Man, I want this

Had a wonderful morning with fabulous husband, Russ...Started at my weight watchers meeting (he ran errands while I went to the center for the weigh in and meeting).  I lost 3.4 pounds this week!  Yay me.  Honestly I hoped for more, but can I really complain?  No.  I have to say though that I really didn't eat much this week so it's no wonder I lost.  I wasn't hungry though either, so that's what matters I guess.  Keep on keepin on.

Can I digress for one second?  Can I tell you that I ate a Snickers bar the other day under absolutely no suspicious circumstances.  Usually I wolf one down in the car after a visit to the grocery store.  I hide the wrapper someplace in my car so Russ can't find it.  This time I accounted for the Snickers (5 points for an almond one) and ate it in full view of the world and Russ.  It wasn't nearly as satisfying as others have been in the past.  Hmm.

So after the meeting we went to the farmers market that's held every Saturday.  I had it all planned out to get a Nutella crepe that they make there and man!  It was better than I could have ever expected.  MmmmmMm!  It's like a festival atmosphere with vegetable stands and bakeries set up.  I love it!  Families are everywhere and it's just a good vibe that I can't get enough of.  So I say to Russ, "When we have a family, I think we should come here every week together to get vegetables and other good things."  And Russ said "We are a family and we can come here every week."  He's good for perspective isn't he?  He's absolutely right (as always, it gets a little annoying sometimes doesn't it?).  We are a family regardless of what happens.  So of course that got me a little misty...that comes easy these days. 

As we walked, we noticed two little Asian girls, maybe 3 years old.  They were twins and their parents were white so we assumed that they were adopted.  We spoke and joked a little about going up to them to ask questions about what the adoption process was like and if it was "worth it" (totally kidding).  Anyway, we walk a little further and suddenly I feel this little hand grab mine.  My heart melted!!!  I looked down and it was one of the twins.  She obviously thought I was her mom for a minute and when she saw she looked terrified.  (I remember this exact thing happening to me when I was little - I saw some hairy legs and thought it was my dad and it so wasn't.  I was horrified).  So I just told her it was OK and showed her where her mom was.  I told Russ what happened and a few seconds later I'm all misty again!  And I think that I need to be very honest with myself.  I want that.  I want a little girl to mindlessly put her hand up looking for the security that her mom can provide.  I spend so much time telling myself that "It'll be OK no matter what happens" I think I've never allowed myself to really want this.  Now of course I want it (motherhood), but I really have protected my heart by not allowing it to get set on this whole baby thing.  That little girl broke through that in one half-second!  Man I want this.  I forgot how much.  Crap.  It's going to really suck if it doesn't work.

What happened to spellcheck?  Seriously it's disappeared.  Again I apologize.

My IVF Story...so far

So...I've gone through 3 IVF cycles unsuccessfully. After so many years of actively avoiding pregnancy, who would have thought I'd be going through all this crap to get pregnant. We've been trying for 5+ years...surgery in spring '08 left me with one fallopian tube which can barely grab an egg since there is a ton of scar tissue between it and my ovary. So natural pregnancy is nearly impossible. OK, so let's try IVF. By the way, I had always said that I would never go so far as to attempt IVF. Too invasive I said. I would never go through all that. Multiple shots per day? In my butt? Yeah, right. It's amazing what one will do when all other options are taken away. We quickly became prepared to do whatever it takes to get pregnant.

First IVF round was July '08. Fourteen eggs retrieved, 11 conceived naturally, 10 continued growing, 2 blastocysts were transferred to me on day 6. Twelve excruciating days of waiting. Nothing. That news hit hard and man was it difficult. I never dreamed it would be so hard. I could only think of friends who suffered miscarriages and wondered how they handled that. I wanted to do another cycle right away but insurance issues caused us to wait until 2009.

Cycle 2 was April '09. Let's try something different Dr. Browne (Shady Grove Fertility Center) said. Cool. Instead of Lupron, we did Ganirelix. The cycle seemed so much shorter. They got 12 eggs (I layed a dozen! my facebook status said) and all of them conceived. They transferred 2 blastocysts on day 5. Thirteen days later, we got the call. My HCG was 15. Positive result but it didn't look good. Come back in 2 days. HCG went up to 39 and we were ecstatic! Come back in 3 days. HCG was up over 100. Come back in 4 days for an ultrasound they said. Ultrasound showed that there nothing there. Maybe a teeny tiny sac but nothing that could be a normal pregnancy. Come back Monday though for another look. We grieved. Regardless of what they found we knew it wasn't a normal pregnancy so no baby. Monday confirmed it and my doctor called to tell me that this was it and I should stop all meds. I had to continue getting blood drawn so they could follow the levels until they were all the way down to zero. Great. It was 36 hours after I stopped meds that everything inside me poured out. Right in the middle of American Idol too. Thank goodness I was home. The sadness lasted for a few weeks and it was rough. I was worried my spirit was permanently broken. Luckily I came back and was ready to tackle another cycle.

Cycle 3 was July '09. No birth control this time, let's just start she said. Great! Only 8 eggs retrieved, all 8 conceived and grew. They transferred 2 embryos on day 3. Dr. Browne and I spoke about transferring 3 embryos...and I still wonder if we should have. It was another unsuccessful round. We found out on the day of our 10th wedding anniversary. We were on our way to a bed and breakfast to celebrate. I barely reacted to the news. A few moments of sadness and I realized we missed our exit and we were immediately distracted. I enjoyed getting off to turn around and stopping to find a diet Coke! I had been off caffeine and artificial sweetener all summer during the cycle, so this was a great treat.

So here we are. Three rounds down, who knows how many more we'll have to go. I have a meeting with Dr. Browne next week to game plan for our next round. We shall see...