Dear Pregnant Women of the World,
Why are you stalking me?
You are EVERYWHERE.
I lost count of you yesterday at the outlet mall. I can see why a pregnant woman would want to shop at the outlets...it's certainly a time for bargain hunting. Still, you were a bit excessive yesterday and I didn't appreciate it. I wish you no ill will. Best of luck to you and your family. I truly hope you have a healthy pregnancy and painless birth. It's just that I want to punch you in the face right now. Again, it's not personal.
Hostile as i may sound, please understand that i don't sit and think about you all day or anything. And I seem to be over any residual self-pity. I barely even think about my non-pregnant self...until i see YOU that is. Then it all comes back. Fantastic. Cause I needed to wallow a little more, right?
I'm glad you don't notice me, though. It's hard enough, but to have to deal with your sympathetic looks would put me over the edge.
So, if you see me coming please turn around and walk the other way**. Or perhaps close your coat so i don't see that ball sticking out. Do like they did with Elaine on Seinfeld. Wear big shirts, carry big bags, or remain seated as much as possible. Beautiful and full of joy as you are right now, i do not want to see you and your family-in-making. So go away. Is that too much to ask?
**This message is not intended for those expecting moms that I know and love. I do not wish to punch you in the face. It's the nameless bitches that I'm referring to here. I'm genuinely happy for you - really. =) (REALLY, I AM! - no sarcasm here at all, OK?)