22w1d
And you thought all that crazy talk was in the past? Yes, I have been feeling much more positive and rational since baby girl has been kicking me, but now what am I obsessing over? The frequency and quality of her kicks of course. I swear this is what happens when I haven't seen or heard her at the OB for a couple weeks. Even though she lets me know she's literally alive and kicking all day, I always think the worst when I've been without a doctor check for a couple weeks. I know she's fine - I can freaking feel her!! But I had started feeling some huge kicks earlier in the week and not so much now. So I envision that she's become weak and unhealthy. (go on, roll your eyes...I understand)
I KNOW THAT THIS IS CRAZY TALK.
(as I write this by the way, she is kicking like crazy as if to say "Aw, mom, just shut up and enjoy me please!")
It's just that since we found out it's our little girl, this whole thing has moved onto a whole new level. You know that I had a hard time accepting that this is really happening and spent a good amount of time waiting for bad news to come. Well ever since we found out it's baby Sofia, it's like a switch has been turned on. I'm connected and talk to her and we refer to the guest room as "Sofia's room" and I've started buy clothes and her nursery is all picked out and it's like she's already here. Because she is already here, right here in my belly.
My point? If we lost her now, it would be an inconceivable devastation. Not just because she was pretty much our last shot at a baby, but because we wouldn't have just lost a baby, we would have lost our little Sofia.
OK - ENOUGH OF THAT.
Thanks for letting me get it out. (And yes, I wonder about how I'll deal with things when she's here and not physically attached to me 24 hours a day. I worry now? Just wait til that day I drop her off at day care. Oh my word.)
I could have written this post myself!! I totally understand the paranoia that sets in between doctor's appointments. I know I'm crazy too, but I can't help it. I even listened to her on my doppler last night, I'm feeling her kick as I type this, but somehow it still doesn't feel like enough for me to believe that everything is just fine. I've been thinking a lot about this recently and this is my conclusion: This is still the IF in us messing with our minds. It's like we can't accept that we are in fact pregnant with a healthy child. I think it's that I felt hopeless for so long that some days I feel like I'm "playing pregnancy" like "playing house" or something. Bottom line: I'm nuts!! Hopefully the realness and the paranoia will subside a little once we can actually hold our girls in our arms and see them in front of our eyes!!!! XOX
ReplyDeleteThat is the curse of IF. You are not crazy. You are an IF patient and you are entitled to your crazy thoughts. You should take comfort in the fact that you are just days from viability! That is such a huge milestone! Stay strong for Sofia. She needs your positive thoughts and energy!
ReplyDeleteI actually tear up EVERY morning when I drive by the 3 daycares on my way to work. It seems like a prison to me now... And my little one doesn't like to kick consistently at all. We have about 1-2 periods of activity a day, but otherwise we're lazy. Which of course makes me crazy.
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU fellow IF sisters!!! I really needed that support this morning. Lots of love to all you who are truly the only ones who get it. XOXO
ReplyDeleteI just want you to know that I have the same "crazy thoughts" all the time, and I'm already at 32 weeks! But I have to say, after a while I got used to days with less kicks and days with more and I stopped stressing so much about individual days. I hope you get to that place too. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteKait @ esperanzasays.wordpress.com
Ahhh a good ole case of the crazies!!!!!! Something we are all so familar with - comes on at different times of our journey's, but it gets the best of all of us!!! Just imagine how strange it would be if Russ kept asking, is she kicking, is she still kicking, is she kicking now?! LOL We get to be crazy, but we earned it.
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxoxox
Oh you are too funny! I know this is real and I don't think we ever really stop worrying. You are a mom now. She is as real to you as she will ever be. I think you are 100% normal for feeling like this. It has taken you how long to get here! I think you have earned the right to be a little crazy. I hope little Sofia will continue to remind you she is there and that can ease you mind a bit.
ReplyDeleteSorry to say that this worry never ends- it just changes into new worries! You're right- it was daycare, now preschool... heck, I'm worrying about prom! So, you're not crazy at all. It's actually a good sign b/c it means you're a mom! ;)
ReplyDeleteI know I am not in your situation - but I'm like that with Emmett! I worry about him when I'm not home - is someone taking care of him? What if he chokes or doesn't have enough water. I'm a nutcase and he's a dog - imagine me as a mom!! So I totally understand.....all will be perfect though.....and she's got the best parents ever!! :)
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