Better but worried

9w3d (yesterday's post was wrong I was 9w 2d)

So I wrote last night's post at about 5:30 after which I never saw that intense bright red again.  It then became lighter and lighter and eventually went to pink.  (let's face it, pink is simply red that's diluted, right?  So a teeny bit of red often shows up pink...it's all blood whether it's red, pink or brown)  Anyway around 7 I decided to call my RE because I had the brilliant idea that I could go to their office this morning during monitoring time to get a quick u/s.  So I call the after hours number and the on-call nurse calls me back who happened to be my nurse!  (my place is huge and probably has over 30 nurses so this was quite a coincidence)  So Farrah tells me that it sounds normal and that they can no longer see me now that I'm released from them. =(   She said that if it got worse and was accompanied by bad cramping I should call my OB.  She assured me that red spotting happens all the time and not to worry.  So I was disappointed because I really wanted her to tell me to run over today and get it checked out.

So this brings me to a few questions.  What is cramping?  Sounds stupid I know, but I'm having trouble defining it.  I've always been a super crampy girl around my period time.  I'm one of those girls who used to throw and have to curl in the fetal position for hours when day 1 hit.  Being on the pill alleviated a lot of that as I got older, but I still was crampy.  The crampiness I'm getting now - and have been getting since I was 4w3d feels exactly like I'm about to start my period, but it's not a sharp cramping pain.  It's a dull, radiating ache that goes all over my abdomen and even down my legs a little.  It's completely manageable - I haven't even thought about taking Tylenol for it.  So I guess I'm saying it's not bad at all and they keep telling me it's normal because I'm feeling my uterus expanding.  And it makes sense to me that if I feel that way when a little lining sheds each month, I certainly should feel that way while life is growing in there bigger and bigger each day.

I have to say that yesterday i felt crampy more often that I have been, so this is what concerns me.  Yesterday I just felt a little off all day.  Usually I feel totally normal all day until late afternoon when I would be hit with some crampiness and just general blah.  It would then go away and come back in the late evening (in general).  Yesterday I was complaining that I was feel more icky than usual.  Russ told me that since I had never been "this pregnant before" I couldn't possibly know how it would feel, so it's all normal.  This comment was comforting, but then of course the spotting began...  Just to be clear, I saw bright red when I wiped only during 2 bathroom visits that were about 20 minutes apart.  It never was enough to leak out onto my pad or anything.  So it's not a lot at all.  Just enough to make me freak out though.

OK, so now what?  Do I wait until Thursday to see my OB?  That will be tough.  I guess I'll see what today brings and decide.  I think that minimally I'll call in the morning and let them decide if they need to see me sooner.

Thanks to everyone who gave me enouraging words last night!!!!!!

Seeing RED

9w3d

HELP! I'm spotting and it's bright red.
It's not a lot, but I don't know (obviously) if it will continue or get worse.
WHAT DO I DO?  Just wait around and see if it gets worse?  If it is the worst and I'm losing the baby, there's really nothing that can be done right? I have no idea what to do and I'm crazy scared.  I guess I'll monitor things or the next few hours, but what if it gets worse?  Do I call the doctor?  And if I do, WHICH DOCTOR?  My IF docs or my regular OB who I haven't officially seen as an OB patient yet.  Ugh.  I don't know what to do.

Please let this be OK.

Veggies are not my friend

9w1d

I need to eat vegetables and I just can't!  I try and I try and they won't go down.  I feel like I'm 4 years old.  What does go down easily?  That would be cake and ice cream.  My birthday celebration seems to have lasted 2 weeks and I've had enough cake and ice cream for a lifetime.  But it never makes me sick.  It's my friend.  I made the most amazing pasta dish with whole wheat tortellini and tons of fresh spinach and tomatoes with garlic and I loved it at first .  Then I brought it eat for lunch and I was literally gagging on it.  What is going on with me?  I need to eat good food, but when i try it just won't happen.  Did i try drinking a V-8?  Yes.  UGH. Never again.  My very favorite salad from Aladdin's?  Took two bites and had to give the rest away.  Chicken Chalupa from Taco Bell?  No problem.  Is it psychological?  I don't know.  I literally gag and can't swallow anything after a bite or two o certain things.  It happens with yummy, bad-for-me food too (wings from Hooters), but it didn't happen right away so I at least I ate a bit before I had to stop.  I'm not sure what to do.  Rice Krispies have become my best friend too.  I'm sure this stage will pass, but I just feel so unhealthy.  (not literally - I feel great...I just think the little peanut needs more than yogurt, cake, and Rice Krispies)

First appointment with my OB is Thursday and it can't come fast enough.  I think I'm going to have to get a fetal heart monitor to ease my mind because I know the days of an ultrasound every 2 weeks is coming to an end. 

I can't believe I'm 9 weeks already.  Wow.  I wonder when it'll sink in...

Jingle all the way

8w4d

WARNING:  I'm am feeling really really happy at this moment and plan to write about how joyful being pregnant is.  Please don't continue to read if you are sensitive to this (trust me, I've been there!) because I don't want you wanting to punch me in the face.

After a few days of feeling empty I have found myself feeling blissfully pregnant this evening and I've decided to take advantage of it by singing a pregnancy jingle.  Here I go:  (to the tune (sort of) of "I Feel Pretty")

I feel pregnant
Oh so pregnant!
I feel pregnant
And full of ba-by!
And I hope that you don't think that i have gone too cra-zy
Who's that pregnant girl in that mirror there?
Who can that pregnant girl be?
Such a glowing face, such a growing waist, such a pregnant me
Such a pregnant me!!!

I figure that with all of the doom and gloom I've been expressing here lately, I needed to let you know that I have some joyfyl moments too.  I feel so gosh darned blessed right now!!  I hope this feeling lasts forever.

Peanut Pic

Here's our peanut at 7w6d
Not the best quality, but the peanut-shaped thing in the black blog is him/her!  The head is pointing left.  Aw...looks just me.  =)

OK, so you think that after having this picture only 3 days ago and seeing that strong heartbeat, I would be feeling great!  And I was!  i was talking about things and really getting excited.  I even read yesterday about miscarriages (on weekly baby center update) and I learned that at 8 weeks with a heartbeat detected, the likelihood if miscarriages drops significantly.  I was feeling great.  Then last night, I started to fill with anxiety.  I felt a weird sensation in my belly - not pain at all, more like a flutter (I KNOW it wasn't the baby! But it's what I would think it would feel like - like a tickle or something) and it freaked me out for some reason.  Also, I'm getting little twinges that feel like they're coming from my cervix - literally it happened maybe 3 times.  Again, not pain.  Just an awareness or something.  I can't explain it.  I keep telling myself that with all of the changes happening in my body, I am going to feel weird things!  I know.  But I'm scared.

So I really think that if I were rich I would buy a sono machine so that I could check in with the peanut as often as I like.  But I'm not rich.

I'm sure everything is fine.  It's morning and it seems that in the morning I feel the most normal and non-pregnant, whatever that means. So the fact that I feel nothing right now is exactly normal.

I need to relax. I know!  It'll be fine.

OK, so my birthday was fabulous!  One of my best friends broke into my office to leave me my favorite hot chocolate from Caribou!  Mmmm...  If you have a Caribou Coffee near you and you haven't tried the new hot chocolate, run right now to get some.  It's crazy ridiculous good.  Please no one remind me that there;s caffeine in chocolate, OK?  It can't be that much, right?  But seriously it tastes like a cup of melted chocolate.  Then my love-fest team (one of the teams of teachers I work with who are the best and we constantly tell each other how great we think each other is) threw a party for me.  I knew it was coming because we always celebrate birthdays big, but it was extra special.  It was really nice. Their gifts were mostly baby-related (baby books and stuff) and I got all blubbery thanking them for not only the party but for being so supportive over my IVF journey.  I HATE crying at work.  But it's all good...

OK, back to positive thinking and realizing that we are going to meet this little peanut one soon. I'll try!

Our peanut

7w6d

Ultrasound number two was fabulous! I cannot believe how much it's grown in just a 9 days! It looks just like a little peanut in the shell. (I have a pic and may post it later when I get to it...I'm not the most technical person with my pics.)  They pointed out the head and it really looks like a baby is in there! The heartbeat is 156 and the size is "great" - didn't ask for details. I think that it's finally starting to sink in. We're having a baby!!!

The sad (albeit exciting) thing is that I had to say goodbye to my doctor! If all continues to go well, i will not have to step foot in a fertility clinic again!  But I LOVE my doctor and she just kept hugging me and was all teared up as we said goodbye.  She gave me great feedback on the OB that we're going to.  She said they're her favorite and that she's very friendly with them all.  What a relief!  See mom?  I knew I picked well =).  It was so weird to leave that place...They gave me some paperwork to bring the OB - just info from this last cycle and the two ultrasounds.

Russ is ecstatic!!!  I'm not sure I've ever seen him look so happy.  I think he's finally allowed himself to accept that this is real too.  He even started asking me about the nursery and said we can go shopping now!  I'm not sure I'm up for all that just yet, but I'm glad he's ready.  While I'm still very aware that we're not completely out of the woods yet, it does feel good to be happy about it all.

Have I mentioned that people have started giving me gifts?  I came back today and found another one on my desk.  First my team gave me a little toy, then a teacher made me this little bonnet - it's the sweetest thing.  It's not be worn, more for decoration (I think - it's so tiny and fragile).  And then one of our psychologists gave me an outfit today.  It feels a bit strange, but it's all so sweet!  So far I've kept everything here in my office.  I feel funny bringing it home just yet.  People are so nice.

So next step is our first appointment with the OB on Feb. 4.  Only 2 weeks away.  I know I'll be dying to have another look at our little peanut by then.  I asked Dr. Browne if they would treat me special or give me more attention because of my history and she said no, I was normal and didn't require it.  Ah!  I love being normal.  I hope i stay normal and healthy.  Maybe tomorrow for my birthday Russ can arrange for me to just sit with a sono machine hooked up to me so that I can just look at our peanut all day.  I wouldn't put it past him to do that...  haha

Feeling icky - yay!

7w4d

I think it's safe to say that the exhaustion has set in. Russ says we're no longer allowed to go to the movies since the two we went to this weekend found me napping throughout. Wierdly I didn't feel all that tired last week when i was working. We'll see how this week goes.

I'm still crampy and today was just icky and nauseous and dizzy. I swear I feel like I'm getting the flu. It literally feels like a truck has hit me. My muscles hurt. It's been like that for a couple weeks. I thought it was from being so sedentary over the holidays but I've been moving around for the past 2 weeks so maybe it's a symptom?

I went to the gym for the first time yesterday and today. Just the treadmill. I'm so afraid of falling off that I hold on the whole time. I must look stupid walking so slowly and holding on for dear life.

I turn 36 on Thursday. I'm so grateful to be pregnant at 35 - that was a goal of mine. I realize that I'm quickly turning 36 but just knowing that I started at 35 is weirdly comforting. I can't help thinking as I write this that I hope I'm still pregnant Thursday. I know what you're thinking and I promise I'm not dwelling in the negative possibilities, but I can't wait for the ultrasound Wednesday. Feeling so crappy this weekend has given me comfort that our little guy is still in there, but you know me...I'll believe that when i see it.

Speaking of "our little guy" I seem to have confused some people. None of you, just relatives. I sent the first ultrasound picture to my mom with the sentence "Here's our little guy". She then forwarded it to a bunch of people.  Next thing you know, people are calling her amazed that with technology today they can already tell it's a boy! That's not what I meant, I just used the phrase little guy.  Like they could possibly tell at 6 weeks! So funny... I do have boy vibes though, have I mentioned that?

7 weeks

So it's still early, but then I think to myself that it's almost 2 months and 2 months sounds like a long time.  And then I realize that the mind tricks are starting again...Wednesday we have ultrasound #2 and it can't get here fast enough.  Then I have an appt with my OB on Feb. 4.

My mother (who is normally not annoying at all, I swear!) is making me second guess my doctors, our hospital and even the prenatal vitamins I'm taking. She said "Are you sure your doctor is the best?  Have you researched them?  What about the hospital?  You take over the counter prenatals?  Oh."  She works for an OB/Gyn and has much knowledge...  And then the kicker was when we were discussing miscarriage rates at this stage in an attempt to both ease our minds and not get too excited since it's still so early.  She actually asked me if the miscarriage rate at 6 weeks was.. "what?  50/50?"  MOM!  No.  Of course at the time I had no figures in my head but knew that it is not 50%! So then I looked it up and its 5%.  So perhaps she doesn't have as much knowledge as I thought.  I just don't get why at this time I'm seeing this side of her that is making me feel so insecure!  I know it's all coming out of love and concern, but I've never had this issue before.  Do you know she still makes me feel bad about not getting my first beta up in Buffalo over winter break?  "Too bad we could have celebrated together..."  This whole thing is bringing out the worst in her and I'm afraid it might get even worse.  And I'm hesitant to even type it and put this thought concretely out in the world, but it almost makes me glad that I live far away.  But I know that no matter how these little annoyances bother me, the joy we would get about having her close would far surpass it.  (See how I had to recover really quickly there?  I have a fear that I'll die and then this blog will be out there for the whole world to see, and it could be viewed as my final thoughts and then my mom will read this and it will haunt her forever.  What?  You didn't know I was certifiably crazy?  Oh.  I thought I made that evident months ago.)  And PLEASE, no one comment about how my mom needs to mind her business.  I just had to vent about it, but I'll fight to the death if anyone else says something negative about her!  =)  (come on, you know how that goes...)

So at this moment I'm rather nauseous.  Yay!  Not that I want to puke my guts up, but puking in general would be quite comforting.  I was woken up again last night with cramps and nausea.  These little things help confirm that there is life in there doing it's thing.

ONE Heartbeat!

6w4d

OK, now I get it.

We actually saw the little guy!!!  This is very real.  Everything looks GREAT!!  The babies heartbeat was 113 and I have no idea what that means, but she said it was strong. 

When she first went in she did a lot of poking but didn't really say anything and then, sort of under her breath, I heard "there's the sac..." and then FINALLY she says everything looks good and there's a heartbeat!  I sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.  THAT'S WHAT I'D BEEN WAITING FOR!  I hadn't even cried yet and that's so unlike me.  But here we were and it suddenly has all become real.  We made a baby!!!  I was crying so hard and shaking that she couldn't get the measurements right until I calmed down.  (Cause I was trying to do that quiet cry thing where all I do is shake and sob and try not to sound like a dumb ass)

Dr. Browne just hugged and us and was beaming and then Farrah was too... I only go back there one more time and that makes me sad.  I'll go on 1/20 for another ultrasound and then they release me.  I have to make an OB appt for 3-4 weeks from now.  I really wish I could stay with them - we've been through so much.

Also right then and there they gave me an H1N1 shot.  I wasn't expecting that!  They were surprised that I didn't already have a regular flu shot and advised me to get one.

We are so happy and relieved.  We're finally exciting and believing that it's really happening.  I hope this feeling lasts!!

6w2d

Since the obvious goal for most of us here is to become pregnant, I was always disappointed when ladies I'd been following finally do get positive results only to drastically decrease their blog posting frequency.  I would think to myself "Wait!  Now that you're PG, don't leave us out!!  I want to know what this time is like!  Please don't stop sharing!"  I have to be honest and say that I sort of thought that they had bigger and better things to do now that they were on the other side and they had now sort of left us behind.  I even once thought that maybe they didn't want to be jinxed by us IFers out there now that they were normal and expecting. 

Well...I think I figured it out.

As my husband knows only too well, all of that was just my mind working overtime again.

The reason why PG bloggers decrease they're blogging is because THERE'S NOTHING TO SAY.

Oh, I could go on and on and on about my fears (though those are subsiding) and anticipation (though I'm still not ready to embrace the fun and exciting possibilities),but I really don't have anything new to say. 

I feel like a completely normal, non-pregnant person in the morning and then in the evening I get dizzy and nauseous and crampy.  Same ol thing.

What is exciting is the ultrasound on Monday.  It feels like it's been forever.  I'm hopeful that we'll see our little guy with our own eyes and that will make it real.

By the way, I bought the Dr. Oz baby book and I'm really not impressed.  I'm only 1/3 of the way through, but so far it's not meeting my needs.  It's good information,but not as specific as I'd like.  In a way though, it makes me relax a little because he doesn't talk about a ton of stuff to avoid and that makes me happy to think that maybe i don't have to be so hyper about everything.  He even said that artificial sweetener is fine (there's no study to say that it's bad - which was shocking to me because I thought there was indisputable proof that it effected brain development) but that it's probably not a good idea to fill a growing fetus with chemicals.  Anyway, maybe it'll get better, but i have sort of stopped reading it.

Finally, two bloggy friends have experienced the worst this week.  One miscarried at 11 weeks and the other at 6 weeks.  While my heart aches for them, what I really am is f-ing pissed off at the world about it.  I'm not saying that anyone deserves a miscarriage, but couldn't people who have already been through so much be spared?  My 6 week PG friend was on the exact same track as me (same retrieval date, same due date) and I was so excited to share all the milestones with her.  Of course this also reminded me of how easily this could all go away (like I needed that reminder...it's all I think about).  Every time IVF didn't work for me, I always just said that "well, those just weren't our kids".  They just weren't.  I mean they were, but not the ones we would know and love.  It helped me to think that ours were yet to be made and that for some reason ours just weren't ready to go yet.  My miscarriage last year was at 6w1d, but I never really thought I as pg anyway since our numbers were so low all along - I never had that OMG we;re pregnant moment, so i feel like it doesn't count.  Anyway, there aren't words to try and comfort people who are in such a tragic situation, but I just hope that the pain eases quickly and they find peace in their hearts soon.

Much Better!

Huge thanks to everyone who helped me feel more secure yesterday!!  It was a little freak out moment, but I am better now.  Do I feel pregnant yet?  Not so sure, but at least I'm realizing that it might be normal to feel that way.  Monday's ultrasound is still so far away!

I was woken up again last night by cramping and the need to use the bathroom.  It lasted about 15 minutes and then I was completely fine.  It's so weird, but I'm glad it's consistent.  And, again, I wouldn't describe it as real pain - more like a radiating ache everywhere, accompanied by severe nausea, and chills.  It's one of those moments where I feel like if only I could throw up, maybe I would feel better.  This has been happening since before my first beta and like I said it is exactly like how I used to get my period back when i was a teenager.  I'll ask my doctor about it Monday when I see her.

I'm also going to ask about exercise.  I know it's good to do, but I want specifics.  In the fall, I took a yoga class and a Zumba class.  Zumba is like Latin aerobics - very high energy, though not high impact.  The problem is that they're both on the same day and I'm thinking that might be too much.  I also have a gym in my building so getting exercise isn't a problem (so long as I actually get up and DO IT =).

I never read about anyone discussing this, but I'm putting it out there:  sex.  I'm waaayyy to scared to have it.  Everything I've read says it's totally fine.  Dr. Oz even said it's good to do, but be sure to prepare for bright red bleeding after!  No thanks.  So I need my doctor to specifically tell me what's ok...

And I've decided that the lack of bloat that I feel (which I thought was baby related) was actually eating-everything-I-want-for-2 weeks related.  Now that I've been eating well, my pants fit and I feel so much better, but that might be why I felt less pregnant.  But it wasn't a baby - it was chicken parmigiana and chocolate cake (and cookies and chicken finger subs) (and french fries and Chinese food) (and pasta and bread and butter!).  Mmmm...it was a fun few weeks.

Feeling empty

I know I'm being ridiculous and I know what everyone will say (but please still say it anyway - I obviously need to hear it!)...it's just that I don't feel pregnant.  I was lying in bed before my alarm went off and just got the feeling like I was back to normal. 

One of the reasons why this is ridiculous is because last night I spent a good 2 hours on the couch because I felt so queasy and icky.  I've been getting this feeling like I used to get right before my and during my period.  It's not so much cramps, but more of a full body ache.  I don't know if anyone else has ever felt it, but it almost feels like cramps that go down into your legs and up all over the abdomen and it puts me right out of commission from doing anything.  Over this past week it's been accompanied by the usual nausea and chills.  It last for a little while, usually 30-45 minutes and then goes away.  This used to always happen to me in high school.  Once I started the pill I never had it again.  But that's what been happening to me...not typical pregnancy symptom, but it's something. 

But that's all I've been feeling and I need more symptoms to convince me that we have a keeper here.  Keep in mind that my mother never had one pregnancy symptom throughout both of her pregnancies.  She says that she wouldn't have known anything was different had it not been for occasional kicking.  She says she never felt so good in her life, full of energy.  So maybe that will be me, right?

I want to ask for a 4th beta...better to get bad news now than wait for Monday.  But I'm nervous about that too. 

OK, I need to get my head on straight and realize that all this is normal and there is a little guy or two in me and I need to relax!!!  There is no way that I could sense something being wrong...except for that I think of course I would sense it and I am sensing it.

Obviously I've been up too long and I'm sleepy (and about to start my day - great!) and crazy.  Sorry to ramble about all my insecurities...I know I need to cherish this time, but that a challenge for me right now.

In better news I saw pregnant women at Target the other day and did not want to punch them in the face!!  I was happy to see them.  More on that experience later...only significant because I was in the baby section buying stuff for a friend and for the first time in forever it was no big deal to be there!  Although I wasn't excited to be there and look at stuff either.  Caution.  You know.

OK, off to getting ready for work...maybe I'll throw up today!!

Beta #3

3524 at 5w4d pregnant...

YAY!!!!

What's really weird is that my level on Thursday was 881 and 3524 is exactly four times that.  Very precise, huh?  Of course I wanted the number to far exceed the doubling, but I have to be happy with what I've got.  I don't always have to be an overachiever, right??

First ultrasound is next Monday 1/11.  A whole week away.  Feels like forever.  Is there one or two in there??  I'm guessing one, but you never know...

The pink spotting completely stopped and my nurse told me that it's a very normal side effect of the endometrin.

So, all is good in the world of Johnson...

I need to be full of joy and I basically am.  But then, just as I'm getting all happy, I read something that brings me back to the reality that terrible things can go wrong.  I need to stop googling!!!  I should block it so that I can't have access to it.  (I learned that you can have levels over 3000 and still have no fetus - it wasn't necessary for me to learn that!  Ugh)

The reason I was even googling anything is because I feel like while our numbers are strong, they should be higher considering that I'm now 25dp5dt.  It's still right where it should be, but I'd like powerhouse numbers just to make me feel better.  I wish I had another beta.  I know - stop worrying, right?  I'll try...

Some pink

OK, so I'm spotting some pink.  UGH.

I know that it's normal.

I know that almost everyone I've ever known who was pregnant has had some spotting here and there.

I first saw it on my endometrin applicator about 2 hours ago and now I have some very faintly when I wipe. 

And I'm supposed to go to sleep now? 

I know there's nothing I can do.  If this is a sign of worse to come, then there's nothing more that I can do.  I was really loving that I didn't have any anxiety before now though. 

Please let it go away.

Maybe this it for us...

So I bought Dr. Oz's book, YOU: Having a Baby.  I didn't crack it open until I had my 2nd beta number on Thursday.  I'm not sure if it was a good idea to get it or not.  I feel like an impostor as I read about it all.  I know that technically I'm pregnant, but I'm so not out of the woods yet that I feel like I don't have the right to put myself in the same category as real pregnant women.  I feel silly even referring to myself as pregnant and was to add "for now..." at the end to let everyone know that I know what's up - that this could easily all go away.

Tomorrow is beta #3.  It should be over 3,000 by now.  Come on, HCG!!!  All i feel is a little queasy sometimes, sort of like motion sickness.  Some cramping at times, but usually that's in the middle of the night and accompanies a bathroom visit (you know how when you have your period and get all crampy and have to poop?  OK, maybe it's just me...) and then it's gone.  My pants feel tight, but I'm smart enough to know that it's because of the 45,000 cookies and other crap I've eaten in the past 3 weeks.  There's no way my uterus has expanded enough to make my pants tight.  I don't feel tired, but I also haven't worked in forever.  Tomorrow will be the test...ugh...back to work.

To be totally honest (and I'm risking a major jinx here), I kinda feel like this just might work out.  I'm not getting to comfortable with it - there's still major self-preservation happening, but maybe this is it for us.  I sure hope so...