Always, the silver-lining girl, I thought I'd share some positives from the past 24 hours:
- When i cry a lot, it makes my eyelids puffy (like they stick out at least 1/4 inch) and it makes my eyeliner go on beautifully and look really cool - I honestly wish I could make it look like that every day
- I got to eat lots of great food (specifically Buffalo Blasts, fried mac and cheese, pasta carbonara and white chocolate macadamia cheesecake) 100% guilt-free
- Cheesecake Factory has FRESCA! (could not have made me any happier)
- I had a diet coke today!!! (yet to have a diet mountain dew yet...maybe tomorrow??)
- I've been reminded (not that I really needed it) that I have some of the BEST FRIENDS in the whole world who love me and Russ and hurt almost as much as we do at times like these
- When tears come to my eyes, it makes my contacts crystal clear and the world looks awesome
- Tammi got me the cutest bear ever!!!
- Russ is continuing to spoil me by taking me to the mall today to eat (always a plus) and see the Michael Jackson movie
- I got to spend some quality time with my kids (students) today without being distracted by my drama - they always make me feel good
Another great thing is that I now know that how I feel during a cycle has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to do with the outcome of the cycle. I was convinced I was pregnant and I'm not, so that means that when i don't feel I am, I could be. For the next cycle, I can be more relaxed because analyzing every feeling is futile.
On the dark side, I've been crying a lot and was not sure that I could make it through the day. Did not cry at work, thank goodness. Just some slight welling up (clear contacts!) but not a full-blown cry. I'm not a good slight-crier. I usually either go all out or barely anything at all and I'm the queen of the ugly cry and it takes about an hour for me to look back to normal (except the eyelids which remain puffy for many hours). So I'm thankful that I wasn't sent over the edge at work. I would have had to leave. Got in the car and it was full blown within about 3 minutes. It's hormones. And the most disappointing news ever.
Don't worry - this will not turn into a pity party for me every day. I'll be back to preparing for cycle 5 soon. Just give me a few days, OK? My precious friends have agreed to go with me to drink pitchers and pitchers of sangria on Saturday and for that I am thankful. That will be the official end of the pity party and I will be moving on. I sure hope.
HUGE THANKS to everyone for their thoughts and prayers. I sure hope that shit is cumulative because God knows I've racked up some points over the past year. May it all move into a successful cycle 5. It's so nice to feel loved. I sure am lucky.
I love ya, Tracey! Not just because you are the most adorable, funny, sensitive, caring, understanding, and passionate person I know, but because only YOU could have such optimism at a time like this. I am so upset about this round, especially because I prayed and prayed and really thought this was the one. But God must have some crazy plan that obviously only He knows about. We'll just have to keep faith that good news is coming your way. You definitely have scored lots of points with Him in my book after all you've been through!!! ;) Have fun drinking tons of sangria and caffeine. I'm quite jealous!!
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