Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Badge of Honor


Had a four week check up today and all is great!  Her HB was 160 and my OB (finally saw my actual OB who was so thrilled to see us since she hadn't seen us since waaay before we starting our treatments) asked about any contractions I might be feeling.  I told her about the pressure I've been getting periodically over the past couple weeks and she said it could be a contraction or just movement, but assuming it's a contraction, it's perfectly normal to have a few a day.  Four in an hour?  Give them a call.  I left feeling so happy!  Next Friday is anatomy scan part 2 and then in 4 weeks back to the OB for my glucose test.

OK, so I've gotten into a habit.  I don't know if it's a bad habit, but I've been consistently doing it for the past...um...17 weeks? =)

When new people find out I'm pregnant and congratulate me, I can't leave it at that. I mean if they say a simple "Congratualtions" and that's it, then I let it go.  But usually they don't stop there.  They follow up with "How are you feeling?" "You must be so excited!" and "Is this your first?"  Once the follow up questions come, I can't act natural.  You know, like a regular PG lady.  No, I have to tell them my life story.

Not that I go into great detail, but part of me has the need (compulsion?) to let these people know that I'm not ordinary PG chick.  I'm special. =)  This didn't come easy for me.  You think that I could just go out there and get pregnant?  Wrong.  You think I just got "knocked up" whenever I felt like it?  So wrong.  So what do I do?  I overshare.

Stranger/acquaintance:  Congratulations!  How far along are you?

IF Me:  Thanks! I'm 22 weeks already!
(I almost always add an "already" as if they have any clue about when this all happened and depending on their facial expression, I might even add a "time is going by so fast!")

Stranger:  That's great.  Are you feeling alright?

IF Me:  So far so good...I mean at first I was nervous all the time, worrying about every little thing (like I'm SO past that now, right?  Not) but now everything is pretty calm...
(at this point I might continue with the verbal diahrea or maybe allow them to get another question in)

Stranger:  You must be so excited.

And here we go....

IF Me:  Yep, it was a long road....

And off I go into telling them that I have FIVE - did they hear me because I said FIVE IVF cycles.  And that we never thought we'd get pregnant and that they said there was like a 0-3% chance of it working the 5th time but we did it!  (sometimes it's not that bad and I just tell them "5 IVFs to get here, so we're really excited...")

So why do I do this?  For one thing, I have no shame or embarassment about the whole IF thing.  I'm an open book and will describe the most personal of details to not only you, my dear bloggy friends, but also to anyone who is willing to listen.  I think it's because I want them to know that this baby?  Oh, she's special.  You have a baby?  Ok, but did you work for her?  Exactly how much did you want her?  Were you trying to have her?  Because me?  I paid the dues to get here.

I'm not sure I like the side of my personality that this showcases, but I think it's just that I want to wear my IF struggle as a badge of honor or something.  I still feel like an imposter in the PG world, like I wasn't invited and crashed the party.  So now that I'm here, please know my story and understand that I have the right to be here just like anyone else.

Perhaps now that I've recognized and released this habit, I can move past it and stop annoying people.  Sure hope so.


  1. You and me both, sister!!! I feel like this post applies to me too....perfectly!!! I always tell everyone that this was a long fought for pregnancy and now I, thanks to you, think I understand why I do it. It is a badge of honor dammit. It's impossible to forget our roots in IF!!! :)

    ps. I sent you an email and I'm sure you've been busy and haven't had the time to write back...which is TOTALLY FINE...but just incase in got filtered into your spam I wanted to give you a heads up!!

  2. It's funny cause when I mention that you're pregnant to my friends - I always explain how long it took you to get there and do a kinda cheering motion with my hands!! It didn't really occur to me until you posted this but I definetely mention the struggles you had and how blessed you are! I'm so excited to meet her I can't stand it!!!!!!

  3. I totally get this, and I think when I do get pregnant I will be the same way. I think it's much different when you put so much effort into something. It's like the difference between getting lipo and being skinny and being on Biggest Loser and working out 8 hrs a day, weighing in with tight spandex that looks good on nobody on Natioanl TV. Some people it comes easy for and other have to truly bust their humps and you do deserve a badge of honor for what you have been through!!!


  4. Tracy I think it is great that you tell people. People need to know how difficult this journey is.

  5. You SHOULD be proud of all it took to get here. When I'm in your shoes, don't think I won't be doing the exact same thing. It's different for us, but that's not something you should be embarrassed about. If they don't want to know, they shouldn't ask! :-D