I need to know

I KNOW I'm supposed to be thankful today.  My parents are here for the holiday, the turkey is in the oven.  Life is good. 

So then why have I been holding back tears for the past 24 hours? 

It's like the holidays remind me of how everything is the same.  Yes, things are good and I'm blessed in so many ways.  It's also a glaring reminder that our family is exactly the same as it has been for the past many, many years.  And while it's good, it's the same.  I remember last year thinking, "Oh, wait til next year...we'll probably be busy taking care of a newborn - man will the holidays change!"  In fact, I think I've been saying this for the past few years.

And here we are.  Things are great.  Things are the same. 

I just want to know.  I want to move on to whatever it is that we're going to do.  This last IVF cycle will likely be our last.  There's some question about whether or not we'll be able to start now or if we'll wait until insurance recycles in 2010 (to get full prescription coverage).  It's just about money.  But I really want to get this cycle done.  I have to know one way or  the other.  Are we getting pregnant or moving on to adoption?  I need to know.  So now I don't even know for sure if we're going to do this cycle this month.  Russ and I need to talk about money and figure it out.  Not even knowing if we're going to do it is driving me nuts...

So, happy thanksgiving.  May this be the last one that will have these questions out there waiting to be answered.