Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Could we be more blessed?

OK, so bed rest sounds like fun until you have to do it.  It's really hard to just sit there when you feel fine ( and I'm the laziest person EVER who can easily spend a weekend lying around on the couch).  Not like when you're sick and don't feel like doing anything...  But I actually got up today and took a shower (Hallelujah!) and went and got my nails done.  I'm all light-headed from sleeping so much.  Work tomorrow, but it'll already be Thursday so the week will be over in a blink.

I still feel nothing.  That's normal.  I'm going to go out on a limb here and disclose that I think I'm pretty self-intuitive.  Last time I knew I wasn't pregnant.  The time before, I felt like I was and then about 5 days before the test I had this terrible feeling come over and I knew it was over.  And I'm not saying that for a fact I knew, but in fact one had implanted, began to grow a placenta and then stopped growing.  I kinda think I was in tune to that.  Being intuitive sucks because I feel I can trust my instinct and if my instinct is negative, then I tend to beat myself up.  If my instinct is positive, then I get my hopes up.  At this point, I can tell you that they're in there doing their thing.  That's all I know.  What's my prediction?  I don't know why I have a strong feeling this is going to work.  That, by the way, has nothing to do with the intuitive thing (at least I don't think), it's just how I feel.  I get in touch with my intuition this weekend and feel more solid one way or another - that should f things up in my mind pretty nicely.

I'm going to take a moment to document for myself some things that I have been thinking while my mind is in a normal state (in other words the hormones haven't hit me hard yet).  I would like to refer back to these things if we get bad news on the 27th and/or when I go insane over the next 2 weeks.  Here I go:

1.  My life is fabulous with or without kids.  Would a baby (or two or three) greatly enhance things?  Yes.  Is it a crime of nature that Russ Johnson doesn't get to be a dad?  Absolutely.  But let's face it - I have a good life and you will never find me crying about "why me" where this stuff is concerned. 

PAUSE  Can I just tell you that in the past 5 minutes I got up off this chair and walked over to the couch to read a text message 3 different times?  It wasn't until the last time that it occurred to me to bring my phone over to the computer so that I wouldn't have to keep getting up.  I am a problem solver.

2.  Adoption is not only a great option, but one that does great things in the world.  Let's get off the "you're kids would be soooooooo cute" thing and get down to reality.  I could name 10 kids that I would adopt right now and they aren't even cute little babies.  They are, in some cases, obnoxious teenagers and still know that I could be their parent and love them forever.  Put a baby in my arms and tell me it's ours?  Forget about it!  I'll melt and be just as excited as anything that could come squeezing out my cooch.  (and let's not forget that nothing would have to squeeze out of there and there must be some comfort in that?)

3.  Whatever happens, it's not my fault.  Carrying that 3 pound bag of apples around Shoppers today did not cause the babies to not implant.

4.  I strongly believe (and i know this is annoying to some) that there is a reason for all this.  I have no clue what it could be, but someday I'll figure it out.  My hypothesis is that infertility is teaching to let go of control.  It's working by the way.  But I sort of feel like, "OK, learned give me my baby".  I don't know what else it could be, but I do know that logic has nothing to do with it. 

5.  We will have kids some day - just ask the psychics

6.  This not working is in complete spite of about a zillion people's prayers and good wishes.  Could we be more blessed with wonderful people in our corner?  I feel guilty sometimes that others need prayers too and we're hogging them all.  Life is good.

That's all for now...I'm crampy and know it means nothing.  Just put my mid-day coochie pill in and that's probably it...

1 comment:

  1. Hi Trace! For some reason, I thought the transfer was today. But luckily I've been praying every day, so you should be covered regardless. ha ha Glad you're feeling different this time already. I've found out just how powerful mother's intuition is, so hopefully that's what's happening with you! Yay!!!