Today was literally the first day in over a week that I've had the chance to catch up on blog world. Sorry to leave you hanging.
This week has been up and down. Mostly up - I mean I have this precious little girl right here, so what could be wrong? Yeah, that's what I say at THIS moment. But I've had some down moments too.
Some mornings I wake up in a state of irrational anxiety that I can't shake. It's only on workdays when I know I'll be alone with her. And I'm not anxious about her dying or anything awful like that - I thought I'd be obsessed with making sure she was always breathing (and I do watch her and check, but just not as compulsively as I anticipated), but I'm worried about little things like getting bottles cleaned and what if she cries and I can't stop it? So far it's only been about 4 or 5 days that I've been like that, but if it doesn't stop totally soon I'm not too proud to ask the Dr for some drugs to get me through. When it's bad, it's BAD.
Today is a good day though. I'm feeding her mostly formula and am able to pump one bottle of breast milk per day which makes me feel incredibly guilty that I can't give her more, but I just don't have the milk. My body doesn't work and I need to remember that - how could I forget after all?
We basically hold her all day and I know it's a mistake, but I can't help it. Like right now, she's peacefully sleeping in her moses basket and she's been there for almost 30 min. This about her limit. Within minutes, she start crying until I pick her up and get her settled. She sleeps all night in one of our arms, usually for 3-4 hours at a time, but sometimes for 5. We haven't put her in her bassinet once at nighttime. We need to start doing that more, but EVERY book I read says you can't spoil an infant and that bad habits don't begin until 3 months.
I have yet to drive with her which means that I'm stuck inside all day. I could go for a walk outside I suppose, but I'm still scared about being outside my security zone of home. It's being alone that does me in. When Russ is here, I'm fabulous just because I know he's here to back me up if I can't handle something. But I can handle everything - I'm doing it and just need to relax.
Sofia seems to be having trouble with gas. Sometimes after she eats, she grimaces like she's in so much pain. We've tried gas drops and gripe water and sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't. And it's not consistent which is puzzling. If it were the formula (currently Infamil GenteEase) then wouldn't it upset her every time?? I don't get it, but seeing her in pain is tough.
This weekend we're going to get her out and about and feel like a real family who does normal things. Being cooped up has been driving me a little crazy. And hopefully our friend who is doing our pictures will come and I can share them with you!!