I was SO FINE

We did our first shots last night...I was SO FINE until right before and then I started bawling my eyes out!  He did the shots (2 at once - he says "Let me know when you're ready" and then I sit there and breathe a lot...and then I say "OK" and he says "There's the first one...and it's out....here comes the next...and it's out...all done baby" I literally feel NOTHING and yet it freaks me out a little bit, or, OK a lot)...so anyway, he does the shots and I start crying because it feels like this is it.  Our last chance.  This out of control feeling about the most important thing ever is beyond difficult.  And I hate it.  But it will be OK because what else can it be?

So can i describe my kitchen table?  It looks like a chemistry lesson.  Vials...boxes...and NEEDLES!  Holy crap there must be at least 80 needles on my table.  While i use a lot of needles...at some point it will be 6 per day including the ones I use to draw up the meds...I certainly don't use all of the needles they give me.  So wasteful.  And it's not like I can just throw them out.  Well I could.  It would be a happy day for the homeless drug addicts and i do not wish to contribute.

My heads hurts today in a weird, new way.  Probably hormones starting to go nuts.  Hopefully I can sleep tonight.  Insurance has gone through by the way, so we are really all set.  So my friend wasn't pregnant...so depressing.  Sucks so crazy bad.  It's hard to not just wonder why it works for some so easily and why some of us struggle SO MUCH.  So many questions to be answered...and will we ever know for sure why?  No.  OK, I'm done blabbering on...almost time for the PM shots...

Cycle 4: Day 1

And we're off...
Cycle 4 officially began today with my first visit to Shady Grove.  My period came all early on Saturday so this is starting about 4 days earlier than expected and that is OK with me.  I went in today for bloodwork and an ultrasound.  She said that I have tiny follicles developing in both ovaries.  Yay!  I'll go back Thursday for another look and to check my levels through another blood test.

Shots start tonight.  I'm weirdly not anxious about it.  We'll see how I do later tonight.  My new technique is that I ice my belly for 5-10 minuets before the shots (2 PM - Gonal-F and Menapur- and 1 AM - more Gonal-F).  It really helps me not feel a thing.  Without the ice I barely feel a thing but the ice makes me feel more secure about it not hurting.  Poor Russ has to get up every morning and shoot me up =(  Not that he doesn't eventually have to get up anyway, but 6 AM is a little early for him.  I could learn to do it myself but that just isn't happening.

When I checked out at Shady Grove, they had me sign this form saying that I understand that insurance has not approved the cycle yet.  They acted like it was just routine and I shouldn't worry about it so I'm not worrying toooo much, but I am a little worried.  How much will it just suck if we can't do this cycle?  Plus I have all those meds just waiting to get injected into me...

OK, finally, I just have to share.  I mean after that last post, did you think I'd get all shy suddenly?  I bled straight through my jeans yesterday. It was bad.  This is one of my heaviest periods ever.  Ick.  So I just causally go to the bathroom and discover a murder scene in my jeans!  It was scary.  Why does it happen like that?  You'd think a girl would know such a thing.  So now I'm all scared that it'll happen again.  While I'm on this topic, can I just give a shout out to the poor tech who had to do my ultrasound this morning?  I made sure I told her that I was having one of my heaviest periods ever so she'd be prepared for the madness.  Sure enough she pulled that bad boy out and it looked like a murder weapon.  Why am I embarassed by this?  It's a normal function and THEY told ME to come on day 3 of my period, so they asked for it!  But that poor girl.  Trying to play it off like it was nothing.  She grabbed no fewer than a dozen tissues and had to wipe it all off, grabbing that condom thing that goes over the device and peeling it off and aiming it for the trash can, praying that it lands in the right spot so she doesn't have to pick it up and then clean the floor.  How she didn't get bloody is beyond me.  Very skilled woman.

I must stop taking out my stress on my cooch

WARNING:  There is about to me waaaayyyy too much information shared here right now.  It all involves my cooch and the traumatic week it had.  If you do not wish to read any further, please pass on this post and check me out next time.

Remember you have been warned.

So last week I'm in the bathroom.  Allow me to set the scene.  Public school.  Cheap-ass toilet paper.  I'm in a hurry and, after peeing, go to wipe to find that it feels LIKE RAZOR BLADES on my cooch.  I tend to wipe in a forceful, eratic manner.  Yes,  I'm a little tense.  I also want to get in and out quickly.  I do not care for the cooch as much as I need to.  But this was bad.  So I kinda thought at first that maybe I just wiped too hard, but it kept hurting all day, all night and all day the next day.  WTF?  Now I'm getting worried.  So i ask fabulous husband to check it out.  (I had looked with a mirror and found nothing to help me figure out what was going on earlier that day.)  So he takes a peek and sees nothing unusual.  That's good, I think.  At this point it's hurting when I pee and also when I sit down - not the whole time just when I move into a new postion.  I have to admit I was a bit worried.  The next day it seems a little better and by Saturday night, it was much better.  Well things take a turn for worse on Sunday.  I look in the mirror (my cooch mirror, ya know) and see an area that seems inflamed.  The pain had become quite localized too and seemed to be coming from this red, inflamed area.  So I ask fabulous husband to check me out again.  This time he finds (remember I WARNED YOU) some discharge that seemed sort of consistent with maybe a yeast infection...after apologizing profusely that I made him look at that, I am somewhat relieved because I know how to cure a yeast infection even though I haven't had many in the past.  So I go to the store, buy the one-day stuff and have a hell-of-a-laugh-your-ass-off time in the bathroom at Greveys where we go to watch our Bills games.  I was in there for no less than 15 minutes.  Who knew you had to lay down?  Not that I did, but still getting that thing in was rather difficult without being on my back.  Seriously, it was at least a foot long - why?  And there were people waiting for the stall!  Oh my.  Anyway, immediately upon insertion it now feels as if my cooch IS ON FIRE.  Oh my word.  It was bad.  Really?  I thought the whole thing was going to burn off.  It didn't take long for me to realize I may have made a mistake.  So i read the instructions and find that it is not uncommon for burning to take place.  That's why it's suggested that one do the treatment at BEDTIME so that it doesn't all run out and burn the cooch.  Great.  But at least it was a normal reaction so I wasn't that worried. 

Next day, not only do I have goopy crap oozing out of me but I take out the mirror and what do I find?  A blister.

That's right.

My life flashed before my eyes.  I obviously had contracted herpes and will be divorcing fabulous husband (since he OBVIOUSLY gave it to me, right?)...I immediately go to the what-did-we-do-in-emergency-situations-like-this-before internet and look up "vaginal blister".  That's right.  It's in my google history.  Uh huh.  With great relief I find that they can be caused by a zillion other things.  In fact yeast infections can cause them.  Woo hoo!!!  I'm saved.  Thank God.  But............I'm not totally convinced.  Oh, and did I mention how much this thing freaking hurt?  Yeah, whatever it was clearly burst and was basically an open wound that I peed in all day.  Nice.  (Do you need reminding that I warned you?)

OK, so I confide in a neutral friend at work and she thinks I'm crazy to think it's anything to worry about.  Another friend confirms.  I'm still worried and make an appointment...can't get one until the next day.  Wierd that open sores on genitals doesn't count as an emergency.  And I was not all that stable-sounding when I called either.  I beleive i used the term "freaking out" more than once.

Get home that night and the blister is all but gone.  Huh.  And it doesn't really hurt anymore.  OK.

Get to the doctor.  I explain everything.  She assures me without even looking that the likelyhood that it's herpes is slim to none considering how fast the thing appeared and disappeared and that there was only one, etc.  (By the way, let me disclaim that it's not the herpes itself that I was so afraid of.  Not that I want it, but I know it's a very liveable condition to have.  It was the fact that my husband and I had infectioous diseease testing 18 months ago and got a clean bill of health.  To me this meant that it was contracted in that time period and therefore my life as I knew it was over - are you with me?  Get where I was coming from?)

OK, so she takes a look.  She says "I see lacerations here.  Oooh and there's some of the blister left so I can culture it."  She proceeds to take a q-tip and jam it into the former sore like she was digging for gold.  Holy crap.  Um, that hurt.  A lot. 

Let me cut to the chase.  (I know, you're thinking: why stop with the nonessential details now?)

Diagnosis:  (and this is literaly written on my chart)  AGGRESSIVE WIPER

OMG

Treatment?  Gentle dabbing.

I tore my cooch up.  Me.  And then the medication I used made it all bubble up and stuff.  Ew...  Who knew?  I mean gentle dabbing makes good sense.  Sure.  But I never dreamed I could get little toilet paper cuts down there.  Wow. 

So now it's all better.  And I'm dabbing gently and cooch is happy.  Lesson learned?  I NEED THERAPY.  I must stop taking out my stress on my cooch.

And the worst part?  That I ever thought fabulous husband was up to no good.  Sorry sugar.  I tend to overreact.  Again, I need therapy.  Now.  No, more like yesterday.

Sometimes one just gets carried away...

Monday was an ambitious day.  Back to work, yoga right after school and then my new Zumba class at night.  Why 2 exercise classes on one day?  Mostly because by the time I get home from yoga at 5:45 or so, I'm all wired and energized so another class is perfect especially since I'm all dressed already.  Plus if I had signed up for a different day, by the time 7pm came around I would be too pooped out to go.  I usually get home before 4 and am dead to the world.  By 7 pm I'm in my jammies (who are we kidding?  by 5 pm I'm in my jammies) and it's off to bed by 8:30 or 9.  But not last night!  Man that Zumba is a fast-paced-shake-your-booty-a-thon!  It was super super fun and kicked my butt, but in a good way.  Only issue is that my left ankle started acting up.  It's been bothering me for a few months.  I'm usually fine so long as I'm wearing flip flops or something, but when I put on sneakers it's so painful!  Right at my achilles (sp?) tendon.  And yesterday i pretty much destroyed it.  I got to the point where I couldn't even stand on it comfortably.  That sucks.  And the BEST part?  I slept over 9 hours last night without major interruption!!!  That has been unheard of for the past 4 months.  Whoopee!  It's a happy day.  (aside from the fact that I'm about to go to the doctor for some cooch issues that will remain nameless at this juncture)  Long day ahead of me with Back to School night tonight.  Not a big deal though...

So my friend finds out on Thursday.  Lots and lots of baby baby baby prayers out to her.  Can I mention here that girlfriend OD-ed on progesterone?  Who knew one could?  Sometimes one just gets carried away when sticking things up their cooch I suppose.  :-)

My cycle should start next week.  Is it me or does it feel like it's been months of waiting?  Man!  I just want to get it done.

No! I'm infertile, remember?

So what comes in the mail today?  A summary of our blastocysts that we filled out on the day of the transfer back in APRIL!!!  (cycle 2)  Why on earth would they need to send that to me now?  Oh!  Thanks for reminding me that we had 12 blastopcysts and NONE of them worked out...thanks a lot!  I really needed to remember that. 

OK, so there's this lady at work who i almost never come into contact with.  Literally in 8 years I've had maybe 4 conversations with her.  The last time I saw her was about one year ago.  This woman that I barely know asks me then, "When are you going to have kids?"  While for most this is an innocent, albeit intrusive, question, for me it creates a great deal of anxiety.  Depending on the day, I could respond with a pleasant "Oh, we're trying, you know how it is!"  On a different day I might just shrug my shoulders and smile.  On that particular day with this lady I said "Well we're having infertility issues, so...yeah, I just had a failed IVF cycle...but we're going to do it again!"  TMI!!  Why did I have to just let it all flow out?  Awkward.  So she was cool with it and gave me the old "It'll happen" response.  So I see this lady today...again I haven't seen her in a year.  We're talking about the school year starting...small talk stuff.  Then she says "Do you have children of your own?"  (at schools we often speak of "our kids" meaning our students so this phrasing wasn't at all odd)  I give it the old "No...not yet"  (um...obviously you do not remember our previous conversation dumb ass).  Then she says "But you've been married for a long time, right?  How long has it been?" I'm thinking JESUS CHRIST LADY!  WHY ARE YOU SO GOD DAMN NOSY?  Really.  What is her point?  Since we've been together so long and haven't had kids that maybe there's a problem?  BINGO!  She's right.  I wish I had thought to say "No!  I'm infertile, remember?"  Ugh.

what I would really like is a diet Sprite

So when the psychics said that I need to "stop trying so hard" to get pregnant (see previous blog entry), what did they mean?  As someone who can't concieve naturally (have I mentioned that my tubes are busted??  IVF is the only option) I have to try hard.  Nature ain't cuttin' it.  So, my theory had been that maybe they meant I should stop being so crazy careful about everything.  I usually make this iced tea with anti-oxidant boosting, caffeine-free tea with agave syrup instead of sugar.  This makes me feel that I'm being healthy.  So sure one day I came to the horrifying realization that the tea that I thought was caffeine-free actually was caffeine-FULL.  Great.  So then you go through all the madness about whether or not that was the one factor that made the difference between the positive and negative HCG test.  I know it's crazy.  And I'm not still obsessing.  Really I'm not, I promise.  BUT, what I would really like is a diet Sprite.  A little artificial sweetener?  Can that hurt 2 weeks before I even begin my cycle?  Can't possibly, right?  I think the psychics would want that.  Now, THAT'S what I call relaxing...

I don't mean to keep beating this dead horse, but how can spellcheck just disappear???  It was there and now it's not.  Where did it go?  I really really like spellcheck.  It allows me to be careless when writing.  Careless = interesting, creative, dare I say entertaining?  Worrying about spelling is stifling me.  I want it back.  ASAP.

Man, I want this

Had a wonderful morning with fabulous husband, Russ...Started at my weight watchers meeting (he ran errands while I went to the center for the weigh in and meeting).  I lost 3.4 pounds this week!  Yay me.  Honestly I hoped for more, but can I really complain?  No.  I have to say though that I really didn't eat much this week so it's no wonder I lost.  I wasn't hungry though either, so that's what matters I guess.  Keep on keepin on.

Can I digress for one second?  Can I tell you that I ate a Snickers bar the other day under absolutely no suspicious circumstances.  Usually I wolf one down in the car after a visit to the grocery store.  I hide the wrapper someplace in my car so Russ can't find it.  This time I accounted for the Snickers (5 points for an almond one) and ate it in full view of the world and Russ.  It wasn't nearly as satisfying as others have been in the past.  Hmm.

So after the meeting we went to the farmers market that's held every Saturday.  I had it all planned out to get a Nutella crepe that they make there and man!  It was better than I could have ever expected.  MmmmmMm!  It's like a festival atmosphere with vegetable stands and bakeries set up.  I love it!  Families are everywhere and it's just a good vibe that I can't get enough of.  So I say to Russ, "When we have a family, I think we should come here every week together to get vegetables and other good things."  And Russ said "We are a family and we can come here every week."  He's good for perspective isn't he?  He's absolutely right (as always, it gets a little annoying sometimes doesn't it?).  We are a family regardless of what happens.  So of course that got me a little misty...that comes easy these days. 

As we walked, we noticed two little Asian girls, maybe 3 years old.  They were twins and their parents were white so we assumed that they were adopted.  We spoke and joked a little about going up to them to ask questions about what the adoption process was like and if it was "worth it" (totally kidding).  Anyway, we walk a little further and suddenly I feel this little hand grab mine.  My heart melted!!!  I looked down and it was one of the twins.  She obviously thought I was her mom for a minute and when she saw she looked terrified.  (I remember this exact thing happening to me when I was little - I saw some hairy legs and thought it was my dad and it so wasn't.  I was horrified).  So I just told her it was OK and showed her where her mom was.  I told Russ what happened and a few seconds later I'm all misty again!  And I think that I need to be very honest with myself.  I want that.  I want a little girl to mindlessly put her hand up looking for the security that her mom can provide.  I spend so much time telling myself that "It'll be OK no matter what happens" I think I've never allowed myself to really want this.  Now of course I want it (motherhood), but I really have protected my heart by not allowing it to get set on this whole baby thing.  That little girl broke through that in one half-second!  Man I want this.  I forgot how much.  Crap.  It's going to really suck if it doesn't work.

What happened to spellcheck?  Seriously it's disappeared.  Again I apologize.

So did I mention the fabulous husband?

Holy crap, my meds came today.  It seems there is enough for 2 or 3 cycles!  So much.  I think they just ordered me a ton in case we had to do it again or something.  So now I have all the many, many boxes sitting on my table.  The familiar sharps container is back waiting for the dozens of needles I'll have to dispose of.  Of course the cycle won't even start for another 2, almost 3 weeks!  I'm all exciting but the waiting continues...  This better be it. 

Shall I go over the meds we're using this time?  (a bore for those non-IVFers out there, so sorry, you can skip this paragraph)  (like there are any actual IVFers reading this anyway)  OK, I have 5 boxes of Gonal-F 1050 multi-dose, 6 boxes of Menopur 75, 5 Ganirelix pre-filled, one HCG, Estrace, 103 Endometrin inserts.  Whoa.  That's a lot.  Not to mention the boxes I have left over from last time.  I hope this is a sign.  Maybe I have waaaaay too much medication that I'll get to donate when it's all done because, of course, I'll have the triplets already to go!  Please, please, please?

OK, so my fabulous friend Tammi goes in tomorrow for her IUI.  Big prayers of CONCEIVE! CONCEIVE! CONCEIVE!  go out to her and her eggs (and his swimmers) tomorrow.  She's so brave (and I'm not just saying this because she's one of the few who may be reading this).  Seriously, she'll go tomorrow like it's nothing, get all spermed up and then come back to work!!!  Not me.  I'd have to take the day just to focus on it all and get my head straight.  This is it for them...baby baby baby.

So did I mention the fabulous husband?  He calls me today and says "Do you have 2 seconds?"  Of course I do for him I say.  He tells me that he saw the husband of a disabled woman today at our place.  We're not sure what's wrong with her but it appears she has some sort of degenerative disease.  She has trouble walking and it seems to be deteriorating.  So Russ says that if we never have a baby, we'll be just fine because all he needs is me and if it's just us for the rest of our lives he'll be as happy as can be (that rhyms, but when he said it I don't think he used those exact words).  He said that there are way worse things than this whole infertility thing so we'll be just fine.  So of course I sobbed.  Love him.

I keep meaning to write about school starting and all that stuff but then other stuff comes up and I don't have time...maybe another day.  For now, it's time to get ready for tomorrow.  OH!  And weight watchers!  I'm
counting points like a crazy girl...more about that another day too...

Can't freakin find the spell check on here...what happened to it?  Sorry for the misspellings...

Can I lose 50 poounds in 5 weeks???

So I have approximately 5 weeks before they'll transfer any embryos/blastocysts to me (assuming all goes well). So in an attempt to get healthy before the triplets come =) I joined weight watchers. No one knows this, so hush hush please. I hate being scrutinized every time I eat when people know you're doing WW. Plus my beloved boss is on WW and I really don't need to bond with her like that. So the big question is, can I lose 50 pounds in 5 weeks???

That would be a no. But maybe 10 or 15?

Anyway, it is confirmed that I currently weigh more that I ever have in my life. When we asked Dr. Browne what we can do to help our chances, she said absolutely nothing about my weight and commented that we're both very healthy. I wanted to ask her if she'd looked at me lately (as she was sitting across from me at her table) because clearly I am not at a healthy weight. And, let's be frank, this woman has seen me naked and knows the real deal (not just from regular visits, but from my surgery when she had to make incisions into my fat belly - she knows all the details that lie under there). Anyway, she didn't suggest losing weight and while I would love to think that means I'm healthy, I know that can't be true. Losing weight HAS TO help this process. Plus with triplets coming =) I'll blow up bigger than anyone can imagine so the less I weigh before the better. I'm a dumb ass though for waiting so long. I should have started a month ago. I use IVF as an excuse. I figure if I'm going to get big and fat anyway when i get pregnant, what's the point of losing weight now. It's a ridiculous reasoning method that I use. Anything to allow the bad eating to continue.

I realize why I am FAT (I know that's a harsh word that overweight people don't like to use, but we need to get real here - no sugar coating the truth. Mmm....sugar...). Here are the main culprits:

1. I eat SIGNIFICANTLY more than normal people do. Considering how much I consume (or am capable of consuming) it is a wonder that I'm not 500 pounds. Seriously. I go out to dinner and see what normal people eat and I realize that I am not normal. At WW they talk about never being super full, just "satisfied". I usually eat until I feel sick. But then sometimes I eat my friends under the table and don't even feel that full. My capacity is HUGE.

2. I love food. I know everyone does, but seriously not as much as me. Is there "emotionally eating"? Sure. No doubt. I eat every emotion I have. Anger, sadness, loneliness are the obvious ones, but I also eat when I'm super happy and content. Everything revolves around food. People say that over eaters don't eat because of the food, they eat because they are filling a need that's unmet otherwise. While this might be true sometimes (though seriously I've been searching for my reasons and can't find them considering this has been a life long thing with me) I know that if someone told me I was going to die tomorrow, one of my main regrets would be that I didn't eat more donuts. Seriously. I'd be pissed that I ever ate well. It's all about the food.

Now I know I could go deeper into the whole psychological aspect of the eating thing. I'm choosing to stay right up here on surface, OK? If Dr. Phil ever wants to come over and figure this out, he's welcome to anytime. Oprah would say that I'll never be successful until I face the "demons" causing me to eat. Whatever. She's faced those demons a million times and can't get it right either. Girlfriend likes to eat. So do I.

So now I'm counting points. Fun. Wow. I'm pissed off about it but hopefully will get into it as I find my clothes start to fit me. Oh, did I not mention that part? Yeah, I have no pants that fit me. That's a problem. I mean I can get them on but the comfort level is not one that I'm willing to deal with. The other day I was confident that I was going to split my trouser jeans. I couldn't even lift my leg to get up the stairs. Weirdly they didn't look obscenely tight (I asked some reliable people) but they were. Plus I had my period. Good combo there.

OK, time for my yogurt. Wish me luck...

So now we wait

So insurance must have gone through because my medication is ordered and on its way! Cycle 4 should take place in little over 3 weeks. Yay!!! So now I have to get myself off caffeine and artificial sweetener. Maybe one more weekend of it and then I'll stop?

Did I mention that Dr. Browne said that if there isn't a successful pregnancy after the 4th IVF attempt, the chances of it working ever (like in future attempts) go way way down? Great. Talk about pressure. This could be our last chance. But I know it really isn't. So what if chances go down? I think we have $$ for one more after this. But what am I talking about? This cycle is going to work, right?

I asked Russ if he'll leave me if I can't have his kids. He said of course not. I thought it was a fast answer and that he doesn't know what he'll do until we're in the situation. Of course he's fabulous and I'm really not worried but all I'm saying is that you don't know what you're going to do until you're in a situation and he hasn't really thought about not being able to have kids of his own and if that becomes a reality I just wonder...and worry. Because all I do is worry. Anyone who knows us and is reading this will say that I am crazy. That's true. Regardless I worry about that.

So now we wait. About 3 and 1/2 more weeks. Then the shots begin and the appt.s and the blood draws, and the sonograms (you know, the fun internal ones). That part doesn't bother me that much. Even though there will be a time when we'll do 4 shots a day. What really bothers me is the wait between the transfer and the pregnancy test. Two of the longest weeks ever where I practically lose my mind. How anyone can possibly not be stressed during that time I have no idea. So that's something to look forward to.

If only I could stop thinking...

Went to the doctor today...as expected all is good (OK, maybe I had fears that it would be bad news and I obsessed a little about what they would say, but...I guess I already knew that it was all good). She said that the last cycle looked great. 100% fertilization rate is excellent. I was worried that I only had 8 eggs, but she thinks that's fine. The big news? She wants to put 3 back next time! I'm SUPER excited about it!!! I really wanted 3 last time and I'm glad she's coming around. It does make me worried though that she thinks something is wrong with me and so she wants to put 3 because she' sure 2 won't do the trick (if only I could stop thinking, I'd be far better off).

We can't start until next month, assuming that insurance goes well. The cycle should be approved, but I'm not sure about the meds yet. They were optimistic about it so I guess I am too.

Are blogs the most narcissistic things ever? To think that I'm writing something that I have the audacity to think others would want to read about? Here I am! Pay attention to ME!!! That sounds about right actually now that I think about it. I can definitely be a bit attention-seeking in my behavior. That must be annoying to others.

Seriously, it's really just that all I want to do is read about people going through IVF and I can't find what I'm looking for so maybe someone will find this and find it helpful. I could talk about it all day. Thank God I have a friend who going through similar things. She's doing IUI but other than the procedures, it's all the same. She's starting her IUI cycle this week. It'll work this time.

So it'll be a month or so before we start the cycle. I guess that's a good thing. I can take time to get healthy again. I need to get off caffeine and artificial sweetener. Only need a week for that. Maybe I'm disappointed that we can't start right away. Stupid insurance.