Thursday, September 2, 2010

Holy Hormones

16 days

I apologize in advance for how this all may sound.  Please know that it's all coming from a place of crazy out of control hormones (at least I pray that's all it is...).

Being in the hospital and those first few days home were pure bliss!!  I never knew I could feel so happy and all was well in the world.  Then came Tuesday...  My parents had been long gone and Russ had to go to work for the first time.  I was overcome with panic and all feelings of well-being flew right out of me.  The day went by just fine - I handled it very well.  But man these past 3 days have been up and down emotionally.  I wake up in the morning feeling so sick that I can't eat.  I assume it's just nerves, but my appetite is GONE (I'm already down 3 pounds below my pre-pregnancy weight!  What???  I haven't been eating and when I do it often runs right out of me...).  In a word, I'm a MESS.

At this particular moment for example, I am totally fine.  I feel like myself.  I look over at Russ with Sofia sleeping on his chest and I couldn't be happier.  But in a flash, i could start crying about how much I wish my mom was back with us helping me and setting my mind at ease.  So far Tuesday was the worst day, so I'm hopeful that this isn't going to last.  At my OB appt today, she asked me a lot of questions and made me feel comfortable about reaching out for help if I didn't feel like myself soon.  I know the "baby blues" are real and very common, I just didn't expect it to hit to hard and fast - and I thought it would happen immediately after birth.  And my thoughts aren't about Sofia at all.  I feel totally bonded to her and she makes me so happy.  I just feel so unlike myself and maybe a little confused about who I am now.

OK, so here it is.  Could I be mourning my pregnancy?  And if that isn't crazy enough, could I be mourning my infertility?  Over the period of 5 years, I became "the girl who can't get pregnant".  I came to terms with that.  I wasn't happy with my title, but I learned to live with it.  I fought hard to overcome and won.  But now what?  Who am I?  Logic says I'm now "mother", but I feel so ill-prepared to wear that label.  I mean I know what a mom is and how to do it (at least I've read every book and article possible to prepare), but what does that mean for my identity?  Perhaps this is all crazy hormone talk, but I really think there is something to the fact that infertility made who I am (was? no, AM) and now I'm clearly past that and I'm floundering.  I look at Sofia and don't connect that to the victory we've achieved.  If I'm not that poor chick who can't have kids and "deserves them soooo much...", then who the heck am I?  Sofia's mom.  That's clear.  So is my identity already lost in motherhood?  I don't want that.  Even while pregnant, I considered myself "high-risk" (but technically wasn't) and would always say that I'd believe it when i see it (in regards to actually having a baby).  Everything turned out perfectly.  And yet I can't seem to accept it.  When I do look over at her and deliberately connect in my mind that she is here, that she is ours, I just burst into tears.  Like I said, I'm a MESS.

Also, no surprise here, I'm petrified that I'll do something to hurt her or I won't know what to do if she's in distress.  These are normal worries, I know.  But I think these worries are causing me to have diarrhea for 2 weeks.  Not good.  (and not really total diarrhea either, more like the feeling I might have it - sort of like when you're in line for a roller coaster)

Sorry to ramble...I'm not sure what's going on, but I take comfort in knowing that hormones are playing a huge part. 

Also, I have to apologize to my friends who still on their IF journey.  Many of my bloggy friends recently gave birth (we all had daughters in the same 2-3 week time frame!) and so I don't mean to offend those still on the journey by not seeming appreciative of everything I have now.  I just need to share where my head is since that's why I do this in the first place.


  1. First of all, you absolutely do NOT have to apologize for that post. You're feelings are very normal, and very valid. You're probably making quite a few people feel better about the way they are feeling by sharing it.

    My cousin just had a baby who is now three weeks old. She's just coming out on the other side of some intense baby blues. Her mother came out again to visit and she said that her mom literally had "to pick her up and put her back together again." Now she's doing much better.

    Some people do need to find help though, and you shouldn't feel bad if you are one of them. I was already in therapy before my daughter (who is almost three months) was born and just went back when I started feeling like I might need to. I was expecting the baby blues, or even PPD but I didn't get it (I'm still not sure how that happened). I'm still going to therapy though, just in case it becomes an issue.

    Being a new mom is a totally disorienting and overwhelming experience. There is no time in your life when your identity so completely changes, and as an IF survivor yours has changed two fold. It's going to take a long time to figure it out, you may never figure it out completely. I only dealt with pregnancy loss and I still had similar issues - I can't imagine becoming a mother after 5 years in the trenches of IF.

    Be patient and forgiving with yourself. And if things seem too difficult, find help. I'm sure your OB has resources she can pass along to you.

    Good luck!

    Kait @

  2. Thank you so much for this post. I have definitely been up and down emotionally over the past 11 days. I can be absolutely fine one minute and then LOSE it the next...

    And your thoughts on who you are now since you're no longer the "infertile one" really hit home. I don't exactly know who I am anymore or what role I play in the fertile/infertile world. Somehow I don't think I had really prepared myself that I was actually going to be a mother. So now that we're here, it's almost hard to accept.

    Hang in there and know that you are SOOO not alone. Every time you cry for no reason, remember your blog friends who are probably doing the same thing. This will get better once our stupid hormones level out!!!

  3. I hope the hormones calm down and you get back to your 'normal' self.

    Hope things get better! Enjoy your weekend with your adorable baby girl and DH.

  4. Hey honey
    Sofia is beautiful. You are beautiful. And for gods sake dont beat yourself up for feeling what you are feeling.
    Its ok. Your ok. em