Thursday, October 15, 2009

Crazy is coming

If I could stop thinking for a little bit it would be okay but I just keep thinking and thinking and thinking.  For instance, today i spent more time than i had researching exactly how the implantation process works.  Do I really need all that information?  What i found is that there is almost nothing I can do to help or hurt the process.  That's strangely comforting.  So after finding out this information, do i stop obsessing?  No, of course not.  All I think about all day is the unknown possibilities that lie ahead in a million different ways. 

If I'm pregnant, I'll give birth at 36.  Not terrible, but old enough.  It means that I'll be well into my 50s when the kid(s) graduate from high school.  Maybe I'll know grandchildren, but maybe not.  Why am i thinking this right now?  Because I'm losing my mind.  It's like I can almost see it going.  While I feel I'm living on the right side of crazy today, i know that I'll go to the dark side soon.  This is most commonly characterized by rapid shifts in thinking about whether or not I'm pregnant and that about-to-get-on-a-roller-coaster feeling whenever the pregnancy test day is pondered.  I have 12 days left.  That doesn't seem so bad. 

Just a little time out of la-la land to discuss the fact that today I could actually feel the cooch pill discharge oozing out...EW.  Made me all slimy-assed.  Hot, isn't it?  MmmHmm...

Off to meditate in hopes of clearing my mind.  Wish me luck.

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