep.
Food Cravings:
Nothing in particular...though I could have chana and naan at the kabob place every single day.
What I Miss:
Cuddling in bed. I have that huge pillow (not a pregnancy pillow but just a king size regular pillow as a barrier between us and I feel like we may as well be in separate beds. Also, Diet Mountain Dew!!! Oh how I miss you! (technically I can have it, but am choosing not to)
What am I looking forward to:
Anatomy Scan part 2 tomorrow. I love that we get to sneak another peak!! Also, invitations for my shower are going out soon and that's just thrilling.
Milestones:
24 weeks!!! Viability!

How is Daddy?
He's fabulous, of course. Yes, he was upset with me earlier this week when I caused myself to bleed, panicked, and then figured out it was nothing. This might be TMI, so do not continue reading if you don't want to hear about adventures in coochyland.

Alright, so you know how I worry? A lot? Well, I was thinking (once again) that I might be leaking. And they told me once that I should check my discharge to see if it is milky (good) or watery (bad). How do you suggest I do that? I can't think of any other way than sticking a digit or two up there and inspecting. I have a panty liner on so I can't check what's left on it since it's white. So when I feel worried about the discharge consistency, that is what I do. (and I'll have you know that the frequency of me doing this has decreased SIGNIFICANTLY over the past several weeks...this was just a bad day)

OK, so I do my check and see that it is indeed a normal, milky creamy consistency - yay! But while I'm collecting, I kinda...um...scratched myself in there...ouch. Didn't think much of it until about 10 minutes later when I wiped (cause crazy me was BACK in the bathroom AGAIN) and saw a little speck of blood. Panic lasted for only about 3 seconds before I determined that the blood was so red and so small, it definitely looked like a surface cut or something. Hmm...what could it be? Oh yeah, I just scratched the inside of my vagina. That's right. I made it bleed. Still I wanted verification that I wasn't bleeding from my uterus so I called Russ so that he could come home and visually inspect the blood source (he's a trooper, that boy).

By the time he called me back, the bleeding stopped and I told him the story and he decided to come home anyway (even though I told him it was all fine now). So he comes home and I tell him there is no reason for him to look up in the cooch for any reason. Well...he was mad. For a couple reasons. The first was that I had caused him to be scared even if it was for just a second before I explained that it was all better. Second (and more strongly), he was mad that I caused any amount of worry for either of us. He kept saying "Did the doctor tell you to stick your finger up there? Are you supposed to be doing that?" I equate "check your discharge" with "stick your finger up your cooch" so I say yes.

Anyway, that boy sat in the bedroom for 40 minutes. Just sitting. No TV. No phone. Finally I had to explain that I realize I am crazy but that he needs to understand how scared I am. He was kind and said he did understand but that it's frustrating because there are so many things nature can cause, he doesn't like me making my own problems. And then everything was better. Yesterday, though? When I called him to let him know I was on my way home and would see him later that evening? He responded with a sweet "Keep your fingers out of your vagina please". That's love.

Happy Mama's Day

2010-05-09T16:29:00.000-04:00

23w3d

So it's Mother's Day. It's a day that I'm usually a little sad about, not because I'm not a mom yet but because for the past 11 years I've been so far, far away from my own mom. The day almost always starts out the same. I call my mom around 9 or 9:30 and she opens her card and gifts that I've sent her while we're on the phone. She always cries (just like on her birthday and sometimes my birthday) and talks about how lucky she is to have a daughter like me.

Today was almost no different. The card brought the expected tears. The gifts were opened and appreciated. There was, however, talk about how this time next year she'd be getting a grandma card from baby girl Sofia (which brought about more tears - the bittersweet kind where if you're my mom's daughter you try to elicit a few times a year). Then there was talk about how hard it will be being 8 hours away from each other once Sofia is here. And it will be so very, very hard.

When I first moved away in July 1999, I spent the first few years crying every time we visited and left. Who am I kidding? That first year or two? I cried many times per week! It was hard to be away. And yet I know we made the right choice. (It's snowing today in Buffalo. My reason for moving was not the weather, but today it solidifies my decision.) How on earth am I going to leave now, knowing that my mom won't get to see that precious little face for months at a time? Makes me wonder if we shouldn't go back...and yet I know I don't really want to. Life is full of hard choices.

Happy Mother's Day to everyone reading this that is either a mom, soon-to-be mom, mom of the future, and furbaby mommies (that's really all of you, yes?). Enjoy the day!

Badge of Honor

2010-05-04T11:45:00.001-04:00

22w5d

Had a four week check up today and all is great! Her HB was 160 and my OB (finally saw my actual OB who was so thrilled to see us since she hadn't seen us since waaay before we starting our treatments) asked about any contractions I might be feeling. I told her about the pressure I've been getting periodically over the past couple weeks and she said it could be a contraction or just movement, but assuming it's a contraction, it's perfectly normal to have a few a day. Four in an hour? Give them a call. I left feeling so happy! Next Friday is anatomy scan part 2 and then in 4 weeks back to the OB for my glucose test.

OK, so I've gotten into a habit. I don't know if it's a bad habit, but I've been consistently doing it for the past...um...17 weeks? =)

When new people find out I'm pregnant and congratulate me, I can't leave it at that. I mean if they say a simple "Congratualtions" and that's it, then I let it go. But usually they don't stop there. They follow up with "How are you feeling?" "You must be so excited!" and "Is this your first?" Once the follow up questions come, I can't act natural. You know, like a regular PG lady. No, I have to tell them my life story.

Not that I go into great detail, but part of me has the need (compulsion?) to let these people know that I'm not ordinary PG chick. I'm special. =) This didn't come easy for me. You think that I could just go out there and get pregnant? Wrong. You think I just got "knocked up" whenever I felt like it? So wrong. So what do I do? I overshare.

Stranger/acquaintance: Congratulations! How far along are you?

IF Me: Thanks! I'm 22 weeks already!
(I almost always add an "already" as if they have any clue about when this all happened and depending on their facial expression, I might even add a "time is going by so fast!")

Stranger: That's great. Are you feeling alright?

IF Me: So far so good...I mean at first I was nervous all the time, worrying about every little thing (like I'm SO past that now, right? Not) but now everything is pretty calm...
(at this point I might continue with the verbal diahrea or maybe allow them to get another question in)

Stranger: You must be so excited.

And here we go....

IF Me: Yep, it was a long road....

And off I go into telling them that I have FIVE - did they hear me because I said FIVE IVF cycles. And that we never thought we'd get pregnant and that they said there was like a 0-3% chance of it working the 5th time but we did it! (sometimes it's not that bad and I just tell them "5 IVFs to get here, so we're really excited...")

So why do I do this? For one thing, I have no shame or embarassment about the whole IF thing. I'm an open book and will describe the most personal of details to not only you, my dear bloggy friends, but also to anyone who is willing to listen. I think it's because I want them to know that this baby? Oh, she's special. You have a baby? Ok, but did you work for her? Exactly how much did you want her? Were you trying to have her? Because me? I paid the dues to get here.

I'm not sure I like the side of my personality that this showcases, but I think it's just that I want to wear my IF struggle as a badge of honor or something. I still feel like an imposter in the PG world, like I wasn't invited and crashed the party. So now that I'm here, please know my story and understand that I have the right to be here just like anyone else.

Perhaps now that I've recognized and released this habit, I can move past it and stop annoying people. Sure hope so.

A new church

2010-05-02T17:59:00.000-04:00

22w3d

Please read the following with the understanding that I fully respect others' spiritual views, even those radically different from my own. While I won't go into great detail, just know that my religious upbringing was unfulfilling to say the least. I highly respect (and am even envious) of those who figured it out early on and continue to hold true to their beliefs. It just wasn't that easy for me.

I was raised Catholic, but didn't go to mass regularly. I attended CCD (like Sunday school but not on Sunday, it was basically there to teach the sacraments and lead you through them). I made my first communion and continued with weekly classes until I made my confirmation (incidentally, in the middle of ceremony my sponsor and cousin Joey had to tell me that I had a huge hickey on the back of my neck, it was 10th grade and my boyfriend was sponsoring his brother who was my age and also confirming that day a few pews behind me...just shows you how seriously (not) I took the whole thing). I remember feeling relieved that I didn't have to do any church-stuff again until the next wedding or funeral came up. Done and done.

When it came time to get married, we decided to have the ceremony at the reception site and a Methodist minister conducted the ceremony. Nothing too religious. Sadly, nothing too spiritual. I just wasn't there yet.

Going through this IF journey, I've found great comfort in exploring other alternatives to not only Catholicism, but Christianity as a whole. I was looking for answers and hoped religion would have them. I've explored Buddhism and even the Baha'i faith, among others. I've learned to meditate and read authors who focus on the commonalities of world religions, as opposed to what divides them. I thought that there would never be an organized religion that met my needs and I considered returning to my roots, settling for "closing my ears" when the priest discussed agenda items that I can't subscribe to. I didn't have to do that though.

I'm full of joy as I tell you of my new church! My "new" church sounds funny because it implies that I had an old one. We've been going to a Unitarian Universalist church for the past few weeks. It's everything I've always wished church would be. They are "intentionally inclusive and diverse" and welcome those from all other religions, races, and sexual orientation. While they don't follow any particular text (Bible, Torah, ect), they base their beliefs on recognizing the inherent worth and dignity of all people. It's a warm, welcoming place where you leave feeling inspired to go out and make a difference in the world. We sing and pray and meditate. I've lit a candle during the candle lighting portion every week for our baby girl Sofia. Last week I was so moved by the meditation, I wept unashamed afterward. I am full of peace and contentment as I think about our growing family finding a home there.

Crazies are back

2010-04-30T07:24:00.000-04:00

22w1d

And you thought all that crazy talk was in the past? Yes, I have been feeling much more positive and rational since baby girl has been kicking me, but now what am I obsessing over? The frequency and quality of her kicks of course. I swear this is what happens when I haven't seen or heard her at the OB for a couple weeks. Even though she lets me know she's literally alive and kicking all day, I always think the worst when I've been without a doctor check for a couple weeks. I know she's fine - I can freaking feel her!! But I had started feeling some huge kicks earlier in the week and not so much now. So I envision that she's become weak and unhealthy. (go on, roll your eyes...I understand)

I KNOW THAT THIS IS CRAZY TALK.
(as I write this by the way, she is kicking like crazy as if to say "Aw, mom, just shut up and enjoy me please!")

It's just that since we found out it's our little girl, this whole thing has moved onto a whole new level. You know that I had a hard time accepting that this is really happening and spent a good amount of time waiting for bad news to come. Well ever since we found out it's baby Sofia, it's like a switch has been turned on. I'm connected and talk to her and we refer to the guest room as "Sofia's room" and I've started buy clothes and her nursery is all picked out and it's like she's already here. Because she is already here, right here in my belly.

My point? If we lost her now, it would be an inconceivable devastation. Not just because she was pretty much our last shot at a baby, but because we wouldn't have just lost a baby, we would have lost our little Sofia.

OK - ENOUGH OF THAT.
Thanks for letting me get it out. (And yes, I wonder about how I'll deal with things when she's here and not physically attached to me 24 hours a day. I worry now? Just wait til that day I drop her off at day care. Oh my word.)

I'm Aware

2010-04-27T20:24:00.000-04:00

21w5d

So this is National Infertility Awareness Week. Well, I'm fully aware that I'm infertile. Oh! It's for others? To help them understand the issue better? Got it.

Here's the thing. I know I'm supposed to say something about how people who haven't been through this can't possibly understand and need to become enlightened so that they don't say dumb stuff to people like me going through all the stuff we went through. I know I'm supposed to complain about things like strangers who say ignorant things, insurance companies who don't cover treatment, and the hate I should feel toward naturally conceiving women.

The problem is that I can't seem to fit into that mold and neither has my experience. Some of my infertile friends said some of the most painful things to me while some of my single, not-even-close-to-starting-a-family friends were the most supportive. I never, not once, felt anger toward a friend, colleague, or stranger who became pregnant. Why begrudge them their joy? Even when I worked with students who feared they'd become pregnant and contemplated possible abortions, I never projected anger towards them. They are who they are. I am who I am. I never asked "Why us?" and I never said that it wasn't "fair".

I felt it was a shame. I felt that it was a waste of a couple of fabulous parents. I felt sad. I felt broken. But I was thankful every day that the phone call we received from the doctor's office wasn't a different kind of bad news that can't be comforted by lunch at Cheesecake Factory. I was thankful for having the best husband ever and knew (know) that no matter what happens, we'll be OK.

I get why many (seems to be most) women working through infertility feel the way they feel. I don't sit in judgment of them. I'm just saying there are no general statements that can be made. I really do feel that what is meant to be will be. I really do feel that all my IF sisters will be wonderful moms one day - one way or another. And (gasp!) I really do think that the minute I stopped obsessing over getting pregnant, I finally got that BFP (I admit, that one is hard to swallow as people saying "Just relax and don't think about it" really did bother me) - if you recall they said there was no way IVF #5 was going to work and we did it just because insurance covered it, never thinking it would work.

My point? None of us feel the same way about this journey. We can't be generalized into a Top Ten Things to Never Say to An Infertile Woman. We're all different and we all deal with this differently. Bottom line? Support us please. Just know that it sucks and be our supportive friend.

Thanks.

Registry Confusion

2010-04-22T10:30:00.000-04:00

21w

First of, woo hoo! I'm 21 weeks! I love Thursdays because I flip over into a new week and my Baby Center weekly update comes and I feel like I've climbed another hurdle.

Now, as you read this, please understand that I am not complaining. I am embracing every last minute of this process, but my goodness, figuring out what to put on this gift registry is exhausting! The internet is a beautiful thing, full of reviews of everything you can imagine. But can I really research EVERYTHING? I feel lost. And people keep asking me if I'm done yet! I'm so very grateful that they want to get shopping, but I am feeling some pressure.

For the nursery, I've decided to allow Pottery Barn Kids to just throw up all over the room. I thought I wanted simple and modern? Um, no. This is a girly-girl room full of flowers and bunnies and I'm loving every second of it! Pink, yellow, and green - here we come! That part was fun.

It's the little things. Which thermometer is best? I don't know. Breast milk storage system? I don't know. Swing? Bouncer? Jumper? I don't know. My friends all have differing views, but the one constant is that they say you just don't know until your baby tries things and decides if she likes it. Ok....so what do I do?

I live in a 2-bedroom high rise condo in Arlington, VA. Space is an issue. I refuse to have huge, brightly colored plastic ugliness taking up space if it isn't soemthing that she will use and enjoy. But it sounds like you just don't know, so we'll just try our best. I know we'll make mistakes and have to run out and get other things, but that'll be OK. It's all for her and she's worth it.

And we're having...

2010-04-16T18:06:00.000-04:00

20w1d

...a GIRL!!!

And her name is Sofia.
(I was hesitant to put that in print in case we change our minds, but we've been pretty solid on it for a while...as in it's been on my vision board for a year and a half and we've told me mom already)

We are thrilled. My mom screamed and cried. There hasn't been a baby girl in our family since ME! Needless to say people, are excited to shop for girly stuff.

Everything looked great. She measured perfectly on everything they measured. She weighs 13 ounces. She was lying on her belly so they had a hard time getting all of the details of her heart. They saw 4 chambers and blood flowing through, but they there were some things they couldn't see, so I get to go back in a month for another u/s! I'm happy about that! My cervix looks great and my amniotic fluid is good, two things I was worried about.

First the sonographer did her thing and took all the measurements and then the doctor came in, spoke with us, and then took another look. He was pressing so hard, it was really painful! Take it easy, doc!

She was very active and waved to us. We got to see her little feet and her little butt is precious! She kept changing positions and the sonographer said "Whoa, she's a bossy one!" Gee, we don't know anyone else with that quality, do we? Uh oh.

So now the planning really begins. I thought I'd want to run out right away and register and shop, but really I just want to sit here and take it all in. I have our baby girl healthy and happy in my tummy and there's nothing better than that.

Half-way there!

2010-04-15T13:21:00.000-04:00

20w

Just needed to share how crazy excited I am to have reached 20 weeks!!!

Tomorrow afternoon we have our anatomy scan and I will let you all know as soon as possible what the gender verdict is. And this weekend? Let the nursery planning officially begin!

I realize that I'm not blogging enough about my symptoms and how I'm physically feeling. I'm going to try and focus on that stuff more because one of my goals of this blog is to document this pregnancy every step of the way.

I can't believe I'm already half-way through this process. I'm so grateful for everything...like that little kick I just felt. Ahhh...

Random thoughts...

2010-04-11T08:00:00.000-04:00

19w3d

How did I ever go to Target before we were blessed with this pregnancy? I remember feeling like it was a nightmare, but man, it had to be hard! There are NOTHING BUT PREGNANT LADIES THERE! And I find myself feeling somewhat inferior. Maybe because I'm not showing like I want to or maybe because there's a carefree attitude that they have that tells me they are clueless about the IF struggle. Whatever it is, I feel intimidated by them - and there's an army of them there! I'm not going to say that they're arrogant, but it is the vibe I'm projecting onto them. That's my issue, though, I'm sure. My advice to my IF sisters out there still in the midst of the journey, STAY AWAY FROM TARGET.

I'm not eating as healthy as I should. I'm not eating a ton of food (so not going crazy with the "eating for 2" myth) and in fact aren't even that hungry...but when I do eat, I know I should be making better choices. Like, ummmm, vegetables maybe? I suck. And I'm so surprised that I'm not doing better...I would have thought I'd kick ass in the eating well for the baby part of this. What a fantasy that was.

Lastly, I'm thinking about going with natural childbirth. I'm somewhat a control freak (still - IF taught me a lot about my control issues, but they are still back there) and the idea of not being able to feel anything below my waist makes me feel very anxious. I can handle pain (I think)...but of course I'm scared that it'll be the worst experience ever. But how bad can it be when you get to meet the baby at the end of it? I'm just not sure...

Check Up

2010-04-05T18:35:00.000-04:00

18w4d

Started the day at the endocrinologist where I learned that my thyroid is under control thanks to the synthroid I've been taking over the past month. Yay. I have to go back monthly to check, but she thinks I'll be just fine and if I want to experiment with coming off of the drugs after delivery we can talk about it. She still thinks this is a coincidence and has nothing to do with the pregnancy. I find this hard to believe, but am not going to argue about it now. (Seriously though, I've had my thyroid checked a zillion times and it's always been normal...seems awful strange that it suddenly turns up wacky now)

Then we were off to the OB (same building, down one floor) where Russ met me for our 4 week check up. For the first time i wasn't even nervous about them finding a heartbeat because little baby has been letting me know that he/she is in there and active (still only the one true kick, but lots of movement throughout the day). HB was 150 and she said it was great. She also said that my the top of my uterus is now at my belly button, so I think that means my belly button should start moving out to reach the rest of my belly soon and I might start looking like a regular pregnant girl.

I specifically asked for an internal exam...She went in and said my cervix was perfectly normal and that everything looked good. She tested my discharge to confirm that it is not amniotic fluid. =) She did say that if I notice I'm "leaking a watery substance" I should call. Umm....yeah, that's why I was nervous last week because I thought I was leaking a watery substance. I kept asking her how much I should be nervous about and she said "Don't worry unless you're leaking". Yes, but please define leaking in terms of ounces or something because I'll come in there with one little tiny spot that probably got there after I coughed and peed a little... The message was clear, though, that I shouldn't worry about leaking but that I can come in any time to get it checked so I guess that should help me for my next round of craziness. Luckily I have the anatomy scan next Friday and then my 4 week check up in another 4 weeks so I won't really go more than 2 weeks without getting checked in.

They had me make my appointments through mid-June! Starting in 8 weeks (so I'll be 26 weeks along) I'll start going every 2 weeks! That seems early, but I don't mind at all.

I am feeling full of joy. I'm almost out of the denial that this is really happening and I am loving the world that I am entering. In this world, I am a normal woman expecting a child and all the other stuff is insignificant. In this world, I barely remember what the anxiety of those trigger shots felt like and the nausea after the egg retrieval is a vague memory. In this world, I can allow myself to envision Russ and I wheeling our baby in his/her stroller on a beautiful spring day. In this world, we're a happy little family who had to travel an inconvenient road in order to get here. In this world, I am almost comfortable revealing these thoughts, but there is still some anxiety in the back of my mind full of "what ifs"...but I'm almost there. Almost.

Last Hoorah Weekend

2010-04-04T18:25:00.000-04:00

18w3d

So I get home from grocery shopping Friday and Russ tells me to pack a bag, we're going to Atlantic City. He figured it may be the last time we go for a loooong time. He had just booked two nights at Showboat and we were off!

Even though I tried to steer clear of the smoking tables (there are plenty of non-smoking sections), I still felt guilty for walking through areas where people were smoking. I felt like I was being irresponsible...It really wasn't bad though.

Last night, we went to Carmine's Restaurant which a classic NYC place, but there's one in the Tropicana in AC. The best meal ever!!! Mmmm.... And when we sat down, Russ said that the reason he wanted to take me away is because we never took the time to celebrate the baby and that when he looks back at it all, he realizes that I made the whole process easy for him and he wanted to thank me. And he said he could never have gone through what we did with anyone else. And that if anything were to go wrong, he knows that we'd be OK because we have each other. Aw...I cried.

And last night, I think I felt a true blue KICK! It wasn't any of this flutter stuff...it was a thud coming from the inside. Perhaps an elbow or foot? For the first time, I made a real connection to the fact that there is a living, growing person in me. Whoa.

Tomorrow I have a 4 week check up...no u/s (that's 4/16), but I'll get checked out. I'm feeling very positive and happy...Yay.

Then it's back to work. Boo! =)

Catching Up...

2010-04-02T06:20:00.000-04:00

18w1d

Where have I been????

I know....sorry.

It's spring break, so I was up in Buffalo with the family. We got back Wednesday and are enjoying the best weather ever!!

Maybe you thought I was too busy setting up the nursery or something? NOT. My fabulous bloggy friend Cilla has theirs completely done and let me tell you it is a masterpiece (check it out here ). Girlfriend is only 3 weeks ahead of me, but is light-years ahead in the whole nursery thing. I feel inspired! And am still waiting 2 more weeks until our anatomy scan to see what we got cooking before real nursery decisions are made...

Went to the liver specialist yesterday who kindly told me that "I don't need him" because there's nothing seriously wrong and, more importantly, nothing that will impact the pregnancy. He said I could have always had high liver enzymes and that it could be explained by the small amount of fat (read FRENCH FRIES) around my liver. He ordered more tests just to be safe but said I don't need him again until after delivery.

At the lab, they took 16 vials of blood from me!!! And my flow was just fine, thank you very much.

It was fun to go baby shopping with my mom when I was home, but man! It is stressful. (Russ HATES when I use the word stress in relation to baby shopping...he feels with all we've been through, nothing that takes place in a store could cause stress...I get his point and want to clarify that it is "relatively" stressful - relative to NOT having to make 100 decisions regarding safety, colors, size, and design.) There is just so much to think about. And I have my baby book with all the safety ratings and info about what's good and what's terrible (Baby Bargains 2010 - thanks for the tip Bridg!), but then I find things I like that are poorly rated and I want to throw something across the store. We'll get there...

In baby bump news, I'm growing. I apologize for not being able (by "able", I mean that I'm refusing) to post pics...it's really nothing to look at. Still looks like my pre-PG belly but bigger and basically I look like I'm fat, but not PG at all, though it's coming, I believe. Frankly I think you'd be fascinated by the whole thing. I remember being little and the doctor examining my abdomen and commenting on it's unusual shape. My lower belly (below my belly button) has grown but has always been fat even when I was super skinny...then there's the upper belly (above my belly button) that has started to grow more...It has looked like a typical "spare tire" over the past few years but is now just big and fat. The deformity comes in when you visualize a beach ball wearing a belt. Where my belly button is goes way in - and not just the button but the whole waistline area. It literally looks like it's cinched. It's moving out little by little but everything else is moving out too so it still doesn't look normal. So no pics. Sorry.

I am pretty sure I'm feeling him/her but I request that the baby become more vigorous so that I can be sure.

TMI alert: Read on only if you are curious about my personal bodily functions.

OK, so there's some "wetness" that is concerning me. I've read that there should be an increase in discharge, but you know me - I can't think anything is normal, right? The thing is, I don't consider what's happening as discharge. It's more just wet all the time. And what does Tracey think it is? You got it! Amniotic fluid! I realize that by now, if it was amniotic fluid, things would have gone really badly but I can't help but wonder. I know - call my doctor. I have regular appt Monday so I'm just waiting. It's not that bad, but I am insisting on an internal to make sure everything is high and tight up there.

Leakage

2010-03-24T19:58:00.000-04:00

16w6d

So yesterday when I woke up I was feeling congested...I think it's allergies and since I can't take anything for it (or at least I'm choosing not to), I've been using my Neti Pot. That's that genie lantern-like thing that Dr. Oz introduced us to on Oprah years back. It's a simple process of draining the nasal cavity by running warm, saline water through one nostril and out the other. For beginners, it can feel a bit like drowning, but once you get used to it, it's amazing and really cleans everything out. My ears often pop and I'm left feeling great.

So I used my neti pot...ran the water through...and before I knew it, I looked down...

And there was a murder scene in my sink.

Blood clots (or maybe bloody snot) and watery blood pouring from my nose.

Alarming?

Only for a moment. For I am well read where pregnancy symptoms are concerned and I know that bloody noses are very common at this time.

But I really didn't think that it would happen like that! It was a mess, but as soon as I was done blowing it all out (after draining each nostril, you blow your nose and the heavens open up), the blood stopped. Thank goodness.

And just now?

I sneezed.

And a little pee came out.

I'm officially falling apart.

And I'm loving every second of it.

A decrease in the crazies

2010-03-22T07:14:00.000-04:00

16w4d

OK, so it's been almost 2 weeks since my last HB monitor and I have 2 more weeks to go.

And I am surviving.

Funny how a growing belly will help convince you that there may actually be a person living and growing inside of you.

It's sinking in that this is really happening. My mom cried on the phone the other day when I reminded her I was 16 weeks, not 14 like she thought. She said "You're pregnant!" as if it was the first time she heard. I couldn't help but laugh - it's how we're all feeling.

I was comforted to learn from my Baby Center weekly newsletter that at 16 weeks I'm on the cusp of a major growth spurt. That will be reassuring to experience.

Am I still going crazy over-analyzing every little twinge that I feel? Yep. Inspecting the toilet paper? Yep. Thinking that there's no way the baby could be in there anymore? Uh huh. But it's getting better.

I'm hoping that as I become more secure with this pregnancy, I may even become available to others in my life. For the past few months, I've been what I call "distracted". Some might call it self-centered. Basically all I can think about is baby stuff - both happy and scary. I'm sure friends have noticed that I'm either talking baby or saying nothing at all. Now in a crisis situation, I think I'm still all there, but the day to day stuff...I'm in my own little baby world...

Too many pokes

2010-03-18T08:16:00.000-04:00

16w

Who here has had more blood draws than me?

It's not really a contest, but I'm just trying to illustrate the fact that I've had a crap-load of blood draws over the past couple years. Let's see, there was the initial IF screening where they took no less than 16 viles of blood, my surgery, my 5 IVFs, my chemical pregnancy, a real pregnancy, and now crazy complications requiring more blood. All I'm saying is that it's been many, many blood draws.

So then why did it take the girl 3 different tries to get a drop from me yesterday???

She was a lovely girl, very kind smile. She shared that she was about to start her 7th IVF, so we bonded instantly. Too bad she couldn't find my veins with a map. First a poke in my right arm and then all that lovely digging - you know how the needle is in there and then they dig around beneath the skin trying to find the vein? No luck. Let's try the other arm. Same thing. Great. She claimed that she was in the vein but no blood was coming out. Really? Cause I thought I could feel my heart beating and I'm pretty sure I was alive at the time. It's scary that no blood was coming out of me. Finally she drew from my hand where I have super mama veins sticking out - my 4 year old nephew could have gotten the job done. It didn't really hurt and I enjoyed talking with the girl. I just don't get how after the zillion successful blood draws I've had, why she would struggle so much with it. My theory is she was far too gentle. The tourniquet wasn't even tight at all and isn't that what forces the blood out? Who knows.... Incidentally the blood was for the 2nd part of the NT screening, full results in a week.

I went to my first prenatal yoga class yesterday. I was excited to find a place close by and Russ and I even planned out that in the future he and I would walk up there together and then he could run while I'm in class. The allow you to attend the first class free before committing to buy anything. Thank goodness.

Perhaps I'm naive, but that lady worked our asses out! I'm sore today and can barely go and down stairs. It was by far the most active I've been since before embryo transfer. I know that real yoga can be tough. In the past I've done Dahn yoga which is all about stretching and breathing and brain wave vibration. There's a huge meditative piece to it and you leave feeling renewed.

I left yesterday feeling nauseous. Why? Because downward facing dog and I are not friends. And we must have spent a good 40% of the class in the position. Being upside down does one thing: makes me dizzy. Dizziness turns rapidly into nausea. It took almost an hour of me sitting perfectly still to make it go away...I was miserable.

And so I'm disappointed. I really wanted to love it. Maybe I'll try another place.

Pee, pee, and more pee

2010-03-16T06:56:00.000-04:00

15w5d

So I got up to pee last night. Every. Two. Hours.

I didn't think I had that much to drink before bed.

Want to know one of my insane theories?

The amniotic sac burst inside my body which then absorbed the liquid and excreted it all throughout the night, leading to frequent bathroom visits.

I'm not saying that this is the theory I'm going with. I'm just saying it crossed my mind as a possibility.

I luckily was able to easily fall back to sleep after each visit. And now that I think about it, I think they were even more frequent than every 2 hours, but that's average. I understand that this could get worse. I'm up for it. Whatever it takes.

Incidentally I dreamed (why am I wanting to use the "word" dreampt here? That's not even a word, right? And yet, when speaking, I'm sure I use it often) all about our IVF journey all night long. Gave me a lot to reflect on. Main message? It's all worth it. At least I pray so.

To doppler or not to doppler

2010-03-15T07:10:00.000-04:00

15w4d

So this will be the longest that I've gone without an ultrasound or at least a heartbeat doppler reading at my OB's office. The last one we had was last Tuesday (3/9) and we don't go again until April 5. That's forever from now. So, the big question is, do I get a home doppler heartbeat monitor? While the answer may be an obvious yes, I keep reminding myself that even the doctor has had a tough time finding the HB with their machine and if I can't find it at home, I will flip out and assume the baby is gone. (I'm so extreme, I know) Russ says no way. But the next 3 weeks will be sooo very long without some acknowledgement that he/she is there. Good thing is that I THINK (maybe) that I'm starting to feel some flutters and that should only increase so there are other things to let me know that all is well. I'm just not sure what to do and if I do decide to get one, what do I get?? There are some great ones (at least they seem great) that you can rent for like $40 and then send back to the company. I feel like these ones are better and more expensive (which is why you rent them). Or we can buy one, but I worry that they won't be as reliable.

Help please =)

distracted

2010-03-12T13:39:00.000-05:00

15 w1d

I'm having a terrible time concentrating on work. (I'm here now - shhhhh!)

All I can think about is the many, many decisions we have before us. There is time left, but not a lot. Before we know it, that baby will here. I'm consumed with checking out cribs and day care providers. I just want things done so I can relax and not worry. I told Russ I was worried about finding furniture and he was so offended (sort of). He couldn't believe that with everything we've been through, I'm allowing myself to let furniture bring me anxiety. I know - but the crazy had to go some place, right?

OK, so my belly is deformed. I have always had a pouchy lower belly - right under my belly button. I've had this since birth practically and have proof in the form of a picture of me at 3 years old in a bikini where you can count my ribs but can clearly see my little belly under my belly button. Since then, my little belly has become larger...which is why I have been known to say that I've looked pregnant for years. The weird thing is that when I gain weight, I gain some under my belly button and some above it, but my "waist" (I'm considering that the place where my belly button resides) stays the same. So now that I'm gaining baby belly weight, it's coming on in a way that I was afraid of. Over and under but my belly button still goes in. So I look like a round pillow where someone has sewn a button in the middle really tightly. I sort of look like a donut - the kind where the hole isn't distinct because it's a nice, fat donut. Anyway, I guess what I'm saying is that I just look fat. And I need my belly button to push out so that I look pregnant. And, no, I am NOT posting pictures of this! =)

More doctors...

2010-03-09T18:59:00.000-05:00

14w4d

Back to the doctor AGAIN today...

Good thing is I have no crazy diseases that could explain my liver issues (Epstein Barr is pending but unlikely based on my symptoms). Also, my liver levels were about 30% lower on Friday than they had been on Wednesday. Sort of bad news is they have no clue why...Yes, my liver has a little bit of fat on it, but nothing to worry about and nothing to explain the levels being so high. They're sending me to a specialist (ANOTHER doctor!) just to make sure they aren't missing something and to monitor me throughout so that if it gets worse, they can jump on it right away.

The baby's heartbeat is still going strong and I'm finally feeling relaxed about the fact they'll be able to find it each time we're there (this confidence comes from the fact that we just heard and saw the baby on Friday I'm sure, but it's a start). Great news is that the initial findings of the NT screening are in and excellent. Based on my age alone, the chances of us having a baby with down syndrome is 1 in 140. The screening brings that number to 1 in 2700. The other chromosomal issue went from 1 in 150 to 1 in 10,000. I go for another blood test next week and they'll put the data together to make a final number but it looks great so far so we're relived about that. With the next test, they can say that it's about 90-95% accurate, so there's still a chance that there could be a problem, but not enough that I think it's worth doing amniocentesis.

So we left the doctor's office full of joy...the sun was shining, it was warm and we took the top off the jeep and went for lunch. We discussed lots of practical things at lunch - mostly day care ( a topic that makes me more anxious than anything else, including childbirth). There is NO WAY we can afford for me stay home. And I mean it. People keep saying "Oh, just you wait til you have that baby in your arms, you'll change your mind..." It's not a matter of changing my mind. I will not choose to be homeless and that's what we'd be if I stopped working. That is the one thing that sometimes I don't think people get. They think that if we sacrifice, we could do it. NO. We really couldn't. Or they think that with the cost of day care, it'll balance out. Um...no. Even with daycare, I'll still bring home over $50,000 that we NEED to LIVE and EAT. Anyway, we know we'll figure it out, but it's scary thinking that we'll be paying a stranger a lot of money to take care of this baby we've been waiting so long for. I don't like the idea, but we don't have a choice. Could we move back home to Buffalo where housing is 1/3 of what it is here? Yes...it's an option. But there are NO JOBS there, so we would likely be in the same boat.

Then we went grocery shopping and I, of course, have to pee the minute we walk into the store. Didn't I pee at the restaurant you might ask? Yes, I did. And, yes, it was literally 7 minutes earlier. Welcome to my world. (Those of you who know me in real life know that this isn't so unlike non-pregnant me)

So I come back from peeing and Russ is talking to this lady who is pushing the stroller we want - the Baby Jogger City Mini. He is enthralled in conversation with her about all aspects of the stroller. This is a quality in him that I LOVE. He is genuinely interested in this purchase and knows all of the questions to ask. I started to ask questions (Is the handle high enough? Did you get the car seat attachment? Did you use it when the baby was an infant?) He had already asked ALL of our questions!! He knew the questions to ask and had it all covered. Have I mentioned that I LOVE HIM? Then, we're checking out and he thinks of another question, so he leaves me in line and stalks her until he finds her again to ask. He is very into the whole shopping aspect of this baby thing and I am not complaining at all. He rocks.

I need to tell you about my maternity jeans issues, but I'm too sleepy. Basically Old Navy rocks and allowed me to return jeans that I had worn because they stretched out so much, they practically fell off. So I get the smaller size and now I feel like a sausage in them. I guess I'm in between sizes which sucks...But at least they'll take stuff back. Motherhood is final sale, exchange within 10 days only. Got some great pants there though... More on shopping another time...so...sleepy...

Liver update (or not)

2010-03-06T11:03:00.000-05:00

14w2d

Long story short: They have no clue what's wrong with me, but the baby is great. Read on for the details.

What a long day yesterday was!! We go to the doctor and wait 2 hours to be seen! Ok, so I understand that I was an "emergency visit" (their words, not mine) so they had to squeeze me in, but man it took forever!

Basically I am showing no signs or symptoms of anything serious. The doctor isn't so much worried about my liver...he's more perplexed. He kept asking if I'd been to a third world country recently. That tends to be a question one only needs to be asked once. I mean you would remember if you'd been in a foreign country recently, right? But he kept asking...He asked if I ate any strange street vendor food. Nope (but, mmm, sounds good, what do you have in mind?) He asked if any kids at my school had hepatitis. Nope. They don't let kids in school without records of immunization against it. He kept asking if I'd been sick? Vomiting? Fever? No, no, no. Pain? No. My blood pressure was normal and everything looked good - including that baby of ours!

So they sent us for an ultrasound of my liver and gal bladder. Oh, wait, did they mention that you have to fast for 8 hours before having it done? Yeah. So after spending 3 hours in the office, I am told that I can't eat or drink (not even WATER) for another 5 hours. Really? Do they not know me and my hunger levels? Especially in mid-afternoon? When I haven't had any lunch? Ugh... Turned out to not be a real biggie though and I learned that I will not die if I don't eat for a little while. Lesson learned.

The ultrasound looked good...exact quote was "no tumors and anything scary". I appreciated this comment because liver cancer was all up in my brain. She took pictures of EVERYTHING inside me. I met my aorta, my pancreas, my liver, my gal bladder, my kidneys, and we even said a "what's up?" to our little peanut in my belly. She agreed that there was no obvious penis and the baby was in a great position to look. So my current theory is that we have a girl or an unfortunate boy who will hopefully have inherited Russ's charm cause he's gonna need it. (sorry, baby boy, that's in poor taste...I'm sure that you'll be just fine)

In order to ultrasound one's internal organs, do you have any idea of how hard they have to press? Holy crap, I thought I would break a rib. Seriously. I am so sore today, I feel I've been beaten and I'm sure the worst is yet to come. It was beyond painful. Who knew?

So I'm relieved that the doctor was so not-concerned about the baby. He practically said "The baby? Oh, you don't have to worry about the baby...we just need to figure out what's happening with you" In other words, I might be dying, but the baby is just fine. (I realize it doesn't work that way, but the idea gives me comfort nonetheless) I have my regular OB appt Tuesday where they will continue to work on this. The new blood work will be back as well as the u/s report.

In other news, have I mentioned that I'm over 14 weeks now? That's like a real pregnant lady. That's me. And even though my regular fat belly is covering up my baby belly, i can truly start to feel it especially when I laying down in bed. Yay!

High liver (or Hi Liver!)

2010-03-04T15:27:00.000-05:00

14w

So I went to get my thyroid checked out yesterday...pretty uneventful. My TSH is high so I have hypothyroidism and will take synthroid to get it back in check.

What is troubling is that the endocrinologist called and said my "liver is high". What does that mean? Was it smoking weed or something? She said she called my OB's office and they want to see me tomorrow. Why the big rush? What could it be? I'm more worried with this because of the urgency that they seem to have regarding it. She said "they want to see you tomorrow to find out why your liver is high". Luckily (ha!) I'm overweight and lots of times people with extra weight have "fatty livers" as indicated by high levels. Hopefully that's all it is...not that I want that or anything but it's better than the diseases that I saw when I googled which I will NOT do again. One of the diseases said that the only treatment is immediate delivery of the baby. Um...that's not happening. I'm sure I don't have that. I pray I don't at least.

OK, relax. Be calm. We'll figure it out. My body is going through changes and I'm bound to have some bumps in the road.

I go back to my original petition of the universe which is that when people like me have to go through hell in order to get pregnant, we should be blessed with healthy, uneventful pregnancies every time.

On the bright side, maybe they'll have to do an ultrasound and I'll get to see the baby. But that concerns me too because if they have to do an ultrasound, that would mean they're worried about the baby. Let me have some disease, but please let the baby be alright.

Tune in tomorrow for an update...

(Incidentally, I've been feeling REALLY pregnant over the past few days...just thought I'd follow up from my last post)

Is it still in there?

2010-03-01T13:58:00.000-05:00

I know what you're going to say.

I know.

But the thing is that I feel completely empty today. I don't feel bloated or crampy or any of the little pains I've been feeling. I realize that the baby is still in there because it certainly hasn't come out. But why when I bend over it does not feel there's anything there? Before (um, that would be yesterday) when I bent over I felt all this pressure like I might explode. My theory is that my amniotic fluid has sprung a slow leak (as evidenced by the increase in moisture I keep feeling down there) and now it's all gone and the baby is on it's way out too.

(Time out: I realize how crazy I sound....but I can't help but feel this way and YOU are the people I talk to about this stuff)

Logic and reason tells me that now I am in the 2nd trimester, things are looking up and I'm feeling better. Isn't that what EVERYONE says is supposed to happen? Yes, it is.

Then why can't I just be happy that I don't feel like crap?

And I've only felt nothing for like 18 hours or something! For all I know, I'll feel like crap later.

What's wrong with me? I need to be more positive and I just can't think anything but the worst. Ugh.

Sorry, I seriously know that I'm crazy and it must be getting old to hear about all my worries.

But I have such worries so that's what you'll hear about.

For now.

NT Screening

2010-02-23T18:24:00.000-05:00

12w5d

We had our NT screening today. It involved an ultrasound and bloodwork via a finger prick. Ummmm....that finger prick hurt more than any needle I experienced though all my IVF cycles. OUCH! And it's all sore now as I type. The bloodwork provides preliminary results in one week and then in 3 weeks I go for more blood work and in four weeks we'll have full results.

The ultrasound results (just part of the equation) was perfect!! Everything measured well. The neck was 1.6mm (at least I think it's mm, that makes sense when we're talking about a baby that's 2.5 inches long?) and they want to see it below 2.5 or it could be indicative of Down syndrome. She said I had no markers for anything to worry about. So we feel good even though we know the blood work still needs to come back.

The sonographer was the best!!! I wish she could do them all! She answered questions and was really frank without making me nervous. I like someone who is honest and realistic but who doesn't needless worry you. She made an educated guess and thinks it's quite possible that it's a...........GIRL! She showed us how the genitals are laying flat and how it's just how female parts look. She said male genitals look way different. She said that she's not always right, but she feels it's a good possibility. She warned us to not buy anything yet, though, just in case.

OK, so now for a short disclaimer. I really, truly will be happy no matter what we have. Honestly. At this point, it would be so selfish of me to even wish for anything but a healthy baby. Even now, if asked I truly just want this baby to make it out, happy and healthy and I would be thrilled with a boy or girl. Please do not misunderstand, a boy would not be disappointing or anything other than total joy.

However.

The idea that I might have a little girl inside me is more than I can even think about. To think that not only have I been blessed with a baby but that baby might be a little baby girl??!! It's so far more than I ever could have hoped for. I can't even wrap my mind around the possibility and thinking about it makes me cry. So I guess I didn't realize how much I wanted a girl until today. I mean my whole life all I ever talked about was having a little girl, so I don't know why I'm surprised that I feel this way. In the past couple years I was just so used to praying for a baby that gender hadn't come into the picture. I really had a feeling that it was a boy - and it could very well be. Russ has thought girl the whole time. A girl. Is it possible?

Low Thyroid

2010-02-19T18:28:00.000-05:00

12w1d

So I get a call from my OB today...my blood work came back and my thyroid is low. They want me to see an endocrinologist to get it checked out. What does this mean?

I made the appt for March 3, but I really want to get it checked out now. Of course if they thought it was an emergency, they would tell me to come in immediately, right? And I'm going to that fetal specialist on Tuesday for the NT screening so maybe he can ease my mind.

From what I've read, it's fairly common, but gone untreated can lead to poor brain development. Dr. Oz's book said it could be a cause of miscarriage, but it was on a list of dozens of things that could potentially cause miscarriage and I think what it actually said is that when women have repeated miscarriages, one of the things they look at is thyroid so that not the same thing really. You know that I don't like reading that word "miscarriage" though. Ugh.

I'm not freaking out...I just wish someone would tell me "oh, that happens all the time, it's not a big deal" So would someone out there just tell me that please? You can lie, I don't mind.

A milestone

2010-02-18T14:46:00.000-05:00

12w

I have been waiting for this day for the last 8 weeks...if only I can make to 12 weeks, then I'll know that this is actually happening. Well here I am and you know what I'm thinking? That technically the 1st trimester goes to 13 weeks, so really next week is the milestone! I can't give myself relief no matter what. If I don't feel some weird feeling in my abdomen at least once every few hours, I assume the baby must have died. I know that sounds harsh but it's really what goes through my head. My husband has always accused me of always assuming the worst and I would argue that it wasn't true, but in this case it really is.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not saying I'm all doom and gloom all day. Most of the time I'm excited and talking about it and shopping for stuff and all that. It's just when I allow myself to think about what could be happening that I get consumed with the possibilities and then it's all I think about until I get distracted (or release it here on this post - after which I'll read it back and think I'm being so silly).

I really want a home doppler, but I've heard they can be unreliable and that some anxious moms (ME!) think the worst when they can't pick up the heartbeat and (LIKE ME) assume the baby must be gone. I think it could open up a world of trouble for me. But at the same time, I know that I won't be getting sonos every 2 weeks for much longer. The sono keeps me happy for about one week (because I've just seen proof that it's in there) and then I start doubting it. Once i have to wait a month I know I'll be a mess.

I hate that infertility has made me a crazy person. On top of everything else, it's stolen some of my joy about being pg...but not all of it, thankfully.

On another note, do you buy maternity clothes in the same size you usually wear? At Motherhood, I saw that jeans come in S, M, L, XL What? For jeans?? I don't get it.

By the way, there is a ponytail holder holding my pants up today. I looped it around the button, then through the button hole, and back around the button. Gave me a good 3 extra inches that I need desperately and is quite comfortable. I am afraid that it might break and pop off..if it does I just hope some of my friends are around because it will be hilarious!!!! (and I hope it doesn't happen while I'm teaching class tonight...not so hilarious)

11w5d

2010-02-16T14:59:00.000-05:00

I know I have no right to complain since I have been off work for the past week (and then some) due to snow snow, but I'm back at work today and I'm exhausted!! Is it possible that pregnancy fatigue is just now hitting me? I guess I'm still getting over my cold too. I literally feel like I will not stay awake as I type this. AND I have to be at school late tonight for a parent program (did you know I was a middle school counselor?) so I won't get home until at least 9:30. Then up at 5 am to start all over again. Man, I'm pooped.

And hungry. I eat and get really full and an hour later it's like I haven't eaten. Really crazy. I'm trying to not eat too much, but I'm so hungry! It wouldn't be so bad if I were eating super healthy, but I'm not. At least I can stomach vegetables now...

So we went shopping on Saturday and Sunday. Buy Buy Baby on Saturday and Babys R Us on Sunday. What a difference between the two stores! Buy Buy Baby was super crowded (with both people and merchandise) but the employees bent over backwards to help everyone and we got a great education about strollers. Seriously, I would have paid for a seminar that was as informative as this guy was. We're leaning toward the Baby Jogger City Mini or City Elite. Babys R Us is a much easier store to manipulate, but no customer service that I was able to see. That makes a big difference. Didn't buy anything, but the process has begun. Crib bedding is going to be the hardest I think. Everything I see is awful. I have not seen in person one thing I would even consider. It looks cute on line but in person it's horrendous. I think I'm getting old and picky.

This weekend I'm biting the bullet and am going out to buy some clothes that will actually fit me. I don't feel like I look pregnant yet, just fatter. But it seems stupid to buy bigger regular clothes when I'll need maternity soon. I'm jsut afraid the maternity clothes will look strange since I'm not quite filling it out yet. But I'll be so comfy!!! I've been doing a belly band for the past couple weeks for a couple pairs of pants and freshly washed jeans, but I feel like eventually my pants start sagging and it stops working. I'll be happy to get some new pants.

Next week we have the Nuchal Screening. This is where they measure the baby's neck and other things and try to determine the chances of the baby having downs syndrome and/or other chromosomal problems. There's a blood test involved too. The results come back as a ratio. For someone my age, I should have about a 1 in 105 chance of having something wrong with the baby (that can be detected chromosomally and through measurement). This test will give a result that we can compare to that. It might say there is a 1 in 3500 chance or it might say a 1 in 20 chance - even as high as 1 in 5 chance. If we are found to be high risk, we can then move on to a more invasive test (like amnio) or just wait and see. If it were high, we'd probably go ahead and do the amnio. Again, it's not like we'd terminate, but if there is something wrong, it would be good to be able to plan and prepare for it. Hopefully everything will be fine. We go Tuesday, one week from today. I'm already sensing the anxiety it could bring, but I know that I would worry anyway, so I think it's good to have information. I hope I don't regret doing it. My dr seemed to think it was fairly standard - especially since I'm so old =).

Two Years

2010-02-14T06:12:00.001-05:00

11w3d

Two years ago today, on Valentine's Day, we received the life-changing news that IVF was our best option if we wanted to have biological children (is that the right term? It sounds funny). We had been trying for 3 years and my OB had sent me for some tests, but nothing major, and not even and HSG would have diagnosed me immediately. We were definitely pokey about it and I was not at all aggressive about figuring it out. I thought it would happen when it happened and life was good, so why mess it up with all this possible IF stuff? The summer of 2007 I started taking my temp and tracking and all that stuff. I could see that I ovulated normally (one OB had misdiagnosed me with PCOS, but I never believed it because I ovulated - I do look like a PCOS girl though - I have all tell-tale signs so i get why she thought it, but it's always bothered me that she was so quick to size me up and send me on the wrong track). I had FINALLY read "Taking Charge of Your Fertility" (which my dear friend Bridget had given me YEARS before but I never read it - so regretful) and it was life changing. I learned so much and I finally felt empowered to take the bull by the horns.

In November 2007 I bit the bullet and called my IF clinic. I found it on my own, on the internet! They put us through the round of tests, including an HSG which at the time I thought was normal. When I think back, I remember the dr making that fake smiley face as she tried to get the dye through my left tube. She didn't want to tell me it was all 'effed up. She wanted me to wait until valentines day.

So on February 14, 2008 we had our follow up where I fully expected she would tell us that we were perfect, but for some reason not conceiving. I thought she'd say that we'll do some IUIs and, of course, it would work on the first or second try. Up until that point I was on the side that said I would NEVER go through what it takes to do IVF. I have a dear friend who went through 3 rounds (the lovely mommy of twins now, hi Katie!) and I witnessed the strength it required and i knew I didn't have it in me to go through that. (this memory makes me literally LAUGH MY ASS OFF now that I think about it all - I would announce to people that there is no way we would ever do IVF...man, how things change)

So we sat down in the room with my dear Dr. Browne and she went through everything. All of Russ's stuff was normal. My hormones were normal, but she was slightly concerned about my elevated FSH level as it could indicate that my eggs were pooping out. Nothing to worry about yet, but just something to keep in the back of our mind. Then she got to the HSG results. Basically my left tube was shot (hydrosalphinx). I would need surgery to fix it (though not likely it would repair) or remove it. Considering this, she suggested surgery ASAP followed by IVF. It felt like a death sentence. I was so happy that I was so educated about it all at the time because I understood every word she said. Russ didn't, so there was some explaining to do. All of the sudden I just started sobbing right there at the table. It was horrible. I "knew" that I would never do IVF, so this meant that weren't having kids. (I'm so extreme, I know) I tried to get it together and we went out and scheduled a follow up to prepare for surgery and the ball got rolling. In my mind, I didn't understand why we still wouldn't do IUI since I had one good tube left (or so I thought). But I took it one step at a time and waited for the surgery to be scheduled.

When we left the office, I howled with tears at the elevator. It was horrible. They really need a crying room there. Russ and I had come in separate cars, so it wasn't like we were leaving together. I literally howled, that's the best way to describe it. I don't ever remember crying like that before, although I certainly have since. Happy Valentine's Day.

I'm not going to detail everything after that, just that surgery was April '08 and they blocked the left tube and discovered that I had so many adhesions that the right tube was useless. IVF was truly the last resort and we just did it. Over and over and over again. I remember that spring being a time of grief. Surrendering myself to IVF was extremely difficult. It was so limiting and, I thought, scary. Luckily we both have kick-ass insurance that has covered all 5 cycles, without which we wouldn't have been able to do any of it. Of course, I quickly learned that IVF was quite manageable and not bad at all. I know everyone says it, but it's not the shots. For me, it's the detailed information and knowing way too much to the point where it makes you crazy during the initial stages, the fertilization report, the 2ww. The emotional ups and downs were the worst part by far. Who am i kidding? They still are. =)

And so here I am, 6 am on Valentine's Day, almost 12 weeks pregnant! What a difference 2 years can make, right?

To shop or not to shop

2010-02-13T10:49:00.000-05:00

11w2d

So technically I'm "in my 12th week" right? On Thursday, 12 weeks will be complete. I've also had 4 excellent ultrasounds and everything looks great. Why am I pondering this? Because I REALLY REALLY want to start shopping!!! Not purchasing, but I want to start the preliminary looking around. (for real this time) (and not just on-line which I have been doing for years) In my mind I told myself that we wouldn't go to the big baby store (we have a Babys R Us and a Buy Buy Baby - I want to go to Buy Buy Baby because they have every single stroller you can imagine on display; everything from a Gracco $129 to a $900 Bill and Teds - I am determined to learn the differences) until we were through the first trimester. So I think it's a little early, but I want to go TODAY. Or tomorrow. It would be fun to celebrate Valentines Day there...

Anyway, I have to consider the fact that while I see the light, I am indeed not out of the woods yet. If the worst happens, would having gone to the store make it any worse? Maybe, but at that point isn't it just the absolute worst thing ever anyway? Doesn't my joy now offset the pain then? I think so!! Plus I need to be like all these other fabulous IF PG women (is there a real acronym for that? For those of us that have won the struggle? We need one...) who are embracing their pregnancies and thinking nothing but positive positive positive. But it's ME and I need to always be prepared for anything. And I am trying. And doing fairly well. Buy Buy Baby is the last frontier. And I really, really want to go.

Did I mention I have a horrendous cold? Sucks. I know that if I took Sudafed my world would change, but I'm not. The paper (from what seems like 1990) my doctor gave me said it was fine, but my babycenter newsletter said it was a no no. I can survive (and have been off on snow days for over a week!), but I sure feel crappy.

Just a little more drama...

2010-02-09T16:10:00.000-05:00

10w5d

Have you noticed my new little ticker on my page? How cute! (Thanks, Katie for the suggestion!) Problem is it didn't update today. It's still showing 10w4d. Hmm...

So we went to the Dr today and, as always, there had to be some drama. It won't sound like much, but for us it was torturous there for a minute. I get there - and I just need to say again how very pleased I am with the office and everyone there. They are quick and friendly and know what they're doing and I'm very, very happy. So we get into the room and the Dr comes in with her doppler and immediately says that we're going to listen for the heartbeat. I was so excited! I didn't think we'd get a chance to hear or see anything today so it was a nice surprise to be able to verify once again that the little peanut is doing alright. She did say that at 10and 1/2 weeks it might be hard to "find the heartbeat", so we were somewhat prepared for the 5 FULL MINUTES of her pressing so hard on my belly and finding NOTHING. She kept moving super slowly across the same areas over and over again and nothing could be heard. After what felt like an hour (five minutes), she said that they have an "archaic ultrasound machine" and that they'll use that to verify a heartbeat visually. It was nice to know that in a pinch they do have an u/s machine even though it's not as high tech as the one in the radiology dept that we were at last week. I asked if we should be worried and she said that we should not since last week we had a great u/s and everything looked good. She said again that at this early, the doppler is often ineffective. So they say that the room where the machine is is being used and that we'll just need to wait a few minutes. Now you guys know me. I was convinced the baby was gone. I was fully preparing myself for going in there and finding nothing. And of course the wait was only 15 minutes but it felt like hours. Then we get into the room and she turns on this old machine and is again trying to find it and she says "there's your uterus"..."there's the baby"..."ok, now let's see...hmm..." HMM? Man I was sure that there was nothing there. It felt like it took so long. And then finally "See that little flicker? That's the heartbeat" HUGE sigh of relief! I honestly can't say I saw it, but i didn't care. I looked at her and I said "You swear to God that it's there and OK?" She said it was. And then we were able to see the little peanut practicing some sort of aerobatic routine. He/she was twirling and flipping and having a ball in there. The Dr was happy to see so much movement. PHEW! Poor Russ. He really will be an alcoholic before this is all over... (not really, he hasn't actually started hitting the bottle...)

I have yet to make the connection between what I see on the ultrasound screen and the fact that the image I see is in ME. I feel like I'm watching TV and "oh cute, look at the baby!". It's incredible to me that I'm walking around with that all day. Why don't we hear more people talk about how crazy miraculous all of this is?

So we discussed the chromosomal abnormality screenings and decided that we'll do the non-invasive tests and then move on from there in the event that something comes back negative. My selfish reason for doing this is that it means I get another ultrasound within the next 2 weeks. I have to go to a specialist for the test and still need to make the appt sometime before I'm 13 weeks. She said I'd go back to the specialist for another thorough u/s at 19-20 weeks since I'm an IVF and "advanced maternal age" patient. Man I feel old! I like that they're taking special care of me - bring it on!!!

Decisions, decisions

2010-02-08T10:24:00.000-05:00

10w4d

Last week Thursday was my last day for the endometrin inserts and estrace pills. I was worried that with the discontinuation of the meds, the baby would fall out. So far so good =) I know that they weren't what was making this stick, but you know me...All weekend I was going to the bathroom every 30 minutes just waiting for bad stuff to happen and all was good. Starting yesterday I was feeling much more confident about it all and I think pregnancy enjoyment is right around the corner.

I have an appt with our OB tomorrow to discuss Fetal Chromosomal Abnormality Screening Tests. Since I'm 36, they are letting us know our options, although it doesn't sound like they're pushing us to do anything. I have 4 options, 2 are non-invasive and 2 are invasive. From the little brochure they gave me (which looks like it's way old and has been reproduced 500 times), there are 3 things they are screening for: Down syndrome (Trisomy 21), Trisomy 13, and Trisomy 18. These chromosomal abnormalities can cause physical defects and cognitive delays (what the brochure calls mental retardation). I strangely have not done any on-line research on these things (meaning the screening tools that are available to us). I think I want to wait and speak with the doctor first. OK, so here are my choices:

1. Nuchal Translucency Screening
         This involves an ultrasound and blood test. It's performed between 11w1d and 13w6d and it measures the fluid behind the neck. From what I've read on the blog, I think many women get this done. It has a 85% success rate at identifying Down syndrome, with a 5% false positive rate.

2. Quad Screen
         This is a blood test performed between 16 and 18 weeks. It also has a 85% success rate at identifying problems with a 7% false positive rate.

Now on to the ouchy stuff...

3. Chorionic Villus Sampling
         This is performed between 10 and 12 weeks and a placental sample is obtained either through the cervix or abdomen (we're talking sticking needles in). They say it's better than amniocentesis because it can be done so much earlier. It's 99% accurate with a pregnancy loss rate of 0.6-0.8%. I have many questions about this, primarily what the procedure involves specifically. I don't like seeing any pregnancy loss rate, obviously it scares me.

4. Amniocentesis
         This is done between 15 and 20 weeks and a needle is inserted into the abdomen to get a sample of the amniotic fluid. There is a 99% accuracy rate with a 0.5% pregnancy loss rate.

OK, so here's my thing. I can't think of anything they could possibly tell me that would make me say "OK, let's terminate". And that's the whole point of the test right? To find out if bad things are happening and terminating in case it's really bad. I have heard way too many stories about women who were told that they're baby will be profoundly delayed or deformed or defected in some way and then they come out just fine. I can't imagine a scenario where I would terminate, so why bother with the invasive tests?

Part of me is worried that since my IVF success rate was so very low - even with 3 rock star blasts, I only have one in there (for which I am so grateful!!), maybe it indicates that my eggs are bad and more prone to having chromosomal abnormalities (i sort of think the answer to that is a big DUH, of course there is). So maybe something could be wrong with the baby in my case. Does that make sense? Or because it's now growing normally, I have the same chance of having issues as other women my age? I'm not sure and I have to ask. Again, I can't stop thinking that there's no way I'd terminate so what's the point?

What do you think???

Beautiful Blogger Award!

2010-02-06T18:40:00.000-05:00

Yay!!! My girl Cilla nominated me for a Beautiful Bloger Award! She rocks - THANKS Cilla!!! She is the author of "It Only Takes One Time...NOT" and is happily and healthfully pregnant, four weeks ahead of me, after her second IVF cycle. I weeped when she got her first positive beta results. Check her out, you'll adore her.

So now that I have this award, I get to share with you the following:
Seven Interesting (?) Facts About Me:

OK...I've been stalling this post because I can't think of 7 even mildly interesting things about me and I think 36 hours is my limit for thinking about it. So, here are 7 random things about me:

1. While eating with too much enthusiasm, I've accidentally bitten my finger at least 3 times that I can remember over the years. I thought this was normal until I discussed it with my friend the other day who made me feel like a freak.

2.  Growing up, I used to resent the fact that I wasn't 100% Italian - only 1/2 and I was not lucky enough to get the "good" last name (because my mom is the Italian one, not my dad).

3. I once stalked Prince outside his home in Minneapolis and his Paisley Park studios where I danced in front of the security camera in hopes that he'd see me and invite me in. This behavior was supported 100% by my husband by the way who was with me at the time...another reason why he's the greatest guy ever.  Needless to say, Prince did not see me and therefore did not decide that he needed me to tour with him.

4. When I was born, my family lived on a street called Tracey Lane. They then decided to name me Tracey and claim that it didn't occur to them that they named me after the street we lived on. Really? Sounds suspect to me and I think my name was the result of someone losing a bet or something.

5. My favorite movie of all time is Dirty Dancing and I can recite most of the dialogue which annoys others as they try to watch it with me in the room.

6.  My right eye is a different color than my left and neither are an actual color. They're sorta diarrhea green, but my left is much more brown.

7. I just made the BEST spare ribs ever!!! Being snowed in isn't so bad after all...
OK, so now onto my Beautiful Blogger nominations!! (most of whom were already nominated, but whatever...) I nominate the following:

Jo at MoJo Working
Emily at A Hope and A Wish For a Gift From a Petri Dish
Sonja at On (In)Fertile Ground
Kim at the A.R.T. of Baby Making
Hannah at Life Happens When You're Making Other Plans
Em at Bean Stalk Ballads

These IF sisters have made this whole process much more bearable and I'm indebted to them and all of the others who have helped me get through it all. Much love to everyone reading this!!!

Finding Nemo

2010-02-01T18:09:00.000-05:00

9w4d or is 5d?

What a day!! Long story (read on) short: all is well!

I got up and went to work so that I could get a couple things done in anticipation of not being there at some point during the day. So I call my OB as soon as they turned the phones on at 8:45 am. I get the desk immediately and tell the girl about my weekend. (By the way, I realized that I wasn't very clear on my last post. The bleeding only went on Saturday night...by Sunday morning it was all gone and never returned) The girl was sooo nice and fit me in right away without having me speak to the nurse to "approve" my appointment. She tells me to get there in an hour. I left work, met Russ at home and off we went.

They took us back right away, weighed me, took my BP, etc. The doctor (not the one I had the appt with on Thursday, but a different one - actually it was the one who diagnosed me as an "aggressive wiper" - see previous post from the fall) examined me and said it all looked good, my cervix is closed and I even got a pap to boot! Then they sent me for an ultrasound. My OB office is in a hospital and they do ultrasounds in the radiology dept. Unfortunately, the u/s appt was 2 hours away so we went and tried to get me a preservative-free seasonal flu shot (already have H1N1), but couldn't find one...that might be a challenge.

Went back for the u/s. They did both types and we heard the heartbeat!!! BOOM!BOOM!BOOM! It was so loud and clear!!! And then we saw our little peanut who looked just like Nemo. It was moving it's little teeny arms all around!!! There is a BABY in there!!! Heartbeat was strong (159bpm) and I am measuring 9w5d. That's one day ahead of where I actually am. I always thought with IVF it was so exact, but now does it mean I actually am a day ahead or is it just that little Nemo is big?

Anyway, it was a wonderful afternoon. The doctor wants us back in one week to discuss screening for chromosomal abnormalities, so I have all that to think about... Russ said he needs a stiff drink (haha, he doesn't drink at all) and confessed that this weekend was the most difficult time he can remember. He's such a rock, I would have never known he was so nervous. I am so happy with the doctor and office staff. They never made me feel like I was over-reacting and I feel like they gave me special attention which I thoroughly enjoyed. And I forgot, after the u/s, I sat in a results room where my dr called to tell me what she thinks and she said everything looks perfect. They don't know where the blood was coming from, but that there is no sign of any pooling or anything wrong to explain, so it's all good and that if it happens the same way again to just monitor it and call if get worse. She also said that based on everything, the chances of miscarriage are extremely low. Relief.

Better but worried

2010-01-31T09:05:00.000-05:00

9w3d (yesterday's post was wrong I was 9w 2d)

So I wrote last night's post at about 5:30 after which I never saw that intense bright red again. It then became lighter and lighter and eventually went to pink. (let's face it, pink is simply red that's diluted, right? So a teeny bit of red often shows up pink...it's all blood whether it's red, pink or brown) Anyway around 7 I decided to call my RE because I had the brilliant idea that I could go to their office this morning during monitoring time to get a quick u/s. So I call the after hours number and the on-call nurse calls me back who happened to be my nurse! (my place is huge and probably has over 30 nurses so this was quite a coincidence) So Farrah tells me that it sounds normal and that they can no longer see me now that I'm released from them. =( She said that if it got worse and was accompanied by bad cramping I should call my OB. She assured me that red spotting happens all the time and not to worry. So I was disappointed because I really wanted her to tell me to run over today and get it checked out.

So this brings me to a few questions. What is cramping? Sounds stupid I know, but I'm having trouble defining it. I've always been a super crampy girl around my period time. I'm one of those girls who used to throw and have to curl in the fetal position for hours when day 1 hit. Being on the pill alleviated a lot of that as I got older, but I still was crampy. The crampiness I'm getting now - and have been getting since I was 4w3d feels exactly like I'm about to start my period, but it's not a sharp cramping pain. It's a dull, radiating ache that goes all over my abdomen and even down my legs a little. It's completely manageable - I haven't even thought about taking Tylenol for it. So I guess I'm saying it's not bad at all and they keep telling me it's normal because I'm feeling my uterus expanding. And it makes sense to me that if I feel that way when a little lining sheds each month, I certainly should feel that way while life is growing in there bigger and bigger each day.

I have to say that yesterday i felt crampy more often that I have been, so this is what concerns me. Yesterday I just felt a little off all day. Usually I feel totally normal all day until late afternoon when I would be hit with some crampiness and just general blah. It would then go away and come back in the late evening (in general). Yesterday I was complaining that I was feel more icky than usual. Russ told me that since I had never been "this pregnant before" I couldn't possibly know how it would feel, so it's all normal. This comment was comforting, but then of course the spotting began... Just to be clear, I saw bright red when I wiped only during 2 bathroom visits that were about 20 minutes apart. It never was enough to leak out onto my pad or anything. So it's not a lot at all. Just enough to make me freak out though.

OK, so now what? Do I wait until Thursday to see my OB? That will be tough. I guess I'll see what today brings and decide. I think that minimally I'll call in the morning and let them decide if they need to see me sooner.

Thanks to everyone who gave me enouraging words last night!!!!!!