Scattered post

First of all, my apologies to my bloggy friends who I have been neglecting these past few days (weeks?).  I usually check my blog from my iphone and for some reason, i can't scroll down to read posts that don't appear on the screen, so I end up missing a lot.  And i can't post from my phone either.  Anyway, now I think I've caught up, but I may have missed some things.

We are doing well.  Poor little Sofia is very congested today though.  She's been semi-congested all along, but last night it was obvious she was having trouble breathing out of her nose.  She was becoming frustrated and was so upset - who can blame her?  She must be so confused, wondering why she can't breath suddenly.

(it's now 3 days later since I started this post)

So Sofia is still congested - poor thing cries in her sleep when she can't breathe and we spray saline drops in her nose and stick her in the bathroom with the hot water running.  Ihave a cool mist humidifier but I'm not sure it's doing anything to help.  Should I get a vaporizer??

We have her one month check up tomorrow even though she'll be 6 weeks, so we have many questions for the dr.

(it's now 2 days later)

So last night Sofia DID NOT sleep in our arms!!!  Woo hoo!!!  She didn't sleep in her crib or bassinet either, but she did sleep in the car seat and that is a victory for us.  And she's currently napping there right now. Yay!!

Dr visit was great.  She's now 10 lb 13 oz which means she gained exactly 3 lbs in 6 weeks.  Yikes.  She's also 22 and 1/2 inches tall.  Everything looks good.

As you can see i have little time to write.  Maybe now that we're putting her down more (fingers crossed that it wasn't some fluke last night!) I'll have more time.

I'll leave you with the cutest picture ever!  This was her in her birthday suit on her one month birthday.  I love her!!!

Brighter Days

4 weeks old

She's already been here for almost a month?!  I can't believe it!!!  In so many ways I can't believe it's been that long but at the same time I can't remember our life before her.

We're getting better at putting her down, so she is in our arms for maybe 21 hours a day and that's HUGE progress.  Thanks to inspiration from my dear bloggy friends Amber and Priscilla, I got a Moby Wrap...still trying to get the hang of it, but I think it will be a lifesaver! (feel free to give me tips on using it girls!) The wrap is basically a long piece of fabric that you wrap all around yourself and stick the baby in and they're secure.  It seems like it wouldn't work, but it really does.  I just haven't figured out how to get her in and out easily.

I'm feeling waaaaay better.  I"m hopeful that my hormones are leveling off and the crazies are gone for good.  I have an appt with my primary care Dr Friday to discuss the pain I've been getting on my hands and wrist (arthritis??) which is so severe at times, I'm afraid I could drop the baby...while I'm there I'm going to to discuss my anxiety and see what she thinks.  I don't want to give in to medication so soon, but at the same time I don't have a lot of time to waste wondering if it's all going to go away.  Let's face it, I've always been an anxious person (reading any blog entry of mine will tell you that) and these days I don't have the luxury of wallowing in my "what ifs"...I might need more help and I'm open to that.  Having great days like today gives me hope, but then the knots in my stomach return quickly and I wonder what the right thing to do is.

Today I took Sofia out by myself for the first time.  I use the term "by myself" very loosely because technically Russ was there for almost the whole time, but I didn't know he would be and so when I left for our walk and he joined us I was just thrilled and still pleased that I had made the effort to do it alone, knowing I could.  What am I afraid of???

Sofia has been good...earlier in the week she had some vomiting issues but there was no fever and it passed.  Still, there are times after eating that she seems soooo terribly uncomfortable - like she's in awful pain.  She grunts and turns red and usually doesn't cry, but just seems to be in a lot of pain.  We've tried gas drops and gripe water but it still happens sometimes.  I can't distract her by sticking my finger in her mouth which she loves, but I can still see the distress in her face.  I wish that would go away. 

My brother is coming to see us this weekend!!  He's never visited without his wife and kids, so this is special.  I'm excited for him to meet his only niece.  My brother and I have never really spent any time alone together, so it might even be a little weird but it's about time we got together like this, so it'll be great.

OK, I'm off to practice wrapping this baby up in her carrier!

Life with Sofia

24 days

Today was literally the first day in over a week that I've had the chance to catch up on blog world.  Sorry to leave you hanging.

This week has been up and down.  Mostly up - I mean I have this precious little girl right here, so what could be wrong?  Yeah, that's what I say at THIS moment.  But I've had some down moments too. 

Some mornings I wake up in a state of irrational anxiety that I can't shake.  It's only on workdays when I know I'll be alone with her.  And I'm not anxious about her dying or anything awful like that - I thought I'd be obsessed with making sure she was always breathing (and I do watch her and check, but just not as compulsively as I anticipated), but I'm worried about little things like getting bottles cleaned and what if she cries and I can't stop it?  So far it's only been about 4 or 5 days that I've been like that, but if it doesn't stop totally soon I'm not too proud to ask the Dr for some drugs to get me through.  When it's bad, it's BAD. 

Today is a good day though.  I'm feeding her mostly formula and am able to pump one bottle of breast milk per day which makes me feel incredibly guilty that I can't give her more, but I just don't have the milk.  My body doesn't work and I need to remember that - how could I forget after all? 

We basically hold her all day and I know it's a mistake, but I can't help it.  Like right now, she's peacefully sleeping in her moses basket and she's been there for almost 30 min.  This about her limit.  Within minutes, she start crying until I pick her up and get her settled.  She sleeps all night in one of our arms, usually for 3-4 hours at a time, but sometimes for 5.  We haven't put her in her bassinet once at nighttime.  We need to start doing that more, but EVERY book I read says you can't spoil an infant and that bad habits don't begin until 3 months.

I have yet to drive with her which means that I'm stuck inside all day.  I could go for a walk outside I suppose, but I'm still scared about being outside my security zone of home.  It's being alone that does me in.  When Russ is here, I'm fabulous just because I know he's here to back me up if I can't handle something.  But I can handle everything - I'm doing it and just need to relax.

Sofia seems to be having trouble with gas.  Sometimes after she eats, she grimaces like she's in so much pain.  We've tried gas drops and gripe water and sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't.  And it's not consistent which is puzzling.  If it were the formula (currently Infamil GenteEase) then wouldn't it upset her every time??  I don't get it, but seeing her in pain is tough. 

This weekend we're going to get her out and about and feel like a real family who does normal things.  Being cooped up has been driving me a little crazy.  And hopefully our friend who is doing our pictures will come and I can share them with you!!

Holy Hormones

16 days

I apologize in advance for how this all may sound.  Please know that it's all coming from a place of crazy out of control hormones (at least I pray that's all it is...).

Being in the hospital and those first few days home were pure bliss!!  I never knew I could feel so happy and all was well in the world.  Then came Tuesday...  My parents had been long gone and Russ had to go to work for the first time.  I was overcome with panic and all feelings of well-being flew right out of me.  The day went by just fine - I handled it very well.  But man these past 3 days have been up and down emotionally.  I wake up in the morning feeling so sick that I can't eat.  I assume it's just nerves, but my appetite is GONE (I'm already down 3 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight!  What???  I haven't been eating and when I do it often runs right out of me...).  In a word, I'm a MESS.

At this particular moment for example, I am totally fine.  I feel like myself.  I look over at Russ with Sofia sleeping on his chest and I couldn't be happier.  But in a flash, i could start crying about how much I wish my mom was back with us helping me and setting my mind at ease.  So far Tuesday was the worst day, so I'm hopeful that this isn't going to last.  At my OB appt today, she asked me a lot of questions and made me feel comfortable about reaching out for help if I didn't feel like myself soon.  I know the "baby blues" are real and very common, I just didn't expect it to hit to hard and fast - and I thought it would happen immediately after birth.  And my thoughts aren't about Sofia at all.  I feel totally bonded to her and she makes me so happy.  I just feel so unlike myself and maybe a little confused about who I am now.

OK, so here it is.  Could I be mourning my pregnancy?  And if that isn't crazy enough, could I be mourning my infertility?  Over the period of 5 years, I became "the girl who can't get pregnant".  I came to terms with that.  I wasn't happy with my title, but I learned to live with it.  I fought hard to overcome and won.  But now what?  Who am I?  Logic says I'm now "mother", but I feel so ill-prepared to wear that label.  I mean I know what a mom is and how to do it (at least I've read every book and article possible to prepare), but what does that mean for my identity?  Perhaps this is all crazy hormone talk, but I really think there is something to the fact that infertility made who I am (was? no, AM) and now I'm clearly past that and I'm floundering.  I look at Sofia and don't connect that to the victory we've achieved.  If I'm not that poor chick who can't have kids and "deserves them soooo much...", then who the heck am I?  Sofia's mom.  That's clear.  So is my identity already lost in motherhood?  I don't want that.  Even while pregnant, I considered myself "high-risk" (but technically wasn't) and would always say that I'd believe it when i see it (in regards to actually having a baby).  Everything turned out perfectly.  And yet I can't seem to accept it.  When I do look over at her and deliberately connect in my mind that she is here, that she is ours, I just burst into tears.  Like I said, I'm a MESS.

Also, no surprise here, I'm petrified that I'll do something to hurt her or I won't know what to do if she's in distress.  These are normal worries, I know.  But I think these worries are causing me to have diarrhea for 2 weeks.  Not good.  (and not really total diarrhea either, more like the feeling I might have it - sort of like when you're in line for a roller coaster)

Sorry to ramble...I'm not sure what's going on, but I take comfort in knowing that hormones are playing a huge part. 

Also, I have to apologize to my friends who still on their IF journey.  Many of my bloggy friends recently gave birth (we all had daughters in the same 2-3 week time frame!) and so I don't mean to offend those still on the journey by not seeming appreciative of everything I have now.  I just need to share where my head is since that's why I do this in the first place.

Birth Story

Day 14

I can't believe it's been 2 weeks since Sofia was born!  In many ways, it feels impossible that so much time has passed and yet in other ways, it feels like a million years ago that it all happened.

On August 17 (37 weeks, 5 days) at about 4:45 am, I felt what i thought was a kick/gas combo.  It felt like a little explosion down in my belly.  I had been awake and I doubt it was strong enough to have woken me if I'd been sleeping.  I thought that perhaps I needed to visit the bathroom and as i was walking, I thought I peed (how do you spell that??) myself which was weird because I didn't think I had the urge, but crazier things have happened so I didn't question it.  When I sat down in the bathroom, it was very obvious what had occurred.  I was WET!  And it had a faint pink tinge to it.  I couldn't believe my eyes!  This was it, it was happening NOW. 

I took some deep breaths (but I was already shaking) and called out to Russ.  I called his name a couple times and then said "We have something here!"  Isn't that the oddest choice of phrases?  I don't know where that came from.  He came to the bathroom and I told him my water broke.  We just sort of looked at each other like "OK, now what???"  I called the dr, got the answering service and one of the drs called back within 5 minutes.  I told her my water broke and she said I should go to the hospital.  I had not experienced any contractions, but she felt there was great evidence that the baby was on the way.

Next step was calling my parents who live 8 hours away.  Our hope was that they would get there in time for the birth, but I was worried.  I called, waking them up and shocking my mom.  They immediately went into pack up and get out mode and were on the road within 45 minutes or so.  At this point, I knew I had 24 hours to get her out and I wanted to stall to give my parents more time.  I told Russ that while I wanted to get to the hospital, I wasn't in a big hurry. 

At this point we started gathering things to bring, although I was already packed and pretty much ready to go.  I also jumped in the shower so that I could be clean and shaved for who knew when my next shower would be, right?  Russ had to take care of some logistical things like moving my car out into the street so my dad could park in my spot.  He also decided that now would be a good time to eat 3 hot dogs.  WHAT?  Yeah...he knew it was going to be a long day and I was impressed that he thought ahead to eat since some days he eats nothing until 9 pm.  I thought 3 hot dogs was a little excessive, but who am I to judge? =)

Have I mentioned that once I had the initial break, it just kept flowing and flowing and flowing?  I'd sit on the toilet for 10 minutes and be sure it was done, then get up to get ready to go and within 30 seconds of standing, it would come pouring out again leaving puddles on the floor!  It was a lot!!! 

Finally it was time to go down to the car.  Remember I live on the 7th floor of a high rise condo.  Russ was going to meet me in the front of the building so I didn't have to walk too far.  I rolled up a wash cloth and stuck it in my panties (was wearing a dress) in an attempt to make it down there dry.  No such luck.  In the elevator with 2 of my neighbors, I feel it start to drip and by the time I got off, i was leaving a trail through the lobby!  Great.  We had a waterproof pad ready to go in the car, but I leaving puddles everywhere!

We got the hospital in 10 minutes or less and went right up to labor and delivery.  Still no contractions so I was really calm and ready to go.  They hooked me up to the monitor and we knew that the baby was doing well.  I told them that I was supposed to have a c-section but that maybe I could try laboring (???) and they said they'd wait til the dr came and checked me out.  I was honest and said that I really wanted my parents to be there but that top priority went to making sure baby girl came safely.

They checked my fluid to be sure it was amniotic (gosh - what else could it have possibly been???) and reported that my cervix was barely 1 cm.  No progress since the Friday before.  My dr came in and said her head was up pretty high.  She said I could labor and they could try pitocin to get it going.  I was not a fan of that idea.  In my mind, I felt like we could start labor that way but wouldn't we just end up doing a c-section anyway??  She felt that it would likely be the case - remember they still thought i had a giant baby in me.  She said we could wait it out and see if labor would start naturally but that we'd lose our place in the c-section schedule and that could mean we wouldn't get it until really late if we ended up needing that which we probably would.  She also told me that it's safer to do a c-section without laboring first so that the uterus doesn't get "tired" and make me bleed too much after. 

It seemed pretty clear that we needed to go ahead and just do the c-section.  By this time, my parents were about 5 hours away and I thought maybe they would schedule it for the afternoon and just maybe they'd make it.  I called my parents and explained the situation and that it was very possibly they would miss but that we'd try.  They agreed that getting her out was the way to go and aside from my parents not being there, I wanted her out ASAP.  So we told the dr to go ahead with it, not knowing when we would be scheduled for the procedure.

Little by little my nurse starts coming in with things for us.  The scrubs for Russ, a cap for me... I see she's now wearing little booties over her shoes.  I'm like "Um......are we doing this soon???"  In a word: YES.  I looked back at my phone and saw that I spoke to my parents at 9:41.  Well, I was in the operating room prepping by 10:15!!!!  They got us right in!  And that was a good thing because it meant I had no time to get nervous. 

Except for that I was totally nervous!  Shaking like leaf is more like it!  I was told we would do a spinal/epidural combo.  The spinal provides the major stuff but then the catheter is left in to provide me with continuing pain meds.  In case I hadn't mentioned it before, this procedure is what I was most afraid of.  And I'm not saying it hurt...it really didn't.  Pain isn't the word.  But i hated it.  I felt like it took forever and I just wanted to cry.  I know it was just nerves and it honestly wasn't pain but just an uncomfortable feeling that I never had before.  And I thought it would take like 2 minutes and it felt like it would never end.  The nurses were so sweet, holding my hand and I kept grabbing them and apologizing.

Once it was in, they layed me back and I literally was shaking so hard you could see my movement.  Was it cold?  Yeah, but this was more than shivers, I was a wreck.  Thankfully the nurse told me that once the spinal hit, I would feel like I couldn't breath but that it shouldn't freak me out, I could still breath even though it felt like  a truck sitting on top of me.  She was right!  All of the sudden, I felt like I couldn't feel myself breathing and had I not known to expect that, I would have hyperventilated for sure.  Instead I just took deep breaths that felt shallow and tried to relax.

Then Russ came in the room and the procedure started.  They started poking me to see if I could feel things.  Some things I felt, but it wasn't pain.  They kept asking "Is it PAIN?" and I'd say well...no.  But I figured numb is numb and I should feel anything.  Regardless I did not feel the cut and that's all that matters right? 

There were like 15 people in the room and I really wish someone had thought to tell what they were doing.  I would have liked a play by play, but that didn't happen.  When the time came, the nurse said OK, lots of pressure now.  At this point, they pushed so hard on my abdomen (right below my breast bone), I thought for sure I'd be sore for weeks.  They literally squeezed her out like a tube of toothpaste.  Lots of pressure and then a "There's a face..." and before I knew it she was out and we heard the cry and they brought her over to the warmer and started cleaning her.  I could barely see her out of the corner of my eye, but she was there!!!  Safe and sound.

After what seemed like forever, they finally brought her over to me for a 5 second peek and then whisked and her daddy off for tests and stuff.  Now it was time to put me back together.  They mentioned that a sedative would be given after birth to relax me during this part.  I was definitely in and out but it sure felt like it took forever.

Next thing I knew I was in recovery and feeling nauseous.  Does anyone remember the one thing I wanted to avoid on this day?  Yes, it was feeling sick to my stomach.  Well, no such luck.  I threw up pretty quickly and that lasted all day.  Gotta love dry heaves.  Ugh.......  But I had my baby girl there and she was healthy (practically perfect APGAR of 9/9 whoot whoot!). 

I know there's more to tell, but this has been a long post, don't you think?  I'll fill in more details another time.  Specifically how awesome the whole hospital experience was.  It was like being at a resort.  Sort of.

As I sit here (on my first day home alone with Sofia!), she is starting to get restless, so I gotta go be a mama.

Watch for the next post where I must talk about the hormone plummet and how I'm dealing with that!  Man, I cry a lot.  Until next time....

PURE JOY

I know...I KNOW!  I left you hanging...and I'm sorry.  Since this baby girl has been born HEALTHY AND STRONG, I have thought of nothing else.  NOTHING else...not french fries or TV or anything.  OK, so I thought about you guys, but did not take any time to update you and I'm sorry - don't be too mad.

In a nutshell, Sofia is here.  She is PERFECTION.  She has brought with her more joy than I could have ever expected.  I look at her and weep at least 10 times a day.  I can't believe she is ours and get to keep her.  Every cliche about motherhood I've ever heard is true...corny, but true =).

I can't believe I can survive on such little sleep and not care one bit.  She's a good (I say PERFECT) baby with a happy disposition but she definitely has her days and nights confused so her fussy time (not really that bad but compared to her angelic daytime self but more troublesome) is from 10 pm - 3am but we don't care!  Feeding is the hardest part and I'm just saying that I don't like breastfeeding.  I don't have a huge milk supply and am feeling pressure to perform for her and that sucks.  We are supplementing with formula.  They say my milk will increase but it's already 9 days...we'll see.  If I can't sustain, i won't be upset.  I just want her fed and happy.

I'll give more details another day...for now, here she is...my love.

Here we go!!!

37w5d

My water broke!!!  I got up to pee at around 4:45 am and GUSH!  And it hasn't stopped gushing since!  It was pink at first but now a nice clear, normal color.  We're leaving for the hospital as soon as Russ finishes eating a hot dog - haha!!!  He needs to build his strength.  I'm trying to stall to wait for my parents but we'll see if that happens or not... Probably won't be able to post for a while, so this is it until after she gets here!!!