Friday, November 12, 2010

Coming Clean

Sofia is 12 weeks and 3 days old

Today was my last day with Sofia.  I'm acting like I'm never going to see her again!  That's ridiculous.  I leave for work so freaking early (6:15 am) and she doesn't even get up until 8 or so and then goes right back for a nap.  I'll be home by 3:15 and for the next 6 weeks so will Russ - bonus!!  It will be fine.  I have no idea how I'd feel if I had the slightest option of staying home.  I feel like I'd want to work some, but given the option I'm not sure what I'd do.  I keep telling Sofia that I have to go to work Monday because I don't want her to be homeless. =)

I've been thinking a lot and coming to terms with some things and this seems like the appropriate place to discuss it.  I'm pretty sure that I'm battling some low-level form of post-partum depression.  I've come to this conclusion by listening to interviews that Oprah conducted with both Brooke Shields (and other mothers on that particular episode that I heard on satellite radio) and Marie Osmond today.  Since Sofia has come, I have overwhelming feelings of anxiety and isolation.  I feel happy, but scared and alone.  Sounds like an oxymoron, I know, but that's how I feel.  I thought that it was normal, but when I was unable to eat and practically dry heaving every morning, it occurred to me that I may have a problem.

When I went to Dr back in October she suggested I try some anti-anxiety meds.  I'm was hesitant and then finally agreed to a low dose of celexa.  Why am I so ashamed of this?  I work in the mental health field.  I'm a huge supporter of friends who need this type of help.  I guess I'm just not used to being the one who needs the help.  Since I started the meds, I do feel a lot better.  The anxiety especially has gone waaaay down and I'm no longer crying for no reason (I always blamed the crying on hormones though).  I still feel isolated but I think that's to be expected since I don't see adults most days until Russ comes home and then it's just for a few minutes and then I'm off to bed.

Anyway, I don't know why I didn't reveal this earlier on my blog.  Well, I do know why - I was embarrassed that I "couldn't handle it".  I know that's not really what's happening.  I know that these things have to do with chemicals in the brain, but after everything I've gone through to get here, I just couldn't admit that it wasn't perfect.  Sofia?  Oh, SHE'S perfect. =)  Her mama?  Not so much.

And I say all of that to say that I'm not dreading going to work Monday as much as I thought I would.  Sure, I let some tears go today thinking about this was our last day together at home, but I'm ready to go back. (Or I'm psyching myself up because I know I don't have a choice!)  I'm ready to feel in control again and to interact with the world.  I just wish I could bring baby girl with me =).


  1. Wow, I can't believe it's been 12 weeks!! Thank you for 'coming clean' because there are lots of women out there who are going through the same thing you are. There is no shame in it at all.

    I'm sure Monday will be bitter sweet for you and I hope and pray that you will be able to find the balance you need. Have a great weekend!

  2. I'm pretty sure that I've never posted a comment on your blog before.. but this time I felt the need. =)

    I am 35 1/2 weeks pregnant with my first baby and recently had to start taking Zoloft for anxiety, panic attacks and depression. It has helped SOOOO much... but just like you, I was reluctant to take anything while I'm pregnant. But, my anxiety/depression was getting to the point of suicidal thoughts.. so I HAD to do SOMETHING.

    And I'm glad that I did. I'm glad that you got help too.

    We tried for almost 3 years for this little boy that I'm growing.. I wanted to be pregnant and have a child SO bad. And everyone around me knew that. So, it was really hard for me to finally crumble down to the point of being honest and letting people know that I wasnt as happy as my family and friends expected me to be now that I FINALLY got pregnant. Everyone (including myself) expected me to be so darn excited.. but the truth was that I was NOT happy. I felt so anxious that I also could not eat or sleep. I couldnt even smile for my husband. =(

    Its hard to admit that everything isnt going perfectly, especially when you've tried so hard for this child that you now have! But, there are so many women who feel the way that you do(both of my sisters had post partum). And I honestly think that it will really help you to get back out into the world for a change in your schedule. I am planning on being a stay at home mom.. but to be completely honest.. I will probably need to get out and do something part time just to not feel isolated like you feel.

    Anyway.. sorry this is getting so long.. but I wanted you to know that you WILL be okay, nobody expects you to be perfect, and that I understand how you feel!

    Hang in there girl. God bless. XOXO

  3. Yay for telling the truth! I believe many women suffer silently with these feelings because they're too afraid to talk about it.
    I'd feel guilty for crying after Paisley came because I felt unappreciative. Here I was with this perfect miracle and I'd feel sad/lonely/ overwhelmed. You said it perfect when you said Sofia is perfect. Very true. Sometimes we just need a hand.

    Good luck with work. Hopefully it will give you the perfect balance so you don't feel as lonely. :)

  4. I think you're brave to talk about your post-partum anxiety. It can be so helpful to other women out there to see that they aren't alone. I am sorry you're going through this, but the fact that you recognize it and are dealing with it head on says a lot about your determination to heal and how great of a mother you are! You love Sofia so much, that is so obvious. I hope things begin to improve. Perhaps going back to work will help -- just getting out and being in your old environment might help put you at ease. *hugs*

  5. You are Brave to let it out! I hope that you're able to find yourself again!! Best wishes for your return to work!! XOX (Sorry I'm a bad bloggy friend these days with no commenting. I will try to do more, but please know that I'm always following you and I think of you often!!)