Warning: I think I'm hormonal today. Not sure what's about to come out, but just know that you've been warned.
OK, so it was my first Mother's Day. Let me start by saying that I sort of think holidays like Mother's Day, Father's Day, and Valentine's Day are silly. I mean I celebrate them and all, but I realize that they are manufactured holidays and mostly mean that there is a gift obligation in there somewhere. My husband and I had agreed that these days would be gift-free and just about doing whatever the parent of the day wanted to do. Then I decided that what I wanted to do was have Sofia pick out a charm for my Pandora bracelet. So we went to church, had lunch at our favorite Italian restaurant and then went to the Pandora store where I picked out 5 charms that I liked. We then put them out in front of Sofia and she chose the one that we bought. So sweet that she picked out the charm! That was fun and super cute. It was a great day - don't get me wrong. (and side note, I've already gotten Russ his Father's Day gifts from Sofia, so obviously I'm breaking my own imposed rule 2 fold...go figure) It was a lovely day. (Incidentally, past mother's days haven't been horrible for me either...for some reason it never bothered me to think about mother's day and not being a mom. I think it may have to do with being far away from my mom or maybe because it's always been all about my mom so it's not like anything had changed, I don't know. Point is that while other people made a big deal out of it for me, I wasn't all emotional about finally being able to celebrate after all those years of trying. Strange since I get emotional over everything else. I honestly felt more emotional at Christmas and my birthday about being able to spend it with Sofia. Maybe it goes back to me thinking Mother's Day is silly? Am I rambling? Did you not read my warning?)
Here's the thing. I feel like an impostor. I mean I know I'm a mom, but I don't feel like I deserve all of credit. I'm not looking for "yes you do, don't be silly..." encouraging statements here, I'm just trying to figure out how I feel and wondering why yesterday wasn't the greatest day ever (though it was really good!). I think I'm struggling with the fact that I'm not supermom. I'm a great mom, but I certainly don't do it alone. So this day where mom gets pampered and celebrated because of all the hard work she does every day just doesn't seem appropriate for me. And it's not like i couldn't be super mom - maybe I could. I don't have to be, though, and I think that's the thing. I have the greatest (literally) husband ever. I have the BEST day care provider. Without these two loving, caring, dedicated people I don't where I'd be. Russ DEFINITELY does more than I do for Sofia and our household. I do a lot, but he does more. I didn't need a "break" yesterday to sleep in or not do housework. Russ consistently gives me sleep and does a ton around the house, usually more than i do. Doris loves Sofia and cares about her and is helping her grow and learn when I can't be there. I trust that she's doing all of the things that I would do (and probably more). So, please hear me. I'm not giving myself a pity party because I'm not mom of the year according to traditional definitions. I'm recognizing that I'm in a position where I'm not expected to do it all and I don't do it all. And that's OK. I don't feel a bit of guilt about the support I have. I don't have any guilt about not being with Sofia every morning while Russ gets up with her and gets her ready to go. I don't feel a bit of guilt about not being with her all day. I know that I'm the best I can be because of these people in Sofia's life.
And sooooo......I guess I need to accept being celebrated for the mom that I am and not for the mom that society thinks moms should be. And I deserve to be celebrated because I'm a great mom!
Thanks for letting me process all of that here. I kinda wish I had come up with this conclusion yesterday so that I could had a more giddy day. There's always next year...
Lastly, to my IF sisters out there still on their journey.... I know yesterday may have been difficult. Good news is that it's over! And your babies are their way to you. I wish I could tell you when - it's the waiting and not knowing that gets to you. It is going to happen. Know that it will. Much love to you.
I read your post and somehow could picture you trying to 'say' it all in one breath. LOL.
ReplyDeleteI LOVE how Sofia picked out a charm for your bracelet! What a great idea and it makes each charm more sentimental!
Like you said, "I know that I'm the best I can be because of these people in Sofia's life."
That's all that matters, you are doing the best you can. Sofia is lucky to have so many people love her!
I loved your post. As I sat here reading it, I couldn't help but think to myself how I was feeling a little guilty about being the center of attention yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I loved it of course, but I too owe a HUGE amount of credit to the other people in Nick's life that make the day-to-day possible. My husband, my mom, and of course our daycare provider Carmen. I'm so grateful to all of them. And I don't feel like I have earned the spotlight that Mother's Day puts on moms.
ReplyDeleteBut you said it best: you were being celebrated for the mom that you are...not the mom society has depicted as the "norm". And regardless of who helps, who does more, who does less...your husband is an awesome dad, your sitter is an awesome sitter, and YOU are an awesome Mom -- you all carry your own titles in accorance with her life...and only you hold the title of Sofia's Mom :)
Wow, I'm not sure how I missed your last two posts.....but they were fun to read. It was listening to you think out loud. I am glad you enjoyed your mothers day and love that Sofia picked the charm out for your Pandora bracelet, that is so sweet!
ReplyDeleteI think your right, Mothers day is about our mothers, so I suppose when you become one, its hard to make the shift mentally in your mind, as far as your concerned the attention still goes to your mom. You'll get used to the attention shifting your way, one day soon. :)