Wednesday, December 30, 2009


Is it possible that we got call yesterday saying that we're pregnant?  It feels like a dream and I quite honestly don't believe it.  And I don't mean that in a flippant "OMG!  I can't believe it!" way.  I mean that I literally think they may have made a mistake or something. 

I listened to the voicemail again last night and she definitely said it was all good - and I realized that she said my HCG was 371, not 375.  I really don't believe it though and am looking very forward to my second test tomorrow.

It's so cliche to be in this position and feel anxious and unsettled because of all the past disappointments, but it's really how I feel.  I am fully prepared for this to go wrong.  I am trying to stay positive and send good energy flowing throughout my body, but I'm just saying that I've sort of braced myself for the impact of bad news should it come tomorrow or next week or next month.

Russ says he won't relax until he/she graduates from high school!  I think it will sink in before that for me =) but I can't imagine being so secure with this that I'll actually buy stuff!  And, let me tell you, I have done more (premature) online baby shopping (more like research and browsing, no purchases made) than anyone I know!  Of course that was back when I was in cycle 1 or 2 and thought this would actually work.  Now I'm too scared to even think about that stuff.  And really, scared isn't the word.  I feel like I'm denial - like I won't allow myself to process this yet.  I guess I'm in self-preservation mode and that seems normal.  I just wish I had a guarantee that this was going to last.  Of course there aren't guarantees that anything is ever going to last and I should just love this moment and cherish it.  Easier said than done.

I don't think I have any symptoms, but it's sooo early - I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow.  I am a little nauseous, but that's about it.  No more crampiness but that might come back, I'm such a crampy girl and I can't imagine I won't be throughout this.  I'm not sleeping, that's for sure.  And yet it's not like my mind is filled with baby thoughts or anything.  Hmm...this isn't anything like I thought it would be. 

(OK, so literally I just read that I wrote that I'll be 5 weeks tomorrow and my mind was like WHAT?  Who? And I mean that literally, as if it was news to me - in fact I'm starting to feel like maybe I'm insane.  So clearly the news has not even started to sink in.)

If what they're telling me is true, it means there is a person growing inside of me and that's just crazy!!!  OK that's my final thought on this for the morning...


  1. Oh, Tracey, I TOTALLY get this!!!!!! I've been feeling exactly the same way. Wondering when it will start to seem real, when I will "relax" and enjoy it. I just think that finally being pregnant after IF is so different than for everybody else. We KNOW what can go wrong -- we've read about it, held each other's hands through it, we've seen the very worst. So, when our turn finally comes, it almost seems as if the worst is inevitable.

    But, it's not. The majority of pregnancies result in REAL, LIVE, BABIES. I'm hoping and praying that this is true for you, too.

    Sending lots of hugs and bloggy love your way.


  2. I know what you mean. It's like you're scared to let your guard down so you want to brace yourself for impact.

    Those of us with recurrent m/c will never fully enjoy pregnancy until the baby is delivered.

    Stay positive and live in the moment, the reality that right now, you ARE pregnant!

  3. WOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOO!!!!! YOU'RE PREGNANT!!!!! Tracey that is so EXCITING!!!!!!....and what a great beta #!!!! I know all about the fear "that this can't really be real" BUT IT IS!!!!!

    HUGE HUGS~!!!!!!!!!!! I'm beaming a great big smile for you right now!!!! xoxox

  4. I think it was really hard for me to actually start buying baby things and registering before like 15 weeks! Then again, that doubt that I had for so long because of the "bumps" in the road eventually went away and I knew in my mind that I was meant to have healthy babies. So, it's almost a state of being naive to anything going wrong in a way. But I think that positive outlook that I had never felt before got me through those long months on bedrest. It's just a shame that women going through such disappointment via IF should feel this way. I wonder what it feels like to have a "normal" pregnancy and conception??