Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Home Alone!

Actually it's more like home with Sofia....which is very, very different than being home alone. Point is Russ is away in Kansas until Sunday. I'm on my own! My greatest fear realized =) and I'm going alright.  Probably because he just left this morning.  Ask me tomorrow.  Seriously, I know I'll be fine.  My friend Cindy is flying in tomorrow to hang out with us so that I'll have back up just in case I have a break down.  You never know...

I am a little concerned about how we'll sleep over the next 4 nights.  I'm not as good a chair sleeper as her daddy is....perhaps she'll be forced into the crib.  But then again I need to sleep for work.  We'll see.

Sofia had her 9 month appt yesterday along with her 9 month birthday.  Man! She's getting OLD.  She is 22 pounds, 12 ounces (96%tile) and 29 and 3/8 inches (97%tile).  Oh my big girl!!!  Her growth is consistent and the dr said it will start to slow down now.  She had one shot - her final hep B and then they did a blood draw.  Ick.  Sofia didn't shed one tear, although she definitely got annoyed with the nurse squeezing the blood out of her little finger.

The dr also told us that shoes don't really matter - no sense in buying a $50 pair.  She said anything that's soft-soled and not too rigid is fine.  She said the point of shoes is to protect feet from pavement and cold. Bare feet learn to walk best, so when inside it's bare feet all the way.

Baby girl is moving!!!!  She is standing up almost completely on her own!  She has to grab something for a little leverage, but that won't be for long.  Once she's up, she thinks she can let go but she quickly falls over.  Such confidence she has though!!  People keep telling me that she'll walk soon.  Yikes.  Not ready for that.  Her crawling is great, though she mostly crawls so that she can get to things to help her stand.  She slips on our hard wood floors sometimes too.

We need to start her on more foods, but I'm so afraid of choking!  I love that she's happily eating her stage 2 meats, fruits, and veggies along with her multi-grain cereal.  She loves Mum-Mum biscuits and we give her puffs but she isn't crazy about them and can't get them in her mouth - though I'm not sure she's tried.  She just throws them on the floor.  I gave her a bite of my banana yesterday and she thought it was alright.  Dr says to give her pieces of food about the size of a rice crispie - so small!  Better safe.

On a different note, does anyone remember my friend that was going through IF with me a couple summers ago?  We had our beta tests on the same day in July 2009.  We both had BFN and she did one more unsuccessful IUI before calling it quits, deciding she would live child free.  And husband free.  She made some big changes in her life and decided to leave her comfortable, but unfulfilling marriage to go out on her own and discover happiness.  Well, she sure did!!  She met the man of her dreams and is happier than almost anyone I know.  And guess what else?  She's pregnant!  Conceived naturally.  If that isn't the universe working it's magic, i don't know what is.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

New Day, New Way

Sorry for yesterday...  I was a mess.  Perhaps it was Blue Monday (the Monday before my period has always been a problem for me).  To be honest, I've lost track of my periods.  Is it awful to say that I want to become menopausal?  I know the process can be a train wreck, but I'm ready to not worry about these things anymore. 

I talked out my issues from Mother's Day with a colleague and realized some things and got my perspective back together.  A good friend pointed out that many new moms (especially where I grew up) have a huge support system to include their moms, aunts, siblings, cousins, etc.  If I lived at home, I'd have that.  He pointed out that I have no one except my husband, so I am doing a lot.  Great point.  I love him (my wise friend).

Yesterday I discovered my first gray hair!!  I realize that getting to 37 without experiencing this yet is pretty good, so I'm not complaining, but I kinda liked not having to worry about that.  Not that I'm worried yet - and let's be honest, I haven't not-dyed my hair ever in my life, so covering the suckers won't be a problem. 

Today I went to the Dr.  Did you know that my pesky liver is still giving me trouble?  Yep, those enzymes are still high.  He is fairly sure that it is due to "fatty liver" (such an attractive sounds ailment) and that losing weight will help.  He actually prescribed me to lose 20 pounds.  This is the first time that a doctor has actually told me to lose weight.  I hope I take it seriously and do it.  I'm using the Lose It app on my phone.  Russ has been using it for a while and he's lost 18 pounds (well, la-di-da for him, right? =) Why is it so easy for him? ugh...).  And I know that losing weight will help hold off diabetes too.  Not too mention that I'll become a hot mom which is what I've always wanted to be! =)  (sort of..I mean it can't be a bad thing, right?)

Now on to Sofia world.  Baby girl is BUSY!  All of the sudden, she is all over the place and won't sit still.  She is having so much fun!!!  She is pulling up like crazy and I'm sure she will walk waaaay before we're ready for her to.  Have I mentioned she's wearing mostly 18 month clothes?  They are roomy, but I can't stand when her stuff gets small.  No offense to other moms/babies out there, but I just think in general people put babies in clothes that are too small.  Things generally look nicer when there's room to move.  Also, not sure if I've mentioned this before, but we've transitioned to jammies!  No more sleepers for our girl.  She's in real pajamas and I love it!  They're so cute!  My friend told me that she preferred PJs over sleepers and I didn't get it, but now I do too.  Only issue is cold feet, but since she sleeps with Russ, it's not big deal.  If she were on her own in the crib, I'm not sure what I do about it.  We haven't had to use her wearable blanket yet, but maybe that's what we'd do.

We're transitioning her formula from all Nutramigen ($33) a can (we go through almost 3 can a week) to generic brand Gentle Ease ($15 a can!!).  Let's hope she tolerates it well.  Today she got 1/4 Gentle Ease....

In food news, she's eating lots of different things, but not much table food yet.  I need to try and give her more stuff, but I get worried that she'll choke even though I give her the smallest possible pieces.  She makes the best faces when she tries new things! You'd think we're giving her poison.  But then she ends up eating it and loving it.  She still has NO TEETH!

In one week, she'll be 9 months old!!!! And she'll have her 9 month check up on the 17th as well...  It's been so long since we've been to the pediatrician, so I'm looking forward to that.

Lastly, next week Russ is out of town for 4 nights next week.  I'm nervous.  My friend is coming to stay with us because I have anxiety.  I know, I'm crazy.  I just worry that I'll be dead tired and she'll have a fit and I won't be able to handle it because I'm so tired.  I know we'll be fine........... =)

Monday, May 9, 2011

No Supermom

Warning: I think I'm hormonal today.  Not sure what's about to come out, but just know that you've been warned.

OK, so it was my first Mother's Day.  Let me start by saying that I sort of think holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day are silly.  I mean I celebrate them and all, but I realize that they are manufactured holidays and mostly mean that there is a gift obligation in there somewhere.  My husband and I had agreed that these days would be gift-free and just about doing whatever the parent of the day wanted to do. Then I decided that what I wanted to do was have Sofia pick out a charm for my Pandora bracelet. So we went to church, had lunch at our favorite Italian restaurant and then went to the Pandora store where I picked out 5 charms that I liked.  We then put them out in front of Sofia and she chose the one that we bought. So sweet that she picked out the charm!  That was fun and super cute.  It was a great day - don't get me wrong. (and side note, I've already gotten Russ his Father's Day gifts from Sofia, so obviously I'm breaking my own imposed rule 2 fold...go figure)  It was a lovely day. (Incidentally, past mother's days haven't been horrible for me either...for some reason it never bothered me to think about mother's day and not being a mom. I think it may have to do with being far away from my mom or maybe because it's always been all about my mom so it's not like anything had changed, I don't know. Point is that while other people made a big deal out of it for me, I wasn't all emotional about finally being able to celebrate after all those years of trying. Strange since I get emotional over everything else.  I honestly felt more emotional at Christmas and my birthday about being able to spend it with Sofia.  Maybe it goes back to me thinking Mother's Day is silly?  Am I rambling?  Did you not read my warning?)

Here's the thing.  I feel like an impostor.  I mean I know I'm a mom, but I don't feel like I deserve all of credit. I'm not looking for "yes you do, don't be silly..." encouraging statements here, I'm just trying to figure out how I feel and wondering why yesterday wasn't the greatest day ever (though it was really good!).  I think I'm struggling with the fact that I'm not supermom.  I'm a great mom, but I certainly don't do it alone. So this day where mom gets pampered and celebrated because of all the hard work she does every day just doesn't seem appropriate for me.  And it's not like i couldn't be super mom - maybe I could.  I don't have to be, though, and I think that's the thing.  I have the greatest (literally) husband ever.  I have the BEST day care provider.  Without these two loving, caring, dedicated people I don't where I'd be.  Russ DEFINITELY does more than I do for Sofia and our household.  I do a lot, but he does more.  I didn't need a "break" yesterday to sleep in or not do housework. Russ consistently gives me sleep and does a ton around the house, usually more than i do.  Doris loves Sofia and cares about her and is helping her grow and learn when I can't be there. I trust that she's doing all of the things that I would do (and probably more).  So, please hear me.  I'm not giving myself a pity party because I'm not mom of the year according to traditional definitions.  I'm recognizing that I'm in a position where I'm not expected to do it all and I don't do it all.  And that's OK.  I don't feel a bit of guilt about the support I have.  I don't have any guilt about not being with Sofia every morning while Russ gets up with her and gets her ready to go. I don't feel a bit of guilt about not being with her all day.  I know that I'm the best I can be because of these people in Sofia's life. 

And sooooo......I guess I need to accept being celebrated for the mom that I am and not for the mom that society thinks moms should be.  And I deserve to be celebrated because I'm a great mom! 

Thanks for letting me process all of that here.  I kinda wish I had come up with this conclusion yesterday so that I could had a more giddy day.  There's always next year...

Lastly, to my IF sisters out there still on their journey.... I know yesterday may have been difficult.  Good news is that it's over! And your babies are their way to you.  I wish I could tell you when - it's the waiting and not knowing that gets to you.  It is going to happen.  Know that it will.  Much love to you.