Man, I want this

Had a wonderful morning with fabulous husband, Russ...Started at my weight watchers meeting (he ran errands while I went to the center for the weigh in and meeting).  I lost 3.4 pounds this week!  Yay me.  Honestly I hoped for more, but can I really complain?  No.  I have to say though that I really didn't eat much this week so it's no wonder I lost.  I wasn't hungry though either, so that's what matters I guess.  Keep on keepin on.

Can I digress for one second?  Can I tell you that I ate a Snickers bar the other day under absolutely no suspicious circumstances.  Usually I wolf one down in the car after a visit to the grocery store.  I hide the wrapper someplace in my car so Russ can't find it.  This time I accounted for the Snickers (5 points for an almond one) and ate it in full view of the world and Russ.  It wasn't nearly as satisfying as others have been in the past.  Hmm.

So after the meeting we went to the farmers market that's held every Saturday.  I had it all planned out to get a Nutella crepe that they make there and man!  It was better than I could have ever expected.  MmmmmMm!  It's like a festival atmosphere with vegetable stands and bakeries set up.  I love it!  Families are everywhere and it's just a good vibe that I can't get enough of.  So I say to Russ, "When we have a family, I think we should come here every week together to get vegetables and other good things."  And Russ said "We are a family and we can come here every week."  He's good for perspective isn't he?  He's absolutely right (as always, it gets a little annoying sometimes doesn't it?).  We are a family regardless of what happens.  So of course that got me a little misty...that comes easy these days. 

As we walked, we noticed two little Asian girls, maybe 3 years old.  They were twins and their parents were white so we assumed that they were adopted.  We spoke and joked a little about going up to them to ask questions about what the adoption process was like and if it was "worth it" (totally kidding).  Anyway, we walk a little further and suddenly I feel this little hand grab mine.  My heart melted!!!  I looked down and it was one of the twins.  She obviously thought I was her mom for a minute and when she saw she looked terrified.  (I remember this exact thing happening to me when I was little - I saw some hairy legs and thought it was my dad and it so wasn't.  I was horrified).  So I just told her it was OK and showed her where her mom was.  I told Russ what happened and a few seconds later I'm all misty again!  And I think that I need to be very honest with myself.  I want that.  I want a little girl to mindlessly put her hand up looking for the security that her mom can provide.  I spend so much time telling myself that "It'll be OK no matter what happens" I think I've never allowed myself to really want this.  Now of course I want it (motherhood), but I really have protected my heart by not allowing it to get set on this whole baby thing.  That little girl broke through that in one half-second!  Man I want this.  I forgot how much.  Crap.  It's going to really suck if it doesn't work.

What happened to spellcheck?  Seriously it's disappeared.  Again I apologize.

Can I lose 50 poounds in 5 weeks???

So I have approximately 5 weeks before they'll transfer any embryos/blastocysts to me (assuming all goes well). So in an attempt to get healthy before the triplets come =) I joined weight watchers. No one knows this, so hush hush please. I hate being scrutinized every time I eat when people know you're doing WW. Plus my beloved boss is on WW and I really don't need to bond with her like that. So the big question is, can I lose 50 pounds in 5 weeks???

That would be a no. But maybe 10 or 15?

Anyway, it is confirmed that I currently weigh more that I ever have in my life. When we asked Dr. Browne what we can do to help our chances, she said absolutely nothing about my weight and commented that we're both very healthy. I wanted to ask her if she'd looked at me lately (as she was sitting across from me at her table) because clearly I am not at a healthy weight. And, let's be frank, this woman has seen me naked and knows the real deal (not just from regular visits, but from my surgery when she had to make incisions into my fat belly - she knows all the details that lie under there). Anyway, she didn't suggest losing weight and while I would love to think that means I'm healthy, I know that can't be true. Losing weight HAS TO help this process. Plus with triplets coming =) I'll blow up bigger than anyone can imagine so the less I weigh before the better. I'm a dumb ass though for waiting so long. I should have started a month ago. I use IVF as an excuse. I figure if I'm going to get big and fat anyway when i get pregnant, what's the point of losing weight now. It's a ridiculous reasoning method that I use. Anything to allow the bad eating to continue.

I realize why I am FAT (I know that's a harsh word that overweight people don't like to use, but we need to get real here - no sugar coating the truth. Mmm....sugar...). Here are the main culprits:

1. I eat SIGNIFICANTLY more than normal people do. Considering how much I consume (or am capable of consuming) it is a wonder that I'm not 500 pounds. Seriously. I go out to dinner and see what normal people eat and I realize that I am not normal. At WW they talk about never being super full, just "satisfied". I usually eat until I feel sick. But then sometimes I eat my friends under the table and don't even feel that full. My capacity is HUGE.

2. I love food. I know everyone does, but seriously not as much as me. Is there "emotionally eating"? Sure. No doubt. I eat every emotion I have. Anger, sadness, loneliness are the obvious ones, but I also eat when I'm super happy and content. Everything revolves around food. People say that over eaters don't eat because of the food, they eat because they are filling a need that's unmet otherwise. While this might be true sometimes (though seriously I've been searching for my reasons and can't find them considering this has been a life long thing with me) I know that if someone told me I was going to die tomorrow, one of my main regrets would be that I didn't eat more donuts. Seriously. I'd be pissed that I ever ate well. It's all about the food.

Now I know I could go deeper into the whole psychological aspect of the eating thing. I'm choosing to stay right up here on surface, OK? If Dr. Phil ever wants to come over and figure this out, he's welcome to anytime. Oprah would say that I'll never be successful until I face the "demons" causing me to eat. Whatever. She's faced those demons a million times and can't get it right either. Girlfriend likes to eat. So do I.

So now I'm counting points. Fun. Wow. I'm pissed off about it but hopefully will get into it as I find my clothes start to fit me. Oh, did I not mention that part? Yeah, I have no pants that fit me. That's a problem. I mean I can get them on but the comfort level is not one that I'm willing to deal with. The other day I was confident that I was going to split my trouser jeans. I couldn't even lift my leg to get up the stairs. Weirdly they didn't look obscenely tight (I asked some reliable people) but they were. Plus I had my period. Good combo there.

OK, time for my yogurt. Wish me luck...

If only I could stop thinking...

Went to the doctor today...as expected all is good (OK, maybe I had fears that it would be bad news and I obsessed a little about what they would say, but...I guess I already knew that it was all good). She said that the last cycle looked great. 100% fertilization rate is excellent. I was worried that I only had 8 eggs, but she thinks that's fine. The big news? She wants to put 3 back next time! I'm SUPER excited about it!!! I really wanted 3 last time and I'm glad she's coming around. It does make me worried though that she thinks something is wrong with me and so she wants to put 3 because she' sure 2 won't do the trick (if only I could stop thinking, I'd be far better off).

We can't start until next month, assuming that insurance goes well. The cycle should be approved, but I'm not sure about the meds yet. They were optimistic about it so I guess I am too.

Are blogs the most narcissistic things ever? To think that I'm writing something that I have the audacity to think others would want to read about? Here I am! Pay attention to ME!!! That sounds about right actually now that I think about it. I can definitely be a bit attention-seeking in my behavior. That must be annoying to others.

Seriously, it's really just that all I want to do is read about people going through IVF and I can't find what I'm looking for so maybe someone will find this and find it helpful. I could talk about it all day. Thank God I have a friend who going through similar things. She's doing IUI but other than the procedures, it's all the same. She's starting her IUI cycle this week. It'll work this time.

So it'll be a month or so before we start the cycle. I guess that's a good thing. I can take time to get healthy again. I need to get off caffeine and artificial sweetener. Only need a week for that. Maybe I'm disappointed that we can't start right away. Stupid insurance.

My IVF Story...so far

So...I've gone through 3 IVF cycles unsuccessfully. After so many years of actively avoiding pregnancy, who would have thought I'd be going through all this crap to get pregnant. We've been trying for 5+ years...surgery in spring '08 left me with one fallopian tube which can barely grab an egg since there is a ton of scar tissue between it and my ovary. So natural pregnancy is nearly impossible. OK, so let's try IVF. By the way, I had always said that I would never go so far as to attempt IVF. Too invasive I said. I would never go through all that. Multiple shots per day? In my butt? Yeah, right. It's amazing what one will do when all other options are taken away. We quickly became prepared to do whatever it takes to get pregnant.

First IVF round was July '08. Fourteen eggs retrieved, 11 conceived naturally, 10 continued growing, 2 blastocysts were transferred to me on day 6. Twelve excruciating days of waiting. Nothing. That news hit hard and man was it difficult. I never dreamed it would be so hard. I could only think of friends who suffered miscarriages and wondered how they handled that. I wanted to do another cycle right away but insurance issues caused us to wait until 2009.

Cycle 2 was April '09. Let's try something different Dr. Browne (Shady Grove Fertility Center) said. Cool. Instead of Lupron, we did Ganirelix. The cycle seemed so much shorter. They got 12 eggs (I layed a dozen! my facebook status said) and all of them conceived. They transferred 2 blastocysts on day 5. Thirteen days later, we got the call. My HCG was 15. Positive result but it didn't look good. Come back in 2 days. HCG went up to 39 and we were ecstatic! Come back in 3 days. HCG was up over 100. Come back in 4 days for an ultrasound they said. Ultrasound showed that there nothing there. Maybe a teeny tiny sac but nothing that could be a normal pregnancy. Come back Monday though for another look. We grieved. Regardless of what they found we knew it wasn't a normal pregnancy so no baby. Monday confirmed it and my doctor called to tell me that this was it and I should stop all meds. I had to continue getting blood drawn so they could follow the levels until they were all the way down to zero. Great. It was 36 hours after I stopped meds that everything inside me poured out. Right in the middle of American Idol too. Thank goodness I was home. The sadness lasted for a few weeks and it was rough. I was worried my spirit was permanently broken. Luckily I came back and was ready to tackle another cycle.

Cycle 3 was July '09. No birth control this time, let's just start she said. Great! Only 8 eggs retrieved, all 8 conceived and grew. They transferred 2 embryos on day 3. Dr. Browne and I spoke about transferring 3 embryos...and I still wonder if we should have. It was another unsuccessful round. We found out on the day of our 10th wedding anniversary. We were on our way to a bed and breakfast to celebrate. I barely reacted to the news. A few moments of sadness and I realized we missed our exit and we were immediately distracted. I enjoyed getting off to turn around and stopping to find a diet Coke! I had been off caffeine and artificial sweetener all summer during the cycle, so this was a great treat.

So here we are. Three rounds down, who knows how many more we'll have to go. I have a meeting with Dr. Browne next week to game plan for our next round. We shall see...