Scattered post

First of all, my apologies to my bloggy friends who I have been neglecting these past few days (weeks?).  I usually check my blog from my iphone and for some reason, i can't scroll down to read posts that don't appear on the screen, so I end up missing a lot.  And i can't post from my phone either.  Anyway, now I think I've caught up, but I may have missed some things.

We are doing well.  Poor little Sofia is very congested today though.  She's been semi-congested all along, but last night it was obvious she was having trouble breathing out of her nose.  She was becoming frustrated and was so upset - who can blame her?  She must be so confused, wondering why she can't breath suddenly.

(it's now 3 days later since I started this post)

So Sofia is still congested - poor thing cries in her sleep when she can't breathe and we spray saline drops in her nose and stick her in the bathroom with the hot water running.  Ihave a cool mist humidifier but I'm not sure it's doing anything to help.  Should I get a vaporizer??

We have her one month check up tomorrow even though she'll be 6 weeks, so we have many questions for the dr.

(it's now 2 days later)

So last night Sofia DID NOT sleep in our arms!!!  Woo hoo!!!  She didn't sleep in her crib or bassinet either, but she did sleep in the car seat and that is a victory for us.  And she's currently napping there right now. Yay!!

Dr visit was great.  She's now 10 lb 13 oz which means she gained exactly 3 lbs in 6 weeks.  Yikes.  She's also 22 and 1/2 inches tall.  Everything looks good.

As you can see i have little time to write.  Maybe now that we're putting her down more (fingers crossed that it wasn't some fluke last night!) I'll have more time.

I'll leave you with the cutest picture ever!  This was her in her birthday suit on her one month birthday.  I love her!!!

Brighter Days

4 weeks old

She's already been here for almost a month?!  I can't believe it!!!  In so many ways I can't believe it's been that long but at the same time I can't remember our life before her.

We're getting better at putting her down, so she is in our arms for maybe 21 hours a day and that's HUGE progress.  Thanks to inspiration from my dear bloggy friends Amber and Priscilla, I got a Moby Wrap...still trying to get the hang of it, but I think it will be a lifesaver! (feel free to give me tips on using it girls!) The wrap is basically a long piece of fabric that you wrap all around yourself and stick the baby in and they're secure.  It seems like it wouldn't work, but it really does.  I just haven't figured out how to get her in and out easily.

I'm feeling waaaaay better.  I"m hopeful that my hormones are leveling off and the crazies are gone for good.  I have an appt with my primary care Dr Friday to discuss the pain I've been getting on my hands and wrist (arthritis??) which is so severe at times, I'm afraid I could drop the baby...while I'm there I'm going to to discuss my anxiety and see what she thinks.  I don't want to give in to medication so soon, but at the same time I don't have a lot of time to waste wondering if it's all going to go away.  Let's face it, I've always been an anxious person (reading any blog entry of mine will tell you that) and these days I don't have the luxury of wallowing in my "what ifs"...I might need more help and I'm open to that.  Having great days like today gives me hope, but then the knots in my stomach return quickly and I wonder what the right thing to do is.

Today I took Sofia out by myself for the first time.  I use the term "by myself" very loosely because technically Russ was there for almost the whole time, but I didn't know he would be and so when I left for our walk and he joined us I was just thrilled and still pleased that I had made the effort to do it alone, knowing I could.  What am I afraid of???

Sofia has been good...earlier in the week she had some vomiting issues but there was no fever and it passed.  Still, there are times after eating that she seems soooo terribly uncomfortable - like she's in awful pain.  She grunts and turns red and usually doesn't cry, but just seems to be in a lot of pain.  We've tried gas drops and gripe water but it still happens sometimes.  I can't distract her by sticking my finger in her mouth which she loves, but I can still see the distress in her face.  I wish that would go away. 

My brother is coming to see us this weekend!!  He's never visited without his wife and kids, so this is special.  I'm excited for him to meet his only niece.  My brother and I have never really spent any time alone together, so it might even be a little weird but it's about time we got together like this, so it'll be great.

OK, I'm off to practice wrapping this baby up in her carrier!

Life with Sofia

24 days

Today was literally the first day in over a week that I've had the chance to catch up on blog world.  Sorry to leave you hanging.

This week has been up and down.  Mostly up - I mean I have this precious little girl right here, so what could be wrong?  Yeah, that's what I say at THIS moment.  But I've had some down moments too. 

Some mornings I wake up in a state of irrational anxiety that I can't shake.  It's only on workdays when I know I'll be alone with her.  And I'm not anxious about her dying or anything awful like that - I thought I'd be obsessed with making sure she was always breathing (and I do watch her and check, but just not as compulsively as I anticipated), but I'm worried about little things like getting bottles cleaned and what if she cries and I can't stop it?  So far it's only been about 4 or 5 days that I've been like that, but if it doesn't stop totally soon I'm not too proud to ask the Dr for some drugs to get me through.  When it's bad, it's BAD. 

Today is a good day though.  I'm feeding her mostly formula and am able to pump one bottle of breast milk per day which makes me feel incredibly guilty that I can't give her more, but I just don't have the milk.  My body doesn't work and I need to remember that - how could I forget after all? 

We basically hold her all day and I know it's a mistake, but I can't help it.  Like right now, she's peacefully sleeping in her moses basket and she's been there for almost 30 min.  This about her limit.  Within minutes, she start crying until I pick her up and get her settled.  She sleeps all night in one of our arms, usually for 3-4 hours at a time, but sometimes for 5.  We haven't put her in her bassinet once at nighttime.  We need to start doing that more, but EVERY book I read says you can't spoil an infant and that bad habits don't begin until 3 months.

I have yet to drive with her which means that I'm stuck inside all day.  I could go for a walk outside I suppose, but I'm still scared about being outside my security zone of home.  It's being alone that does me in.  When Russ is here, I'm fabulous just because I know he's here to back me up if I can't handle something.  But I can handle everything - I'm doing it and just need to relax.

Sofia seems to be having trouble with gas.  Sometimes after she eats, she grimaces like she's in so much pain.  We've tried gas drops and gripe water and sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't.  And it's not consistent which is puzzling.  If it were the formula (currently Infamil GenteEase) then wouldn't it upset her every time??  I don't get it, but seeing her in pain is tough. 

This weekend we're going to get her out and about and feel like a real family who does normal things.  Being cooped up has been driving me a little crazy.  And hopefully our friend who is doing our pictures will come and I can share them with you!!

Holy Hormones

16 days

I apologize in advance for how this all may sound.  Please know that it's all coming from a place of crazy out of control hormones (at least I pray that's all it is...).

Being in the hospital and those first few days home were pure bliss!!  I never knew I could feel so happy and all was well in the world.  Then came Tuesday...  My parents had been long gone and Russ had to go to work for the first time.  I was overcome with panic and all feelings of well-being flew right out of me.  The day went by just fine - I handled it very well.  But man these past 3 days have been up and down emotionally.  I wake up in the morning feeling so sick that I can't eat.  I assume it's just nerves, but my appetite is GONE (I'm already down 3 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight!  What???  I haven't been eating and when I do it often runs right out of me...).  In a word, I'm a MESS.

At this particular moment for example, I am totally fine.  I feel like myself.  I look over at Russ with Sofia sleeping on his chest and I couldn't be happier.  But in a flash, i could start crying about how much I wish my mom was back with us helping me and setting my mind at ease.  So far Tuesday was the worst day, so I'm hopeful that this isn't going to last.  At my OB appt today, she asked me a lot of questions and made me feel comfortable about reaching out for help if I didn't feel like myself soon.  I know the "baby blues" are real and very common, I just didn't expect it to hit to hard and fast - and I thought it would happen immediately after birth.  And my thoughts aren't about Sofia at all.  I feel totally bonded to her and she makes me so happy.  I just feel so unlike myself and maybe a little confused about who I am now.

OK, so here it is.  Could I be mourning my pregnancy?  And if that isn't crazy enough, could I be mourning my infertility?  Over the period of 5 years, I became "the girl who can't get pregnant".  I came to terms with that.  I wasn't happy with my title, but I learned to live with it.  I fought hard to overcome and won.  But now what?  Who am I?  Logic says I'm now "mother", but I feel so ill-prepared to wear that label.  I mean I know what a mom is and how to do it (at least I've read every book and article possible to prepare), but what does that mean for my identity?  Perhaps this is all crazy hormone talk, but I really think there is something to the fact that infertility made who I am (was? no, AM) and now I'm clearly past that and I'm floundering.  I look at Sofia and don't connect that to the victory we've achieved.  If I'm not that poor chick who can't have kids and "deserves them soooo much...", then who the heck am I?  Sofia's mom.  That's clear.  So is my identity already lost in motherhood?  I don't want that.  Even while pregnant, I considered myself "high-risk" (but technically wasn't) and would always say that I'd believe it when i see it (in regards to actually having a baby).  Everything turned out perfectly.  And yet I can't seem to accept it.  When I do look over at her and deliberately connect in my mind that she is here, that she is ours, I just burst into tears.  Like I said, I'm a MESS.

Also, no surprise here, I'm petrified that I'll do something to hurt her or I won't know what to do if she's in distress.  These are normal worries, I know.  But I think these worries are causing me to have diarrhea for 2 weeks.  Not good.  (and not really total diarrhea either, more like the feeling I might have it - sort of like when you're in line for a roller coaster)

Sorry to ramble...I'm not sure what's going on, but I take comfort in knowing that hormones are playing a huge part. 

Also, I have to apologize to my friends who still on their IF journey.  Many of my bloggy friends recently gave birth (we all had daughters in the same 2-3 week time frame!) and so I don't mean to offend those still on the journey by not seeming appreciative of everything I have now.  I just need to share where my head is since that's why I do this in the first place.