Wednesday, October 21, 2009

My positive attitude is weening...

So I'm not using the baby board this time...I just couldn't look at that thing anymore.  What's the baby board?  Well, it's a vision board that Oprah told me to do.  OK, she didn't tell me, she told the whole world to create a board with everything you want on it and it will come to you.  I don't do everything Oprah tells me (OK, us) to do, but I come pretty close.  It's from the Secret - you know the thing that says if you put out lots of rich, money-having energy, you'll get rich?  Anyway, I created the board before cycle 2.  It has pictures of mixed babies (or light-skinned ones) - the theme is twins, a boy and girl.  It has the baby names on it and pictures of a stroller I like.  I got the CUTEST baby booties and bibs and little caps.  I used to like and focus on it when I was getting my shots and then it would just sit there in the living room...  It's out of sight right now and I don't miss it.  i figure I visualized enough.  at one point last cycle, I truly wanted to throw the damn thing off the balcony.  I felt it was mocking me.  So now it sits in the corner facing the wall.

I feel the same, but my positive attitude is weening.  How could I possibly know what's happening in there?   This doubtful thing is obviously a defense mechanism designed to prepare me for the worst next week.  Did I mention that if we do get bad news, we're going to have a one-night super pity party full of everything bad I could possibly eat?  That's the only comfort I can think of.  Sad, huh?

Was up again last night at exactly 2 AM.  Ugh.  That makes me think it's a bad sign too.  Everything is not a sign!!  I need to learn that.  But why the no sleep?  I wake up and all i do is analyze every little feeling.  The "presence" i was feeling in my belly?  I think it was just gas.  But then I learned that progesterone causes gas.  This is the only cycle where I've had bad gas SO I say it's because I have extra progesterone - the one I take 3 times a day with the cooch pill and the stuff my body is making because I'm pregnant!  So i get all happy but then a minute later I'm convinced there's nothing in there.  Considering this, i am still significantly less anxious than other cycles still so that's great. 

6 more days...we're two-thirds of the way through.

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