Saturday, September 12, 2009

Man, I want this

Had a wonderful morning with fabulous husband, Russ...Started at my weight watchers meeting (he ran errands while I went to the center for the weigh in and meeting).  I lost 3.4 pounds this week!  Yay me.  Honestly I hoped for more, but can I really complain?  No.  I have to say though that I really didn't eat much this week so it's no wonder I lost.  I wasn't hungry though either, so that's what matters I guess.  Keep on keepin on.

Can I digress for one second?  Can I tell you that I ate a Snickers bar the other day under absolutely no suspicious circumstances.  Usually I wolf one down in the car after a visit to the grocery store.  I hide the wrapper someplace in my car so Russ can't find it.  This time I accounted for the Snickers (5 points for an almond one) and ate it in full view of the world and Russ.  It wasn't nearly as satisfying as others have been in the past.  Hmm.

So after the meeting we went to the farmers market that's held every Saturday.  I had it all planned out to get a Nutella crepe that they make there and man!  It was better than I could have ever expected.  MmmmmMm!  It's like a festival atmosphere with vegetable stands and bakeries set up.  I love it!  Families are everywhere and it's just a good vibe that I can't get enough of.  So I say to Russ, "When we have a family, I think we should come here every week together to get vegetables and other good things."  And Russ said "We are a family and we can come here every week."  He's good for perspective isn't he?  He's absolutely right (as always, it gets a little annoying sometimes doesn't it?).  We are a family regardless of what happens.  So of course that got me a little misty...that comes easy these days. 

As we walked, we noticed two little Asian girls, maybe 3 years old.  They were twins and their parents were white so we assumed that they were adopted.  We spoke and joked a little about going up to them to ask questions about what the adoption process was like and if it was "worth it" (totally kidding).  Anyway, we walk a little further and suddenly I feel this little hand grab mine.  My heart melted!!!  I looked down and it was one of the twins.  She obviously thought I was her mom for a minute and when she saw she looked terrified.  (I remember this exact thing happening to me when I was little - I saw some hairy legs and thought it was my dad and it so wasn't.  I was horrified).  So I just told her it was OK and showed her where her mom was.  I told Russ what happened and a few seconds later I'm all misty again!  And I think that I need to be very honest with myself.  I want that.  I want a little girl to mindlessly put her hand up looking for the security that her mom can provide.  I spend so much time telling myself that "It'll be OK no matter what happens" I think I've never allowed myself to really want this.  Now of course I want it (motherhood), but I really have protected my heart by not allowing it to get set on this whole baby thing.  That little girl broke through that in one half-second!  Man I want this.  I forgot how much.  Crap.  It's going to really suck if it doesn't work.

What happened to spellcheck?  Seriously it's disappeared.  Again I apologize.

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