Monday, October 26, 2009

Tomorrow is it

So tomorrow is the big day.  I'll go for my test in the morning at 6:45 am and then leave work around noon to come and be with Russ to get the call.  The call can come anytime between 12:30/1:00 and 4:00.  Quite a range, I know.  If it's bad news, they'll call and say "I'm sorry your test was negative".  If it's good news, I'm not sure what they say.  Cycle 3, the call sounded like this "Your HCG level is 15 which is a positive result, but a number so low, it's usually not a successful pregnancy."  So, what I wonder is if it's a real-deal positive result, do they say "You're pregnant" or do they just tell you the HCG level and say "It's a positive result and we want to keep monitoring it, come back in 2 days"  All i know is that I want my HCG to be through the roof!  Over 200!!  OK, so over 25 would be fantastic.  But the higher the better.  Seriously I did some research and if it's not over 100, it's not very good, though some say levels after IVF can be lower.

Since it's the day before, the madness is starting.  I have myself convinced that there's nothing there.  The next 24 hours will be tough.  I prepare myself for the worst and now I really believe it to be true.  How can I be so convinced one way and then change so fast?  I keep thinking there should be a major sign and I have none.  But that's what everyone says and many of them end up pregnant.  Stay positive!!!  But it's so hard.  I'm very prepared for my pity party.  Ask me in a hour and I'll be back to believing something is there. Ugh.

So I think we decided that if it's a no-go, we'll go directly into another cycle.  It makes sense insurance-wise.  Waiting until 2010 would mean we pay more out of pocket.  Doing it now means we'd only have to pay for some meds, but nothing for the procedures.  I know I need to do one thing at a time, but it helps to have a plan.

OK, so all that anxiety that I didn't have for the past 2 weeks?  It's all coming out now!  Oh man.  It's like knowing there's a really good chance you could have won the lottery but you just have to wait to find out.  Yoga really helped, though, and I'm back to feeling like maybe there's a little guy in there.  Who knows!!  Can't wait for tomorrow.  I'm a little worried because I've never gotten bad news and then had to go to work the next day.  Hopefully Wednesday will be OK if it is bad.  So many people care - and my big mouth tells everyone - so it's hard to tell people when they look at you with those expectant eyes.  Most people will get a text either way tomorrow afternoon.


1 comment:

  1. I have literally prayed ALL day long and asked my coworker whom I share an office with (we go to the same church) to stop and do it, too. She feels like she knows you since I've talked about you and Russ so much. We've prayed for you in our small group Bible study every week now. And when we pray for someone, some of us write down the prayer requests and then they pray all week. I know we're (you know, cuz it's about me and all) gonna get good news tomorrow! And no matter what- He will never give you more than you can handle together. ;)