Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Full Circle

The bill came in the mail the other day for our frozen embryo storage.  It costs $360 a year to store our two little embies.  360, full circle.  Basically a dollar a day.  It's less than I thought it was going to be.  It's weird to be paying for a bill like that - as if we're storing our holiday decorations or furniture we can't fit in our place. We're storing potential people.  Weird.

And it brings me to what I've been thinking about a lot lately.  What are we going to do with those two little guys?  At this time, we aren't interested in another baby.  I realize that could change, but we're very happy with our one little baby girl and life is very manageable both logistically and financially.  Another baby?  We can't imagine it. 

Then there's those two embryos.  What to do?  I can't thow them away.  Russ says we should donate them to an infertile couple (not even sure if that's an option).  But those are OUR babies.  It's not like egg or sperm donation.  This would be our baby!  I'm not sure I can do that.  But are they better off in a freezer?  The ethical dilema is mounting. 

So what to do?  Wait.  I'm sure that a year from now I'll have more clarity about what I want to do.  For now $360 a year to keep our options open is a small price to pay.

Friday, March 18, 2011

7 Months!!!

Baby girl hit the big 7 month mark yesterday.  Oh, my big girl!!!  I thought I'd do a rundown on the stuff she is doing these days:

-  Movement:  Not sure how she does, but she's moving all around without actually crawling or even rolling that much.  She just scooches and wiggles and she's all over the place.  Yesterday, I left her on the floor for literally 60-90 seconds to go into the kitchen and when I came back I found her under the couch!
 (someone explain to me why all my pictures are sideways!  Ugh!)  Is she cute or what?
I do believe the crawling will happen any day now and I am crazy thinking about the baby-proofing that has not happened (as evidenced by the cords dangling just inches from her throat in the above pic)

She is standing very solidly while holding on to us or the couch or ottoman.  She is also slapping her hands/arms on her legs and can even to it to a beat if I lead her.  She is sitting up on her own and is not toppling over hardly at all any more.  She doesn't get to a sitting position her own yet but she is almost there.

Talking/Noise:  Girlfriend likes to shriek!  And make all kinds of noises.  Sometimes it sounds like she's saying "yeah" at appropriate times and I swear she is!  If one to hear some of the noises she makes, they might think she's in distress, but it's just her playing with her voice.  I'm hearing all kinds of sounds, though nothing that sounds like an actual word aside from the "yeah".

Eating/Drinking:  Sofia is still on her Nutramigen formula and stage 1/2 baby foods.  She LOVES mangoes and pears the best.  Sweet potatoes is another favorite along with combos that include spinach.  She also eats a multi-grain organic cereal twice a day.   I haven't tried anything else like pasta or mashed potatoes, but I think we will soon.  We tried the puffs recently and at first she HATED them and acted like we were torturing her - literally cried.  We tried it again and she's ok with them.  I gave her a num-num biscuit and she was leery of it and ate some.  She LOVES to drink water from our glass.  I think she likes the cold glass against her mouth.  She can take a sip pretty easily.  She can also use a straw when she feels like it - very inconsistent there.  We've given her grits at restaurants and also some ice cream.

Teeth:  Not yet, but she's been drooling like a fool for months!  When are these teeth coming???

Sleep:  Napping on her own at the babysitters.  Napping on us at home.  Along with sleeping on daddy all night.  We're making progress though.  She no longer needs any rocking or motion to get to sleep.  We go in her room, turn on the white noise, lay in the chair and she is asleep within a minute.  It's great!  We can then put her in the crib and she'll stay asleep for a while, but once she wakes up she wants us to hold her.  I feel optimistic because I believe she has learned to fall asleep herself (as evidenced by her ability to do it at Doris's and no longer needing motion to fall asleep).  I think the next step will be her staying in her crib longer and then doing it all on her own.  We'll get there!

Personality:  She is the funniest baby ever!  She laughs and smiles all the time!!!  She rarely cries.  This week, I think I've seen actual tears once and that was when we accidentally smashed her fingers in the canopy of her stroller.  She shouts when she's hungry, but she just doesn't cry.  She's never, ever woken up crying.  We're really lucky.

Activities:  She LOVES to watch TV.  I'm embarrassed.  I really didn't want her to watch much, but she laughs and loves it.  She literally watched all of american idol (on DVR) the other day and didn't make a move or a peep the whole time!  Plus she loves  everything on Nick Jr.  She loves to jump in her jumperoo and she loves to go for walks.  I don't love that we now don't get to see her face on walks because she's not in her car seat anymore, she's in the stroller.  I miss seeing her face. 

Is there anything else?  I'm sure there is....  Most important, she is well loved!!!!  My baby girl.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

How soon they forget...

People are funny.  Didn't I just go through 5 years of infetility?  Didn't people witness me being very open about our sturggle and then witness the aftermath of 4 BFN?  Did everyone just forget about all that?  Because people won't stop asking me if we're ready for another one!  I don't mean to be rude, but are these people dumb?  They act like I now have some sort of baby making potion.  It is as if none of that infertility stuff ever happened.

And so therein lies the struggle between holding on to my IF roots and being treated normal.  I don't mind being treated like a normal girl, but it makes for an awkward discussion.  I am forced to say "Well.....I'm not really sure how that would know....since I'm broken and all."  True, I have two little babies in the freezer, but more on that later.  Clearly, I have exhausted my resources for funding another IVF cycle.  But that's when they get really excited and tell me about how every single person they know who went through infertility treatment miraculously became pregnant naturally after they had their first.  While I know that these stories exist, I will not be one of them.  I basically have no fallopian tubes.  This baby would truly be a miracle.  And I'm not sure I'm ready for the responsibility that goes along with such a miracle because the divine intervention necessary for it could be a bit intimidating.

So I'm back to smiling and saying "We'll see..." when I don't feel like getting into it.  Once an IFer, always an IFer.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Photograph of my mind

Oh my baby girl!  Allow me to gush...

Sofia is the happiest, silliest, most peaceful, loving baby in the world.  How did we get so lucky?  She is a dream come true that I never even had the audacity to dream of. I get to be her mom forever? What a PRIVILEGE. 

Baby girl has just been extra crazy cute lately and it fills me with bursting joy.  She literally smiles or laughs every moment she's awake.  Gushing will stop now.  Or at least I'll try. (Notice I didn't even mention once how BEAUTIFUL she is?)

I've had some new readers on my blog lately (a dear co-worker and family) and they've been going back and reading some of my early posts.  This prompted me to go back and read my story from the beginning.  In a word - wow.  There's comfort in knowing that I was always crazy =) , but man how did you people put up with my ups and downs and doom and gloom?  Thanks for hanging in there.  What I realized most from rereading my blog is that I'm really writing this for me.  What a wonderful way to document a significant time in my life.  I realized that not only do I need to blog more, but I have to tell my story - the good, the bad, the beautiful.  So hopefully, I'll take the time to write more and to focus on the ways our family is growing and learning.  I'd like to think of it of a photograph of my mind that will help me remember this time.  Let's hope I follow through.

To be honest, rereading some of my entries made me laugh out loud and cry.  I had forgotten some things, particulalry how I described finding out IVF might be our only chance.  I said that I "howled" outside the door waiting for the elevator and that is so true.  I hate thinking about it, but it was an awful, unexpected moment.  It reminded me of how far we've come.  It helped me remember that miracles happen.  Is there something bigger than a miracle?  If there is, I've got it.  She's beyond a miracle.  She is joy and love personified. 

Gushed again.  My bad.