So Thankful

14 weeks

We're getting ready to travel to Buffalo tomorrow for Sofia's big hometown debut!  I have never been more excited to travel home.  I can't wait to show her the house I grew up in and sleep in my room and just walk through that door with our precious baby girl! 

You might recall that last year, the holidays were ROUGH for me.  The day after Thanksgiving, I started my fifth and final IVF cycle and my parents had come down to spend the holiday with us.  I had a bleak outlook on that cycle because of the teeny tiny statistic (.5%) that it could be successful.  Then Christmas hit and I just wanted to forget about the holidays altogether.  The thought of traveling home once again childless was too much.  Relatives still comment about how depressed I was last year - and here I thought I was doing a good job of faking it!

All of that to say that I heard a Christmas song yesterday and bawled my eyes with joy as I thought about the holidays this year and how incredibly special this year will be.  We are so blessed and this Thanksgiving, I will be thankful for the greatest gift I could have ever received.

Here's baby girl looking cute with daddy...

Sorry it's not positioned the correct way - I thought it was...

Mr. Mom

I'm not trying to brag, but I just have to express how amazing my husband is and how much I wish she could be a stay at home dad.  Today is his fourth day home and he is loving it!  I come home from work and laundry is done, the house is clean and Sofia is happy. He's a natural.  AND?  He's letting me get LOTS of sleep.  Last night I went to bed at 7!  I was up in the night with him because Sofia was crying for some crazy reason from 1:30-2:00 am but then I was sent directly back to bed and slept until I had to get up at 5.  So, yes, I got 9 hours of sleep.  I could learn to get used to this!!!  I know the lack of sleep is going to catch up with him at some point, but he claims he is fine right now.  Remember that we don't sleep together right now - one of us (him) is always with Sofia because we're too damn nervous to leave her alone.  So his sleep quality is poor - he's sleeping on the chair in her room (a nice big chair, but still) or the couch.  He rocks!

In Sofia news, we really have to allow her to learn to fall asleep on her own and to sleep on her back.  She'll be sleeping so peacefully with us in our arms and then we put her down in her crib and she squirms and is restless and often wakes up.  I've read every book there is and I'm still not sure what to do.  The books assume we put her down, walk away and don't realize she's restless.  But we watch her (either right there in her room or through the video monitor) so we know when she's thrashing and try to comfort her.  Maybe it's ok to get restless sleep?  I don't know...

Day One: SUCCESS

One day down...thousands more to go!

So my first day back to work was really good!  Right now it's 2:30 and I'm getting ready to leave (our school day is from 7:25-2:10), go home and see my sweetie pies waiting for me there!

To be perfectly honest, today felt like a day of freedom.  It was so strange to not be thinking constantly about feeding Sofia or changing Sofia or being quiet while she sleeps.  It's not like those things are difficult or anything - in fact I love them.  It's just weird to not feel so totally responsible during these hours.  I actually got to shop on-line a little bit (shhh - don't tell!) and in general am having a happy day.  Perhaps it's the novelty of being out of the house and maybe it'll wear off, but so far so good.

I spoke to Russ earlier and he put the phone to Sofia's ear while I spoke to her and he said she looked very confused.  I can't wait to go home and kiss her!!!!

I'll leave you with a precious picture of my baby girl.

How did we get so lucky to have such a precious beautiful daughter?  I keep pinching myself and can't believe it's real.

Coming Clean

Sofia is 12 weeks and 3 days old

Today was my last day with Sofia.  I'm acting like I'm never going to see her again!  That's ridiculous.  I leave for work so freaking early (6:15 am) and she doesn't even get up until 8 or so and then goes right back for a nap.  I'll be home by 3:15 and for the next 6 weeks so will Russ - bonus!!  It will be fine.  I have no idea how I'd feel if I had the slightest option of staying home.  I feel like I'd want to work some, but given the option I'm not sure what I'd do.  I keep telling Sofia that I have to go to work Monday because I don't want her to be homeless. =)

I've been thinking a lot and coming to terms with some things and this seems like the appropriate place to discuss it.  I'm pretty sure that I'm battling some low-level form of post-partum depression.  I've come to this conclusion by listening to interviews that Oprah conducted with both Brooke Shields (and other mothers on that particular episode that I heard on satellite radio) and Marie Osmond today.  Since Sofia has come, I have overwhelming feelings of anxiety and isolation.  I feel happy, but scared and alone.  Sounds like an oxymoron, I know, but that's how I feel.  I thought that it was normal, but when I was unable to eat and practically dry heaving every morning, it occurred to me that I may have a problem.

When I went to Dr back in October she suggested I try some anti-anxiety meds.  I'm was hesitant and then finally agreed to a low dose of celexa.  Why am I so ashamed of this?  I work in the mental health field.  I'm a huge supporter of friends who need this type of help.  I guess I'm just not used to being the one who needs the help.  Since I started the meds, I do feel a lot better.  The anxiety especially has gone waaaay down and I'm no longer crying for no reason (I always blamed the crying on hormones though).  I still feel isolated but I think that's to be expected since I don't see adults most days until Russ comes home and then it's just for a few minutes and then I'm off to bed.

Anyway, I don't know why I didn't reveal this earlier on my blog.  Well, I do know why - I was embarrassed that I "couldn't handle it".  I know that's not really what's happening.  I know that these things have to do with chemicals in the brain, but after everything I've gone through to get here, I just couldn't admit that it wasn't perfect.  Sofia?  Oh, SHE'S perfect. =)  Her mama?  Not so much.

And I say all of that to say that I'm not dreading going to work Monday as much as I thought I would.  Sure, I let some tears go today thinking about this was our last day together at home, but I'm ready to go back. (Or I'm psyching myself up because I know I don't have a choice!)  I'm ready to feel in control again and to interact with the world.  I just wish I could bring baby girl with me =).

One Week Left

I go back to work in a week...November 15 to be exact.  And then maternity leave is over.  I will never get this time back. I will never have the chance to be with Sofia when my only purpose is to take care of her.  Sure I have summers off and holiday breaks, but it won't be the same.  I can't believe it's been 12 weeks already!  (Total of almost 13 weeks once I go back)  Was it everything i hoped it would be?

The first two weeks were such a blur, i barely remember a thing!  It seemed like our place was super busy with my parents here and lots of welcomed visitors.  The following weekend my best friends from home came to visit.  Then the isolation started.  Those first few weeks were just lonely.  Sofia only slept and ate - there was no play time then.  I would sit here just hoping that friends would come by and sometimes they would, but not as often as I had hoped.  In retrospect, i should have opened my mouth a little and actually invited friends over more.  Why do I expect people to read my mind?

So now i sit here and wonder if I've done enough with my time.  Have I read to her enough? Was there enough tummy time?  What about the TV?  Did i have it on too much?  I know it's not late for these things, but now my time with her will be limited and if I didn't get in enough reading now for instance, how can I possibly find the time in the future? 

I'm thankful for this time and am going to try to take this next and final week very slowly and appreciate every single happy, laughing, crying, pooping moment. 

Catching up

11 weeks 2 days

WOW - time has flown.  I can't believe it's been so long since I posted anything!!!  My bad.  I go back to work soon (boo!) and will be way more on top of blog world then. 

So, what's happening in the world of Sofia?  She's as sweet as ever...  Her two month check was good.  She's in the 95th percentile for height and weight (thank goodness she's proportioned!!), so we will have a big girl!  She's wearing 3 month clothes, except for her plain white onsies which are now 6 month.  She wears these under her swaddles and, now that it's colder, under some of her outfits.  Soon she'll transition to more of her 3-6 or 6 month stuff - seems like she barely got to wear some of her things!

Eating/Digestion:  She is currently eating Enfamil Nutramigen formula due to what appeared to be terrible abdominal pain and scaly skin on her face (sign of milk allergy)...I'm not totally convinced that it was the answer except for that her face cleared up beautifully and some of her pain went away.  THEN, she began screaming with her bottle and the dr had told us to look out for that because she thought her symptoms sounded like acid reflux (something I think is waaayy over diagnosed in infants).  So i called the dr and she prescribed Zantac which almost immediately stopped her writhing in pain symptoms.  So between the two, we're in good shape.  EXCEPT for that she's started this evening thing where anytime between 5:30 and 7:30 she starts screaming and nothing helps her except sitting in the bathroom with the shower on.  She had done it once or twice in the past, but it's become more frequent lately.  Not sure if it's connected to the other things or not.  She just seems overtired. 

Sleeping:  She is currently sleeping on our couch in a sleep positioner with me or Russ sitting or laying next to her.  I know it sounds crazy, but it works for us right now and I feel it's a good step since she at least isn't sleeping right on top of us.  The routine goes like this:  Russ takes over when he gets home from work and we eat and then I get sent to bed to sleep soundly for a few hours before I'm on duty.  Typically I go to bed between 7 and 8:30 (the earlier the better) and sleep until 1 or 2 am at the latest.  Then I take over and Russ goes to bed (he gets up for work at around 8).  Some have asked why we don't just have her in our bed and our reason is because we feel it's important to get some really good sleep without interruption.  Things will have to change soon since I'll be going back to work and Russ will be staying home, but we'll figure that out then.  My suspicion is that Russ will still let me get lots of sleep since I tend to need it more than he does. 

Everytyhing is going really well.  I still have days when I feel really lonely and isolated, but I suppose that's normal.  I wish I had more friends who were home with their kids.  In some ways I'm looking forward to going back to work, but mostly I'm sad about it.  The good thing is that I can be home by 3:15 pm and every day Russ will be there (until January) and we'll have nice family time.

Here are some pictures from the past few days:

For Halloween she was a daisy! We didn't get a great shot of her awake - probably need to throw the costume on her this weekend and get some better pics!

I love this picture!  She always puts her arms up like this when she's sleeping and it's sooo cute!

OK, how crazy cute is this hat??

They gave her a special sticker when we voted yesterday...and another cute hat - this one a nice, warm one.