Sofia is 12 weeks and 3 days old
Today was my last day with Sofia. I'm acting like I'm never going to see her again! That's ridiculous. I leave for work so freaking early (6:15 am) and she doesn't even get up until 8 or so and then goes right back for a nap. I'll be home by 3:15 and for the next 6 weeks so will Russ - bonus!! It will be fine. I have no idea how I'd feel if I had the slightest option of staying home. I feel like I'd want to work some, but given the option I'm not sure what I'd do. I keep telling Sofia that I have to go to work Monday because I don't want her to be homeless. =)
I've been thinking a lot and coming to terms with some things and this seems like the appropriate place to discuss it. I'm pretty sure that I'm battling some low-level form of post-partum depression. I've come to this conclusion by listening to interviews that Oprah conducted with both Brooke Shields (and other mothers on that particular episode that I heard on satellite radio) and Marie Osmond today. Since Sofia has come, I have overwhelming feelings of anxiety and isolation. I feel happy, but scared and alone. Sounds like an oxymoron, I know, but that's how I feel. I thought that it was normal, but when I was unable to eat and practically dry heaving every morning, it occurred to me that I may have a problem.
When I went to Dr back in October she suggested I try some anti-anxiety meds. I'm was hesitant and then finally agreed to a low dose of celexa. Why am I so ashamed of this? I work in the mental health field. I'm a huge supporter of friends who need this type of help. I guess I'm just not used to being the one who needs the help. Since I started the meds, I do feel a lot better. The anxiety especially has gone waaaay down and I'm no longer crying for no reason (I always blamed the crying on hormones though). I still feel isolated but I think that's to be expected since I don't see adults most days until Russ comes home and then it's just for a few minutes and then I'm off to bed.
Anyway, I don't know why I didn't reveal this earlier on my blog. Well, I do know why - I was embarrassed that I "couldn't handle it". I know that's not really what's happening. I know that these things have to do with chemicals in the brain, but after everything I've gone through to get here, I just couldn't admit that it wasn't perfect. Sofia? Oh, SHE'S perfect. =) Her mama? Not so much.
And I say all of that to say that I'm not dreading going to work Monday as much as I thought I would. Sure, I let some tears go today thinking about this was our last day together at home, but I'm ready to go back. (Or I'm psyching myself up because I know I don't have a choice!) I'm ready to feel in control again and to interact with the world. I just wish I could bring baby girl with me =).