This could be real

Beta #2 is in and I'm at 881!!!  That's about a 150% increase in 48 hours.  Wow.  This could be real.  Now I go back Monday for another check and then they'll tell me when the first ultrasound will be.  My guess is that it'll be late next week or early the week after.

I'm still not super excited, though I think it is starting to sink in a little bit.  It occurred to me this morning that there will eventually be some discussion over the gender of this baby.  It's so funny how every time I've ever heard someone say "We don't care if it's a boy or girl, only that it's healthy", I've always thought they were full of crap and just didn't want to take sides or upset their spouse.  I truly don't care even a little about that and it has hardly crossed my mind that either is an option, probably because it's barely crossed my mind that this is happening.

I feel really good today.  A little heartburn, but not bad.

So it's New Year's Eve and I feel I should reflect.  It's very hard for me to reflect on 2009.  Three days ago I would have said that 2009 was the worst year of my life.  Now i can't possibly say that.  So I'm not sure how I feel about 2009...it's brought me the greatest joy and pain so I guess i can't complain too badly...Happy New Year everyone!!!

Really?

Is it possible that we got call yesterday saying that we're pregnant?  It feels like a dream and I quite honestly don't believe it.  And I don't mean that in a flippant "OMG!  I can't believe it!" way.  I mean that I literally think they may have made a mistake or something. 

I listened to the voicemail again last night and she definitely said it was all good - and I realized that she said my HCG was 371, not 375.  I really don't believe it though and am looking very forward to my second test tomorrow.

It's so cliche to be in this position and feel anxious and unsettled because of all the past disappointments, but it's really how I feel.  I am fully prepared for this to go wrong.  I am trying to stay positive and send good energy flowing throughout my body, but I'm just saying that I've sort of braced myself for the impact of bad news should it come tomorrow or next week or next month.

Russ says he won't relax until he/she graduates from high school!  I think it will sink in before that for me =) but I can't imagine being so secure with this that I'll actually buy stuff!  And, let me tell you, I have done more (premature) online baby shopping (more like research and browsing, no purchases made) than anyone I know!  Of course that was back when I was in cycle 1 or 2 and thought this would actually work.  Now I'm too scared to even think about that stuff.  And really, scared isn't the word.  I feel like I'm denial - like I won't allow myself to process this yet.  I guess I'm in self-preservation mode and that seems normal.  I just wish I had a guarantee that this was going to last.  Of course there aren't guarantees that anything is ever going to last and I should just love this moment and cherish it.  Easier said than done.

I don't think I have any symptoms, but it's sooo early - I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow.  I am a little nauseous, but that's about it.  No more crampiness but that might come back, I'm such a crampy girl and I can't imagine I won't be throughout this.  I'm not sleeping, that's for sure.  And yet it's not like my mind is filled with baby thoughts or anything.  Hmm...this isn't anything like I thought it would be. 

(OK, so literally I just read that I wrote that I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow and my mind was like WHAT?  Who? And I mean that literally, as if it was news to me - in fact I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm insane.  So clearly the news has not even started to sink in.)

If what they're telling me is true, it means there is a person growing inside of me and that's just crazy!!!  OK that's my final thought on this for the morning...

At long last...

We have a winner!  My hcg is 375 at 14dp5dt.

I'm in a complete state of shock and feel silly writing this because my mind is telling me there is no way this real, so why am I telling all these people about it? 

We let the call go to voicemail and listened to it on speaker together.  Farrah, my nurse, was all excited to tell us that the test was positive and that I should now drop back to 2 endometrum a day and keep with the estrace twice a day and I go back Thursday for another beta.

Whoa.  This is really weird.  I'm not excited, not anxious.  Just relieved if anything.  It definitely has not hit me that this is real and we might actually have a baby (and as I wrote that - "baby" - I was hesitant that I might jinx the whole thing by putting it into words).  I can't believe it might be our turn finally.  I feel so very strange. 

Physically i feel very nauseous but I think that's just from the waiting all morning and the news.  It's more heartburn than queasy I think.  Other than that I feel nothing, which is normal.  Although, i swear I feel something in there doing it's thing.  Like a heaviness in my belly.  (Of course i felt that same thing last cycle when there was indeed nothing going on)

HUGE thanks to everyone for their prayers and good wishes.  The support of my friends (real-life and cyber) has been a true gift. 

Now I realize that I cashed in most of your prayers already, but please keep a few coming in hopes that my levels rise as they need to.

Whoa...is this real???

Beta Eve

So we decided to drive home today which means that we voluntarily postponed my beta until tomorrow.  I'm weirdly not too anxious, although the evening is young, so who knows how I'll feel later.  I've been in this position so many times and I am 100% prepared for bad news.  I'm holding out some hope that it'll be good news, but am realistic that it's most likely not. 

I have to say that if it is good news, I will be very shocked.  I have never felt more without child.  Experience has taught me that what I feel means nothing so I'll just wait and see.  It would be sooo nice to get good news!  I have to try hard to not think about it.

I DID NOT pee on any sticks.  For me the numbers are too important, especially after my cycle 2 beta of 15 which would have appeared positive on a stick but that indicated an abnormal pregnancy (even though my levels kept doubling for a week and a half before they stopped my meds and allowed the miscarriage to happen - right in the middle of American Idol I might add...poor timing).

So tomorrow I will wake up and head off to my blood draw.  I'll meet my friend for breakfast after and then get my nails done and this time - for the very first time - I will allow the call to go to voice mail.  Can i do it?  I don't know, but that's the plan.  I can't bear to have that awkward silence on the phone after they tell me that it's negative.  And, of course, I'm hoping that a change in routine will mean a change in the outcome.  And Russ isn't even going to be home with me (I don't think).  What's the point?  If it's negative I'll be fine (well, not fine but alright by myself) and if it's positive it'll be the happiest phone call ever and he'll come home and we'll celebrate.

Until tomorrow...

To pee or not to pee

10dp5dt

To pee on a stick or not to pee on a stick...that is the question.

I feel very not pregnant. 

Last cycle i would have bet everything that I was.  And I wasn't.

Official beta day is Monday...we may wait til Tuesday.

Do I pee on a stick and get it over with??? 

I've been living in the bliss of possibility and haven't really been obsessing about it at all.  Until now!  I think I'm better off in this place where whatever will be will be.  Testing now will make me crazy until I get that beta...What to do??

It sure feels good...

So we leave tomorrow for Buffalo where we will spend the week at my parents house, which is the house that I grew up in.  I'm excited to see family and friends, especially now that I've found Christmas spirit!  Today Dr. Oz was talking about how progesterone is like Valium and is the soothing hormone.  Is he ever right!  I sure feel soothed.  In fact I wish I could feel like this all the time.  This is by far the easiest 2ww I've had.  I don't know if it's because it's #5 or because it's Christmas or what but I like it!  I'm all happy and just in the best mood ever!

So my beta is scheduled for 12/28.  We're still supposed to be away and are actually driving home that day.  I think I've decided to move the beta to the 29th.  I know.  I could find out one day earlier.  Am I crazy?  I just have to say that I'm enjoying the possibility of being pregnant so much that I I don't mind waiting.  Prolonging the bad news is just fine with me.  And if it happens to be good, then my numbers will be even higher.   We could cut the trip short but I feel like I've barely seen my family in so long because I'm always having to come home for IVF stuff.

And I have a secret.

My nurse told me I should do a home test!  Now I am completely against HPTs for those of us IVFers.  I just think it feeds into the mind games we're already playing.  If it come back negative, we're crushed but still hold out hope.  If it comes back positive, we're excited but are sure it's wrong until we get the blood test and the call from our nurse.  I just think it's a bad idea any way you look at it.  But since my nurse kinda told me to do one on the 28th, what can it hurt?  NO!  I can't.  And Russ says no way too.  AND there's no way I'm telling my mom about this option.  But wouldn't it feel so good to pee on a stick and get the lines???  I'd feel so normal!  I don't think I'm going to do it, but who knows how I'll feel in a week.  Right now I'm just going to wallow in the bliss of hope that I have!  It sure feels good...

I'm not mad at ya...

Pet Peeve of the Day:
PG women who forget their IF roots.

There's this one girl I know who is happily expecting.  She went through waaaaay more cycles than anyone I've ever had contact with - 9 IVFs (although by now don't we all feel we know IVF Queen, Brooke Shields?).  She is in the home stretch with 8 weeks to go.  She has now gotten into the habit of complaining about being pregnant.  Now I'm sure there are things to complain about.  I know there will be pain and discomfort, inconveniences, and frustrations.  I completely understand that pregnancy brings with it much to complain about.  I don't, however, see how anyone can complain about being pregnant.  Do you see the difference? 

Consider these two statements:  1.  "I'm so big and fat that I can't even think about bending over to tie my shoe!" and 2.  "I'm so big and fat that I can't even think about bending over to tie my shoe!  Please, can't this pregnancy just be over?!"

I realize I'm being hyper-sensitive (and I've earned the right to be, thank you), but if that's how you want to handle the last weeks of pregnancy, just please remember that there are girls out there still fighting the fight and SHUT UP about it.  Go complain to your naturally conceiving friends so that they commiserate with you and you can all have a good laugh.  You'll probably end up making emasculating comments about your husbands too while you're at it (another huge pet peeve of mine!  Yeah, let's talk about how stupid and useless our husbands are to women we barely know - and often within earshot of said husband...and then let's wonder why husbands find comfort and status by having affairs - man!  I'm on a role today!).

My point to PG IF ladies?  Remember your roots.  Remember how emotionally painful infertility was.  How does it contrast with the physical pain of pregnancy?  Childbirth?  Would you trade one for the other?  I highly doubt it.  If you insist on complaining about your pregnancy, I only hope that it gives you great comfort.  Comfort because you are now like everyone else.  Dare I say normal?  That must feel soooo good.  For once to finally feel like a reproductively normal woman.  Hmm...maybe now I understand.  OK, I'm not mad at ya.

(This blog is better than therapy)