Mixed emotions

So we got 11 eggs today.  My Dr., Dr, Browne was the one who did the procedure and I was just thrilled that she happened to be there today (my clinic is huge!  With 10+ offices and many, many doctors that could potentially perform the procedures - I'm at Shady Grove in the DC area by the way...).

I am in some pain though!  I don't recall ever being like this before, but they say every time is different.  It's just crampy, but my left ovary is pounding.  I have a cyst there and I just wonder if my doctor didn't poke at it a little bit while she was in there...she'd have to tell me if she did right?  Still, i won't take the vicodin they gave me, it makes me feel to loopy.

I feel sooo very negative about this cycle.  If you recall, my doctor told me that if we were paying out of pocket, she would not allow us (in good faith) to continue, though she'd consider using a donor egg.  But since insurance is still covering, we went for it.  Also, they're putting back 4 embryos!  That's so unheard of in this day of the octomom.  One of my fellow bloggers (Hi Sonja!) found out today that she is carrying quadruplets!!!  She transferred 3 and one split!  Holy crap!  It's so bittersweet because obviously it's awesome that she's being blessed with those babies, but I know it's scary to consider the potential complications.  If they put 4 in me, what if some split???  Yikes.  I'll be homeless with a litter of gorgeous children and you know what?  That would be ok =)

Speaking of gorgeous children, it's about time i give some attention to one of my main issues concerning being infertile and the possibility of never having a biological child.  For those who don't know, my marriage is interracial and my husband is black.  We've been together since I was a senior in high school, going on 18 years and we're fairytale happy together.  Coming from a small town,  industrial area like Buffalo and from an old-school Italian family, the relationship caused some stress in the beginning.  It turned out to be just fine - more than fine actually and my family truly loves him (please note my parents loved him from day one and I'm mostly referring to extended aunts, uncles, and cousins of which I have many).  I say this because when people found out he was black, the first thing they said was "Oh my god!!  Your kids are going to be gorgeous!"  or "Mixed babies are the cutest!"  To this day, when people find out that I'm married to a black man 80% of the time, the first thing out of their mouth is some version of "I can't wait to see your kids!!"  Now I KNOW that looks are petty and mean NOTHING in the big picture of life.  But the fact that I won't ever see this kid kills me!  It kills me on a variety of levels.  One being that somehow the fact that we'll have gorgeous kids made our relationship OK in the eyes of so many.  I know - screw anyone who doesn't support us, I know, but this is an issues I haven't totally worked out yet, but am trying to work on.  I cannot see a mixed race family without aching.  And even my friends who mean no harm bring it up often.  They say "You know Tracey we want you to get pregnant for obvious reasons, but also because we just want to see how cute that kid will be!"  It kills me. 

So here's the topper and if he's reading this, please know that I am not angry at all, just in a little pain.  I have a friend who recently married a black girl and they are pregnant.  This means that someone very close to me will be having a mixed baby (that's my term of choice) this spring.  I'm not quite sure that I can handle it.  He brought it up yesterday saying, "She (the wife) wants you to hurry up and get pregnant so we can have biracial play dates!"  He meant it in a fun, supportive way.  He loves that he can relate to me in this way - we share a bond of sorts.  But I almost had to leave the room.  Instead I said "Well that dreams over since we're probably never getting pregnant"  I said it in a sharp tone that I think he understood to mean, don't ever say anything like that again unless I deliver some really good news first.

Anyway, the point is that I have to get over it.  Any baby we adopt ( and we may adopt a mixed baby) will be ours and what they look like doesn't matter.  It's just hard because I've been conditioned for almost 20 years to think that people approve of me and Russ partially because of the beauty we'll contribute to the world in the form of our kids.  It just looks like that's not going to happen and it's hard.