Friday, September 10, 2010

Life with Sofia

24 days

Today was literally the first day in over a week that I've had the chance to catch up on blog world.  Sorry to leave you hanging.

This week has been up and down.  Mostly up - I mean I have this precious little girl right here, so what could be wrong?  Yeah, that's what I say at THIS moment.  But I've had some down moments too. 

Some mornings I wake up in a state of irrational anxiety that I can't shake.  It's only on workdays when I know I'll be alone with her.  And I'm not anxious about her dying or anything awful like that - I thought I'd be obsessed with making sure she was always breathing (and I do watch her and check, but just not as compulsively as I anticipated), but I'm worried about little things like getting bottles cleaned and what if she cries and I can't stop it?  So far it's only been about 4 or 5 days that I've been like that, but if it doesn't stop totally soon I'm not too proud to ask the Dr for some drugs to get me through.  When it's bad, it's BAD. 

Today is a good day though.  I'm feeding her mostly formula and am able to pump one bottle of breast milk per day which makes me feel incredibly guilty that I can't give her more, but I just don't have the milk.  My body doesn't work and I need to remember that - how could I forget after all? 

We basically hold her all day and I know it's a mistake, but I can't help it.  Like right now, she's peacefully sleeping in her moses basket and she's been there for almost 30 min.  This about her limit.  Within minutes, she start crying until I pick her up and get her settled.  She sleeps all night in one of our arms, usually for 3-4 hours at a time, but sometimes for 5.  We haven't put her in her bassinet once at nighttime.  We need to start doing that more, but EVERY book I read says you can't spoil an infant and that bad habits don't begin until 3 months.

I have yet to drive with her which means that I'm stuck inside all day.  I could go for a walk outside I suppose, but I'm still scared about being outside my security zone of home.  It's being alone that does me in.  When Russ is here, I'm fabulous just because I know he's here to back me up if I can't handle something.  But I can handle everything - I'm doing it and just need to relax.

Sofia seems to be having trouble with gas.  Sometimes after she eats, she grimaces like she's in so much pain.  We've tried gas drops and gripe water and sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't.  And it's not consistent which is puzzling.  If it were the formula (currently Infamil GenteEase) then wouldn't it upset her every time??  I don't get it, but seeing her in pain is tough. 

This weekend we're going to get her out and about and feel like a real family who does normal things.  Being cooped up has been driving me a little crazy.  And hopefully our friend who is doing our pictures will come and I can share them with you!!


  1. Thanks for the update! I can totally relate. I haven't even posted my birth story yet!! Glad to hear things are going well. I hear you on the anxiety...I feel the same when DH leaves the house. I think it will get better with time!

  2. Do you think the anxiety could be hormonally driven?! I wouldn't be surprised!! Your princess is beautiful and it sounds like things are going well, minus to the anxiety.

    Have fun getting out this weekend....cabin fever is not fun. xoxoxoxox

  3. The first weeks are hard. It's normal to feel isolated or overwhelmed. As far as the sleeping stuff, you need to do what is right for you. It doesn't matter what books or other people tell you (and they will tell you!) you need to figure out what works for you and your family. I know it can be hard, I definitely feel defensive when someone says something that goes against what I believe is right for my daughter and I. She's only three months old and I hope as she gets older I will feel more confident about my choices.

    Esperanza @

  4. I feel anxiety every time I'm alone too! It's like as soon as he walks out the door, I feel sad and scared. But when he's home, I'm fine. Stupid hormones.

    I'm SO glad to hear that your princess is sleeping in your arms every night because ours hasn't been in her bassinett yet either. She sleeps in bed with me, snuggled as close as she can get. I keep questioning if I'm messing up, but I love having her close.

  5. I totally had the baby blues like you talked about in your last post. I get some anxiety now, but I think with quads it's almost so ridiculous that you have to just laugh and it forces you to be more relaxed or else lose your mind. It WILL get better as you start to get the hang of going out.

    As for the spoiling thing, I will say that our kids get free O/T and P/T because of their birth weights (nothing really wrong with them just preventative) and the therapists have all identified Sophie (who gets held a lot) as already having a manipulative cry. I said, wait it's too early, and they just laughed and said oh no, this is the beginning (at about 6 weeks adjusted). So keep an eye out for it! Sophie will do it if we set her down -- this very indignant wail that stops as if turning off a switch the second we lift her. It would be funny if it didn't mean I'm in for it later! haha