Monday, December 28, 2009

Beta Eve

So we decided to drive home today which means that we voluntarily postponed my beta until tomorrow.  I'm weirdly not too anxious, although the evening is young, so who knows how I'll feel later.  I've been in this position so many times and I am 100% prepared for bad news.  I'm holding out some hope that it'll be good news, but am realistic that it's most likely not. 

I have to say that if it is good news, I will be very shocked.  I have never felt more without child.  Experience has taught me that what I feel means nothing so I'll just wait and see.  It would be sooo nice to get good news!  I have to try hard to not think about it.

I DID NOT pee on any sticks.  For me the numbers are too important, especially after my cycle 2 beta of 15 which would have appeared positive on a stick but that indicated an abnormal pregnancy (even though my levels kept doubling for a week and a half before they stopped my meds and allowed the miscarriage to happen - right in the middle of American Idol I might add...poor timing).

So tomorrow I will wake up and head off to my blood draw.  I'll meet my friend for breakfast after and then get my nails done and this time - for the very first time - I will allow the call to go to voice mail.  Can i do it?  I don't know, but that's the plan.  I can't bear to have that awkward silence on the phone after they tell me that it's negative.  And, of course, I'm hoping that a change in routine will mean a change in the outcome.  And Russ isn't even going to be home with me (I don't think).  What's the point?  If it's negative I'll be fine (well, not fine but alright by myself) and if it's positive it'll be the happiest phone call ever and he'll come home and we'll celebrate.

Until tomorrow...


  1. Tracey.. my final results come in on the 31st and i am praying so hard for you right now, for a positive. Em

  2. You have WAY more strength than I do when it comes to resisting the sticks! Hoping that your miracle is in the works.


  3. Tracey...I am keeping you in my thoughts tonight!! Praying that its FINALLY your turn!!! Xox

  4. I cannot believe you didn POAS!! Good for you! I will be sedning the good vibes your way today. Best of luck.

  5. Thinking about and praying for you today. I have a good feeling, not sure why.....but please let us know ASAP. can't wait to hear yur good news!