What a difference a day makes.
Yesterday started out fabulously as we learned that we had some power blasts going back in. I struggled last night with feelings of great anticipation and anxiety. And, like always, immediately had a nightmare. I don't usually have bad dreams, but I always do as soon as I have our embryo transfer! I feel asleep and within 5 minutes I dreamed that Russ and I were on a train and it got crazy bumpy and jumped the tracks and crashed into a cement wall. I experienced the feeling of "This is it, we're going to die". I woke up immediately - Russ was still up watching TV and couldn't believe how fast I went to sleep and had the nightmare - he said I had been asleep for only 5 minutes or so. I hope I don't have too many more, but in past cycles I have had lots.
OK, so this morning starts with FANTASTIC NEWS! We have 2 frozen blasts!!!! I started crying when my nurse told me. THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING. Why? Because now I know, no matter what, that this cycle is not my last. We already have more waiting for us. And it also indicates that we are having a powerhouse cycle, giving me more hope that one of the 3 will work. I can't explain how different I feel about everything. I want to go out and sing Christmas carols and roll around in some snow and bake cookies. In other words, I am in the spirit - something I had been avoiding for weeks. Yes, I'm still going into another holiday season childless, but at least I have a big, huge bucket of hope that I didn't have before.