This could be real

Beta #2 is in and I'm at 881!!!  That's about a 150% increase in 48 hours.  Wow.  This could be real.  Now I go back Monday for another check and then they'll tell me when the first ultrasound will be.  My guess is that it'll be late next week or early the week after.

I'm still not super excited, though I think it is starting to sink in a little bit.  It occurred to me this morning that there will eventually be some discussion over the gender of this baby.  It's so funny how every time I've ever heard someone say "We don't care if it's a boy or girl, only that it's healthy", I've always thought they were full of crap and just didn't want to take sides or upset their spouse.  I truly don't care even a little about that and it has hardly crossed my mind that either is an option, probably because it's barely crossed my mind that this is happening.

I feel really good today.  A little heartburn, but not bad.

So it's New Year's Eve and I feel I should reflect.  It's very hard for me to reflect on 2009.  Three days ago I would have said that 2009 was the worst year of my life.  Now i can't possibly say that.  So I'm not sure how I feel about 2009...it's brought me the greatest joy and pain so I guess i can't complain too badly...Happy New Year everyone!!!

Really?

Is it possible that we got call yesterday saying that we're pregnant?  It feels like a dream and I quite honestly don't believe it.  And I don't mean that in a flippant "OMG!  I can't believe it!" way.  I mean that I literally think they may have made a mistake or something. 

I listened to the voicemail again last night and she definitely said it was all good - and I realized that she said my HCG was 371, not 375.  I really don't believe it though and am looking very forward to my second test tomorrow.

It's so cliche to be in this position and feel anxious and unsettled because of all the past disappointments, but it's really how I feel.  I am fully prepared for this to go wrong.  I am trying to stay positive and send good energy flowing throughout my body, but I'm just saying that I've sort of braced myself for the impact of bad news should it come tomorrow or next week or next month.

Russ says he won't relax until he/she graduates from high school!  I think it will sink in before that for me =) but I can't imagine being so secure with this that I'll actually buy stuff!  And, let me tell you, I have done more (premature) online baby shopping (more like research and browsing, no purchases made) than anyone I know!  Of course that was back when I was in cycle 1 or 2 and thought this would actually work.  Now I'm too scared to even think about that stuff.  And really, scared isn't the word.  I feel like I'm denial - like I won't allow myself to process this yet.  I guess I'm in self-preservation mode and that seems normal.  I just wish I had a guarantee that this was going to last.  Of course there aren't guarantees that anything is ever going to last and I should just love this moment and cherish it.  Easier said than done.

I don't think I have any symptoms, but it's sooo early - I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow.  I am a little nauseous, but that's about it.  No more crampiness but that might come back, I'm such a crampy girl and I can't imagine I won't be throughout this.  I'm not sleeping, that's for sure.  And yet it's not like my mind is filled with baby thoughts or anything.  Hmm...this isn't anything like I thought it would be. 

(OK, so literally I just read that I wrote that I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow and my mind was like WHAT?  Who? And I mean that literally, as if it was news to me - in fact I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm insane.  So clearly the news has not even started to sink in.)

If what they're telling me is true, it means there is a person growing inside of me and that's just crazy!!!  OK that's my final thought on this for the morning...

At long last...

We have a winner!  My hcg is 375 at 14dp5dt.

I'm in a complete state of shock and feel silly writing this because my mind is telling me there is no way this real, so why am I telling all these people about it? 

We let the call go to voicemail and listened to it on speaker together.  Farrah, my nurse, was all excited to tell us that the test was positive and that I should now drop back to 2 endometrum a day and keep with the estrace twice a day and I go back Thursday for another beta.

Whoa.  This is really weird.  I'm not excited, not anxious.  Just relieved if anything.  It definitely has not hit me that this is real and we might actually have a baby (and as I wrote that - "baby" - I was hesitant that I might jinx the whole thing by putting it into words).  I can't believe it might be our turn finally.  I feel so very strange. 

Physically i feel very nauseous but I think that's just from the waiting all morning and the news.  It's more heartburn than queasy I think.  Other than that I feel nothing, which is normal.  Although, i swear I feel something in there doing it's thing.  Like a heaviness in my belly.  (Of course i felt that same thing last cycle when there was indeed nothing going on)

HUGE thanks to everyone for their prayers and good wishes.  The support of my friends (real-life and cyber) has been a true gift. 

Now I realize that I cashed in most of your prayers already, but please keep a few coming in hopes that my levels rise as they need to.

Whoa...is this real???

Beta Eve

So we decided to drive home today which means that we voluntarily postponed my beta until tomorrow.  I'm weirdly not too anxious, although the evening is young, so who knows how I'll feel later.  I've been in this position so many times and I am 100% prepared for bad news.  I'm holding out some hope that it'll be good news, but am realistic that it's most likely not. 

I have to say that if it is good news, I will be very shocked.  I have never felt more without child.  Experience has taught me that what I feel means nothing so I'll just wait and see.  It would be sooo nice to get good news!  I have to try hard to not think about it.

I DID NOT pee on any sticks.  For me the numbers are too important, especially after my cycle 2 beta of 15 which would have appeared positive on a stick but that indicated an abnormal pregnancy (even though my levels kept doubling for a week and a half before they stopped my meds and allowed the miscarriage to happen - right in the middle of American Idol I might add...poor timing).

So tomorrow I will wake up and head off to my blood draw.  I'll meet my friend for breakfast after and then get my nails done and this time - for the very first time - I will allow the call to go to voice mail.  Can i do it?  I don't know, but that's the plan.  I can't bear to have that awkward silence on the phone after they tell me that it's negative.  And, of course, I'm hoping that a change in routine will mean a change in the outcome.  And Russ isn't even going to be home with me (I don't think).  What's the point?  If it's negative I'll be fine (well, not fine but alright by myself) and if it's positive it'll be the happiest phone call ever and he'll come home and we'll celebrate.

Until tomorrow...

To pee or not to pee

10dp5dt

To pee on a stick or not to pee on a stick...that is the question.

I feel very not pregnant. 

Last cycle i would have bet everything that I was.  And I wasn't.

Official beta day is Monday...we may wait til Tuesday.

Do I pee on a stick and get it over with??? 

I've been living in the bliss of possibility and haven't really been obsessing about it at all.  Until now!  I think I'm better off in this place where whatever will be will be.  Testing now will make me crazy until I get that beta...What to do??

It sure feels good...

So we leave tomorrow for Buffalo where we will spend the week at my parents house, which is the house that I grew up in.  I'm excited to see family and friends, especially now that I've found Christmas spirit!  Today Dr. Oz was talking about how progesterone is like Valium and is the soothing hormone.  Is he ever right!  I sure feel soothed.  In fact I wish I could feel like this all the time.  This is by far the easiest 2ww I've had.  I don't know if it's because it's #5 or because it's Christmas or what but I like it!  I'm all happy and just in the best mood ever!

So my beta is scheduled for 12/28.  We're still supposed to be away and are actually driving home that day.  I think I've decided to move the beta to the 29th.  I know.  I could find out one day earlier.  Am I crazy?  I just have to say that I'm enjoying the possibility of being pregnant so much that I I don't mind waiting.  Prolonging the bad news is just fine with me.  And if it happens to be good, then my numbers will be even higher.   We could cut the trip short but I feel like I've barely seen my family in so long because I'm always having to come home for IVF stuff.

And I have a secret.

My nurse told me I should do a home test!  Now I am completely against HPTs for those of us IVFers.  I just think it feeds into the mind games we're already playing.  If it come back negative, we're crushed but still hold out hope.  If it comes back positive, we're excited but are sure it's wrong until we get the blood test and the call from our nurse.  I just think it's a bad idea any way you look at it.  But since my nurse kinda told me to do one on the 28th, what can it hurt?  NO!  I can't.  And Russ says no way too.  AND there's no way I'm telling my mom about this option.  But wouldn't it feel so good to pee on a stick and get the lines???  I'd feel so normal!  I don't think I'm going to do it, but who knows how I'll feel in a week.  Right now I'm just going to wallow in the bliss of hope that I have!  It sure feels good...

I'm not mad at ya...

Pet Peeve of the Day:
PG women who forget their IF roots.

There's this one girl I know who is happily expecting.  She went through waaaaay more cycles than anyone I've ever had contact with - 9 IVFs (although by now don't we all feel we know IVF Queen, Brooke Shields?).  She is in the home stretch with 8 weeks to go.  She has now gotten into the habit of complaining about being pregnant.  Now I'm sure there are things to complain about.  I know there will be pain and discomfort, inconveniences, and frustrations.  I completely understand that pregnancy brings with it much to complain about.  I don't, however, see how anyone can complain about being pregnant.  Do you see the difference? 

Consider these two statements:  1.  "I'm so big and fat that I can't even think about bending over to tie my shoe!" and 2.  "I'm so big and fat that I can't even think about bending over to tie my shoe!  Please, can't this pregnancy just be over?!"

I realize I'm being hyper-sensitive (and I've earned the right to be, thank you), but if that's how you want to handle the last weeks of pregnancy, just please remember that there are girls out there still fighting the fight and SHUT UP about it.  Go complain to your naturally conceiving friends so that they commiserate with you and you can all have a good laugh.  You'll probably end up making emasculating comments about your husbands too while you're at it (another huge pet peeve of mine!  Yeah, let's talk about how stupid and useless our husbands are to women we barely know - and often within earshot of said husband...and then let's wonder why husbands find comfort and status by having affairs - man!  I'm on a role today!).

My point to PG IF ladies?  Remember your roots.  Remember how emotionally painful infertility was.  How does it contrast with the physical pain of pregnancy?  Childbirth?  Would you trade one for the other?  I highly doubt it.  If you insist on complaining about your pregnancy, I only hope that it gives you great comfort.  Comfort because you are now like everyone else.  Dare I say normal?  That must feel soooo good.  For once to finally feel like a reproductively normal woman.  Hmm...maybe now I understand.  OK, I'm not mad at ya.

(This blog is better than therapy)

THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING

What a difference a day makes.

Yesterday started out fabulously as we learned that we had some power blasts going back in.  I struggled last night with feelings of great anticipation and anxiety.  And, like always, immediately had a nightmare.  I don't usually have bad dreams, but I always do as soon as I have our embryo transfer!  I feel asleep and within 5 minutes I dreamed that Russ and I were on a train and it got crazy bumpy and jumped the tracks and crashed into a cement wall.  I experienced the feeling of "This is it, we're going to die".  I woke up immediately - Russ was still up watching TV and couldn't believe how fast I went to sleep and had the nightmare - he said I had been asleep for only 5 minutes or so.  I hope I don't have too many more, but in past cycles I have had lots.

OK, so this morning starts with FANTASTIC NEWS!  We have 2 frozen blasts!!!!  I started crying when my nurse told me.  THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING.  Why?  Because now I know, no matter what, that this cycle is not my last.  We already have more waiting for us.  And it also indicates that we are having a powerhouse cycle, giving me more hope that one of the 3 will work.  I can't explain how different I feel about everything.  I want to go out and sing Christmas carols and roll around in some snow and bake cookies.  In other words, I am in the spirit - something I had been avoiding for weeks.  Yes, I'm still going into another holiday season childless, but at least I have a big, huge bucket of hope that I didn't have before. 

Wooooo hooooo!!!

Wait! You mean we have a chance?

And they're in!!!!

Today started with a call from Dr. Browne wishing us luck and informing us that our embryos are super duper fabulous!  She said that all 9 are still growing and dividing and that we even had one grade 1AA (the best possible!) blastocyst ready to go.  She said that this is by far my strongest cycle.  Woo hoo!  She also said that she felt more comfortable transferring 3 instead of 4 as originally planned.  She left it totally up to us, but we agreed that 3 would be good.  I have to say that I was pretty scared of the possibilities 4 could bring.  We really just want one (OK, two - but who's counting?!). 

So the procedure went just fine.  I always get my water intake wrong.  My bladder tends to fill very quickly and seems to be small (based on how often I pee) so I don't even start drinking my water until I get to the office. (you have to have a "moderately full" bladder so that they can use the ultrasound to guide the transfer)  So I peed as soon as I got there - went downstairs this time.  Last time the lady at the desk wouldn't let me go!  Then I started drinking and I only had my small water bottle and I didn't even finish it and, like always, I had to go so bad by the time they got the transfer!  It doesn't need to be that full.  You'd think I'l get it right after all this time.  The catherter didn't hurt at all and they got our 3 babies in there quickly and easily.

So here's the problem.  As you might recall, I was not feeling at all optimistic about this cycle.  In fact, my attitude has been that since we have insurance coverage, we'll go for it but we know it is highly unlikely that it will work.  Dr. Browne has said that had we come to her with cash, she couldn't in good faith do it.  Remember that?  OK, so now here we are in the middle of the best cycle we've ever had!  Of all the cycles we've done, this one has the greatest chance of working.  Great news, right?  Absolutely and I wouldn't have it any other way. 

However.

Living in my pessimistic world was comfortable.  I was starting to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't going to get pregnant.  I knew I could handle bad news in a couple weeks.  This great sense of hope that I have now is already killing me!  It's like Wait!  You mean we have a chance?! 

Holy crap.

Not what I expected.  So emotionally I'm on that roller coaster that's sending me back into the world of possibilities.  This could happen.  And they're in there right now, doing their thing.  Our little guys just trying to make it.  Go go go!!!

(my lap top isn't showing me spellcheck so my apologies for typos!!)

High hopes?

Woke up this morning with no voice mail from the clinic, so I assumed that the transfer was on.  As the nurse advised me, though, I called just to be sure.  I heard back at 10:30 that we were still going ahead with the transfer at 1:15.  I was a little disappointed, but mostly felt panic because I of all the little things I didn't get done on Saturday (grocery shopping and things like that) and I was worried about being stuck in bed for the next few days.  So we go all dressed and ready to go.  The clinic where the embryos are is a good 45 minutes away, but the weather was bad so we left an hour early.   Right about noon they called to say the embryologist took another look and moved us to day 5!  Our embryos are growing so big and strong that they can't figure out who the top 4 are!  This is great news!  Day 5 transfers have a higher success rate and the news made my hopes go up a little bit...but I hope not too high.

I still have one foot in reality - I know what could happen over the next 2 days.  I realize that things could change and that by Tuesday, we may not even have 4 blasts to put in.  The thing is that if they don't make it in the dish, the probably wouldn't have made it in me, so if some don't it's ok - they weren't our babies anyway.  I do wonder if they'll put 4 blasts back at all.  Since a blast is more likely to implant, I would think it's risky to put 4 back and I'm a little nervous about that.  And yet, I want the 4 to go back to boost our chances.  But what if they all take?  Ugh...it's hard.  Reality and statistics tell me that it is highly unlikely all 4 will make it in me, so I should not worry.

So now I had a chance to get to the store and stock up on healthy food to eat while on bed rest.  Yes, they only recommended 24 hours of bed rest, but I take 48 - so what?  After the 24 hours, it's supposed to be 2-3 days of "light activity" and for me that will means being horizontal.  I am taking no chances. 

Have I mentioned the joys of the endometrum suppositories?  I particularly love the crumbs (sorry - that's the only way I can describe it) that come flying out sometimes (yes, those moments might be when I am being particularly aggressive with my wiping - see fall post about stress and my cooch)...it's not so much discharge as it is particles that go everywhere.  Gross.  Other times it's more like Elmer's Glue.  Lovely.  Maybe I could put together a craft project!

Day 2 Report

I realize I didn't give a day 1 report yesterday, so I'll start with that.  Of the 11 eggs, 10 were mature and 9 fertilized normally.  They just called today about the day 2 progress and all 9 are still going strong, growing and dividing just as they should.  They've scheduled me for a day 3 transfer tomorrow, but it's scheduled for the afternoon and the nurse warned me that there's a good chance that they'll move me to a day 5 transfer.  This is great news!  It feels more like the first 2 cycles, not that either of them worked or anything but I always felt like they were strong cycles.  If we go with day 3, I'll feel good about transferring the 4.  If we move to day 5, I might be a little more nervous about it. 

For those non-IVFers out there, a day 5 transfer is good news because it means that the embryos have moved to the blastocyst stage where the embryologist can make the best determination about which ones might be the strongest and most robust.  Obviously if they pick the best ones to go back, there are better chances of success.  The news today tells me that all 9 are still in the running, so the tomorrow they may have a tough time determining who the best are, so waiting until day 5 may be warranted.  Another theory suggests that since they're planning to transfer 4, it's easier to determine the top 4 as opposed to the top 2 or 3 as they've done in the past.  Confusing enough?  I know.  Basically, the point is that having all 9 growing strong is a great sign.  It's the best news at this point that we could ask for.  So tomorrow we'll wait and see what they decide.  I know I'm jumping the gun, but I'm feeling hopeful that there might be some to freeze in there too.  Am i asking too much?  Maybe...

Mixed emotions

So we got 11 eggs today.  My Dr., Dr, Browne was the one who did the procedure and I was just thrilled that she happened to be there today (my clinic is huge!  With 10+ offices and many, many doctors that could potentially perform the procedures - I'm at Shady Grove in the DC area by the way...).

I am in some pain though!  I don't recall ever being like this before, but they say every time is different.  It's just crampy, but my left ovary is pounding.  I have a cyst there and I just wonder if my doctor didn't poke at it a little bit while she was in there...she'd have to tell me if she did right?  Still, i won't take the vicodin they gave me, it makes me feel to loopy.

I feel sooo very negative about this cycle.  If you recall, my doctor told me that if we were paying out of pocket, she would not allow us (in good faith) to continue, though she'd consider using a donor egg.  But since insurance is still covering, we went for it.  Also, they're putting back 4 embryos!  That's so unheard of in this day of the octomom.  One of my fellow bloggers (Hi Sonja!) found out today that she is carrying quadruplets!!!  She transferred 3 and one split!  Holy crap!  It's so bittersweet because obviously it's awesome that she's being blessed with those babies, but I know it's scary to consider the potential complications.  If they put 4 in me, what if some split???  Yikes.  I'll be homeless with a litter of gorgeous children and you know what?  That would be ok =)

Speaking of gorgeous children, it's about time i give some attention to one of my main issues concerning being infertile and the possibility of never having a biological child.  For those who don't know, my marriage is interracial and my husband is black.  We've been together since I was a senior in high school, going on 18 years and we're fairytale happy together.  Coming from a small town,  industrial area like Buffalo and from an old-school Italian family, the relationship caused some stress in the beginning.  It turned out to be just fine - more than fine actually and my family truly loves him (please note my parents loved him from day one and I'm mostly referring to extended aunts, uncles, and cousins of which I have many).  I say this because when people found out he was black, the first thing they said was "Oh my god!!  Your kids are going to be gorgeous!"  or "Mixed babies are the cutest!"  To this day, when people find out that I'm married to a black man 80% of the time, the first thing out of their mouth is some version of "I can't wait to see your kids!!"  Now I KNOW that looks are petty and mean NOTHING in the big picture of life.  But the fact that I won't ever see this kid kills me!  It kills me on a variety of levels.  One being that somehow the fact that we'll have gorgeous kids made our relationship OK in the eyes of so many.  I know - screw anyone who doesn't support us, I know, but this is an issues I haven't totally worked out yet, but am trying to work on.  I cannot see a mixed race family without aching.  And even my friends who mean no harm bring it up often.  They say "You know Tracey we want you to get pregnant for obvious reasons, but also because we just want to see how cute that kid will be!"  It kills me. 

So here's the topper and if he's reading this, please know that I am not angry at all, just in a little pain.  I have a friend who recently married a black girl and they are pregnant.  This means that someone very close to me will be having a mixed baby (that's my term of choice) this spring.  I'm not quite sure that I can handle it.  He brought it up yesterday saying, "She (the wife) wants you to hurry up and get pregnant so we can have biracial play dates!"  He meant it in a fun, supportive way.  He loves that he can relate to me in this way - we share a bond of sorts.  But I almost had to leave the room.  Instead I said "Well that dreams over since we're probably never getting pregnant"  I said it in a sharp tone that I think he understood to mean, don't ever say anything like that again unless I deliver some really good news first.

Anyway, the point is that I have to get over it.  Any baby we adopt ( and we may adopt a mixed baby) will be ours and what they look like doesn't matter.  It's just hard because I've been conditioned for almost 20 years to think that people approve of me and Russ partially because of the beauty we'll contribute to the world in the form of our kids.  It just looks like that's not going to happen and it's hard.   

About to explode - again

And we triggered with no problem - who was worried?  =)

Like always, I feel like I am a balloon about to explode.  And I don't even have that many follicles - there were only 9 or so approaching the 20 mm stage, but man!  I can feel the pressure.  We're all set for the retrieval at 9:45 tomorrow.  We arrive in Rockville at 8:15.  I should be in and out, on the way home by 10:45 or so.  I have to say I love the anesthesia they give you.  You go out so fast!  And then it's like magic and you're back in the original room and every time I look at the clock and am amazed that I was only gone for 15 minutes or so.  They are fast!!!  I hope it goes that smoothly tomorrow...

I hate that it's so early morning particularly since Russ has to do his thing that early - you know what I mean.   Out of respect for him, that's all I'll say. 
(I'm such a child - I can't help but giggle as I write that!  And I think I should be a mother?!)

On a different topic, I got my nails done yesterday and would like to publicly inform all nail technicians that if the customer doesn't ask for an eyebrow or lip wax, they aren't interested.  I don't need this chick reminding me that my eyebrows look like crap.  I know!  And if I wanted her to butcher them (again!) I would ask.  At least she didn't ask about the lip, that's even worse.

So by tomorrow at this time we should have some babies growing...Yay!

Why all the drama?

So we're triggering in a little more than an hour (9:45 PM for a 9:45 AM egg retrieval Thursday).  This involves a 2.5 inch 22 gauge needle in my "upper outer buttocks".  NO BIG DEAL.  So then why do I have such a crazy ritual planned?  Because I'm a big, fat wimp!  I am so scared!  Not only is this my 5th trigger, but for my first 2 cycles I did progesterone in oil which meant 30+ of these same shots.  And I was a trooper!  What is my problem?

At about 9:15, I will prepare the shot.  Super easy - just mixing the HCG powder with the water.  Then I will lay down in bed, lights low, with peaceful meditative music playing while I ice the injection site for at least 15 minutes.  Timing is crucial with this shot, so it I must be ready at exactly 9:45.  Russ will come in and get ready to give it to me and then my heart will pound and I'll take a million deep breaths and will basically feel like I'm on top of a roller coaster hill.  I'll take 3 final breaths and on the 3rd exhale say "OK" indicating that I'm ready for it.  Russ will go in and say "It's in" He'll then pull up the plunger to make sure he didn't hit a vein (he hit one once - holy crap that was a lot of blood!!!) and say "It's all clear" and then he'll inject, ending with "It's out".  It takes maybe 3 seconds and I won't feel a thing.  So why all the drama? 

I'm crazy, that's why.

Trigger tomorrow PLEASE!

I need to trigger tomorrow!  I was hoping that they would trigger me today but they aren't quite ready yet.  Because of that I had to buy one dose of Gonal -F (one shot) for $217.  Now I KNOW that many IVFers out there reading this pay out of pocket for everything and I have no right to complain, but I was not planning on this and have no money.  If they don't trigger me tomorrow, I will have to buy about $1000 worth of meds (for ONE DAY) and I just don't have the money and am really stressed about it.  There is nothing that I can do so there's no sense in thinking about it, but I can't help but worry.

There is barely a place to inject my belly is soo bruised!  I'm up to 4 shots a day and that evil Ganirelix leaves me bloody and bruised.  The worst part is knowing the reality that this cycle will very likely not work.  But we're giving it a "shot", right?  What's with the corny joke?  Oh and there's stress about when I'll have my test and whether or not I'll have to leave Buffalo (where my family lives) early to come back for it, but that conversation is for a different day.  For now, I just have to go ice my belly and get ready for the night's meds...more tomorrow.

I feel good!

Oh the weather outside is frightful...
And I just got back from a monitoring appt.  My follicles are looking great!!  I have 11 that are measurable (between 12 and 15 mm) and 6 that are under 10 ( so those guys probably won't make it to the party).  I go back Monday and I really, really hope that I trigger Monday, although I think that might be unrealistic.  If I don't trigger by Tuesday, I'll really need some more meds and that's stressful.  I can really feel those little guys growing - I'm getting to the stage where I feel like I'll explode!  And I'm crampy and last night I was a little nauseated. 

Last nights Ganirelix shot felt like I was being stabbed with a jagged knife!  And then there was a welt and it stung for a long time.  That last part is pretty normal, but the pain going in was not.  Man it hurt.  Have I ever mentioned that I'm a wimp and Russ performs all injections??  A lady at my clinic said to me the other day, as we were talking about how IVF isn't nearly as scary as we thought before we did it, "It's like the first time you gave yourself a shot - it was hard at first but then no big deal" And I had to confess that I've never given myself a shot.  I remember my first cycle we had to start Lupron while on vacation in Punta Cana, Dominican Republic.  After the first couple days I was going to be brave and do it myself.  I sat there ready to go, needle in hand for 40 minutes!!  I could not do it.  I feel wimpy but actually I like that he gets to be so involved and he's so good at it.  I don't like that I have to wake him every morning, but he doesn't even think to complain.

I'm still all happy - I love hormones (sometimes).  It's so funny, I'm making friends at the grocery store, telling jokes to the receptionist.  It's like I'm drunk and that's OK.  What it would be like to feel like this all the time!  I would love it.  I wonder if anyone does feel this good all the time?  I want to know those people.

So here's to maybe they'll call and say I have to come in tomorrow because they are thinking of triggering me tomorrow (probably not, but I can dream, right?).

It can work!

And we're moving right along.  Another monitoring appt today where I had 5 follicles that were around 12mm and 6 that were less than 10mm (so they don't measure them).  That's about right for me for this time.  They're starting my ganirelix tomorrow which means that they think I'll trigger in the next 5 days or so.  I really want to trigger soon because I'm worried that I'll run out of meds and even though we have insurance coverage for the procedures, my prescription coverage is maxxed out and we have to pay and those meds are SO EXPENSIVE!!!  And I take sooo much.  Tomorrow I move up to 300 of gonal-f in the morning and another 150 at night.  Also at night is 225 of menopur and one syringe of ganirelix.  4 shots a day.  If someone had told me 5 years ago that this is what I'd be doing one day I would have never believed it. 

The shots really aren't bad at all though.  BY FAR the worst part is the wait time until the test.  One of my blogger friends (Hi Cilla!) has her test tomorrow and man I just hope and pray it's positive!  I have to say it's weird to care so much about someone I've never met.  I know I'll cry at her news tomorrow - no matter what the outcome.  And i know (far too well) what a difficult day tomorrow will be.  And I'll have my own day like that in a few weeks.  It's excruciating.  You play little games with your mind, analyze every single teeny feeling you have and wonder if it's an indicator of good or bad news.  It's really awful.  And then the call comes and no matter what the answer (OK, I don't know what it's like to get good news, but I know what bad news sounds like and even once got a "Um...we're just not sure yet" -- my HCG was 15) it feels like a relief because at least I know.  And when it's bad news, it takes a while to remember that you don't have to be careful about carrying and lifting things.  You can have Splenda in your tea.  Oh, and that Malibu and diet coke?  That's fine too.  But for me it takes a while to get back in that mode and every time I say "No, I can't have coffee right now" and then remember that I can - because I'm not pregnant, it's like getting the news all over again.  So basically it sucks.

Sorry to get so negative there.  BIG BOLD POSITVE VIBES out to everyone who is in this right now.  It can work!!! (I would be a non-example of that, but don't let that discourage you)  Despite the reality of the situation, I have been the best mood today!!  I love this part of the process - the hormones start shaking up and I feel so goood!  I hope it continues.  =)

I'm a permanent fixture

I had my first monitoring appt today.  I have 4 follicles on my right and 4 on my left, all under 10 mm.  This is very, very typical for me as I'm a slow starter.  I go back Thursday.

As this is my 5th time going through this, I'm noticing pity looks from the staff at my clinic.  I know they mean well, but I feel like I depress them.  The doctor (not my doc, but the one who was there today) looked at me today and said "I really hope this one works out for you"  and he looked at me like he was going to cry.  I appreciated his sentiment and even the sadness he shared with me, but I felt very pathetic.  I feel like a piece of furniture in that office.  Like if they inventoried their office i would be on the list ("2 reception desks, 18 chairs, 3 sonogram machines, Tracey").  I'm a permanent fixture there. 

We've only been doing shots since Saturday and my belly is SO BRUISED already!  WTF?  And they've been hurting so bad too.  My wimpy ass even uses ice before so i do not get it at all. 

I'm trying to do yoga every single day to "open my energy channels".  We'll see what that does.  I'm really losing hope that there are any tricks out there.  But I'll still try them all!

OK, time for shots.  More updates on Thursday...